Couch Jokes
159 couch jokes and hilarious couch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about couch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Whether you need something to boost your morale or just make you smile, you'll find it in this collection of hilarious couch jokes. These jokes about pull-out couches, dogs on the couch, blue couches, and more will make you chuckle. Plus, we've got jokes about couch potatoes, couch to 5Ks, mattresses, and pillows to leave you in stitches. So cuddle up with your husband and get ready for one funny ride!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Couch Short Jokes
Short couch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The couch humour may include short new sofa jokes also.
- Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
- Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have? I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
- Biden had a meeting with his cabinet this morning then he talked to the bookcase for a while, and now he's arguing with the couch!
- I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for... She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.
- Huband: There are broken condoms on our couch Wife: How many times have I told you not to call our children that?
- I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly... She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...
- How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.
- I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
- You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad... It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.
- The number 8 goes to see a psychiatrist ... The psychiatrist says, "Would you like to lay down on the couch?" and the number 8 replies, "No thank you, I don't want to be here forever."
Share These Couch Jokes With Friends
Couch One Liners
Which couch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with couch? I can suggest the ones about sofa and furniture.
- "What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!" "Our children have names, Harold!"
- Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch
- What's the proper name for a gay couch? A homosectional.
- How did the love seat get pregnant? Because the couch didn't pull out.
- What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch? Namaste
- 80% of my couch fell on my foot today. ...ouch.
- Where do you find a Himalayan cat? You'll find him-a-layin on the couch
- What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch? There will be grim reaper cushions
- What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch? A couch can support a family.
- What do couch potatoes evolve into? Computer chips.
- I just lost 20% of my couch Ouch.
- What do you get when you cross a human with a couch? A Homosectional.
- What does that couch have in common with your mom? Both of them are supportive
- Why was the couch afraid of the chair? The chair was armed.
- Why couldn't the potato get off the couch? Because it was baked.
Pull Out Couch Jokes
Here is a list of funny pull out couch jokes and even better pull out couch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out.
- Irony is getting pregnant... on a pull-out couch.
- The couch pulls out I don't
- Did you here about the truck driver that pulled out to ovoid a child. He fell off the couch and broke his arm.
- What kind of couch still has money even in its thirties? a pull out
- I'm just like my couch 17 years old and I never pull out
- David has 12 kids, his wife works and he does nothing all day but lay on the couch. The only difference between David and the couch is that the couch is can pull out
- Couches pull out... I don't
- What do a couch and I have in common? When your mom stays over the couch pulls out. I don't.
Dogs On Couch Jokes
Here is a list of funny dogs on couch jokes and even better dogs on couch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy tells his therapist that he felt like a dog lately. She said "Come on now, off the couch."
- I was going to take my dog to a pet psychiatrist But he knows he's not allowed on the couch.
- A man goes to the Doctor's "Doctor Doctor, I think I've turned into a dog!"
"Alright" the Doctor says "Get up on the couch and let me have have a look at you"
"But i can't, I'm not allowed!" - I had to put my dog down a few hours ago... He was up on the couch for way too long.
Couch Potato Jokes
Here is a list of funny couch potato jokes and even better couch potato puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call an authoritarian couch potato? A dictator tot
- Though they couldn't be more different, explorers and couch potatoes have one thing in common. They're both looking for the remote.
- What kind of award do you get for being a #1 couch potato? A trophy. Muscle atrophy.
- I asked my couch-potato wife to go to the gym to do some lifting with me She philosophically retort: "Why should I? The burden of life is already too heavy."
Me: "Indeed you are." - What do you call the children of a couch potato? Tater tots
- Where did the term "couch potato" come from? Well, potatoes are *tubers*.
- What do you call Harvey Weinstein, when he gets lazy. A casting couch potato.
- What do you call a lazy vegetable? A couch potato.
Hilarious Couch Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about couch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pillow jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make couch pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally n**.... Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're n**...!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're n**...!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.
A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't Buddhists vacuum under the couch?
Because they have no attachments.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have s**....
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife h**... the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."
What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?
What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?
Ferniture.
Does your dog bite?
A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.
A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist
So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Several months
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have s**... with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've spent the last hour m**... on the couch.
This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a tech support has a house call...
When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just s**... the chocolate off them anyways."
"What are those things on mommy's chest?"
A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."
A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to get a dog and name it Syndrome.
So that every time he gets on my couch, I can yell "DOWN SYNDROME"
I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls
Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You`ll know tonight," he softly whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
Good Sound
An mp3 file was relaxing on his couch at home, when his wife comes up to him.
Wife: "Honey, could you explain this charge for $600?"
Mp3: "Oh, thats for a new set of headphones."
Wife: "For $600??? How could you spend that much?"
Mp3: "But the sound quality is really good!"
Wife: "SO YOU SPENT $600 FOR GOOD SOUND??"
Mp3 shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm an audiophile"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
A couple of weeks before my wife's birthday she pulls me aside and explains, "For my birthday I would like to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in the driveway."
Well, I stand there thinking for awhile and it hits me! I buy it, have it wrapped with a big bow.
On her birthday she comes out and sees it all wrapped and beautiful. She rips the wrapping off and....it's a scale.
Incidentally, does anyone have a couch for me to c**... on for awhile?
What do you get when two Samoans Fall off a couch?
Tufaloffahsofa
My girlfriend is so busted
she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"
My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed...
I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"
My friend asked me if I wanted to buy the couch.
I said, "I'll sleep on it."
One day a wife complained..
"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
I was having trouble getting to sleep last night
After about an hour of tossing and turning, my wife rolled over, snuck her hand under the covers, and trailed it playfully down my chest.
"Want meeee to help you get to sleep", She whispered coyly into my ear.
"Yeah", I replied. "Tell me again how your day went".
Couch was comfy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his son are sitting, n**..., on a couch...
... and the little boy asks, "Dad why are our p**... different?"
The father replies, "Firstly, son, you don't have an e**...."
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."
Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This afternoon I just relaxed on the couch and m**....
The psychiatrist took a lot of notes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.
On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get u**... stains out of a couch?
I've heard that if you choose to do something you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life
Apparently loving to lay on the couch all day, watching TV and doing nothing doesn't apply and my stuff gets repossessed next Tuesday.
If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...
I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.
The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...
... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"
A boy learned about abortion is school one day...
When the boy got home he found his parents on the couch.
"Mom, Dad, what do you think about abortion?" He asked.
"I don't know," replied his dad, "ask your sister."
"I don't have a sis-"
(Thanks to my friend, Alex, for telling me that joke.)
5 year old: Mommy, do you know how long a tooth paste tube lasts?
Mother: No honey?
5 year old: 2 laps around the TV table, and one around the couch
It's really fascinating that I've been able to see language evolve over just a couple generations. For example, what they used to call a chesterfield we now call a couch, what they used to call a veranda we now call a porch, and what they used to call a joke we now call
a president.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call two nerds dry h**... on the couch?
Science friction.
Wife and husband are in the living room.
She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.
At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.
Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.
At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.
"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The cake is a lie.
A little boy caught his mom and dad having s**.... After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mom quickly replied, "We were baking a cake."
A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?"
Surprised, she said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."
I asked my friend how his new couch was going, he said
sofa, so good
Some of my friends make fun of me for peeing while sitting down.
But most of them just get mad because it's on their couch.
A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell
She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know Jeffrey d**... was a closet s**...?
He kept the butts behind the couch.
I was planning on watching the fight on my TV tonight
But it was pretty uncomfortable, so I'll probably just watch it from my couch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy: [kissing g**... couch] you wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is sitting on the couch one evening when his son walks in and tells his father he lost his virginity
The father jumps up from joy and claps his hands and says: Congratulations son! Here, have a beer and take a seat.
The son says: The beer I can take, but I can not sit for a while
Beth, why are all of our broken condoms on the couch?
HONEY! How many times do I have to tell you not to call out kids like that!
What did the happy couch say?
Sofa, so good
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My buddy asked me if he could c**... on my couch tonight
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did I do wrong?
My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving her dad a h**....
My wife just sent me to sleep on the couch.
It's just like camping, but with a big angry bear in the next room.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"
I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**
P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. :/
I have an L shaped couch...
lowercase.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room
He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud b**... and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it's nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it's because i was wearing it
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"
The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What piece of furniture never uses a c**...?
Pull out couch
(Old joke alert - be gentle.)
So, a guy sees this girl home after a date.
She says
\- Do you want to come in? You'll have to be very quiet, my parents are upstairs.
\- Sure
So they go in to the sitting room, get on the couch, and start smooching.
The guy says
\- Sorry, I need to use your bathroom.
\- The bathroom is upstairs, and you might wake my parents. Can you go in the kitchen sink?
\- OK
Couple of minutes later, guy walks back in
\- Any paper?
I went to a therapist to talk about how insecure I was about my looks.
He told me to lie on the couch face down.
My mom said I would never be anything laying on the couch all day
Look at me now, I'm saving the world
Just moved into a new home and found out that it doesn't have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that pretend walking down the stairs thing behind the couch.
One evening when I was playing on my console..
One evening when I was playing on my console I noticed my girlfriend, who was sitting right next to me on the couch, looking all gloomy and sad.
Naturally I asked her what was wrong but she didn't answer.
So I turned of my console and she goes "why did you stop ?". I told her there's something much better than my console.
She looked really happy.
Until I turned on my PC.
A boy and a man sit on a couch together.
The boy says to the man, "Yeah, well, I didn't believe in reincarnation when I was your age either."
Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.
After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you're supposed to sit on.
There were reaper cushions.
I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said "Can you hide behind the couch?" Confused, she asked "Why?"
I said "Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can't find the remote."
A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...
Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!
Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?
I think I am, he said.
You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.
Yes, I guess I am, he said.
That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.
I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.
After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"
" yes " I said eagerly.
"Do you have protection? " She asked .
"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.
A big pepper is sitting on the couch when his small pepper roommate walks in the door shivering
Big pepper: "Why are you shaking? Are you cold?"
Small pepper: "I'm a little chili."
The only time I've been mechanically inclined
Is when I press the recline button on my couch
So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...
I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...
It came from the GF: *"Please bring the chips on your way back".*
