cotton Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cotton puns

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

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Why don't rabbits make any noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls

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cigarettes and tampons (this is long)

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles,
the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him,
he answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife,
she directs him down the correct aisle,
a few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter,
she says confused "sir i thought you were looking for some tampons for you wife?"
he answers "you see it's like this, yesterday i sent my wife to the store to get me cigarettes,
she can back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because "it's soooooooo much cheaper." So i figure if i have to roll my own so does she

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"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""

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As told to me by an indian bus driver overseas...

Why don't rabbits make noise when they fuck?

Because they have cotton balls.


Apologies if it's a repost.

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A wife sends her husband to the store to buy tampons.

He asks the front desk lady where the tampons are located. She points him in the right direction, and he saunters off. A little while later, he returns with cotton balls and some string. Confused, the clerk asks, "Didn't you come in here looking for tampons?"

"I did," he replied, " but last week I sent my wife to the store for cigarettes and she came back with rolling papers and tobacco, because it was cheaper. If I have to roll my own, so does she."

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Panty Stitcher VS Diesel Fitter

Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled labor," she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.

When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor"

"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Pedro puts dem over his head and says: 'Yeah, diesel fitter.'"

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A guy walks into a pharmacy store

and goes up to the counter and asks the lady at the register where he can find the tampons at. "Aisle 7" she replies. He returns ten minutes later with some string, a roll of scotch tape, and a bag of cotton balls. The lady at the register goes "what in the heck, i thought you were getting tampons?" The man replies, "I was going to until I remembered that i sent my wife out for cigarettes last week and she came home with rolling papers and a bag of tobacco saying it was cheaper to do it myself."

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What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus?

I don't know, but it's damn good at picking cotton.




*I know, I know, racism is bad, and I do feel bad but I still think it's hilarious. I'm German, so hit me with your best joke about Germans.*

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Diesel Fitter

Ole and Lars who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.

Lars was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.

When Ole finds out he is furious. He stormed back to find out why Lars, his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

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Roll your Own

A man walks into a store and asks the clerk where he can find the tampons, so he can pick some up for his wife. He is directed to the appropriate "nasty women stuff" isle. He returns a few minutes later with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of kite string. The clerk hesitantly asks, " I know it's none of my business, but weren't you looking for tampons?"

The man replies, " Yeah, but then I remembered the last time I sent my wife out to get me cigarettes and she came back with a pouch of tobacco and some papers because it was cheaper. So this time she can roll her own."

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Why do bunnies have soft sex?

They have cotton balls.

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I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

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"Why is that cotton candy talking?"

"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"

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A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
The Texan answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"

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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist,

"Excuse me, do you have cotton balls?" The pharmacist replies, " Ma'am, if I did, my kids would be stuffed animals."

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Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm

At first i thought it was mine,
but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton

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Why can't you hear rabbits have sex?

because they have cotton balls.

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Now that the tide pod fad is dying down

lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.

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A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

God to the guy: Who are you?
Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver.
God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest:Who are you?
Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people.
God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.

Priest: God,How is that the foul mouthed,rash driver gets a golden robe and I who spent all my life preaching about goodness, get a cotton one?

God: Results, my son, results.
While you preached,most people slept. When he drove everyone prayed!

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A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

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I Work At Sears And Some Black Guys Came In Asking For Polyester Pants

It's weird because they usually pick cotton.

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One hundred year old man propositions a prostitute...

A 100 year old man propositions a prostitute on the street. She is doubtful he can even get it up but she takes him to a motel room, undresses and hops in bed.

The old man shuffles to the foot of the bed and pulls out a cotton ball and a condom. He tears the cotton ball into four equal pieces, methodically putting one piece in each nostril, and one piece in each ear.

Before he puts the last piece of cotton in his ear, the prostitute, asks him, Honey, why did you put that cotton in your nose and ears?

The old man put the last bit of cotton in his ear and started strapping on the condom and then replied to her question, There are few things I can't abide, one is the smell of burning rubber, and the other is the sound of a screaming woman!

comment: this may be a common joke. I don't tell them much or collect them. It's 20 years old at least. Heard it when I was 17.

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Diesel Fitter

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
Asked for his occupation, Ole said "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The cleark looked up Panty Sticher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stichers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter!"

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How does a black women tell she is pregnant?

When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.

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A lady asks her pharmacist, "do you have cotton balls?" "Yes..."

She interrupted, before he could continue. "Oh, I bet it's really quiet when you f*ck!!"

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Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him If she can help
him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for
his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

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Why was the cotton candy singing?

Grandma, hush, that's Nicki Minaj

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You will never see a black clown at the circus...

Because they are busy picking cotton candy.

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The most offensive joke I know.

Why do pharmacists put cotton wool balls in all of their drug bottles?
To Remind black people that they were cotton pickers before they were junkies.

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How can you tell when a black woman is pregnant?

When she pulls out her tampon all the cotton is picked off.

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Want to know how dark my humor is?

It picks cotton

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Why are rabbits so quiet when they're having sex?

Because they have cotton balls

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At the store: Sir, do you have cotton balls?

Look, if I had cotton balls my kids would be plush toys!

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Why doesn't the Easter Bunny make noise when he has sex?

Because he has cotton balls!

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What are the most funny Cotton jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cotton? Well, here are the best Cotton dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cotton pick up lines to share with friends.

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