Cost Jokes
155 cost jokes and hilarious cost puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cost that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh away the rising costs of living with these humorous jokes about everything from opportunity cost and healthcare cost to petrol cost and inflation! Learn to joke about saffron, fuel cost, and energy cost in order to insure that your wallet is not too strained by the rising cost of living.
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Funniest Cost Short Jokes
Short cost jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cost humour may include short expenses jokes also.
- In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50. These are the pie rates of the caribbean.
- Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party. Lady: Do you mean a choir?
Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group? - Son asks dad how much does marriage cost? Dad: i don't know son I'm still paying for it
- I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican." It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
- What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless? 2nd place in a presidential election.
- I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
- Had to stop at the gas station to fill my tires… They raised the price to $1.50. I just can't believe the cost of inflation these days.
- They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
- I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars. But nature is only out a buck.
- A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks... Man: 'Is this Gluten free?'
Cashier: No.
It costs $4.50
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Cost One Liners
Which cost one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cost? I can suggest the ones about price and budget.
- How much does santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.
- What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback
Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion - What did the deaf person think when he won the auction? I've won, but at what cost?
- How much do used batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.
- Don't vaccinate your kids... Smaller coffins cost less than bigger ones.
- It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog So I booked a United flight instead
- Vader has a pretty sweet suit. It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.
- How much does a red lightsaber cost? An arm and a leg
^^ - What does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.
- Which haircut would cost you the most? Chemotherapy
- I don't understand how cemeteries can raise their prices and blame the cost of living
- How much does it cost Santa to park? Nothing. It's on the house
- How much does a dead battery cost? It's free of charge
- I traded some deers in exchange of a car. This car costed me a couple of bucks.
- Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation
Cost Of Living Jokes
Here is a list of funny cost of living jokes and even better cost of living puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe... There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there.
- Dwarfism is a growing problem. And with the cost of living going up at the moment, they're really struggling to put food on the table.
- Despite the cost of living... It still remains so popular.
- A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living Indeed a grave situation
- The new Space Force is going to cost the government billions in unforeseen expenses. The military housing allowance will go through the roof because the cost of living in space is astronomical.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- How do you push the high costs of living out of your way? You just got to budge it!
- Costs of living are so high that my wife sleeps with me again She can't afford new pair of batteries
- Did you hear that prices are going up all around? They are even charging more for plots at the cemetery. They say it's due to cost of living expenses.
- Despite the cost of living it's extremely popular Over 7 billion people are doing it
Low Cost Jokes
Here is a list of funny low cost jokes and even better low cost puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've hung pictures of my old graphics cards on the wall, it didn't cost much I got low frame rates
- A low level member in a clan of cannibals gave some of his food... ...to the leader of the clan, in order to gain his favor.
It cost an arm and a leg, but it was worth it.
Healthcare Cost Jokes
Here is a list of funny healthcare cost jokes and even better healthcare cost puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- American healthcare costs are out of a control A simple double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!
- Healthcare Costs in America
- They said Canada has free healthcare, but after I got in a car accident and needed to have two limbs amputated... The cost was an arm and a leg!
Happy Cost Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about cost you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean profit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cost pranks.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks
Cost me an arm and a leg!
A woman goes into a store...
and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that.
The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
Battery
An old woman mistook me for an employee at the supermarket.
She asked, "how much does just one AA battery cost?"
I had one in my pocket, but it was dead. I handed it over and said, "Here, no charge."
God creates Adam
God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, wash your clothes, and laugh at all of your jokes."
Adam couldn't believe his luck!
God says, "All this will cost you only and arm and a leg." To which Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"
I got a hair cut for $10
At this rate, its gonna cost me a million dollars to get them all cut.
So Adam was lonely.
God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys were drinking and having a conversation in a bar
During the conversation o**... says to the other
"I blew a t**... over the weekend. It leaked everywhere and it cost me a small fortune".
Upon hearing this, his friend says. "When did they say you can pick up your car?".
Confused, the first guy said "Car? What car?"
A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...
The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"
The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."
"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yep. What's your third question?"
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...
And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs.
"Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How much does a s**... cost?
I have no idea, I just know they aren't free
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and inoculate for 75 cents a day.
Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"The total cost would be £3000," said the f**... director.
"And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
The Good Old Days!
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
"Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"
"that is a cheap stereotype"
So a college teacher is talking to his male students...
"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."
Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:
"How much for a semester pass?"
On the topic of jokes we made up when we were younger, here's mine: "How much does Canada cost?"
Nothing. It's a free country.
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
A young boy wants to buy a tomato...
He approaches the farmer with his few pennies and asks how much that nice, red, juicy tomato would cost. The farmer replies, "35 cents."
Appearing dismayed, the child wanders down the rows of vines and finds a small, green, unappetizing tomato.
"How much for this little one, here?" he timidly asked.
"Hehe. 3 cents" the farmer replied with a chuckle.
"Great!" the boy exclaimed as he handed over his coins. "I'll be back next week to pick it up."
My wife wasn't happy.
True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."
blond joke
A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
Dyslexia cost me my job in IT
Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin decides to invade Poland
Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.
Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of v**... in Moscow 2016 cost.
Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.
Putin: Rubles?!?
Fortuneteller: No, PLN.
Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil
It only cost him a Penny
Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.
I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.
It cost me a fortune.
Couple went to Jerusalem...
And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...
A man orders a coffee
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
They say they 'give' medals for valour
But mine cost an arm and a leg.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Money-minded Cabbie!!
A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a h**....'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having s**....
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
No one is sure how much it cost Coke to sponsor the Paralympics,
but it undoubtedly cost an arm and a leg.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I Hadn't been into a s**... shop in a long time.
Blow up dolls cost a lot more than they used to...
I guess that's from all the inflation.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...
And that's just for the alcohol.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shooting guns is a s**... hobby.
Its much easier and more cost efficient to shoot targets!
What do women and the stock market have in common?
If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.
Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
How to get free internet @ home
I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are paying for my wifi.
What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common?
Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering.
Guy gets a call from his doctor.
"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.
"What? How?" Guy exclaims.
"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."
"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy laments. "How much will it cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
It doesn't cost me $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Went to buy a bouncy castle today and it cost twice as much as last year
Guess that's inflation for you
Pie rates of the Caribbean joke
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
'Dad, how much did it cost for you and mom to get married?'
Dad's reply: idk I'm still paying.
The cost of dropping your phone on the floor
If you drop your iPhone on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 149$.
If you drop your HTC on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 200$.
If you drop your Nokia on the floor the cost of getting the floor repaired is 2000$.
How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas?
Eight bucks
Nine bucks if the weather is bad.
A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"
"ten dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"
My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."
Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it..
It'll cost me an arm and a leg.
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
An American man visits the Holy Land...
An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."
Children are like Tumors...
They cost a lot of money to deal with, but eventually they grow on you.
How much does it cost to see Harry Potter fly a broomstick?
About a Quid each.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The n**... really wasted so much money and effort on a racist motive which made no sense
It truly was a hollow cost
When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons.
It cost $3.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man was in his car when he spotted a p**..., he asked her the cost of a h**..., she replied, "10$, wanna get one?"
He said, "Nah, I just wanted to know how much I save if I do it myself."
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
I'm not saying you are old...
but the candles cost more than your cake.
(I heard this one at a bridge club today)
As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.
He said an arm and a leg.
An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel
While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.
A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.
The husband thinks about it for a while and then says to the mortitian that he would like to have her transported home.
The mortitian asks the why he wouldn't let her be buried in Israel when he could save a lot of money!
The husband then says "well I've heard of a guy who died and was buried here many years ago and he came back after three days. I'm not gonna risk that!"
my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid
"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to make a trivia show for r**... where wrong answers cost them their hair.
I'll call it "Mullet Over."
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students...
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
How much for a season pass?
My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark's parents?
One Buck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
