Count Jokes

What are some Count jokes?

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry

... but you can't count Missouri twice.

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*

He disappeared without a tres.

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10



----

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

How do you know when you've got a high sperm count?

When she has to chew before she swallows.

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

Make the little things count...

teach midgets arithmetic.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"

1...

2...

2 and a half...

2 and three quarters...

2 and five sevenths...

Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3...

He says "uno... dos..." *poof*! and disappears without a tres.

The Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *POOF* The magician vanished without a tres.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:

"0, 1, 2, 3..."

Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area.

I'm making little things count.

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

I had a hen who could count her own eggs

She was a mathamachicken

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

I work on a two-person assembly line of Dracula toys...

I've got to make every second count

What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

My doctor just asked me if I knew my sperm count

"Didn't realise they were that clever"

How do '90s kids count to 6?

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

The Sheepdog and the Farmer

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'

The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

On their fingers

Children are so unappreciative these days.

I bought my daughter a rabbit.

She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

I'm starting a business....

I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.

Love

Girl: what do you think of our love

Me: count the stars

Girl: awww.... its infinite

Me: no, its a waste of time.

Today, I made the little things count

by teaching math to midgets.....

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

I can't even count on one hand the number of times I've survived frostbite.

It's three.

Why are dwarfs so good at math?

Because it's the little things that count.

Incest isn't cool...

I can count at least 17 reasons why on my hands

They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party.

Oh, wait... I forgot to Count Dracula.

How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

Nerd joke.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims Newton! I found you! You're it! Newton replies You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!

I once saw a Mexican magician

He pulled me on stage and said he would make me disappear by the count of three. I didn't believe. Without warning he started counting. "Uno...Dos..." and *Poof*. I was gone without a Tres.

A Mexican magician tells his audience...

"I will disappear on the count of three."
He counts down.. "Uno... dos..."
And then he disappears, without a tres.

How does a farmer count his cows??

with a Cowculator!!

A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...

So he asked his border collie to count them from him.

The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer.

"So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer.

"40" said the border collie.

"How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38."

The dog replies, "I rounded them up."

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Your girl has to chew before she swallows.

I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.

However, there are only 2 employees so I have to make every second count.

Hi I'm Bill Gates! Today we're gonna learn how to count to 10.

1.01,1.02, 1.03, 1.04, 2.03, 2.10, 2.11, 3, 3.1, 3.2, 95, 98, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10.

A Mexican performs a magic trick.

He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!

I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series.

It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.

I can count on one hand, all of the times I've been to Chernobyl

14

What is the next country after USA?

USB

There are three kinds of people...

...Those who can count and those who can't.

Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100.

Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat.

What country does Santa visit first?

China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.

How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to put in the new one, and two to sing about how good the old one was.

How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.

Herding sheep.

A sheep herder is watching his dog herd all their sheep into a pen. The dog finishes and says "Master, I've got all 30 sheep in the pen". The man looks at the sheep, then back to the dog and says "but I only count 26". The dog says "I know, I rounded them up".

What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she's slept with?

Tally ho!

A Spanish magician is at a party

He begins his trick for the birthday girl, grabbing a handful of magic sprinkle dust. He then begins to count, "uno, dos," POOF.

He disappeared without a tres.

A Spanish magician told the crowd he'll make himself vanish on the count of 3. He goes "Uno, dos...

And *Poof*..... He disappeared without a tres.

I was trying to remember all the vampires I know.

But I forgot to Count Dracula.

There was a mexican magician...

...Who said "On the count of three, I will vanish!"

And so he counted, "Uno... Dos..."

And then he vanished, without a tres.

I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at Auschwitz.

He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush.

A blonde woman dyes her hair red....

A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Did you know that counting is illegal in Afghanistan?

There's a Taliban

The pollen count is so high

Meth users are trying to convert their meth back to Sudafed

A Spanish magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3

He says uno, dos... then POOF, he disappears without a tres

There was supposed to be a BLM march today with up to a million people

Although it's strange that I only count 600,000.

What country does fried fish swim in?

Greece!

(courtesy of my ten year old)

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

Bill Gates recently visited a kindergarten and taught the children how to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

Young man goes off to university

A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"

The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."

Totally Nerdy Joke: Einstein, Newton, and Pascal playing hide and seek

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's einstein's turn to count. Pascal runs away and hides under some bushes. Newton draws a large box in the dirt and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting, sees Newton and declares "Aha! Newton, I found you!" Newton replies "No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."

There was once a great Mexican Magician...

There was once a great Mexican Magician. He was world-renowned for his incredible feats. His most famous act, though, was his vanishing act. He would count;
uno
dos
and suddenly he would disappear without a tres.

The teacher asked little Timmy if he could count numbers yet.

He replied "yes, my father taught me."

"Great," said the teacher. "What comes after three?"

"Four," Timmy replied.

"Well Done," the teacher said. "What comes after six?"

"Seven," Timmy replied.

"Finally, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.

"Jack."

How to make Count puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Count to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Count? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Count pick up lines to share with friends.

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