Cough Jokes
126 cough jokes and hilarious cough puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cough that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Lighten up your day with some funny, punny and witty jokes about coughs and conditions related to coughing, like COVID-19, smokers cough, whooping cough, bronchitis and more. Learn more about the different types of coughs and what they might mean, and get a few tips on how to relieve your cough naturally.
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Funniest Cough Short Jokes
Short cough jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cough humour may include short sneeze jokes also.
- I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
- Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I'm pregnant? Me: Leave that to me
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* I need water
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water! - A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint. The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.
- What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker? They both take away the coffin.
- My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked. There was a diamond in the ruff.
- An unknown number called me, sneezed and coughed a few times and then hung up. I'm getting tired of all these cold calls.
- To all you guys out there People must not cough near you,
they must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing, tell them to...
Far Cough - A Scotsman phoned his boss: Scotsman: Sorry boss I have a wee cough so I will not be in today.
Boss: You have a wee cough?
Scotsman: says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off.... - You're coughing all the time and it's hard for you to breath, what happend? It's a lung story
- When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever." He's a man of flu words.
Share These Cough Jokes With Friends
Cough One Liners
Which cough one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cough? I can suggest the ones about sniff and huff.
- Saw a guy who wears a turban and who was coughing loudly I think he was Sikh
- What does Cinderella say when she gets to the ball? *cough* *cough*
- Trump is releasing a new book on his COVID-19 experience. Mein Cough
- To the guy who coughed on me on the subway...
- How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally? Cough.
- What do you call an espresso with a cold? Cough-ee
- Arizona may be a COVID 19 hot spot... ...but at least its a dry cough.
- What's the worst thing about a lung transplant? Coughing up someone else's phlegm
- Did you hear the one about a pony with a cough? It was a little horse.
- Why do cigarettes cost so much? Because smokers keep coughing up money.
- What did the ghost say as he coughed up fog? Don't worry guys, it's just miasma!
- Whenever my daughter gets a cold she keeps me up. Because she's cough-y
- I found a new hobby after 10 years of smoking coughing up black stuff.
- What do you call it when someone coughs or sneezes in 2020? A coronal mass ejection
- Why did the Piranha Plant start coughing? Because Mario went down the wrong pipe!
Cough Syrup Jokes
Here is a list of funny cough syrup jokes and even better cough syrup puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink. Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after.
- why did Dracula's mom give him cough syrup? because Dracula was coffin.
- I bought my wife some cough syrup today, For my ears.
- I've developed an addiction to a particular brand of homeopathic cough syrup. It's ok though, I'm still 99.9999999999999999999999% drug-free!
- What is a libertarian's favorite cough syrup? Sudafed
- They developed a new type of cough syrup for Elephants with bad tusks. They call it, Robituskin'.
Cough Drop Jokes
Here is a list of funny cough drop jokes and even better cough drop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the farmer give the pony a cough drop He was a little hoarse.
- What kind of cough drops do pigs take? Reeeeeecola
- What is a Karen's favorite cough drop? Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-cola!
- What's invisible and smells like cough drops? Koala farts
Covid Cough Jokes
Here is a list of funny covid cough jokes and even better covid cough puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Because of Covid, don't let people cough near you.. If they do, ask them to far cough
- Two swigs of Cillit Bang and I’ve completely forgotten I had a cough and who my parents are.
Laughable Cough Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about cough you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean groan jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cough pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore t**... and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
*Cough*
I have a friend who died from one of those. It was under his neighbor's wife's bed.
A mother of a boy walks into the school nurse's office to pick up her son...
She sees her son standing nervously off to one side of the office. His mother walks over to the nurse's desk to sign him out of school. She queries the nurse:
"What was he complaining of? He seems fine!"
The nurse responds: "He had a terrible cough when he came in."
The mother, suspecting her son is faking it, asks the nurse: "Well, what did you give him to make him so much better all of a sudden?"
"I gave him a laxative," replied the nurse.
"A laxative?!" the mother exclaims.
"Yep. Look at him; he's afraid to cough."
Petting Zoo
A woman at a petting zoo bent down to pet a pony. She began to cough violently. A man came over to her an asked her to leave. She said,"What? It's no big deal! I'm just feeling a little hoarse!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the pervert cough when he was caught molesting a pony?
He was feeling a little horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the dragon go to jail for f**...?
a**...-on.
**Cough Cough** I'll see my way out.
Tombstone humour
It was a cough that carried him off.
It was a coffin they carried him off in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pharmacist walked into his shop....
.... to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him........he daren't cough now!!"
What do sick composers drink?
Tchai *cough* Tea
Two Australian Cops
What do you call a reconnaissance mission carried out by two Australian cops?
An Outback Stakeout!!!
*awkward cough*
What do you get when you cross a vulture with a machine gun?
As far away as possible.
*cough* shameful *cough*
Your cough sounds much better this morning?
It should. I've been practicing all night!
Hamlet gets a cough
So, hamlet is admitted to a hospital for a cough.
He asks the doctors: "TB or not TB"
What does a wolf cough up after eating a rabbit?
A hare ball
"So, how was your week off ill?", asked the co-worker to his Scottish counterpart.
"Aye, was okay lad, but it was only a wee cough".
The English language is bizzare
There was a young girl from Slough
Who choked on a piece of raw dough
But the time she was through
With hiccup and cough
She woke everyone in the borough
People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor...
They go to the cinemas.
A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him
Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop
Don't cough in your shirt...
Why shouldn't you couhh in your shirt?
You'll get a chest cold!
(Edited for formatting)
The functions were throwing a party
Sinus, cosinus and tangens were dancing like crazy. Only e^x was all alone in the corner of the room, so sinus walked to it and asked "Hey, exponential! How are you doing? Why don't you try to integrate yourself?" "I'm trying!!! But nothing happens..."
ha. ah. ah. \*cough\* _i'm a nerd :'(_
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you are not supposed to a**... cough syrup,
Then why does it come with a plastic shot glass?
"Doctor, I'm feeling sick"
"Well then, let's find out what you have. Would you cough once please?". The patient coughs. "Would you cough once more please?". The patient does as he is told and coughs a second time, then asks "So, what is wrong?". The doctor replies "I think you have a cough".
Why do some people cough alot?
Because they drink to much coughee.
I had a cough like that once...
I didn't kick the bucket, I was just a little pail!
The best cure for dry coughing.
Take some laxative. You will not cough, trust me.
Santa: What do you want for Christmas?
Me: a dragon!
Santa: noo, be realistic
Me: a girlfriend
Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend?
Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter?
Vincent Van Cough
Doctor, do you have anything against my cough?
Of course not, you can cough as much as you like.
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
The first cough is not your phlegm.
What did the angry pharmacist say as he handed over some strepsils?
"For cough"
A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.
"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."
Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Steve Bannon called in sick today
"Sore t**...? "Kellyanne Asked.
Bannon replied: "It's Mein Cough"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried to buy some cough syrup earlier, but apparently you need photographic ID.
Anyhow, I solved the problem.
I bought a huge box of laxatives and took them all - now I'm far too scared to cough.
What do a doctor and a bad comedian have in common?
They both make people turn their heads and cough.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is a p**... Heads favorite body part?
'ear *cough* 'ear
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do cannibals cough so much when eating hands?
They get a tickle in their t**...
Where do cats go skiing?
On a meowntain! Hahaha haha hahaha ha cough heh
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hitlers Disease
A little known fact about Adolf h**... he had severe asthma and lung issues his whole life. He even wrote in his journal about it briefly titled Mein Cough.
How to cure a cough [Soviet Method]
You take laxatives. Then you are too afraid to cough.
This is an old Soviet joke and a family favourite.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
100 Internet points to whoever can solve this xmas c**...!
What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?
Con Medicine
(a house of 20 can't work it out between us)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you pick up a disease at the Vietnamese place?
Because Pho Cough.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Loki buy cough drops?
He doesn't want to get a Thor t**...
Doctor... "I see your cough is getting better"
Patient ...." Yes, I've been practicing all night"
What do you call a puppy's cough?
A cute respiratory failure
What painter was always sick?
Vincent Van *cough*
doctor i feel disturbed
Doctor: please cough
Pacient: ou w a a a a
Doctor: looks like ur down with the sickness
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Roses are red, I've got a bad cough
Settings -> Notifications -> Trending -> **OFF**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How do you get rid of unwanted p**... hair?
*hawk cough spit*
My dying laptop's last wishes
(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on
What's Ned Flanders favourite Pokemon
Nidorino..... cough cough...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Russian Cold?
Nasticov.
n**... Cough... get it? Ha! (As told by my SO)
What do you call a cough at a dinner table?
A contract
Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...
Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear
Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!
Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..
People from High School class of '69 turn 69 this year,but because of social distancing,
69 is the safest position for distancing and everyone has some place to safely cough into.
I told my doctor i had a wee cough
He said: that's nice, have you anything planned?
It's not the cough that carries you off.
It's the coffin they carry you off in.
A poem for our times...
It's not the cough that carries you off. It's the coffin they carry you off in.
My dogs are sick
You could say that they have a woofing cough
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had to cough in a public place today
I tried to cover it with a f**...
Pretty much everything is made in China these days
...even my cough.
What do you call a painter with Coronavirus?
Van Cough
Hernia exam
Doctor: Cough. Good, good. Okay do me now.
A man with the 'Rona disease
A man with the 'Rona disease
Threw caution and care to the breeze
No mask with his kin
He did them all in
With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How wild has 2020 been?
Well,people used to cough to hide a f**..., now they f**... to hide a cough!
