The Best 57 Cough Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Cough jokes. There are some cough wif jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cough prescribe puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Cough Jokes and Puns
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
You're coughing all the time and it's hard for you to breath, what happend?
It's a lung story
*Cough*
I have a friend who died from one of those. It was under his neighbor's wife's bed.
A mother of a boy walks into the school nurse's office to pick up her son...
She sees her son standing nervously off to one side of the office. His mother walks over to the nurse's desk to sign him out of school. She queries the nurse:
"What was he complaining of? He seems fine!"
The nurse responds: "He had a terrible cough when he came in."
The mother, suspecting her son is faking it, asks the nurse: "Well, what did you give him to make him so much better all of a sudden?"
"I gave him a laxative," replied the nurse.
"A laxative?!" the mother exclaims.
"Yep. Look at him; he's afraid to cough."
Cough Medicine
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint.
The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.
Crappy advice
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist said:
"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The clerk responded, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!
What does Cinderella say when she gets to the ball?
*cough* *cough*
A pharmacist walked into his shop....
.... to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him........he daren't cough now!!"
You can explore cough examine reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cough doctor dad jokes. There are also cough puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A Pharmacist goes out for lunch
A pharmacist goes out for lunch and leaves his assistant to tend the customers. An hour passes and he returns and sees a man sitting awkwardly. He asks his assistant about the man and his assistant told him the man came in with a bad cough and that he had given him a powerful laxative. The pharmacist yelled "laxatives aren't for coughs!" The assistant replied, oh yea? He hasn't coughed anymore, He's scared to.
What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?
They both take away the coffin.
A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him
Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop
A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall
He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'
Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'
The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'
The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'
The functions were throwing a party
Sinus, cosinus and tangens were dancing like crazy. Only e^x was all alone in the corner of the room, so sinus walked to it and asked "Hey, exponential! How are you doing? Why don't you try to integrate yourself?" "I'm trying!!! But nothing happens..."
ha. ah. ah. \*cough\* _i'm a nerd :'(_
Did you hear the one about a pony with a cough?
It was a little horse.
"Doctor, I'm feeling sick"
"Well then, let's find out what you have. Would you cough once please?". The patient coughs. "Would you cough once more please?". The patient does as he is told and coughs a second time, then asks "So, what is wrong?". The doctor replies "I think you have a cough".
A man goes to the doctor...
The doctor asks him what's wrong.
"Doc, my chest has been hurting, and I've had a terrible cough for three days. And I think I've been running a fever."
The doctor looks him up and down and quickly says, "Well I can tell you right now you're going to have to stop masturbating immediately."
Shocked, the man says "Why???"
"So I can examine you."
A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.
"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."
Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."
I tried to buy some cough syrup earlier, but apparently you need photographic ID.
Anyhow, I solved the problem.
I bought a huge box of laxatives and took them all - now I'm far too scared to cough.
I went to the doctor today...
He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."
He's a man of flu words.
Why does Loki buy cough drops?
He doesn't want to get a Thor throat
Doctor... "I see your cough is getting better"
Patient ...." Yes, I've been practicing all night"
A Walmart pharmacist walks in to relieve her co-worker and sees a man leaning against the shelves.
She asks her co-worker , "What's with that guy over there leaning against the shelves?" He says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan's casket on the wall...
... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.
She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan's husband rises and shouts: Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!
So I went in for my yearly physical...
The nurse went through the regular motions. Then it came time for me to drop my pants and turn my head and cough. While she's examining me, she exclaims "You really should quit masturbating". I asked her why, and if something was wrong, and she responded "Yes, I'm trying to give you an exam!"
A Doctor says to his Patient...
Your cough sounds much better this morning
It should be, says the patient. I've been practising all night
Roses are red, I've got a bad cough
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Coughy Filter Joke
The barista at Starbucks was wearing a face mask.
Me: Why are you wearing a surgical mask?
She said: I'm not, it's a coughy filter.
Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!
Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..
How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?
Cough.
Before Corona Virus,I used to cough to cover a fart
Now I fart to cover a cough.
A poem for our times...
It's not the cough that carries you off. It's the coffin they carry you off in.
Arizona may be a COVID 19 hot spot...
...but at least its a dry cough.
To all you guys out there
People must not cough near you,
they must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing, tell them to...
Far Cough
A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.
At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: *So how's it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''
The patient, who's been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, *No. I'm afraid to*.
Trump is releasing a new book on his COVID-19 experience.
Mein Cough
Today at my appointment the doctor grabbed my balls, and told me to cough.
I should probably find another dentist.
I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough
I'm a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?
Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart.
Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
A pony walks into a bar
Bartender: What'll it be?
Pony: I'll *ahem* have a *cough cough* beer.
Bartender: You got a cough?
Pony: Yeah *ahem* I'm a little horse.
I think my weed dealer gave me corona
I've got a chronic cough.
Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?
Assistant replies: Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.
Pharmacist says: He seems to be fine now.
Assistant replies: Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!
A woman goes to the doctor because she suspects she might have covid
She enters the office and while she was in the middle of explaining her symptoms the doctor with a blushed face calls his assistant and asks for a room to admit the woman into the hospital.
The woman surprised says "Are you sure I have covid? It's just a mild cough and I haven't been even tested yet!
To which the doctor replies "Lady I just had finished my lunch and released a huge fart a second before you came in, if you couldn't smell that I'm not wasting a test"
I told my boss yesterday I have a wee cough
Boss: You have a wee cough?
Me: Thanks boss! See you next week!
Two mentos are in a bar...
...just enjoying a drink of coke, (as they do of course.)
Then a Halls Cough Drop walks in.
One of the mentos hides under the table. Shaking.
The other one asks him "What's up?"
The mentos hiding under the table replies "You don't wanna mess with him... "
"...he's F--K!NG MENTHAL!"
"
The inventor of Halls Cough Drops died last night.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break
He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
What's wrong with this man? The pharmacist asks his assistant.
He has a terrible cough! The assistant replied. And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.
The customer gives a soft groan as the pharmacist looks horrified.
You can't prescribe laxatives to treat a cough!
Well of course you can, replied the assistant. Look at the customer, he's far too scared to cough
In 2019, we coughed to cover up a fart.
In 2021, we fart to cover up a cough.
Parents: it's a normal cough
Teachers: its a normal cough
Doctors: its a normal cough
Google: You have 3 minutes
Wild Life
A bear, a lion and a bat meet up. The bear says, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." The lion says, "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."
"Big deal!'' says the bat. "All I have to do is cough, and the entire planet shuts down."
A pharmacist walks back into his shop after taking a break.
He finds a man leaning against a wall and asks his assistant What's wrong with him?
He came in for some cough syrup , explains the assistant, but I couldn't find any so I gave him laxatives instead.
What! exclaims the pharmacist, horrified. You can't treat a cough with laxatives!
Of course you can. , the assistant says. Look at him, he's far too scared to cough.
Doctor: "Is your cough better this morning?"
Me: Yes. I've been practicing all night."
Got accosted by a bunch of guys proclaiming the end is nigh…
First one was positive for covid, the second one had laryngitis, next one a smoker's cough and the last one had a sore throat…
I think they were the Four hoarse men of the apocalypse.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cough doc jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working cough hayfever piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.