Cough Jokes

Following is our collection of examine humor and wif one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Cough puns for adults, dirty doctor jokes or clean prescribe gags for kids.

There is an abundance of doc jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 56 funniest jokes on cough. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any hayfever witze you can hear about cough.

The Best jokes about Cough

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Coughy Filter Joke

The barista at Starbucks was wearing a face mask.

Me: Why are you wearing a surgical mask?

She said: I'm not, it's a coughy filter.

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall

He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'

Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'

The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'

The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him

Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works

Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it

Only then does the coffin' stop

Roses are red, I've got a bad cough

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Crappy advice

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk:

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist said:

"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The clerk responded, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!

A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint.

The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.

A mother of a boy walks into the school nurse's office to pick up her son...

She sees her son standing nervously off to one side of the office. His mother walks over to the nurse's desk to sign him out of school. She queries the nurse:

"What was he complaining of? He seems fine!"

The nurse responds: "He had a terrible cough when he came in."

The mother, suspecting her son is faking it, asks the nurse: "Well, what did you give him to make him so much better all of a sudden?"

"I gave him a laxative," replied the nurse.

"A laxative?!" the mother exclaims.

"Yep. Look at him; he's afraid to cough."

What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?

They both take away the coffin.

I tried to buy some cough syrup earlier, but apparently you need photographic ID.

Anyhow, I solved the problem.

I bought a huge box of laxatives and took them all - now I'm far too scared to cough.

Cough medicine.

A pharmacist is about to take a lunch break and he says to his assistant, "I'll be back in an hour, keep an eye on things".
Upon his return, he notices a man outside the pharmacy, standing against the wall, clutching his abdomen, obviously in some pretty serious discomfort.
He continues into the store and asks his assistant, "what's with the guy outside?" to which the assistant says "he came in with a bad cold. I couldn't find the cough medicine, so I gave him some laxatives."
"Laxatives??!!" exclaims the pharmacist, "that's not gonna do anything for his cold!"
"Sure it will," replies the assistant "Look, he's afraid to cough!"

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan's casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.

She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan's husband rises and shouts: Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!

A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."

Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

A Pharmacist goes out for lunch

A pharmacist goes out for lunch and leaves his assistant to tend the customers. An hour passes and he returns and sees a man sitting awkwardly. He asks his assistant about the man and his assistant told him the man came in with a bad cough and that he had given him a powerful laxative. The pharmacist yelled "laxatives aren't for coughs!" The assistant replied, oh yea? He hasn't coughed anymore, He's scared to.

What does Cinderella say when she gets to the ball?

*cough* *cough*

When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."

He's a man of flu words.

(Irish joke, sorry guys). A teacher is giving an English lesson on the word "Contagious"...

...She asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word being used. One eager child says "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious".
"Very good!" replied the teacher, "has anybody else got an example?".
"My mummy says my laugh is contagious", said another child.
"Great answer!", said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?" (apologies for the token Irish name).
"Well, our neighbour is painting his fence with a toothbrush", said Paddy, "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"

You're coughing all the time and it's hard for you to breath, what happend?

It's a lung story

A pharmacist takes a lunch break...

and leaves his assistant in charge. When he gets back he finds everything in order except a man standing at the back of the pharmacy with his head down and arms crossed.

"What's with him?" The pharmacist asks

"He came in with a bad cough, but we're out of cough medicine, so I gave him some 'Ex-Lax' instead" The assistant informs him.

"Are you crazy!" the pharmacist yells, "you can't treat a cough with Ex-Lax,"

The assistant answers, "Well he's not coughing is he?"

Doctor... "I see your cough is getting better"

Patient ...." Yes, I've been practicing all night"

A Walmart pharmacist walks in to relieve her co-worker and sees a man leaning against the shelves.

She asks her co-worker , "What's with that guy over there leaning against the shelves?" He says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

The functions were throwing a party

Sinus, cosinus and tangens were dancing like crazy. Only e^x was all alone in the corner of the room, so sinus walked to it and asked "Hey, exponential! How are you doing? Why don't you try to integrate yourself?" "I'm trying!!! But nothing happens..."

ha. ah. ah. \*cough\* _i'm a nerd :'(_

How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?


A Doctor says to his Patient...

Your cough sounds much better this morning
It should be, says the patient. I've been practising all night


I have a friend who died from one of those. It was under his neighbor's wife's bed.

So I went in for my yearly physical...

The nurse went through the regular motions. Then it came time for me to drop my pants and turn my head and cough. While she's examining me, she exclaims "You really should quit masturbating". I asked her why, and if something was wrong, and she responded "Yes, I'm trying to give you an exam!"

A chemist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.

"So what *have* you given him?" asks the chemist. "Laxatives," replies the assistant. The chemists stares at the assistant, then the man, then back again.

And the assistant says, "Well, he doesn't want to cough now."

Why does Loki buy cough drops?

He doesn't want to get a Thor throat

A poem for our times...

It's not the cough that carries you off. It's the coffin they carry you off in.

A man goes to the doctor...

The doctor asks him what's wrong.

"Doc, my chest has been hurting, and I've had a terrible cough for three days. And I think I've been running a fever."

The doctor looks him up and down and quickly says, "Well I can tell you right now you're going to have to stop masturbating immediately."

Shocked, the man says "Why???"

"So I can examine you."

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

A pharmacist walked into his shop....

.... to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him........he daren't cough now!!"

Did you hear the one about a pony with a cough?

It was a little horse.

Before Corona Virus,I used to cough to cover a fart

Now I fart to cover a cough.

"Doctor, I'm feeling sick"

"Well then, let's find out what you have. Would you cough once please?". The patient coughs. "Would you cough once more please?". The patient does as he is told and coughs a second time, then asks "So, what is wrong?". The doctor replies "I think you have a cough".

I call my boss and told him I can't come in today because I have a wee cough

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Sure, I'll take a week off."

My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!

Why did the farmer give the pony a cough drop

He was a little hoarse.

Why do cannibals cough so much when eating hands?

They get a tickle in their throat

A young boy starts choking on some pennies

The boys dad runs to him and tries to help him cough them out. After unsuccessfully helping, he grabs his phone and calls the local doctor for help.

"Doctor, My son had swallowed some pennies, and he is choking on them, please come quickly before he gets hurt"

"Sorry sir, I'm currently out of town, but grab a pen and put this number down, 1-800-377-6971. They will be sure to get every last cent out of him"

"Is this the phone number for the hospital doctor?"

"No it's the income tax service hotline"

The English language is bizzare

There was a young girl from Slough

Who choked on a piece of raw dough

But the time she was through

With hiccup and cough

She woke everyone in the borough

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first cough is not your phlegm.

How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

*hawk cough spit*

Petting Zoo

A woman at a petting zoo bent down to pet a pony. She began to cough violently. A man came over to her an asked her to leave. She said,"What? It's no big deal! I'm just feeling a little hoarse!"

What do you call a painter with Coronavirus?

Van Cough

What's the worst thing about having a lung transplant?

Realising that the first time you cough, the phlegm isn't yours.

Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.

Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

If you are not supposed to abuse cough syrup,

Then why does it come with a plastic shot glass?

My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink.

Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after.

What is a Pot Heads favorite body part?

'ear *cough* 'ear

doctor i feel disturbed

Doctor: please cough
Pacient: ou w a a a a
Doctor: looks like ur down with the sicknessο»Ώ

I had a cough like that once...

I didn't kick the bucket, I was just a little pail!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes