Count Jokes
170 count jokes and hilarious count puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about count that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
We’ve all heard of Count Dracula and the Count from Sesame Street, but what about a high body count? From references to the Chernobyl disaster to closure recounts, explore the hilarity surrounding the term “count” in this collection of funny jokes. Sperm count humor, anyone?
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Funniest Count Short Jokes
Short count jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The count humour may include short amount jokes also.
- A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!" - I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
- I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
That one is a freebie. - My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is. I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."
She said, "He doesn't count."
"Oh I assure you, he does." - I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.
- I just got a job in a factory making plastic dracula There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count
- bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
- I broke up with a guy years ago due to his obsession with counting... .... I wonder what he's up to these days.
- Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race. He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.
- A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97 So he rounded them up.
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Count One Liners
Which count one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with count? I can suggest the ones about quantity and score.
- I can count on one hand how many time I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.
- I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city. Hold on, it's 900.
- When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers I stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Mayweather is actually 54-0 If you count the women
- I once had a hen that could count her own egg She was a mathemachicken
- Make the little things count... teach midgets arithmetic.
- I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!
- I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area. I'm making little things count.
- calculator May Be Ugly On The Outside But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.
- Today I'm cancer free! And all the days before that, but it still counts.
- There's three things I've never been able to get straight My sexuality, and counting
- How do '90s kids count to 6? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.
- How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100? On their fingers
- What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things? STOP THE COUNT!
- Did you know vampires aren't real? Unless you Count Dracula.
Count Dracula Jokes
Here is a list of funny count dracula jokes and even better count dracula puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party. Oh, wait... I forgot to Count Dracula.
- Are Monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.
Happy Spooktober everyone. - I was trying to remember all the vampires I know. But I forgot to Count Dracula.
- What do Dracula's girlfriend and a boxer have in common? They both go down for the Count
- My brother and I started a business manufacturing Dracula toys I have to make every second Count
- Why did Count Dracula fail art class? He could only draw blood.
- How many teeth does Dracula have? I don't know. I didn't get close enough to Count.
- Did you know Dracula had a brother who feasted on pancakes? His name was Count Spatula
(Tried this out on my kids the other day. It went horrifically bad) - How many monsters can do basic math? All of them, unless you count Dracula
- Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday He said it wasn't faulty, he just couldn't see himself using it.
Sesame Street Count Jokes
Here is a list of funny sesame street count jokes and even better sesame street count puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There's only one vampire on Sesame Street... At least, only one that counts.
- Who is your favorite sesame street character? I like the Vampire, but he doesn't count
- I think that one puppet from Sesame Street is my favorite vampire ever. Some people claim he doesn't count, but I'm certain that he does.
- Bob from Sesame Street made it to 90. When asked for comment The Count said "This is going to take some time."
- Why is the count from Sesame Street still single? Because he doesn't ever wanna Miss Count.
- The voice actor for The Count on Sesame Street passed away this year... I guess his number was up.
Body Count Jokes
Here is a list of funny body count jokes and even better body count puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is the most reliable body part? Your fingers. You can always count on them!
- If I followed the advice to live every day as if it's my last, the body count would be astonishing.
- What's the difference between a serial killer and a politician? The body count
- Why was the mathematician disappointed by the empty morgue? There was no body to count on.
- Got a ticket, smh. The other day I got a ticket for riding in the car pool lane. Apparently it does not count, if the body is in the trunk.
- What does Ebola and US police have in common? A high body count of black people
Cheeky Count Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about count you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean percentage jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make count pranks.
My daughter learned to count!
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
Geeky Joke
There are 10 kinds of people: those who can count in binary, those who can't and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
Young man goes off to university
A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
What's the difference between democracy and feudalism?
Q: What's the difference between democracy and feudalism?
A: In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your Count votes.
What country does Santa visit first?
China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.
A series of cow jokes
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody
How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to put in the new one, and two to sing about how good the old one was.
What country does fried fish swim in?
Greece!
(courtesy of my ten year old)
A genie appears to a blonde woman
A genie appears to a blonde woman and offers her one wish. The blonde says "You know, I've slept with more men than I can count. I wish I knew exactly how many it was."
The Genie replies "Four."
How does a farmer count his cows??
with a Cowculator!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My doctor told me to stop m**....
I went to the doctors yesterday and was surprised when he told me i needed to stop m**....
"Why, is my s**... count low?"
"No, you just need to let me finish your prostate exam first."
Given infinite time, a million monkeys with a million typewriters
will eventually become a very creepy room filled with an equal count of typewriters and monkey skeletons
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?
"Worst case of s**... I've ever seen"
How do you keep a blonde busy for years?
Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
Today, I made the little things count
by teaching math to midgets.....
My friend turned up to my costume party dressed as an abacus.
I knew I could count on him.
"If my country starts to veer towards communism"...
"Then Soviet"
Jesus walks into a restaurant...
And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"
Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife and i need a vacation.
So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have s**... we put $20 in a jar, at the end of the year we use the moeny to pay for a trip. A year goes by and we decide to count the money.. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then i ask her i thought we agreed to only put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!!!
No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!
I know I can always count on them.
During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...
The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'
The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'
Why are dwarfs so good at math?
Because it's the little things that count.
What do Dothraki use to count their horses?
A Khalculator
There was supposed to be a BLM march today with up to a million people
Although it's strange that I only count 600,000.
A blonde woman dyes her hair red....
A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series.
It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...
...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
Children are so unappreciative these days.
I bought my daughter a rabbit.
She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation
Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
My hands are really reliable
I can always count on them.
Which country has the nicest children?
Germany.
German children are kinder.
The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....
...General Lee speaking
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't a blonde count to 70.
Because 69 is a mouthful.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at Auschwitz.
He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush.
There was a mexican magician...
...Who said "On the count of three, I will vanish!"
And so he counted, "Uno... Dos..."
And then he vanished, without a tres.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drugs?
So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with c**...!".
Sleeping with my wife is like playing Hide-and-Seek...
I close my eyes, count to ten and say, "Ready or not, here I come."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know when you've got a high s**... count?
When she has to chew before she swallows.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The pollen count is so high
m**... users are trying to convert their m**... back to Sudafed
I'm starting a business....
I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.
Which country has the fastest growing capitol?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i**... isn't cool...
I can count at least 17 reasons why on my hands
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know that counting is i**... in Afghanistan?
There's a Taliban
What is the next country after USA?
USB
Why cant an eye doctor count to 3?
They never make it past 1, or 2. 1, or 2?
Love
Girl: what do you think of our love
Me: count the stars
Girl: awww.... its infinite
Me: no, its a waste of time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor: Do you do sports?
Patient: Does s**... count?
Doctor: Yes.
Patient: Then no.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My doctor just asked me if I knew my s**... count
"Didn't realise they were that clever"
They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom
Or $2000 if you count the abortion.
A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant
Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three things I cannot stand:
* s**... people
* judgemental people
* double standards
* people who can't count
* lists
* irony
I recently got a tattoo of the numbers 1 through 9 on my back...
so that way if you have my back you can always count on me
I can't take all the credit... I would like to thank my fingers...
... I could always count on them. Without them, I would have lost touch.
What do you get if you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Physicists are the only scientists that matter
But mathematicians are the only ones who count
I can't even count on one hand the number of times I've survived frostbite.
It's three.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and another to sing about how much he misses the old one.
I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me
My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...
Says he has always been able to count on them.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she's slept with?
Tally h**...!
Laziness is the engine of progress.
The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.
At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.
At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."
My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry
... but you can't count Missouri twice.
