Correctly Jokes

What are some Correctly jokes?

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

Blonde walks into a...

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13]

A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor with a raspberry in her left nostril, a string bean in her right, a carrot in her right ear and a banana in her left. The woman says

"Doctor, I don't fell so well."

And the doctor replied

"Well for one thing, you're *definitely* not eating correctly."

The only way to spell incorrectly correctly

Is to spell it incorrectly.

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling
confident?"


"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"

"7," I replied.

"You must be an engineer"

A man is flying solo in a hot air balloon and he discovers that he is lost. He lowers altitude until he can see a guy walking through a field.

He says to the guy, "Hey, where am I"?
The guy replies, "You are in a hot air balloon about 8 feet above farmer Jack's field."
The balloon guy says, "You must be an engineer. Because you correctly answered my question but it was completely unhelpful for my situation.
The guy on the ground says, "You are right I am an engineer. And you must be a manager. Because I gave you exactly the information that you asked for and yet somehow I am now to blame for your negligent situation."

Bob is being interviewed for a police officer job...

The captain conducting the interview starts with some general knowledge questions. The captain asks "what is the national animal of America?". Bob correctly answers "bald eagle". The next question "how many states are there in America?". Again Bob answers correctly "50 States". The captain asks the last general knowledge question "who killed Abraham Lincoln?". Bob is stumped by this question and thinks for a long time. He finally says "I don't know". Disappointed that the candidate couldn't answer a simple history question he dismisses Bob saying "you really should go find out". Bob leaves the interview and goes home. His wife asks "how'd the interview go?" Bob replies with a big smile on his face, "Great! I've already been assigned to a murder investigation"

Summer was especially good this year in Canada... If I recall correctly it was a friday

Automated robot car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said; "These are your children sir". In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.

The Wife said; Don't tell me all these are your children ?.

The man asked her calmly; Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?. ...

condoms used correctly

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What s that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

LEGIT :)

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned. Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

I just blew it!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in Maths" I replied.

"O.k then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Trump's next speech and to meet him back stage, followed by dinner with him... What is 2+2 ?"

"767.37" I replied,

Johnny was in school, and asked to go to the bathroom.

His teacher replied, "Not before you recite the alphabet correctly".

Johnny pleaded, "But I have to go really bad!", but his teacher was unrelenting.

Johnny said, "A B C D E F G, H I J K L M N O, Q R S T U V W X Y and Z"

The teacher stated, "What about the P?"

Johnny said, "It's running down my leg".

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

A kid goes up to his father and asks for a bicycle.

His dad says, "If you can spell it out correctly, I'll get you one."

The kid thinks for a bit, then says, "Can I get a car instead?"

Use these four words correctly in a sentence: deduct, defense, defeat, and detail.

Deduct jumped over defense, defeat before detail

Heard this at bible camp some years ago

Three nuns are praying to God one day, and God actually answers back. He says "I'm going to ask each of you a question and if you answer correctly you will go to heaven." So he asks the first nun, "who was the first man on earth?" She thinks for a minute and answers, "Adam." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven. Then he asks the second nun, "who was the first woman on earth?" She thinks for minute and answers, "Eve." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven. Then he asks the third nun, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She thinks and thinks then sighs and says, "ooh, that's a hard one." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven.

The owner of an insane asylum has a problem.

The asylum is getting too overcrowded. He has a talk with one of his employees about how he can eliminate the overcrowding of the building. The employee suggests that he asks all the patients a simple question and if they can answer correctly, they can leave. Hopefully, enough patients will answer correctly so the building isn't as cramped. The question is this:
The employee and the owner will ask the patients what they see when a brick is held in front of them.
The first patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"A car." says the patient.
Unfortunately, he has to stay and get treated.
Another patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"A tree." says the patient.
Unfortunately, this patient also has to stay and get treated.
A third patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"Duh, it's a brick." says the patient.
The owner exclaims, "Excellent! You've passed our test. You are free to go. And here, why don't you take the brick with you as a souvenir?"
"Cool! Thanks!" said the third patient.
As the patient walks from the asylum he looks over his shoulder to check if anyone is there. When he sees no one is there, he looks down at his brick and pets it.
"We did it, Fluffy..."

An English professor wrote these words...

a woman without her man is nothing

On the board and asked his students to punctuate correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote a woman, without her man, is nothing.

However, all of the women wrote, a woman: without her, man is nothing.

So three nuns have passed and are at the pearly gates..

When they arrive, Gabriel is there and says "Each of you must answer a question correctly to enter heaven."

His question to the first nun was "What was the name of the first woman?" and she replies "Eve!" And of course thats right, so on she goes.

His question to the second nun was "Where did Eve live when God created her?" to which she replies "Eden, of course." Another correct answer and on she goes as well.

His third question to the last nun was a bit trickier as she was a nun for the longest. "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" The nun mumbles "Oooh, thats a hard one.."

So in to heaven she went as well.

Discrimination?

A First-grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's great. Tell you what, go to the blackboard, and if you can write the word 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you can write the word 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Leroy what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.

Tell you what, if you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

If I recall correctly, in the mid 1900s, Albert Einstein proposed a new theory on space,

and it was about time, too.

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class...

Saul was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile,
responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but
it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

I have never seen a UFO before...

because I'm always able to correctly identify the flying object

A man brings 3 scientists into a large room...

...a biologist, an engineer, and a physicist. In corner of the room is an elephant, and nothing else. The man tells the scientists "If you can correctly identify this animal, I will give you $50,000". He lets each of the scientists examine the animal, and then separates them.

The man first asks the biologist, "What is this animal?". The biologist responds "That is an African Elephant, *Loxodonta africana*". The biologist takes his $50,000 and leaves.

The man then asks the engineer, "What is this animal?". The engineer responds "That is an elephant, but lets say two elephants to be sure". The engineer takes his $50,000 and leaves.

The man finally asks the physicist, "What is this animal?". The physicist says "Well, let's first assume its a perfect sphere in a vacuum..."

Frontotemporal dementia is no hindrance

My grandma lives in a nursing home cuz she got several kinds of dementia, 99% of the time she stares at something distant and quietly repeats what we've just said to her.

Last time we visited her my mother asked what they had eaten yesterday, when my grandma remembered correctly my mother said "It's great you remember! I can't remember what I had for dinner yesterday."
Without missing a beat my gandma looks my mom straight in the eyes and says "That's how it starts!"

It's the little things that count.

So a guy goes to his dentist...

...to get some a prosthetic plate fitted. Well, a month or so later he goes back. The new plates just don't feel like they are sitting correctly and feel as if they are a little loose. His dentist takes a look and asks, "Have you been eating anything particularly acidic?"

"Well... my wife does make this great Hollandaise sauce and I love it. I have been putting it on everything lately."

The dentist says, "Yep. That's it. You see the lemon juice in that Hollandaise is wearing away at the edges of your plate. But, not a problem, I can replace it with a chrome plate."

"Oh? Would that really be better?"

"Of course! Theres no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Advice for young women:

Men are like linoleum flooring. If you lay it correctly the first time, you can walk all over them for 30 + years.

A man wants to cross a bridge...

...but a knight won't let him unless he answers three questions correctly but with each wrong answer, the knight promises to cut off parts of his body. The man agrees. The first question is incorrect and the knight chops off his arms. Likewise, the second question is incorrect and the legs were sliced off. Lastly, he answers the third one incorrectly and off his head goes when the knight separates it from its torso.

"Shall we have a fourth question?" Asked the knight.

The man replied, "I should quit while I'm a head."

Anyone else here able to spell "condescending narcissist" correctly on the first try?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

The computer was claimed to answer anything correctly.

But the CEO didn't believe it, so he asked "Where's my father right now?". The computer beeped and whirred for a few seconds, and spat out "Your father is fishing in Canada". The CEO joyfully chortled "See, your computer isn't always right, my father died when I was 10 years old!" The computer spat out "Your mothers husband died 25 years ago. Your father just landed an 8 pound trout."

Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confusion. Chaos ensued quickly. The Afghan government had to do something and fast. What it ended up doing was banning all use of tally marks in the country. And that was the origin of the infamous Tally Ban.

A Librarian just got a new job.

On his first day someone asks him where a certain book is. He knows where it should be but can't find it there, in fact none of the books seem to be organized correctly. He goes to the head librarian who finds the book with ease.
He asks the head librarian why all the books are so disorganized. "Well we just fill up empty shelves with new books we get, people seem to like it, I even get compliments sometimes." The librarian accuses him of just not wanting to do work. "It's true! I'm not sure why but people seem to like those who sort by new"

Originally, in The Force Awakens BB-8 had a brother. The robot would not stay on script or say his lines correctly, so he was fired.

It is sad, but you can't really feel bad for DV-8.

Problems of Bein a non-native English speaker

The problem with being a non native English speaker is, that your brain sometimes just sucks up random words and you then use them later without really having a proper intestinal lining of said words. You just hope you used them correctly.

What's the difference between babies and boomerangs?

If you throw a boomerang correctly, it will come back...

Two Laws in the Torah were fulfilled on the same day.

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two landmark laws: "Gay marriage" and The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

'If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.' We just hadn't interpreted it correctly.

I accidentally drove my lake into the car

Even if I said that correctly I'd still sound high

A therapist who couldn't pronounce his R's correctly was recently fired for being a white supremacist.

Because he told his patients that everything was going to be all white .

Just give them another chance!

So... The news reporters decided to end this "Blondes are stupid" myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes.

REPORTER: "We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be forever free from this prejudice!"

1st BLONDE: "Ok, ask me anything."

REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"

1st BLONDE: "Ummm..... 5?"

REPORTER: "Wh... Wrong.."

Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"

REPORTER: "Ok.. Ok..." asks the second blonde

REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"

2nd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 3?"

REPORTER: "NO!"

Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"

REPORTER: "Ok! This is your last chance" asks the third blonde

REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"

3rd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 4?"

Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"


What are some dirty jokes you know?

I was asked to submit some dirty jokes to an ongoing event. The annoucer ask a person a dirty joke and if they guess the answer correctly they're awarded a prize.

An example of a dirty joke they've asked is "What do you call two people 69ing?"

"Odor eaters."

Any dirty jokes are greatly appreciated.

I don't know which child you think I don't treat correctly...

Jake, Thomas or the fat ugly one?

What do a lover and an electric guitar have in common?

You'll get a lot of feedback if you're not fingering them correctly.

Bad at Titles

Teacher: Whoever answers the next question correctly, can go home early!

Student: \*raises hand\*

Teacher: What is it?

Student: It's me raising my hand, and now I can go home. Thanks!

How do you put on a fitted bed sheet correctly the first time?

Step 1: Wrong.

Abusing a word, done correctly

I have eye opening experiences every day, quite literally.

My mother is like cloud storage.

Everyone shares her and i have no idea where she's located.

Ps: I don't know if i phrased everything correctly.

Two men travel by train

The journey is very long as they need to cross several European countries. One of them constantly asks at which country they currently are out of boredom. The other man replies correctly by not even looking outside the window.

How do you do that without looking?

Every country has its very specific climate. It's not that hard. Here, let me show you.

He places his hand outside the window every few hours and replies.

Right now we are going through Germany, because my hand is wet.

Right now we are going through Greece, because my hand feels warm.

Right now we are going through Bulgaria, because … my watch is missing.

Quiz show

I was on a quiz show once and they asked me to come up with a 5-letter palindrome that starts with K.

It's a pity, I was stumped but if I had answered correctly I'd have won a new kayak.

What do you call it when a model can't put leggings on correctly?

Apparently, fat-shaming

An interesting joke

I remember a joke from a stand up show .
If I remember correctly it's from Gabriel Iglesias when he was in Saudi Arabia. The joke goes something like this .

Two Jews walk into a bar . Not in my country hehehe.

I remember this stupid joke from time to time and it cracks me up everytime

Space Joke

What did the engineers say to the crew of astronauts after they discovered they didnt install the rockets correctly....


Guys, we really Apollo-gize

using french words correctly isnt my souffle

came up on twitter by @KevinFarzad. pretty sure its a joke, but i dont get it.

It is near the end of time, and Heaven is getting full...

Three friends who die approach the gate to Heaven.

God: Only those who can answer my questions correctly may enter.

All three friends begin to feel anxious.

God: Who was the first man on Earth?

Friend 1: oh that's easy, Adam.

And so the gates opened and allowed him in.

God: who was the first woman on Earth?

Friend 2: oh that's easy, Eve.

And so the gates opened and allowed him in.

Friend 3 is now feeling more confident seeing as these questions were easy.

God: what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?

Friend 3: ooh... that's a hard one

And so the gates opened and allowed him in.

Two doctors are playing a game of spot diagnosis

They see a man and bet each other 10 pounds if they can guess his diagnosis correctly.

The first doctor says i bet he's got a slipped disc as he's shaking and obviously nervous,

The other doctor says it must be haemorrhoids as he's sweating and uncomfortable

The two doctors go up to the man and state they are playing spot diagnosis, they each tell him their guesses,

The man goes to the first doctor "You thought I had a slipped disc, well you were wrong",

Then the second "You thought I had haemorrhoids, well you were wrong"

Then he's says to both of them "I thought I was going to pass gas, and I was wrong"

For every one person that uses a Male Victorian Name correctly, another sixteen manage to misuse it.

Now that sounds like a pretty Hiratio to me.

I won't lye about being a magician

I can't spell correctly

Ivy Cube Question

Today I got an Ivy Cube, and found out that many people faced the same problem as me. We can solve all but one corner will never orient correctly.

What does Fred Flintstone say when he correctly flips a water bottle?

YO BRA DAB I DO!

My doctor was a prejudice against left handed people. Today he correctly diagnosed me with a disease because I was left handed.

I guess he was right.

[For Programmers] Why wouldn't the web site render correctly?

Because it was an Edge case.

What did the guy say who didn't swollow his food correctly?

Nothing

haha, just choking.

I asked my friend sapper is his job stressful

He said "It's not. You either do everything correctly or it's no longer your problem"

Someone has left a note under my my wipers to let me know that I've positioned my car correctly.

It says "Parking Fine", So that was nice of them.

Star football player Steve was about to be sacked for bad grades . . .

. . . but the team was on a winning streak, and he was badly needed. The head coach pleaded with the college president, and managed to convince him to allow the student to continue to play if he could spell just one word correctly. "Okay, Steve," the coach told him. "It's an easy one. Just spell the name of your favorite drink." "Sure coach. Khaphy."

How many US Navy electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, and three hours. One to write the tags and hang them, one to second check and fix it, and a supervisor to verify the job was done correctly.

Stolen from Navy boyfriend

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