Hilarious Couch Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"
"Our children have names, Harold!"
How did the love seat get pregnant?
Because the couch didn't pull out.
Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.
A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "Vodka Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."
Baking a Cake
A family was out at a movie and there was a sex scene. Their little girl asks "What are they doing?"
Her mom replies "They are baking a cake." On the way home they saw two people in the park having sex. The little girl asks the same question. Her mother replies "They are baking a cake honey."
The next morning the little girl asked her mom "Were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"
Her mom says "No of course not, why?"
"Because I licked the icing off the couch."
Why can't Buddhists vacuum under the couch?
Because they have no attachments.
A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."
What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?
What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?
Ferniture.
Does your dog bite?
A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.
A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist
So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."
I've spent the last hour masturbating on the couch.
This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes.
You can explore couch husband reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean couch home dad jokes. There are also couch puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So a tech support has a house call...
When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just suck the chocolate off them anyways."
What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch?
Namaste
And that's how the fight started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's how the fight started....
"What are those things on mommy's chest?"
A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."
A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"
I want to get a dog and name it Syndrome.
So that every time he gets on my couch, I can yell "DOWN SYNDROME"
I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls
Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You`ll know tonight," he softly whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
Good Sound
An mp3 file was relaxing on his couch at home, when his wife comes up to him.
Wife: "Honey, could you explain this charge for $600?"
Mp3: "Oh, thats for a new set of headphones."
Wife: "For $600??? How could you spend that much?"
Mp3: "But the sound quality is really good!"
Wife: "SO YOU SPENT $600 FOR GOOD SOUND??"
Mp3 shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm an audiophile"
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.
I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...
She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...
What do couch potatoes evolve into?
Computer chips.
My girlfriend is so busted
she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"
My friend asked me if I wanted to buy the couch.
I said, "I'll sleep on it."
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
One day a wife complained..
"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
Why couldn't the potato get off the couch?
Because it was baked.
Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?
Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch
Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names
A man and his son are sitting, naked, on a couch...
... and the little boy asks, "Dad why are our penises different?"
The father replies, "Firstly, son, you don't have an erection."
Honey, the broken condoms are on the couch again.
I thought we were calling the kids by their names now dear.
What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch?
There will be grim reaper cushions
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."
Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.
Why was the couch afraid of the chair?
The chair was armed.
The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.
On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?
If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...
I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.
The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...
... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"
What does a hippy say when you tell him to get off your couch?
Namaste
It's really fascinating that I've been able to see language evolve over just a couple generations. For example, what they used to call a chesterfield we now call a couch, what they used to call a veranda we now call a porch, and what they used to call a joke we now call
a president.
Wife and husband are in the living room.
She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.
At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.
Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.
At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.
"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."
The cake is a lie.
A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mom quickly replied, "We were baking a cake."
A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?"
Surprised, she said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."
You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad...
It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.
Some of my friends make fun of me for peeing while sitting down.
But most of them just get mad because it's on their couch.
What's the proper name for a gay couch?
A homosectional.
A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell
She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"
Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.
I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog
He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
Huband: There are broken condoms on our couch
Wife: How many times have I told you not to call our children that?
The man who invented the TV remote control died...
He's going to be buried between two couch cushions.
A girl walks in on his parents doin' it...
The parents freak out and try to cover themselves.
The girl asks, Mommy, what are you guys doing?
The mom says, Your dad and I are making cakes.
The girl shrugs and goes back to her room.
*a week later
The girl asks her mom, Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes again in the living room?
The mother replies Yes we were.
The girl says. Oh cool because I just licked the frosting off the couch.
My wife just sent me to sleep on the couch.
It's just like camping, but with a big angry bear in the next room.
So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"
I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**
P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. :/
I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...
She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.
A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room
He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it's nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it's because i was wearing it
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"
The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a
big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips
her knickers off and says
'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'
I've lost 20% of my couch
ouch
My mom said I would never be anything laying on the couch all day
Look at me now, I'm saving the world
A Man Walks into His Home
He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"
His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"
Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
A boy and a man sit on a couch together.
The boy says to the man, "Yeah, well, I didn't believe in reincarnation when I was your age either."
A woman gets out of the shower and looks at herself in the mirror
She walks past her husband reading the newspaper on the couch, and says, "I just looked at myself in the mirror and I look ugly as hell. How about a nice compliment to cheer me up?"
The husband takes one glance at his wife and replies, "Your eyesight is spot-on."
80% of my couch fell on my foot today.
...ouch.
A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...
Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!
Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?
I think I am, he said.
You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.
Yes, I guess I am, he said.
That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.
I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.
After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"
" yes " I said eagerly.
"Do you have protection? " She asked .
"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?
A couch can support a family.
What does that couch have in common with your mom?
Both of them are supportive
Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.
Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?
Wife: I lost my womb like You said
Husband: did it hurt?
Wife: didn't feel anything but it hurt like hell when I put it back in.
I just lost 20% of my couch
Ouch.
A man is lying on a couch in his therapists office...
The man: Doc, I think I have a fetish for figuring things out.
Therapist: ...What makes you think that?
The man: I just came to that realization.
A few minutes after she was hired, the boss and the secretary got up from the couch in the office and started dressing.
"I want to confess", the secretary says as she lifts her pants.
"I hope it does not mess up our relationship after what has just happened on the couch. But I don't really type as fast as I said in the interview."
"It's okay", the new boss replies, "I want to confess, too, and I hope it doesn't mess up our relationship - I'm not the boss here at all, I'm the cleaner…
My friend was visiting from Barcelona, and he asked me if he could crash on my couch.
I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish imposition!
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
The Italian Mother
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head.
She looks up and asks "What are you staring at?"
A spider, he replies.
I don't see anything.
Oh, it must have fallen on your head, he says calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming.
The man says, While you're up, you mind getting me another beer?"
I met a girl last night & after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play "Doctor"?
So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of out dated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.
At the end of our last argument, my wife was on her hands and knees before me!
And then she said: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"
Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?
I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.
I literally just last week realized there is no such thing as "the heavy end" 🤦
I am a 28 year old male, and for as long as I can remember every time me and my dad move something, such as a chair, or a couch, or a coffee table, he said "alright I'll get the heavy end" and idk why I always just assumed he was being nice and getting the heavier side.
And it literally just occurred to me within the last few weeks when we picked something up, there's no heavy end. They're both the same weight 😭😭😭
How did the drummer sell their couch?
Per cushion.
Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling
And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"
Where do you find a Himalayan cat?
You'll find him-a-layin on the couch
paranoid fantasies
A woman is laying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist says, "I want to talk about these paranoid fantasies you've been having of being stalked by a man who is disguising himself as furniture. How long have you been having these delusions?"
The woman says, "About 5 months."
The couch says, "It's been 6 months, actually."
The number 8 goes to see a psychiatrist ...
The psychiatrist says, "Would you like to lay down on the couch?" and the number 8 replies, "No thank you, I don't want to be here forever."
I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me:
"I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
"I know where babies come from."
After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"
Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."
Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start hugging, then the Daddy's thingy stands up, and the Mommy kneels down and cleans her teeth with it."
Mom says "That's sweet Honey, but that's not where babies come from, that's where jewelry comes from!"
The Redneck Honeymoon
A guy redneck and a girl redneck just got married. It's the night of the honeymoon and the guy's parents come home to find their son sitting there on the couch.
"Son, what are you doing here? Tonight's your honeymoon, you should be with your bride."
The son looks up forlornly, with tears in his eyes. "Well dad, I found out she's a virgin!"
The father shrugs and says "so?"
"C'mon dad, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain't good enough for ours!"
