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Count Jokes

192 count jokes and hilarious count puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about count that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

We’ve all heard of Count Dracula and the Count from Sesame Street, but what about a high body count? From references to the Chernobyl disaster to closure recounts, explore the hilarity surrounding the term “count” in this collection of funny jokes. Sperm count humor, anyone?

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Funniest Count Short Jokes

Short count jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The count humour may include short amount jokes also.

  1. A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
    pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
  2. I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
  3. I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
    That one is a freebie.
  4. I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
    You've given me one too many I said.
    That one is a freebie
  5. My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is. I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."
    She said, "He doesn't count."
    "Oh I assure you, he does."
  6. I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.
  7. I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. Sir, you gave me an extra. That's a freebie.
  8. I just got a job in a factory making plastic dracula There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count
  9. bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
  10. I broke up with a guy years ago due to his obsession with counting... .... I wonder what he's up to these days.

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Count One Liners

Which count one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with count? I can suggest the ones about number and quantity.

  1. I can count on one hand how many time I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.
  2. I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city. Hold on, it's 900.
  3. I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven
  4. When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers I stop at nothing to avoid them.
  5. Mayweather is actually 54-0 If you count the women
  6. I once had a hen that could count her own egg She was a mathemachicken
  7. Make the little things count... teach midgets arithmetic.
  8. I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!
  9. I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area. I'm making little things count.
  10. I had a hen who could count her own eggs She was a mathamachicken
  11. calculator May Be Ugly On The Outside But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.
  12. Today I'm cancer free! And all the days before that, but it still counts.
  13. There's three things I've never been able to get straight My sexuality, and counting
  14. How do '90s kids count to 6? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.
  15. How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100? On their fingers

Count Dracula Jokes

Here is a list of funny count dracula jokes and even better count dracula puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was working in a factory making plastic Draculas for Halloween. There was only 2 of us on the production line so I had to make every second count
  • For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
  • I work on a two-person assembly line of Dracula toys... I've got to make every second count
  • What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things? STOP THE COUNT!
  • Did you know vampires aren't real? Unless you Count Dracula.
  • I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party. Oh, wait... I forgot to Count Dracula.
  • I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. However, there are only 2 employees so I have to make every second count.
  • Are Monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.
    Happy Spooktober everyone.
  • I was trying to remember all the vampires I know. But I forgot to Count Dracula.
  • I work in a toy factory where dracula dolls are produced... I only have one colleague at the production line so I have to make every second count.

Sesame Street Count Jokes

Here is a list of funny sesame street count jokes and even better sesame street count puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was. "That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.
    They told me he didn't count.
    I said, "I beg to differ...".
  • I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, the muppet from Sesame Street. They told me, He doesn't count!
    I replied, I assure you, he does.
  • Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture... I said, "The one from Sesame Street."
    They said, "He doesn't count!"
    "I assure you," I said, "He does."
  • There's only one vampire on Sesame Street... At least, only one that counts.
  • Someone asked me who my favorite vampire was... I said it was the muppet from Sesame Street.
    They said "He doesn't count".
    I replied, "I assure you, he does".
  • Her: Who is your favorite literary vampire?..... Me: The one in Sesame Street.... Her: He doesn't count Me: Oh I can assure you that he does
  • Who is your favorite sesame street character? I like the Vampire, but he doesn't count
  • I think that one puppet from Sesame Street is my favorite vampire ever. Some people claim he doesn't count, but I'm certain that he does.
  • Bob from Sesame Street made it to 90. When asked for comment The Count said "This is going to take some time."
  • Why is the count from Sesame Street still single? Because he doesn't ever wanna Miss Count.
Count joke, Why is the count from Sesame Street still single?

Count Sesame Jokes

Here is a list of funny count sesame jokes and even better count sesame puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The voice actor for The Count on Sesame Street passed away this year... I guess his number was up.
  • Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100. Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her t**....

Body Count Jokes

Here is a list of funny body count jokes and even better body count puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is the most reliable body part? Your fingers. You can always count on them!
  • If I followed the advice to live every day as if it's my last, the body count would be astonishing.
  • What's the difference between a serial killer and a politician? The body count
  • Why was the mathematician disappointed by the empty morgue? There was no body to count on.
  • Got a ticket, smh. The other day I got a ticket for riding in the car pool lane. Apparently it does not count, if the body is in the trunk.
  • What does Ebola and US police have in common? A high body count of black people
  • I thought that people asking me what my body count is were asking how many people I've killed, not how many people I've had s**... with; Now everyone thinks I'm some sort of nymphomaniac
  • Did you hear about the plane c**... in Poland? It was a Cessna 2 seater, crashed into a graveyard, the body count is up to 453 and they are still finding more.

Sperm Count Jokes

Here is a list of funny sperm count jokes and even better sperm count puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you know when you've got a high s**... count? When she has to chew before she swallows.
  • My doctor just asked me if I knew my s**... count "Didn't realise they were that clever"
  • How can you tell if you have a high s**... count? When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
  • How can you tell if you have a high s**... count? Your girl has to chew before she swallows.
  • How can you tell if you have a high s**... count? Your wife has to chew
  • What is the difference between a blonde woman and a blonde man... The blonde woman generally has a much higher s**... count.
  • What is an easy way to tell that you have a high s**... count? She has to chew before she swallows.
  • I just got a Vasectomy... The urologist gave me a cup and said I had to fill it in 60 days then bring it back for a s**... count. I guess the surgery doesn't make a vas deferens right away...
  • How can you tell if you have a high s**... count? Your partner has to chew before they s**....
  • Whats the difference between my ex girlfriend and the average man? My ex has a higher s**... count.
Count joke, Whats the difference between my ex girlfriend and the average man?

Cheeky Count Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

What funny jokes about count you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean score jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make count pranks.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

The Sheepdog and the Farmer

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

What country does Santa visit first?

China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody

How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to put in the new one, and two to sing about how good the old one was.

How does a farmer count his cows??

with a Cowculator!!

The Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *p**...* The magician vanished without a tres.

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3...

He says "uno... dos..." *p**...*! and disappears without a tres.

Nerd joke.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims Newton! I found you! You're it! Newton replies You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!

What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of s**... I've ever seen"

How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

I once saw a Mexican magician

He pulled me on stage and said he would make me disappear by the count of three. I didn't believe. Without warning he started counting. "Uno...Dos..." and *p**...*. I was gone without a Tres.

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
----

Today, I made the little things count

by teaching math to midgets.....

A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *p**...*

He disappeared without a tres.

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"
Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...

So he asked his border collie to count them from him.
The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer.
"So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer.
"40" said the border collie.
"How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38."
The dog replies, "I rounded them up."

No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'
The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

A Spanish magician is at a party

He begins his trick for the birthday girl, grabbing a handful of magic sprinkle dust. He then begins to count, "uno, dos," p**....

He disappeared without a tres.

Why are dwarfs so good at math?

Because it's the little things that count.

A Mexican performs a magic trick.

He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *p**...* … he disappeared without a tres!

A blonde woman dyes her hair red....

A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series.

It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

Children are so unappreciative these days.

I bought my daughter a rabbit.
She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.

Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

A Mexican magician tells his audience...

"I will disappear on the count of three."
He counts down.. "Uno... dos..."
And then he disappears, without a tres.

I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at Auschwitz.

He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush.

There was a mexican magician...

...Who said "On the count of three, I will vanish!"
And so he counted, "Uno... Dos..."
And then he vanished, without a tres.

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with c**...!".

I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me
And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because she gets a frog in her t**... at 69.

I'm starting a business....

I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.

Hi I'm Bill Gates! Today we're gonna learn how to count to 10.

1.01,1.02, 1.03, 1.04, 2.03, 2.10, 2.11, 3, 3.1, 3.2, 95, 98, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10.

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

i**... isn't cool...

I can count at least 17 reasons why on my hands

There are three kinds of people...

...Those who can count and those who can't.

What is the next country after USA?

USB

Love

Girl: what do you think of our love
Me: count the stars
Girl: awww.... its infinite
Me: no, its a waste of time.

How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.

They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

Herding sheep.

A sheep herder is watching his dog herd all their sheep into a pen. The dog finishes and says "Master, I've got all 30 sheep in the pen". The man looks at the sheep, then back to the dog and says "but I only count 26". The dog says "I know, I rounded them up".

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

I can't even count on one hand the number of times I've survived frostbite.

It's three.

A Spanish magician told the crowd he'll make himself vanish on the count of 3. He goes "Uno, dos...

And *p**...*..... He disappeared without a tres.

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she's slept with?

Tally h**...!

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry

... but you can't count Missouri twice.

I can count on one hand, all of the times I've been to Chernobyl

14

which country was the first to get coronavirus?

China, they got it right off the bat.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, 'Uno, dos… and p**...!

He disappeared without a tres.

Count joke, A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, 'Uno, dos…

jokes about count