Cork Jokes

Following is our collection of wee puns and limerick one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cork jokes for adults, dirty shamus jokes and clean ireland dad gags for kids.

The Best Cork Puns

How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle?

I don't know, ask a Falcons fan

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

Murphy and Seamus

Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.

Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!

Irish Joke

Paddy walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
Paddy replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".

Billy asks his mate Paddy what is quickest way from Dublin to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you going on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.


A man and woman in bed

"Give me some", man begs.

"No. You've had too much," wife responds.

"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.

"I'm tired of this. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.

Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, grabs a bottle of champagne. He fiddles with the cork and it pops out with a bang.

From the kid's room, an accusing voice comes

"Mom, you shoulda given dad some. See, now he went and shot himself."

SpaceX won't be drinking Champagne tonight.

Every time they pop the cork it ends up back where it started...

A short true tale about Ireland, quiz-shows and Hitler

Decades ago when I lived on the rocky coast of West Cork, there was a quiz show called "Quicksilver". It had a top prize of something like $1.25 (perhaps a bit more), and the contestants were just average people. In one show the contestant was asked for Hitler's first name. He thought about, smiled and said "Heil" He did not win his $1.25 but almost everyone in Ireland remembers the tale.

The Quickest Way

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, Are you on foot or in the car?

Billy says, In the car.

Paddy says, That's the quickest way.

Did you know that corks come from trees?

Son-"Hey dad, did you know that corks come from trees?
Dad- "No son, Quarks come from particle accelerators"

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."


I like my women like I like my wine...

Opened up with a cork screw and shared around with my whole family

Two Kerry men driving through Cork

One fella says "That's where Michael Collins died"
The other fella "Tis a bad bend aright"

Robert Hooke was alone in his room and I heard weird noises.

Guess he was playing with his's cork.

I'm trying to get into my Christmas spirit..

but the cork is stuck.

I was stuck in traffic while on the road in Ireland...

Cork was in a bottleneck.

Cork man drowns in Lake Garda, Ireland

His name was BOB

Something to get your favorite entomologist in the mood

"Baby, I'm gonna pin you down and spread your legs like you're a beetle on a cork board."

There is an abundance of monkey jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 18 funniest jokes and cork puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any dublin witze you can hear about cork.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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