Cougar Jokes

Following is our collection of cheetah puns and mammals one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cougar jokes for adults, dirty camembert jokes and clean puma dad gags for kids.

The Best Cougar Puns

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night

Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?

Dad: Smart.

Itchipussy

A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:

Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.

Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.

A leopard can carry something twice its weight into a tree

and a cougar can carry something half her age to bed.

When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called

Defendant.


A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."

Cougars are hot.

But it's a dry heat.

Three blondes are walking through the forest

when they come upon a set of tracks. The first says "These are obviously wolf tracks." The second says "You must be high! they're cougar tracks." The third replies "You're both retarded. They are definitely bear tracks!" They're still arguing when the train hits.

I dated an older furry once...

She was a cougar

If an older woman who goes after a younger man is called a cougar, what is an older man going after a younger girl called?

A Tyga

NEVER fight a cougar

Just give her a fake name and sneak her out in the morning


What do you get when you cross the mailman with a Cougar?

According to the Paternity Test: Me

Where do melons go for summer fun?

John Cougar Mellencamp

If you're ever being chased by a bear or a cougar, quickly lay on the ground for 5 seconds.

Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule?

What do you call a cougar that's hostile to you?

An enemilf.

When I saw Stephen Fry was getting married to a much younger man I wondered what a gay cougar was called.

A pink panther.

What do you call a married cougar?

A cheetah.

What kind of summer camp would a toilet, a mountain lion, and a cantaloupe all go to?

A John Cougar Melon Camp

Where did the Cantaloupes send their children for the summer?

To the John Cougar Mellencamp.


What did the Pope say when a cougar crossed his path?

Oh my gosh I almost Puma pants.

What do John Mellencamp and Ashton Kutcher have in common?

They both picked up a Cougar and then thought better of it.

If a "cougar" is an older woman who is into younger men, what do you call an older woman who is into younger women?

a gym teacher

Why Did You Dump The Cougar?

"Because he was a lion cheetah!"

Where do baby watermelons go for the summer?

John Cougar Mellencamp

What do you call a Japanese Cougar with exceptional taste?

Umami

What do you get when you cross a dog and a cougar?

Trouble with the postman.

John Cougar Mellencamp's first ever rough draft of 'Hurts so Good' was recently leaked...

"I long for those young boy days with a girl like you... But not you specifically. Got a sister?"

What's the opposite of a cougar?

A pedophile

How does a cougar obtain the perfect tan?

She uses a perfect son.

What do you call a one-eyed cougar?

A Mountain L on

Some people die from animals, but I was apparently brought to life from one.

According to my Mom, my Dad slept with a cougar once which is how I was born.


It's weird how science works.

There is an abundance of bobcat jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 31 funniest jokes and cougar puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lion witze you can hear about cougar.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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