Corpse Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

How many corpses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It must be more than eight, 'cause my basement's still dark.

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

How do you make a human corpse float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.

Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...

.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"

The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."

The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Trump.

Although that isn't really fair to say, since any other corpse would be too.

Do necrophiliacs like anal?

Butt of corpse.

if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

Why was Donkey Kongs corpse smelling?

It was beginning to DK

Some topical jokes for the Brits:

Government cuts bite deep as former prime ministers slashed by 25%.

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Savile? Nothing: they're both dead and fucked miners.

Margaret Thatcher has died peacefully following a stroke at the age of 87. I for one am truly devastated about this... she went peacefully.

It has been announced that Thatcher's corpse will be thrown down one of the pits she closed and a public toilet built on top of it charging £5 a dump. Funds raised are expected to clear the national debt by Friday lunchtime.

What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?

A corpse.

A doctor presents some medical students with a cadaver

A doctor presents some medical students with a corpse. He tells them 'It is important to be comfortable with the cadaver'.

He briefly inserts his finger into the naked corpse's anus. He then licks his finger. He instructs the students to do the same. One by one they reluctantly do the same.

After they are done, the doctor says, 'It is important to watch carefully. I inserted my index finger and licked my ring finger.'

One night, a Police officer knocks on a woman's door...

"Ma'am", he says, removing his hat, "we have bad and good news".

"bad news first" the woman replies.

"I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"

The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?"

"When we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Want one?"

"No way. that's disgusting!" the woman sobbed

"Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow"

Dirty Joke

My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

Two cannibals stumble upon a corpse

They decide to eat the body. One started at the head while the other began with the feet. As they were eating, the face eater asks the other, How's it going?

The foot chewer replies I am having a ball.

Slow down, you're eating too fast 

A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time...

He tells them that it's really important that they familiarize themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do."

He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus, pulls it out and sucks on it.

Then he lines up the students and says "Now your turn."

Obediently, one by one, grimacing as they do, they all in turn, put their fingers in the guys ass and then suck on them.

Once they all complete the task, the surgeon says "It's also important that you learn to be observant. I put my ring finger in his ass and my index finger in my mouth."

How does a corpse write music?

He decomposes.

I should have known the free corpse offer was a scam....

The scheme was a dead giveaway!

What so you call a corpse that won't admit it's own sexuality?

A skeleton in the closet.

A medical Doctor is teaching, and everyone is around a corpse, ready for their first lesson.

"Welcome, class. OK, since this is your first lesson, I have to tell you: The 2 most important things to be a good doctor are: *Dedication* and *Observation*."

Doctor then proceeds to unveil the corpse, a big, fat woman who got shot in the head.

"This is *Dedication*". The doctor proceeds to stick a finger up the fat lady's ass, then licks it.

Everyone is disgusted.

"I suggest you all do the same"

One by one, the students stick a finger up the old, fat corpse, then lick it.

Once they are all done, Doctor comes up and says:

"The second one is *Observation*, I put my index finger in, but I licked my middle finger"

the bear and his list

It's rumored in the forest, that the bear has a deathlist with the names of all animals he's going to kill. All of the animals are worried about that rumor.

The deer decides first to go to the bear's cave and ask him out about his list.
Deer: "Is it true, that you have a deathlist?"
Bear: "Yes, that's true."
Deer: "And is my name on the list?"
Bear: "Yep."

In panic, the deer runs out of the cave and into the woods. The next day the other animals find the deer's corpse in the forest - brutally murdered and without his head.

Then boar also decides to ask out the bear about his list and visits him in his cave.
Boar: "So there's your list..."
Bear: "Yes, that's my list."
Boar: "You know... is my name on it?"
Bear: "Yes, your name is on my list."

Same as the deer, the boar flees in panic and the next day the animals also find the boar's corpse in the forest.

So the rabbit starts to think about the situation. He decides also to visit the bear.
Rabbit: "So, bear, I heard you have a death list."
Bear: "Yes, I have a deathlist."
Rabbit: "And is my name on this list?"
Bear: "Yes, your name is also on my list."
Rabbit: "Okay... is it possible to delete my name from the list?"

The bear just responds: "Sure, no problem."

Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"

"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"

"You know," the other says, gesturing towards the corpse, "because we found Himalayan on the side of the road."

How many corpses does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 3, because it's been a week and my basement is still dark.

Mr. Smith died (Rus. Trans.)

A doctor comes to work one day, and sees one of the nurses crying.
"Why are you crying, Mary?" he asks her.
"Don't you know doctor? Mr. Smith died."
The doctor doesn't know who Mr. Smith is, so he asks the nurse but she just goes on crying.
The doctor, mystified, goes to his office, and on his way sees that all the nurses are crying. He decides to get to the bottom of this and goes to the morgue. A red faced nurse shows him the new corpse with the tag 'Mr. Smith'. The doctor is shocked to see that the dead man has a two foot long dick.
"This has to be saved for science's sake," thinks the doctor. He gets a big glass jar, fills it with preserving liquid, then cuts off the giant penis and puts it into the jar. He then puts the jar into a bag.
When he comes home the same day, he takes out the jar and calls for his wife. "Hey honey, look what I brought today from work." His wife comes into the room, sees the jar, and cries: "OH MY GOD! Did Mr. Smith die?"

The chief of police knocks on a woman's door

"Ma'am", he says, removing his hat:

"we have bad and good news"

"bad news first" the woman replies.

"I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"

The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?"

"When we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Want one?"

"No way. that's disgusting!" the woman sobbed

"Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow"

Things you shouldn't do at a funeral:

The corpse.

What does a rotting corpse say?


Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

If a fish died in the ocean...

...does it become a marine corpse?

Do mummies enjoy being mummies?

Of corpse!

New medical students

A group of doctors in training and their teacher are standing in a circle in the lab around a cadaver. The teacher tells his students:

"it's very important that you feel completely at ease with the corpse", so he puts his finger up the ass of the corpse, takes it out and licks it. "Your turn now" he tells his students.

And they do it, one after another they all put their finger up the ass of the corpse and lick it.

When the last student has done it, the teacher has one final thing to say: "it's also important that you observe carefully what I do. I inserted my index finger and licked my MIDDLE finger. Try to pay attention next time..."

A blonde, brunette, and a red head...

So a blonde, brunette,and a red head are each forced to kill their husbands and dispose of the corpse. They all kill their victim and have the responsibility of disposing of the body so they all throw the body in the trunks of their cars. Now, they each have to drive to the location where they can safely dispose of the body. The red head gets in her car and decides she'll drive in the left lane since that's the fast lane, so she can go fast, get to the location quickly, and dispose of the body. A cop pulls her over for going too fast, she gets a ticket but gets back on her way to get rid of the body, no problem. Brunette gets into her car decides she'll drive in the right lane since that's the lane with slower traffic, to not look suspicious. Cop pulls her over for driving too slow and impeding traffic, gives her a ticket but she continues on her way, no problem. Blonde gets into her car decides to drive in the HOV lane since she never sees anyone there it'll be a smooth ride to the location. Cop pulls her over for driving in the HOV lane with only person. Cop writes her a ticket for that, blonde reads the ticket and says "No, officer, I'm not the only person in the car I have my husband in the trunk.

Made it up myself not the best but I think it is OC

What is the difference between a corpse and a homeless person?

The corpse has a permanent place to stay.

Where's the best place to hide a corpse?

The second page of search results.

What is the best place to hide a corpse?

On the second page of Google

Why did the corpse miss her wedding?

cold feet

What do you call sodium chloride beating someone up with Bruce Lee's corpse?

A salt with a dead Lee weapon

A coroner is giving his students a lecture.

There is a pale corpse laying face down on the table. He tells his students, "In this line of work, you need to be very hands-on, and very observant of everything around you."
The coroner then sticks his finger in the corpses butt-hole, then licks his finger. He tells the students to do the same if they want to pass.
The students first hesitate, then one by one taste the corpses butt-hole.
The coroner than says, "You guys forgot the second rule! I stuck my middle finger in the hole, but licked my index finger."

Samantha got married

Samantha got married. And on the first day of their honeymoon, she and her husband had a fight. After a few hours of screaming and yelling Samantha cries and calls her mother.

Samamtha: "Ma, me and Steve had a fight."

Mother: "Oh, my dear Samantha, don't worry. I too had a fight with your father on our honeymonn."

Samantha: "And what did you do with the corpse?"

What does a corpse and a phone-booth have in common?

I don't need permission to come inside either.

What do you call an attractive primate corpse in Saudi Arabia?

Haram bae

Police investigating the feline corpse discovered in a Zerox machine.....

have said this may be a copy cat killing

Why is the number 288 like a rotten corpse?

It's two gross.

On a hunch, I tried looking for the murderer at the corpse auction.

As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway.

Four guys are sitting in a jail cell, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophile and a masochist

Zoophile: I'd so fuck a kitten right now
Murderer: I'd kill it
Necrophile: I'd fuck the corpse
Masochist: Meow\~

What is it called when 4 men gang rape a corpse?

Having a cold one with the boys.

Do you think corpses are funny?

They are dead serious.

In 1944, a unit of zombie dolphins were deployed by the allies to assist in the invasion of Normandy.

They were named the marine corpse

Did you hear about the patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country?

He joined the Marine Corpse.

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because it saw seven set a hobo on fire and masturbate on his charred corpse.

(Source: Patton Oswalt)

What's the difference between a nurse and a corpse?

None, both of them turn on sick people.

Police baffed by grave robber

Local police were having a hard time catching a grave robber. He figured he would minimize his time in the graveyard by taking the whole corpse so he could take fillings out at his leisure. To hide the evidence he was adopting out the skeletons to worthy goths on Craig's List.

Turns out that was a dead give away.

What's the difference between a shirt and a corpse?

One's a casualty and the other is a casual tee

What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep?


I ran over a child who was on his way to band practice carrying his cymbals. I'll never forget that horrible sound as I rolled past his motionless corpse.

Ba dum tiss

What do you call a person who loves having sex with a black corpse.

A Negrophiliac.

A corpse walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender for a lemonade.

"Of course!" says the bartender, "I've never seen a stiff drink!"

Courtesy of the video game Fable 3.

My wife and I are doing role reversal to spice up our sex life...

She's going to be the aggressor, and I'm going to lay there like a corpse.

What's the best part of dating a coroner?

I don't have to decide between a warm body or the smell of corpse.

What are the funniest corpse jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Corpse? Well, here are the best Corpse puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Corpse pick up lines to share with friends.

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