Couch Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight

I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says This is for the flowers!

Don't be silly says her boyfriend, you must have a vase somewhere!

What's the proper name for a gay couch?

A homosectional.

A guy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in. Shes lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says the boyfriend "you must have a vase somewhere!"

Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch

Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it's nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it's because i was wearing it

How did the love seat get pregnant?

Because the couch didn't pull out.

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

A man and his son are sitting, naked, on a couch...

... and the little boy asks, "Dad why are our penises different?"

The father replies, "Firstly, son, you don't have an erection."

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"

A kid surprises his father on the couch...

- Dad!! What are you doing??
- Son, this is called masturbation, and you will soon do it as well.
- Yikes!! Why would I do that???
- Because my hand is getting tired.

I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...

She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

Huband: There are broken condoms on our couch

Wife: How many times have I told you not to call our children that?

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "Vodka Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

The cake is a lie.

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"

The mom quickly replied, "We were baking a cake."

A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?"

Surprised, she said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.

At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.

Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.

At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.

"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."

Does your dog bite?

A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."

My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

(credit to a Russian stand up comedian Alexander Sobolevsky, he does these neat one liners)

What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch?

Namaste

You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad...

It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog

He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch?

There will be grim reaper cushions

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

It's really fascinating that I've been able to see language evolve over just a couple generations. For example, what they used to call a chesterfield we now call a couch, what they used to call a veranda we now call a porch, and what they used to call a joke we now call

a president.

"What are those things on mommy's chest?"

A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."

A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"

I've spent the last hour masturbating on the couch.

This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes.

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.


"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.


"What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.


"Needs ironing"...

Why can't Buddhists vacuum under the couch?

Because they have no attachments.

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

Black Stereotype

A black man meets a pretty white girl at a bar. They hit it off through the night get a little drunk and decide to take a cab home together. When the white girl arrived at her stop she asked the black man to come inside. He does and the fun continues.
The white girl is sitting on her couch next to black man running her fingers along his pants and says in a sexy voice "so is it true what they about black men? I want you to prove it to me." the black man says "okay baby you sure your ready for this?" she says yeah excitedly.
He then stabs her and steals her purse.

Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: please call our kids by their real names

A guy ring's his first girlfriend's doorbell...

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.

...She lies on the luxurious couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"..

Another Jehova's Witness joke

A jehovah's witness knocks on a on a door and a man answers the door.
The jehovah's witness tells the man, "I'm from Jehovah's Witness and I have some stories I would like to share with you.

The man replies, "Sure, come on in. Have a seat on the couch. I just made some coffee would you like a cup?"

The Jehovah's Witness agrees to the coffee and they both sit down on the couch. The man says "So what are these stories you would like to share with me?

The Jehovah's Witness answers "I have no idea. No one has ever gotten this far!"

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to a recently married couple's house...

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says " What's for dinner?"

3 kinds of married sex:

Before I got married, my grandpa pulled me aside and asked me if I knew everything I needed to know about sex. I told him I did, but he proceeded to educate me on the 3 kinds of sex I could expect now that I was going to have a wife.

"For the first 6 months to a year, you're going to be having 'Anywhere' sex," he told me. "That's where you'll do it in the kitchen, in the car, on the couch... anywhere."

"After that, there's a long period of 'Bedroom' sex. That's where you do it two or three times a month. Always in the bedroom, usually with the lights off. Finally, " he said, "comes 'Hallway' sex."

"What's that, Pappy?" I said.

"That's where you pass each other in the hall and say, 'Fuck you'."

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to the recently married couple's house.

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

What do couch potatoes evolve into?

Computer chips.

A man comes home exhausted after work

He settle into the couch, turns on the TV, and then tells his wife: "Quick!! Give me a beer. It's about to start!!!"

She hands him a beer. 5 minutes later he yells: "Get me another beer!! It's almost started!!" She brings him another beer. After another 5 minutes he yells: "Get me another beer!! It's gonna start any second now!!"

She brings him beer and says: "Is that all your going to do is sit there and drink beer?" He looks down and says: "Oh Geez, It's starting already."

A man comes home...

To find his wife sitting seductively on the couch in sexy lingerie. She looks at him coyly and asks, "Have you ever seen a dollar all crumpled up?"

The man replies, "No..."

His wife reaches near her breast and pulls out a crumpled up $1 bill. She then asks him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Says the man with a puzzled look on his face.

His wife pulls a $50 bill out of her garter, crumples it up, and throws it at his feet.

She then asks him, "Have you ever seen *fifty thousand dollars* all crumpled up?

"I'm certain that's something I've never seen." Her husband says with confidence.

His wife says, "Go look in the garage, I wrecked the car"

A genie appears in front of a middle-aged wife at home.

"I can grant you one wish," the genie says.

"Well," the woman said thoughtfully, "My husband hasn't been fun in bed for a while... I want you to turn my old cat into a manly friend!" She points at an old, fat cat resting lazily on the couch.

"Granted," the genie says as he disappears, and the cat transforms into a handsome, muscular Brad Pitt clone.

The woman jumps into his arms. "Any words before we make sweet love?"

"Yes," says the man. "I bet you wish you hadn't neutered me."

Baking a Cake

A family was out at a movie and there was a sex scene. Their little girl asks "What are they doing?"
Her mom replies "They are baking a cake." On the way home they saw two people in the park having sex. The little girl asks the same question. Her mother replies "They are baking a cake honey."
The next morning the little girl asked her mom "Were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"
Her mom says "No of course not, why?"
"Because I licked the icing off the couch."

A Mother and Son are walking down a park..

when they see a couple having sex behind a tree. The son turns to his mother and asks what the couple was doing. In a state of panic, his mother told him they were making cake.

Later on in the day, during dinner, the son asks his mother, if her and dad had made cake on the living room couch.
Surprised, his mom had awkwardly said yes, then afraid if he had seen them, she quickly asked how he knew.
The Son replied that he licked the leftover icing off the Sofa.

My wife just sent me to sleep on the couch.

It's just like camping, but with a big angry bear in the next room.

A poor couple...

A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.

One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

Honey, the broken condoms are on the couch again.

I thought we were calling the kids by their names now dear.

...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?

**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.

**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!

...*the doctor examines her and coughs*!

**Doctor:** ...there's money here!

...*using forceps to pull out a Β£20 note*.

**blonde:** ...How much is there?

...*still finding more.... Β£10 notes, Β£50 notes and some loose change*!

**Doctor:** ...Β£1999.97 exactly!

**blonde:** ...I thought I wasn't feeling too grand!

A girl walks in on his parents doin' it...

The parents freak out and try to cover themselves.

The girl asks, Mommy, what are you guys doing?

The mom says, Your dad and I are making cakes.

The girl shrugs and goes back to her room.

*a week later

The girl asks her mom, Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes again in the living room?

The mother replies Yes we were.

The girl says. Oh cool because I just licked the frosting off the couch.

Marital Problems (possible oc?)

Dave got in a fight with his wife and took off for the night. He calls up his friend Steve who offers Dave his couch. While they're watching the gave and having a beer Steve asks Dave what happened.

Dave: I've got no idea. One minute we're talking about the dishwasher, the next she's calling me an arrogant, inconsiderate, chauvinistic pig!

Steve: Well what exactly happened?

Dave: Well, she handed me $1200 to go get a new dishwasher, so I gave it back and told her she was hired.

BEFORE IT STARTS

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob." The man sighs and says, "It's started…"

So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"

I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**

P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. :/

Good Sound

An mp3 file was relaxing on his couch at home, when his wife comes up to him.

Wife: "Honey, could you explain this charge for $600?"
Mp3: "Oh, thats for a new set of headphones."
Wife: "For $600??? How could you spend that much?"
Mp3: "But the sound quality is really good!"
Wife: "SO YOU SPENT $600 FOR GOOD SOUND??"


Mp3 shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm an audiophile"

What does a hippy say when you tell him to get off your couch?

Namaste

Some things make Italian mothers telepathic

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.

He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'

Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '

'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '

Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'

A mother and daughter were at the zoo...

While they were at they the zoo, they see 2 monkeys having sex. The daughter asks the mother, Mommy, what are those monkeys doing? The mother panics and says, They are making cupcakes , to which the daughter just replies, oh ok.

The next day the daughter goes up to her mother and says, You and Daddy were making cupcakes on the couch, weren't you? Shocked, the mother replies, How did you know?! The daughter then replies, because i was licking the icing off the couch!

Some of my friends make fun of me for peeing while sitting down.

But most of them just get mad because it's on their couch.

While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

And that's how the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's how the fight started....

The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...

... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"

The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?

Why couldn't the potato get off the couch?

Because it was baked.

In my birthday suit

A mum comes home to find her teenage daughter naked on the couch.
"Be decent dear; go put on something to cover your nakedness", says the mum.
"I'm not naked, I'm in my birthday suit", says the daughter.
A few days later, the dad comes home to find his middle-aged wife naked on the couch.
"Since when do you get naked around the house; the kids could be coming back at any time", the husband shouts, surprised.
"I'm not naked, I'm in my birthday suit", claims the wife.
"Next time, you should iron it before you put it on!"

Why was the couch afraid of the chair?

The chair was armed.

I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls

Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You`ll know tonight," he softly whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

The man who invented the TV remote control died...

He's going to be buried between two couch cushions.

She must do some of those special exercises

A couple are on their first date. It goes well, they have fun, and at the end of the evening she invites him in for a drink. Soon they are making out on the couch.

After a while, she whispers, "Put your finger inside me."

After a bit longer, "Put another finger in."

Later, "Put all your fingers in."

"Put your whole hand in"

"That's wonderful. Now your other hand."

"Now slide both hands up, all the way to your elbows."

"Now clap."

He says, "I can't."

"Tight, huh?"

So a tech support has a house call...

When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just suck the chocolate off them anyways."

One day a wife complained..

"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

A man is sitting on his couch watching TV...

...when he hears the doorbell ring.

He opens the door, and sees a snail on the doorstep.

"What do you want?" says the man.

"Sir, I am wondering whether you may be interested in some new roller shutters for your home."

The man, furious at being constantly harassed by salesmen, takes a step back, winds up, and kicks the snail as far as he can, then slams the door.

Two years later, the man is sitting on his couch again, when he once again hears the doorbell. He opens the door, and there on the doorstep is the snail, looking puffed out and disheveled, who says to the man,

"What did you do that for?!"

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?

Ferniture.

Irish Joke

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a
big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips
her knickers off and says
'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,

'You must have a vase somewhere!'

A man with three daughters

Was sitting on his couch one day when his oldest daughter comes up to him and asks, dad why did you rose? He replies, well when you were born me and your mother took you to the park and a rose petal fell on you forehead, so we decided to name you rose. She accepts this and goes on her way. A little while latter another daughter comes to him and asks " dad why did you name me daisy"? The man replies " well when you were born we took you to the park and a daisy petal fell on your forehead so we named you daisy" she accepts his answer and leaves. Time goes by and his last daughter come to him and asks " Daud wha oo mam meeee cebernok"? Confused the man asked "what did you say cinder block"

I want to get a dog and name it Syndrome.

So that every time he gets on my couch, I can yell "DOWN SYNDROME"

My friend asked me if I wanted to buy the couch.

I said, "I'll sleep on it."

I was having trouble getting to sleep last night

After about an hour of tossing and turning, my wife rolled over, snuck her hand under the covers, and trailed it playfully down my chest.
"Want meeee to help you get to sleep", She whispered coyly into my ear.
"Yeah", I replied. "Tell me again how your day went".

Couch was comfy.

What did I do wrong?

My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving her dad a hand job.

Parents caught.

One night a little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

In the morning the little boy asks his mom what she and dad were doing last night.

She responds, "Oh! Uh...your father and I...uh....we were baking a cake..."

The little boy says, "Hmmm, thats strange but, ok!"

The next morning at breakfast the little boy asks his mom,

"Mom, were you and dad baking a cake again last night?"

Surprised, she says, "How did you know?"

The little boy responds, "Because this morning I found frosting on the couch and licked it off!"

What are the funniest couch jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Couch? Well, here are the best Couch puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Couch pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes