Cost Jokes
160 cost jokes and hilarious cost puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cost that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh away the rising costs of living with these humorous jokes about everything from opportunity cost and healthcare cost to petrol cost and inflation! Learn to joke about saffron, fuel cost, and energy cost in order to insure that your wallet is not too strained by the rising cost of living.
Quick Jump To
- Short Cost Jokes
- Cost One Liners
- Cost Of Living Jokes
- Low Cost Jokes
- Healthcare Cost Jokes
- More Cost Jokes
Funniest Cost Short Jokes
Short cost jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cost humour may include short expenses jokes also.
- In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50. These are the pie rates of the caribbean.
- Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion Probably because Mexico has more aliens
- 1 slice of apple pie will cost you $2.45 in Jamaica. A slice of apple pie costs $3.75 in Trinidad and the same slice costs $4.45 in Barbados. And those are the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean.
- Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party. Lady: Do you mean a choir?
Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group? - Son asks dad how much does marriage cost? Dad: i don't know son I'm still paying for it
- I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican." It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
- What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless? 2nd place in a presidential election.
- I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
- Had to stop at the gas station to fill my tires… They raised the price to $1.50. I just can't believe the cost of inflation these days.
- They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
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Cost One Liners
Which cost one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cost? I can suggest the ones about price and budget.
- What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
- How much does Santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.
- What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback
Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion - Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar... Its called inflation.
- What did the deaf person think when he won the auction? I've won, but at what cost?
- How much do used batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.
- Don't vaccinate your kids... Smaller coffins cost less than bigger ones.
- Why does it cost $1.50 now to put air in my tires? Inflation?
- It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog So I booked a United flight instead
- Vader has a pretty sweet suit. It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.
- How much does a chimney cost ? Free, It's on the house !
- How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer.
- Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm. E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
- How much does a red lightsaber cost? An arm and a leg
^^ - How much did it cost the pirate to have his ears pierced? A buck an ear
Cost Of Living Jokes
Here is a list of funny cost of living jokes and even better cost of living puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't understand how cemeteries can raise their prices and blame the cost of living
- Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe... There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there.
- Dwarfism is a growing problem. And with the cost of living going up at the moment, they're really struggling to put food on the table.
- With the cost of living crisis, it has finally happened. The poor are revolting. No surprise really, given the cost of soap now.
- Despite the cost of living... It still remains so popular.
- A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living Indeed a grave situation
- The new Space Force is going to cost the government billions in unforeseen expenses. The military housing allowance will go through the roof because the cost of living in space is astronomical.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- How do you push the high costs of living out of your way? You just got to budge it!
- You're my drug Awww, why, because you can't live without me?
No. Because you cost too much and ruin my life .
Low Cost Jokes
Here is a list of funny low cost jokes and even better low cost puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- At the low cost airliner Flight attendant: would you like a drink?
Passenger: what are the options?
Flight attendant: yes or no - I've hung pictures of my old graphics cards on the wall, it didn't cost much I got low frame rates
- TIL girls can use asprin as low cost birth control If they hold it with their knees.
- A low level member in a clan of cannibals gave some of his food... ...to the leader of the clan, in order to gain his favor.
It cost an arm and a leg, but it was worth it. - Why are Bernie Sanders' haircut costs so low? He only gets rid of 1%
- What do you call a cheap h**... at a concentration camp? A h**... Low Cost
- How were the Jews captured during World War 2? They could not resist a h**...-low-cost.
Healthcare Cost Jokes
Here is a list of funny healthcare cost jokes and even better healthcare cost puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- American healthcare costs are out of a control A simple double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!
- Healthcare Costs in America
- They said Canada has free healthcare, but after I got in a car accident and needed to have two limbs amputated... The cost was an arm and a leg!
Happy Cost Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about cost you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean profit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cost pranks.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks
Cost me an arm and a leg!
The s**... position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
A woman goes into a store...
and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that.
The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
What does bungee jumping and h**... have in common?
Both of them cost $100 and if the rubber breaks, you're s**...!
God creates Adam
God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, wash your clothes, and laugh at all of your jokes."
Adam couldn't believe his luck!
God says, "All this will cost you only and arm and a leg." To which Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"
I got a hair cut for $10
At this rate, its gonna cost me a million dollars to get them all cut.
So Adam was lonely.
God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
The Costume Party
The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old g**... dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"
With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."
A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...
The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"
The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."
"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yep. What's your third question?"
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...
And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs.
"Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
How much does a s**... cost?
I have no idea, I just know they aren't free
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and inoculate for 75 cents a day.
Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
"The total cost would be £3000," said the f**... director.
"And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost?
The Physics major asks: How does it work?
The Engineering major asks: How do you build it?
The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"
"that is a cheap stereotype"
So a college teacher is talking to his male students...
"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."
Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:
"How much for a semester pass?"
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
A young boy wants to buy a tomato...
He approaches the farmer with his few pennies and asks how much that nice, red, juicy tomato would cost. The farmer replies, "35 cents."
Appearing dismayed, the child wanders down the rows of vines and finds a small, green, unappetizing tomato.
"How much for this little one, here?" he timidly asked.
"Hehe. 3 cents" the farmer replied with a chuckle.
"Great!" the boy exclaimed as he handed over his coins. "I'll be back next week to pick it up."
My wife wasn't happy.
True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."
blond joke
A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
At the Creation of Women
God: Adam, it would cost you but would you like me to make you a woman?
Adam: Yes. But what is a woman My Lord?
God: A woman is a wonderful creature that would obey ALL your commands and fufil ALL your desires
Adam: What would it cost me?
God: Only an arm and a leg
Adam: Uh, what can I get for a rib?
Dyslexia cost me my job in IT
Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files
I once sent n**... pictures to everyone in my contacts list. Not only was it embarrassing...
It cost me a fortune in stamps.
Four Majors...
The science major asks "Why does it work?"
The engineering major asks "How does it work?"
The business major asks "How much will it cost?"
The liberal arts major asks "Do you want fries with that?"
Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil
It only cost him a Penny
Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.
God see's Adam feeling depressed, and he decides help him out.
God says, " Adam, I will make you a companion who will cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry and please you in every way you can imagine".
Adam says, "Wow! This sounds great, but what will it cost me?"
God replies,"An arm and a leg".
Adam thinks about this for a second and says, "What can I get for a rib?"
Couple went to Jerusalem...
And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...
TIFU by sending my n**... to everyone in my address book
Cost me a fortune in stamps
A man orders a coffee
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
How much does a dead battery cost?
It's free of charge
My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...
It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a f**......
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's parents?
Just one buck.
I Hadn't been into a s**... shop in a long time.
Blow up dolls cost a lot more than they used to...
I guess that's from all the inflation.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...
And that's just for the alcohol.
Shooting guns is a s**... hobby.
Its much easier and more cost efficient to shoot targets!
What do women and the stock market have in common?
If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.
Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.
Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.
Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"
God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"
How to get free internet @ home
I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are paying for my wifi.
What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common?
Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering.
Which haircut would cost you the most?
Chemotherapy
Girls are evil...
(Saw this about 10 years ago)
If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:
Girls = time × money
But:
time = money
So:
Girls = money x money
Which means:
Girls = money^2
Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So:
Money = sq.root(evil)
And now:
Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2
Which means:
Girls = Evil
Pie rates of the Caribbean joke
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.
But nature is only out a buck.
The cost of dropping your phone on the floor
If you drop your iPhone on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 149$.
If you drop your HTC on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 200$.
If you drop your Nokia on the floor the cost of getting the floor repaired is 2000$.
How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas?
Eight bucks
Nine bucks if the weather is bad.
A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"
"ten dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"
A person with a science degree asks "why does it work?" A person with an engineering degree asks: "how does it work?" A person with an accounting degree asks: "how much does it cost?" A person with an art degree asks:
"do you want fries with that?"
How much does Santa's sleigh cost?
Nothing, it's on the house!
(Thanks grandad for this)
My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."
I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.
It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.
An American man visits the Holy Land...
An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
I'm not saying you are old...
but the candles cost more than your cake.
(I heard this one at a bridge club today)
The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having s**... with me again
so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.
An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel
While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.
A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.
The husband thinks about it for a while and then says to the mortitian that he would like to have her transported home.
The mortitian asks the why he wouldn't let her be buried in Israel when he could save a lot of money!
The husband then says "well I've heard of a guy who died and was buried here many years ago and he came back after three days. I'm not gonna risk that!"
my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid
"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?
Nothing! It's on the house!
I want to make a trivia show for r**... where wrong answers cost them their hair.
I'll call it "Mullet Over."
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students...
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
How much for a season pass?
My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark's parents?
One Buck.
