Count Jokes

Following is our collection of closure puns and binary one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Count jokes for adults, dirty abacus jokes and clean calculate dad gags for kids.

The Best Count Puns

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry

... but you can't count Missouri twice.

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.


Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*

He disappeared without a tres.

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10



----


When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

How do you know when you've got a high sperm count?

When she has to chew before she swallows.

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

Make the little things count...

teach midgets arithmetic.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"

1...

2...

2 and a half...

2 and three quarters...

2 and five sevenths...

Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3...

He says "uno... dos..." *poof*! and disappears without a tres.

The Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *POOF* The magician vanished without a tres.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:

"0, 1, 2, 3..."

The reason Nevada doesn't have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area.

I'm making little things count.

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, the muppet from Sesame Street.

They told me, He doesn't count!

I replied, I assure you, he does.

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

I had a hen who could count her own eggs

She was a mathamachicken

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

I work on a two-person assembly line of Dracula toys...

I've got to make every second count

What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

My doctor just asked me if I knew my sperm count

"Didn't realise they were that clever"

How do '90s kids count to 6?

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.

"Do you have a criminal history?"

Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.

"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

The Sheepdog and the Farmer

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

All countries eventually got Coronavirus...

But China got it right off the bat

During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'

The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

On their fingers

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

Children are so unappreciative these days.

I bought my daughter a rabbit.

She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture...

I said, "The one from Sesame Street."

They said, "He doesn't count!"

"I assure you," I said, "He does."

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

I'm starting a business....

I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.

Did you know vampires aren't real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

Love

Girl: what do you think of our love

Me: count the stars

Girl: awww.... its infinite

Me: no, its a waste of time.

Today, I made the little things count

by teaching math to midgets.....

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!!!"



"Dos!!!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

I can't even count on one hand the number of times I've survived frostbite.

It's three.

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

Incest isn't cool...

I can count at least 17 reasons why on my hands

Why are dwarfs so good at math?

Because it's the little things that count.

They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party.

Oh, wait... I forgot to Count Dracula.

How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

Nerd joke.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims Newton! I found you! You're it! Newton replies You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!

I once saw a Mexican magician

He pulled me on stage and said he would make me disappear by the count of three. I didn't believe. Without warning he started counting. "Uno...Dos..." and *Poof*. I was gone without a Tres.

How does a farmer count his cows??

with a Cowculator!!

A Mexican magician tells his audience...

"I will disappear on the count of three."
He counts down.. "Uno... dos..."
And then he disappears, without a tres.

A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...

So he asked his border collie to count them from him.

The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer.

"So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer.

"40" said the border collie.

"How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38."

The dog replies, "I rounded them up."

I have a friend that lives just outside Chernobyl

After watching the TV Show he told me that he managed to count 14 historical inacuracies within the first 20 minutes... ...then he ran out of fingers.

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said, Probably, but I wouldn't count on it.

I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.

However, there are only 2 employees so I have to make every second count.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Your girl has to chew before she swallows.

Hi I'm Bill Gates! Today we're gonna learn how to count to 10.

1.01,1.02, 1.03, 1.04, 2.03, 2.10, 2.11, 3, 3.1, 3.2, 95, 98, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10.

A Mexican performs a magic trick.

He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!

I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series.

It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.

I can count on one hand, all of the times I've been to Chernobyl

14

What is the next country after USA?

USB

Kindergarten Blonde

A blond girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and says "most of the kids can count to 10, but I can count to 20. Is that because I'm a blond?"

Her mom says"yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The next day the girl comes home and says "today we had to do our ABC's." Most of the kids only got half way, but I knew them all. Is that because I'm a blond, mom?"

"Yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The following day the girl comes home and says "we had gym today and I noticed I'm more physically advanced than the others. . Is that because I'm a blond, mom?"

Her mom says " no dear. It's because you're 24."

which country was the first to get coronavirus?

China, they got it right off the bat.

There are three kinds of people...

...Those who can count and those who can't.

Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100.

Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat.

How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.

How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to put in the new one, and two to sing about how good the old one was.

What country does Santa visit first?

China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.

Herding sheep.

A sheep herder is watching his dog herd all their sheep into a pen. The dog finishes and says "Master, I've got all 30 sheep in the pen". The man looks at the sheep, then back to the dog and says "but I only count 26". The dog says "I know, I rounded them up".

What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she's slept with?

Tally ho!

There is an abundance of reckon jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes and count puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lists witze you can hear about count.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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