Couch Jokes

Following is our collection of husband puns and chair one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Couch jokes for adults, dirty home jokes and clean matress dad gags for kids.

The Best Couch Puns

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight

I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.


Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

What's the proper name for a gay couch?

A homosectional.

Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch

Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!

Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?

I think I am, he said.

You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.

Yes, I guess I am, he said.

That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.

I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it's nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it's because i was wearing it

Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch.


How did the love seat get pregnant?

Because the couch didn't pull out.

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

A man and his son are sitting, naked, on a couch...

... and the little boy asks, "Dad why are our penises different?"

The father replies, "Firstly, son, you don't have an erection."

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"

A kid surprises his father on the couch...

- Dad!! What are you doing??
- Son, this is called masturbation, and you will soon do it as well.
- Yikes!! Why would I do that???
- Because my hand is getting tired.

I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...

She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

Huband: There are broken condoms on our couch

Wife: How many times have I told you not to call our children that?

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "Vodka Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."


The cake is a lie.

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"

The mom quickly replied, "We were baking a cake."

A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?"

Surprised, she said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.

At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.

Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.

At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.

"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."

Does your dog bite?

A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."

My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

80% of my couch fell on my foot today.

...ouch.

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch?

Namaste

You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad...

It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog

He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch?

There will be grim reaper cushions

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

It's really fascinating that I've been able to see language evolve over just a couple generations. For example, what they used to call a chesterfield we now call a couch, what they used to call a veranda we now call a porch, and what they used to call a joke we now call

a president.

"What are those things on mommy's chest?"

A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."

A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.


"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.


"What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.


"Needs ironing"...

I've spent the last hour masturbating on the couch.

This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes.

Why can't Buddhists vacuum under the couch?

Because they have no attachments.

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

A Man Walks into His Home

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"

His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

What do couch potatoes evolve into?

Computer chips.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a

big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says

'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,

'You must have a vase somewhere!'

After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"

" yes " I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection? " She asked .

"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.

A poor couple...

A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.

One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

Baking a Cake

A family was out at a movie and there was a sex scene. Their little girl asks "What are they doing?"
Her mom replies "They are baking a cake." On the way home they saw two people in the park having sex. The little girl asks the same question. Her mother replies "They are baking a cake honey."
The next morning the little girl asked her mom "Were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"
Her mom says "No of course not, why?"
"Because I licked the icing off the couch."

My wife just sent me to sleep on the couch.

It's just like camping, but with a big angry bear in the next room.

A girl walks in on his parents doin' it...

The parents freak out and try to cover themselves.

The girl asks, Mommy, what are you guys doing?

The mom says, Your dad and I are making cakes.

The girl shrugs and goes back to her room.

*a week later

The girl asks her mom, Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes again in the living room?

The mother replies Yes we were.

The girl says. Oh cool because I just licked the frosting off the couch.

Honey, the broken condoms are on the couch again.

I thought we were calling the kids by their names now dear.

I've lost 20% of my couch

ouch

My mom said I would never be anything laying on the couch all day

Look at me now, I'm saving the world

So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"

I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**

P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. :/

Good Sound

An mp3 file was relaxing on his couch at home, when his wife comes up to him.

Wife: "Honey, could you explain this charge for $600?"
Mp3: "Oh, thats for a new set of headphones."
Wife: "For $600??? How could you spend that much?"
Mp3: "But the sound quality is really good!"
Wife: "SO YOU SPENT $600 FOR GOOD SOUND??"


Mp3 shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm an audiophile"

What does a hippy say when you tell him to get off your couch?

Namaste

Some of my friends make fun of me for peeing while sitting down.

But most of them just get mad because it's on their couch.

While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

A woman gets out of the shower and looks at herself in the mirror

She walks past her husband reading the newspaper on the couch, and says, "I just looked at myself in the mirror and I look ugly as hell. How about a nice compliment to cheer me up?"


The husband takes one glance at his wife and replies, "Your eyesight is spot-on."

Why was the couch afraid of the chair?

The chair was armed.

The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...

... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"

The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?

Why couldn't the potato get off the couch?

Because it was baked.

And that's how the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's how the fight started....

I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls

Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You`ll know tonight," he softly whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

The man who invented the TV remote control died...

He's going to be buried between two couch cushions.

One day a wife complained..

"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

So a tech support has a house call...

When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just suck the chocolate off them anyways."

My friend asked me if I wanted to buy the couch.

I said, "I'll sleep on it."

I want to get a dog and name it Syndrome.

So that every time he gets on my couch, I can yell "DOWN SYNDROME"

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?

Ferniture.

What did I do wrong?

My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving her dad a hand job.

I was having trouble getting to sleep last night

After about an hour of tossing and turning, my wife rolled over, snuck her hand under the covers, and trailed it playfully down my chest.
"Want meeee to help you get to sleep", She whispered coyly into my ear.
"Yeah", I replied. "Tell me again how your day went".

Couch was comfy.

Beth, why are all of our broken condoms on the couch?

HONEY! How many times do I have to tell you not to call out kids like that!

A boy learned about abortion is school one day...

When the boy got home he found his parents on the couch.

"Mom, Dad, what do you think about abortion?" He asked.

"I don't know," replied his dad, "ask your sister."

"I don't have a sis-"


(Thanks to my friend, Alex, for telling me that joke.)

A boy and a man sit on a couch together.

The boy says to the man, "Yeah, well, I didn't believe in reincarnation when I was your age either."Β 

What does the hippie on your couch say when you ask him to leave?

Namaste

Several months

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

[NSFW] A young boy is hiking with his dad when...

A young boy is hiking with his dad when they come across a couple having sex.

When the boy asks his dad what they are doing, the father replies, rather embarrassed: they're making a cake.

A few days later, the young boy goes up to his father and proudly announces:

I saw you and mum making a cake last night in the living room! I even licked the icing off the couch.

Did you know Jeffrey Dahmer was a closet smoker?

He kept the butts behind the couch.

Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you're supposed to sit on.

There were reaper cushions.

I went to a therapist to talk about how insecure I was about my looks.

He told me to lie on the couch face down.

What did the couch say to the armchair?

Don't worry, I pull out.

I was planning on watching the fight on my TV tonight

But it was pretty uncomfortable, so I'll probably just watch it from my couch.

This afternoon I just relaxed on the couch and masturbated.

The psychiatrist took a lot of notes.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says you gotta help me I think I'm a dog

The psychiatrist says that's very interesting why don't you lay down on the couch. The guy says I'm not allowed on the couch.

Hilarious Joke

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat.

Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie.

I can't, says the poodle. I'm not allowed on the couch.

(Old joke alert - be gentle.)

So, a guy sees this girl home after a date.

She says

\- Do you want to come in? You'll have to be very quiet, my parents are upstairs.

\- Sure

So they go in to the sitting room, get on the couch, and start smooching.

The guy says

\- Sorry, I need to use your bathroom.

\- The bathroom is upstairs, and you might wake my parents. Can you go in the kitchen sink?

\- OK

Couple of minutes later, guy walks back in

\- Any paper?

What do you call two nerds dry humping on the couch?

Science friction.

There is an abundance of plops jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 84 funniest jokes and couch puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any honey witze you can hear about couch.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes