couldnt Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious couldnt puns

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldnt complain


My girlfriends joke

Her: i had a crossword puzzle today that i couldnt get

Me: what was it?

Her: "an overworked postman"

Me: but how many letters?

Her: too many

Me: fuck.....


There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired

Because she couldnt control her pupils.


Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.


A new cache of pencils chewed by Shakespeare have been found

The bard apparently chewed them so much, he couldnt tell if they were 2B or not 2B


pickle slicer

a man was laying in bed next to his wife. he turns to her and says "honey, recently at work ive had an uncontrollable urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer". the wife was shocked and promised to make an appointment the next day with a shrink. the husband comes home the next day and says "sorry honey, i couldnt help myself. i stuck my penis in the pickle slicer". the wife was shocked and said "oh my god! what happened?" he replied "I got fired" and she said "no, what happened with the pickle slicer?" and he said "she got fired too"


3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they torture him, they cant get any information out of him.

the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"


Why couldnt the NSA whistle blower leave russia?

He was snowed in


This has been seen before, but this is my favorite version.

I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"

And thats how the fight started....


I bet my girlfriend she couldnt tell me something that made me both happy and sad.

So she told me that I had the biggest penis out of all my friends.


Why couldnt Barbie get pregnant?

Cause Ken always came in another box.


Couldnt find it

I couldn't find the thingy you use to peel the carrots and potatoes anywhere, so I asked the kids if they had seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday.


What did the handless kid get for Christmas?

Idk, he couldnt open it


What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.


Blonde vs. Lawyer

A blonde sits next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. After several minutes of arguing with her, he says you give me $5 for every question you cant answer and i'll give you $50 for every question i cant answer. The lawyer figured he couldnt lose and the blonde accepted.

The lawyer proceeded to ask his first question, "What's the distance between the earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked her question, "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with three?"

The lawyer was searching his laptop for hours and calling everyone he knows to find the answer. Finally he gave up and handed the blonde $50.

After the plane landed, he decided to ask her the answer to her question.

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5


hotel room with a problem

The front desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a woman. She says that the vibrations from the nearby train tracks are shaking her out of bed. The clerk couldnt believe it so went up to the room to investigate. While he is lying on the bed waiting to feel the vibrations, the woman's husband walks in.

He screams "What the hell are you doing in our bed?"

The clerk replies "I know its hard to believe, but I'm waiting for a train!"


do you know why italy is shaped like a boot?

you couldn`t fit that much shit in a shoe.


It's my wife's birthday

And all she ever want was a fast car. Something to get her old heart pumping. She always hated me because i couldnt afford her nice things. She demanded that I get her something that can go from 0 to 200 faster than anything she's ever seen. Otherwise she would leave me. On the morning of her birthday I told her to go check the driveway. She went out and all she saw was a cardboard box. Furious, she questioned what it was. I told her to open it. Inside was a brand new scale.


I saw a guy pickpocket a legless midget

I couldnt believe he would stoop so low.


My wife said i couldnt make a car out of spaghetti...

should have seen her face when i drove pasta


Prince William visits the Royal Institute for the insane...

He inspects the facilities and has a cup of tea with the workers, just as his mother would have done. He then asks to speak to a few of the residents. The staff were hesitant to agree to the request, but seeing as he was the chief patron of the institute, they couldn`t say no.

After meeting a few crazy types, the prince found himself talking to a young man who appeared completely normal. The young man explained his situation, "Someone has made a mistake. I have no idea why I am here. As you can see from my behaviour I am perfectly fine and I could fit into the community immediately. I`ve written to a number of high ranking people but they refer me back to the manager here. I guess you are my only chance of getting released. Can you talk to someone on my behalf?"

Prince William was very impressed with the manner in which the young man spoke and promised that he`d do all he could for him. But as the prince got up to walk away and continue his tour, the young man punched him really hard in the back of the head.

The prince was stunned and turned to face the man who said, "That was just so you wouldn`t forget me."


A woman kept berating her maid that she was good for nothing all the time

One day the maid couldnt take it anymore .She shouted "Atleast I'm better than you in bed "

The woman was shocked,then she recovered and asked "Did my husband tell you that?"

Maid "No,your driver did "


I needed a woman escort to attend an event but I couldnt find one

So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.


Why couldnt the feminist screw in a lightbulb?

Because there was a glass ceiling.


I tried that game Cuphead but i stopped

i just couldnt stand lookin at that ugly mug


As a child i was made to walk the plank

We couldnt afford a dog.


Why couldnt the laptop see?

Cause it was SoDIMM


A robber needs to get past a security camera...

He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea.

He took off all his clothes and walked by.

The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested.

When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, Why did you take all your clothes off before passing the camera?

The man said, Well after I took off my clothes in front of my girlfriend she said she couldnt see me anymore!


Ugly Child Joke

A woman had an ugly child. One fine afternoon she was travelling on a bus, when suddenly the driver sees her child. The driver goes " Oh that is one ugly looking child."
Mother obviously was angry. She cursed at the driver and changed her seat. The whole time she sat on a different seat she kept mumbling.
A guy gets in the bus at the next bus stop. He noticed the lady was obviously angry at something but couldnt figure what. He went to the lady and asked why she was so angry and if he could help. The lady told her the driver was rude to her.
The guy said "Well, if I were you I would go punch him in the face."
The woman said, " you are right, maybe I should do that too."

The guy then says,"why dont you go punch that driver in the face and in the time being let me hold that monkey for you."


Why couldnt the 11 year old enter the pirate movie?

....Because it was rated Argggh


Why couldnt the guy hold a conversation with the female transgender marine biologist?

They didn't agree on a lot of things, but a big part of it was he didn't speak whale.

Note: In my defense I don't discriminate except by how I know a person. I have friends on all sides of the NFL hype, sexual rights hype, and abortion debate. But this joke gets laughs among them all.


As l looked up and stared into his eyes, he had a fixed gaze on me

Moving my hands all over l asked "like that daddy?" He said "yes baby thats good". As i finished i couldnt help but smile; I had tied my first shoe


Why couldnt the egg make it through boot camp?

Cuz he cracks under pressure.


Why was Simba unable to save his dad in the Lion King?

He couldnt Mufasa enough.


I got into a fight with a French man for calling me "Pussy! Pussy!" when I couldnt pull open the door to a bar.

That's the joke. French speakers would get it.


What are the most funny Couldnt jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Couldnt? Well, here are the best Couldnt dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Couldnt pick up lines to share with friends.

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