The Best 95 Count Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Count jokes. There are some count binary jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these count calculate puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Count Jokes and Puns

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

Count joke, For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

The Sheepdog and the Farmer

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

Make the little things count...

teach midgets arithmetic.


How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Your girl has to chew before she swallows.

How does a farmer count his cows??

with a Cowculator!!

Count joke, How does a farmer count his cows??

I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party.

Oh, wait... I forgot to Count Dracula.

How do '90s kids count to 6?

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

The Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *POOF* The magician vanished without a tres.

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3...

He says "uno... dos..." *poof*! and disappears without a tres.

You can explore count closure reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean count abacus dad jokes. There are also count puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Nerd joke.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims Newton! I found you! You're it! Newton replies You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!

What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

I once saw a Mexican magician

He pulled me on stage and said he would make me disappear by the count of three. I didn't believe. Without warning he started counting. "Uno...Dos..." and *Poof*. I was gone without a Tres.

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

----

Count joke, Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

Today, I made the little things count

by teaching math to midgets.....

A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*

He disappeared without a tres.

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"


A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...

So he asked his border collie to count them from him.

The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer.

"So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer.

"40" said the border collie.

"How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38."

The dog replies, "I rounded them up."

No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'

The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

Why are dwarfs so good at math?

Because it's the little things that count.

A Mexican performs a magic trick.

He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

On their fingers

I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series.

It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

Children are so unappreciative these days.

I bought my daughter a rabbit.

She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"

1...

2...

2 and a half...

2 and three quarters...

2 and five sevenths...

Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.

Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area.

I'm making little things count.

A Mexican magician tells his audience...

"I will disappear on the count of three."
He counts down.. "Uno... dos..."
And then he disappears, without a tres.

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

How do you know when you've got a high sperm count?

When she has to chew before she swallows.

I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

I'm starting a business....

I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.

Hi I'm Bill Gates! Today we're gonna learn how to count to 10.

1.01,1.02, 1.03, 1.04, 2.03, 2.10, 2.11, 3, 3.1, 3.2, 95, 98, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10.

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

Incest isn't cool...

I can count at least 17 reasons why on my hands

What is the next country after USA?

USB

Love

Girl: what do you think of our love

Me: count the stars

Girl: awww.... its infinite

Me: no, its a waste of time.

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

My doctor just asked me if I knew my sperm count

"Didn't realise they were that clever"

They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:

"0, 1, 2, 3..."

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

I work on a two-person assembly line of Dracula toys...

I've got to make every second count

I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.

However, there are only 2 employees so I have to make every second count.

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

I can't even count on one hand the number of times I've survived frostbite.

It's three.

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

I had a hen who could count her own eggs

She was a mathamachicken

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry

... but you can't count Missouri twice.

I can count on one hand, all of the times I've been to Chernobyl

14

Did you know vampires aren't real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

which country was the first to get coronavirus?

China, they got it right off the bat.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

I have a friend that lives just outside Chernobyl

After watching the TV Show he told me that he managed to count 14 historical inacuracies within the first 20 minutes... ...then he ran out of fingers.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

Kindergarten Blonde

A blond girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and says "most of the kids can count to 10, but I can count to 20. Is that because I'm a blond?"

Her mom says"yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The next day the girl comes home and says "today we had to do our ABC's." Most of the kids only got half way, but I knew them all. Is that because I'm a blond, mom?"

"Yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The following day the girl comes home and says "we had gym today and I noticed I'm more physically advanced than the others. . Is that because I'm a blond, mom?"

Her mom says " no dear. It's because you're 24."

All countries eventually got Coronavirus...

But China got it right off the bat

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said, Probably, but I wouldn't count on it.

Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture...

I said, "The one from Sesame Street."

They said, "He doesn't count!"

"I assure you," I said, "He does."

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, the muppet from Sesame Street.

They told me, He doesn't count!

I replied, I assure you, he does.

With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!!!"



"Dos!!!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

The reason Nevada doesn't have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.

"Do you have a criminal history?"

Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.

"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

A short joke for my cakeday

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof. He disappeared without a tres.

A Day Off

An man goes to see his boss..

Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.

COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.

The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?

One Mrs. Hippie, two Mrs. Hippie, three Mrs. Hippie......

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

There's 3 things that I hate

1- Hipocrisy

3- Lists

4- and people who don't know how to properly count

5- people who can't spell

They're 3 different kinds of people in this world

Those that can count, and those that can't.

It's no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

An interviewer said to the candidate

An interviewer said to the candidate ,"Here we need responsible people whom we can count on"

Candidate: "Oh then I'm perfect for the job; in my last job i was responsible when anything went wrong"

A Mexican magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three.



Uno… dos… POOF!

He disappeared without a tres.

What country has the best shoelaces?

Tie-land

My buddy just saw the Chernobyl documentary. As someone that grew up there he said it was really inaccurate.

He was able to count 6 errors on one hand.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the count reckon jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working count lists piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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