Couldnt Jokes

What are some Couldnt jokes?

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldnt complain

There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired

Because she couldnt control her pupils.

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

A new cache of pencils chewed by Shakespeare have been found

The bard apparently chewed them so much, he couldnt tell if they were 2B or not 2B

3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they torture him, they cant get any information out of him.

the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"

Why couldnt the NSA whistle blower leave russia?

He was snowed in

This has been seen before, but this is my favorite version.

I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"

And thats how the fight started....

Couldnt find it

I couldn't find the thingy you use to peel the carrots and potatoes anywhere, so I asked the kids if they had seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday.

What did the handless kid get for Christmas?

Idk, he couldnt open it

What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.

Blonde vs. Lawyer

A blonde sits next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. After several minutes of arguing with her, he says you give me $5 for every question you cant answer and i'll give you $50 for every question i cant answer. The lawyer figured he couldnt lose and the blonde accepted.

The lawyer proceeded to ask his first question, "What's the distance between the earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked her question, "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with three?"

The lawyer was searching his laptop for hours and calling everyone he knows to find the answer. Finally he gave up and handed the blonde $50.

After the plane landed, he decided to ask her the answer to her question.

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5

Why couldnt anyone else pull the sword from the stone?

They didn't have the arthurization.

It's my wife's birthday

And all she ever want was a fast car. Something to get her old heart pumping. She always hated me because i couldnt afford her nice things. She demanded that I get her something that can go from 0 to 200 faster than anything she's ever seen. Otherwise she would leave me. On the morning of her birthday I told her to go check the driveway. She went out and all she saw was a cardboard box. Furious, she questioned what it was. I told her to open it. Inside was a brand new scale.

Why couldnt Elon Musk lift the box?

Its was too falcon heavy
















I'm sorry

I saw a guy pickpocket a legless midget

I couldnt believe he would stoop so low.

I needed a woman escort to attend an event but I couldnt find one

So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.

A woman kept berating her maid that she was good for nothing all the time

One day the maid couldnt take it anymore .She shouted "Atleast I'm better than you in bed "

The woman was shocked,then she recovered and asked "Did my husband tell you that?"

Maid "No,your driver did "

Prince William visits the Royal Institute for the insane...

He inspects the facilities and has a cup of tea with the workers, just as his mother would have done. He then asks to speak to a few of the residents. The staff were hesitant to agree to the request, but seeing as he was the chief patron of the institute, they couldn`t say no.

After meeting a few crazy types, the prince found himself talking to a young man who appeared completely normal. The young man explained his situation, "Someone has made a mistake. I have no idea why I am here. As you can see from my behaviour I am perfectly fine and I could fit into the community immediately. I`ve written to a number of high ranking people but they refer me back to the manager here. I guess you are my only chance of getting released. Can you talk to someone on my behalf?"

Prince William was very impressed with the manner in which the young man spoke and promised that he`d do all he could for him. But as the prince got up to walk away and continue his tour, the young man punched him really hard in the back of the head.

The prince was stunned and turned to face the man who said, "That was just so you wouldn`t forget me."

My wife said i couldnt make a car out of spaghetti...

should have seen her face when i drove pasta

Why couldnt the feminist screw in a lightbulb?

Because there was a glass ceiling.

I tried that game Cuphead but i stopped

i just couldnt stand lookin at that ugly mug

They banned me from the school talent show.

But i know they were just salty, because they knew they couldnt make their clothes disappear as well as i did.

Why couldnt the laptop see?

Cause it was SoDIMM

Ugly Child Joke

A woman had an ugly child. One fine afternoon she was travelling on a bus, when suddenly the driver sees her child. The driver goes " Oh that is one ugly looking child."
Mother obviously was angry. She cursed at the driver and changed her seat. The whole time she sat on a different seat she kept mumbling.
A guy gets in the bus at the next bus stop. He noticed the lady was obviously angry at something but couldnt figure what. He went to the lady and asked why she was so angry and if he could help. The lady told her the driver was rude to her.
The guy said "Well, if I were you I would go punch him in the face."
The woman said, " you are right, maybe I should do that too."

The guy then says,"why dont you go punch that driver in the face and in the time being let me hold that monkey for you."

A robber needs to get past a security camera...

He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea.

He took off all his clothes and walked by.

The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested.

When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, Why did you take all your clothes off before passing the camera?

The man said, Well after I took off my clothes in front of my girlfriend she said she couldnt see me anymore!

As l looked up and stared into his eyes, he had a fixed gaze on me

Moving my hands all over l asked "like that daddy?" He said "yes baby thats good". As i finished i couldnt help but smile; I had tied my first shoe

Why couldnt the 11 year old enter the pirate movie?

....Because it was rated Argggh

Why couldnt the guy hold a conversation with the female transgender marine biologist?

They didn't agree on a lot of things, but a big part of it was he didn't speak whale.

Note: In my defense I don't discriminate except by how I know a person. I have friends on all sides of the NFL hype, sexual rights hype, and abortion debate. But this joke gets laughs among them all.

Why was Simba unable to save his dad in the Lion King?

He couldnt Mufasa enough.

Why couldnt the egg make it through boot camp?

Cuz he cracks under pressure.

Today I'm thankful that...

EA isnt in charge of Thanksgiving.

I couldnt afford the sense of pride and accomplishment it'd take to get to the pecan pie.

You should have seen the guys face when i told him i couldnt get an ambulance.

It was blue.

What did Hitler say to his jewish friend schwitz when he couldnt come to his birthday party?

Awww schwitz!

A friend asked me what it was like to holiday in Cuba.

I couldnt answer, I Havana been there before.

Moe is the worst name for a little brother

It's like they wanted more but just couldnt get it quite right

I couldnt make reservations at this swenky new library

They were fully booked.

Sign in pharmacy; Preperation H for sale, free delivery.

of course i couldnt resist,I took out my pen and added in ... and installation

If you were a prisoner going down the stair

You couldnt be more condescending.

Dial-up internet called.

They couldnt get through.

A patient goes to the doctor

After a thorough examination, the doctor scribbles some medicine on a note and gives it to the patient.

The patient goes to a pharmacy but couldnt find all of the medicine, she was missing one, so she went to a couple more stores but everyone replied with "are you crazy, we dont have that here" so after a few days she goes back to the doctor

She says"i was able to find 3 of the medicine, but no matter how much i searched i couldnt find the fourth one"

The doctore stars saying "uhhh..." But before he could finish the patient protests "that cost a lot of fuel and time, will you pay me back,huh?!"

Then the doctor points at the 4th line and says "thats my signature..."

How to make Couldnt jokes?

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