Cotton Jokes

What are some Cotton jokes?

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""

Panty Stitcher VS Diesel Fitter

Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled labor," she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.

When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor"

"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Pedro puts dem over his head and says: 'Yeah, diesel fitter.'"

Diesel Fitter

Ole and Lars who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.

Lars was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.

When Ole finds out he is furious. He stormed back to find out why Lars, his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

"Why is that cotton candy talking?"

"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"

Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm

At first i thought it was mine,
but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton

Now that the tide pod fad is dying down

lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.

A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

God to the guy: Who are you?
Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver.
God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest:Who are you?
Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people.
God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.

Priest: God,How is that the foul mouthed,rash driver gets a golden robe and I who spent all my life preaching about goodness, get a cotton one?

God: Results, my son, results.
While you preached,most people slept. When he drove everyone prayed!

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

I Work At Sears And Some Black Guys Came In Asking For Polyester Pants

It's weird because they usually pick cotton.

One hundred year old man propositions a prostitute...

A 100 year old man propositions a prostitute on the street. She is doubtful he can even get it up but she takes him to a motel room, undresses and hops in bed.

The old man shuffles to the foot of the bed and pulls out a cotton ball and a condom. He tears the cotton ball into four equal pieces, methodically putting one piece in each nostril, and one piece in each ear.

Before he puts the last piece of cotton in his ear, the prostitute, asks him, Honey, why did you put that cotton in your nose and ears?

The old man put the last bit of cotton in his ear and started strapping on the condom and then replied to her question, There are few things I can't abide, one is the smell of burning rubber, and the other is the sound of a screaming woman!

comment: this may be a common joke. I don't tell them much or collect them. It's 20 years old at least. Heard it when I was 17.

Diesel Fitter

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
Asked for his occupation, Ole said "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The cleark looked up Panty Sticher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stichers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter!"

How does a black women tell she is pregnant?

When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.

Why was the cotton candy singing?

Grandma, hush, that's Nicki Minaj

You will never see a black clown at the circus...

Because they are busy picking cotton candy.

How can you tell when a black woman is pregnant?

When she pulls out her tampon all the cotton is picked off.

Want to know how dark my humor is?

It picks cotton

How does a black girl know shes pregnant?

When all the cotton is picked off her tampon.

You can't be woke all the time.

Even Fredrick Douglas wore cotton.

What do you call the offspring of a black man and an octopus?

I don't know but it sure can pick a lot of cotton.

I didn't have a condom last night, so I used a sock...

She wouldn't stop complaining about cotton mouth.

What's a rappers shirt made out of?

Strait out of cotton

After being at sea for six months

After being at sea for six months the working man heads to the local cat house. He picks the woman he wants & they go into a room.
As she is getting undressed the man starts stuffing cotton in his nose & ears.

She asks him, "What is all that cotton for?"

He replies, "There is 2 things I can't stand. That is the smell of burning rubber & the sound of a screaming woman."

A black man walked into my store today and bought polyester pants.

Which is weird, since they usually pick cotton.

What does a vampire call a used tampon?

Cotton candy

"Git yer cotton pickin hands off a my gin."

-Eli Whitney

Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle?

To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

A priest and a taxi driver go to heaven

While they're at the pearly gates God talks to them about their time in Earth. When he's done talking to the cab driver, he hands him a gold staff and a beautiful silk robe as he walks in

Once he's finished with the priest however, he hands him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest says to God "excuse me, but you gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe, but I only got a wood staff and cloth robe. There must be some mistake"

God responds, "No, I don't make mistakes. When people were riding with the cab driver, they prayed. When they were with you, they slept"

Boll weevils are detrimental to cotton crops. If you had to have boll weevils on your farm, which do you want, a big weevil or a little weevil?

The little weevil, because you always want the *lesser of two weevils.*

My botany professor just told us this.

I Told My Black Friend He Has a Nice Shirt

He replies saying it is made out of quality cotton.

I asked if his parents picked it out for him.

Slave owners used to get black people to pick cotton...

now they get them to pick Democrats.

Why is the rate of unemployed black people higher than in the 20th century?

Because synthetic cotton is more popular.

Giving blood

While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the sperm bank and got three hundred dollars for that.
About a month later he runs into her again at the hospital. Are you back giving blood, he asked. With her cheeks puffed out, shaking her head no she muttered, um-um, um-um.

Why do black people hate the world fairs?

To be honest I don't know. Iam too busy enjoying the cotton candy , cruises , and auctions!

My mouth so dry...

Eli Whitney walk up on me while I'm yawning and invent the cotton gin.

What about that new beer...

by Peter Cotton Ale? It's made with more hops!

I tried Tylenol for the first time today.

It tasted a lot like cotton.

What was George Gershwin's favorite winter sport?

Fissure jumping.

(and the cotton is high)

I am so Pro-Black...

That I don't even pick cotton from an Aspirin bottle...

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went all the way out to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

You know which presidential candidate in 2020 will have the hardest time?

Tom Cotton.

Having to tell black people to "Pick Cotton!" in 2020.

My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...

...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."

What's the worst part about going down on a black girl?

Cotton mouth

The monkey and the lizard

Lizard is walking through the woods when he sees Monkey up in the branches of a tree.
"Hello there, Monkey! What are you up to today?"
"Hey Lizard. I was just about to smoke this joint."
"I'll be right up."
After he tokes, Lizard says, "Monkey, I have cotton mouth, real bad. I'm going down to the river for a drink of fresh water."
When Lizard reaches the river, he leans over and drinks and drinks. Alligator swims up and says, "Slow down, Lizard! Why are you drinking so much water?"
"Well I was smoking a joint with Monkey up in a tree and I got cotton mouth real bad."
"Wait a minute. Monkey has a joint? In a tree? This I've got to see."
Alligator gets out of the river and goes waddling up to the tree.
"Say, Monkey..."
"Jesus Lizard! How much water did you drink, man?"

I have a friend called Rick that was recently turned into cotton...

we have to call him Threadrick now.

I thought of this joke on the way to buy my lunch today, I hope it's not already been made.

I lost my virginity to a girl on her period.

The foreplay gave me cotton mouth.

A black work colleague of mine accused me of making subtle racist comments to him.

I had to defend myself and said woah, now hold on a cotton picking minute

Simple Mind Joke

Say each of the color questions aloud to yourself and then answer the final question. I'll post the answer in comments if someone doesn't beat me to it.

What color are polar bears?
What color is cotton?
What color are clouds normally on a sunny day?
What color are marshmallows?

So what do cows drink _________?

Last night I dreamed about eating a huge cotton candy.

When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

What do you call Raggedy Ann, in a puddle of mud, with a stone in her mouth?

A dirty cotton rock sucker.

Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.

When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."

How do you know a black woman is pregnant?

When she pulls out a tampon and all the cotton had been picked.

I feel bad for saying this but it gave a me good laugh.

What has Ferris wheels, cotton candy, and delicious fried food?

That's a fair question

What's a small black dot between two larger white ones?

A flea with cotton wool in its ears.

How to make Cotton jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Cotton to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Cotton? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Cotton pick up lines to share with friends.

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