count Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious count puns

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"


I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.


My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."


Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.


Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."


Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.


I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven


Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"


A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*

He disappeared without a tres.


Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10



I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's 7


Which country has the loosest regulations on incest?

Oh shit this isn't Google


When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.


Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women


For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count


NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?


you dumb cunt.


How do you know when you've got a high sperm count?

When she has to chew before she swallows.


I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl.

8 times.


A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.


A Mexican Magician...

...told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three.

He began counting "Uno, dos..."

And he disappeared without a tres.


I can count on one hand how many times I've been to chernobyl



Make the little things count...

teach midgets arithmetic.


In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"



2 and a half...

2 and three quarters...

2 and five sevenths...

Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.


A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3...

He says "uno... dos..." *poof*! and disappears without a tres.


A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can't find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

My good sir, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions.

The country boy replies,

My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?


For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus...

It's the little things that count...


The Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *POOF* The magician vanished without a tres.


A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:

"0, 1, 2, 3..."


Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.


The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking


Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.


Why can't miss piggy count to 100?

She has a frog in her throat at 69


I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area.

I'm making little things count.


I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.


What are the most funny Count jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Count? Well, here are the best Count dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Count pick up lines to share with friends.

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