As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
You have my Word.
You have my Word.
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
"Copy that"
I will track you down, you have my word.
The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.
Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.
Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.
and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
Boy: whats between moms legs?
father: paradise
Boy: whats between your legs?
Father: the key to the paradise
Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.
Dad: ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)
Sticky notes.
What did he get from his publisher?
A hard copy.
They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former refugee from syria.
Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!
And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: "My house is worth more than yours."
"How can that be? We both live next to each other!"
"Yes"
"Our houses were built identically, with the same materials."
"True."
"So how can it be, Ahmad?"
"Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a refugee!"
...unfortunately, it wouldn't fit inside her.
Salesman - Hello. Would you like to buy a book titled '500 Excuses to Tell Your Wife After Staying Out Late'?
Woman - Why on earth would I buy a book like that?
Salesman - Because I sold a copy to your husband earlier today.
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. he notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So the new monk goes to the head monk and asks him about this. He points out that if there'd been an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says: 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' So he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
hours later, nobody has seen him. So one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. he asks what's wrong.
'The world is "celebrate"!' says the old monk.
An ice Kareem clone
I was sitting in a small café around the corner this morning, reading a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, when the waitress came up to take my order.
"I'll have a coffee with no cream," I said.
"I'm sorry, sir," she said. "We're all out of cream. Can I give it to you with no milk instead?"
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is *celebrate*, not *celibate!*," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the **R**!
We missed the **R**!
*We missed the* **R***!'*
His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEB**R**ATE !!!'
. . . if he is copying copies of copies of copies of copies, might errors have crept in somewhere. So he asks the abbot, who concedes the point, and descends to the manuscript repository to find the earliest copy of the MS in question.
The novice waits patiently, but the abbot is gone an awfully long time. Finally he ventures in to see what is amiss. There, in the distance, is the abbot. He is moaning to himself, beating his head against a pillar and repeating to himself,
"I cant believe it....the word was celebrate, the word was celebrate...."
Dragon drop
You have my Word!
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
Some Spanish guy named "Manual"... A copy of his autobiography, printed in multiple languages, comes free with every electronic device or machinery... although much of his life story is lost in translation.
He told me to know my limits
I will find you; you have my Word. You've taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?
\- Me
She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.
I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the first time she ever screamed and fainted.
When I'd finished, it said, "Saved."
A group of monks are working in the Scriptorium when they realize there might be an error in the text they're copying. After a long debate over what they should do, the Abbot decides to go find the oldest copy they have. He takes quite a while to come back so the other monks decide to go check up on him. They find him in the back corner of the archives, clutching a tattered book and weeping. One of the monks runs to him and asks what was the matter. The Abbot replies "It says celebrate! CELEBRATE!"
Picked up a new copy and flipped through it to find a word I knew disappeared.
The next thing I found was disappointing
When he saw the exam of Joe, a student he hated, he gave him 0% without even reading his exam and wrote at the bottom:
"Stupid! Dumbass!"
When Joe received his copy, he was so shocked he went straight to the teacher's office and said:
"Sir, you didn't even read my exam. All I see is a 0% with your name and signature at the bottom."
**How to install a southern home security system**
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. Leave a note on the door that reads:
Bubba,
Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don't mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked 'em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back.
-Cooter
I couldn't find it. So I complained to the librarian.
They Replied "Ah that's cause it's in a different position every week"
So a novice monk is copying texts in a monastery. As he diligently works, get get's to thinking, "Hmm, if I just copy my master's work, and he just copied his master's work, and his master just copied them from his master, and so on, then what if there was a mistake? Wouldn't the mistake just be propagated with each new apprentice?" Finally, this thought gets to be too much, so he goes to the Abbot of the monastery. After tell the Abbot what he thinks, the Abbot says, "Wow, that's quite a weight on your mind. Let me go check the archives so I can prove that there is no mistake." The monk doesn't see the abbot again for several hours, but when he does, the Abbot rushes up and shouts, "Ahhh! We've made a horrible mistake!" "What is it?!" replied the monk. "There is a word changed," said the Abbot, "it's supposed to say 'celebrate!'"
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don't you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
What? Why?
"It's all over the Bible, dearest."
"The Bible says nothing about who's supposed to be brewing coffee!"
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."
... I just can't seem to fit it inside her. Shouldn't have gotten the hardcover version I guess.
Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper
No, sir. It's the same dog.
In 1996, after Pravda ceased publication, a Russian man goes to a newspaper vendor.
Man: Give me a copy of Pravda, please.
Vendor: I'm sorry. Pravda has shut down. It's no longer available.
The man nods and leaves. A few minutes later he returns.
Man: I want to buy a copy of Pravda.
Vendor: I told you. It's no longer published.
Man goes away.
Ten minutes longer he returns and again asks for a copy of Pravda.
Vendor: Mister, are you hard of hearing or stupid? I told you twice that this newspaper has ceased publication! Now get lost!
Man: I'm neither stupid nor hard of hearing. The fact is, I'm so happy to hear that there's no Pravda now that I want to hear it again and again, and again!
A copy of everything Michelle Obama had on her list
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner: pizza or tacos .
They picked pizza.
So I made steamed broccoli because that's what we get after we are done voting.
(Blatant copy from another joke)
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.
Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...
President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!
Assistant to the President: Sir ...
President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie?
Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir.
President: Rick?
Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
#10
Why does a tiger tell the truth?
Because he isn't a lion.
#9
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?
None! They were copy cats!
#8
Why did the cat run from the tree?
Because it was afraid of the bark!
#7
What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A spelling bee!
#6
What is a cat's favorite TV show?
The evening mews!
#5
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens!
#4
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
Because he's always spotted.
#3
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.
#2
What happened when the cat went to the flea circus?
He stole the whole show!
#1
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat?
A big, furry creature that purrs while it sits on you
Marxeting
A pun is a play on words, while Cliff's notes are a word on plays
I will find you. I will get it back.
You have my Word.
'We have two test tubes here,' said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. 'They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa. If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?'
'Could you possibly give us a demonstration?' asked an awed member of the audience.
'I'm sorry, not tonight,' said the professor, 'Solution A has a headache!'
It includes such classics as If you're happy and you know it……SHIT!
He'd hold it up, and in an excited, but serious voice, he'd say "This has to be some sort of record! She made the cover *AGAIN!*
Because he refused to rent someone a copy of the Pixar flick "Up".
But they were all booked
It was just some Mexican guy fighting a priest!
I disagree. I recently purchased a copy of the black keys newest album from a guy on the street. The quality of their #1 hit "Pyrite on the Ceiling" was superb.
The interviewer decides to test his knowledge of mixing light vs. Mixing pigments by asking him to use green, pink, and yellow in the same sentence about his job.
He says "When the phone goes 'green green', I pink it up and say 'Yellow?'"
One day, he went to hear a speech, and the speaker said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!". The audience was shocked. The speaker then said the punchline, "and that woman was my mother!" and he got a lot of laughs.
The preacher decided to copy that joke at the beginning of his sermon. So he said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!". Unfortunately, he forgot the punchline. So he finished with, "and sadly, I don't remember who she was!".
Every time they miss a period, they get really nervous.
When I was looking at the Middle East, I noticed that the countries were improperly named. I thought, maybe its a cheap copy of the brand and not actually from that brand?
So I went up to the shopkeeper, pointed at the improperly named countries in the middle east, and said "Is this fake?"
The shopkeeper replied by saying "No, no, Israel."
A man walks into blockbuster, has a look around and goes to the front desk.
"excuse me sir, can I have a copy of Batman forever?"
Clerk responds: "Sorry guy, I'm gonna need it back tomorrow night".
have said this may be a copy cat killing
Mine keeps correcting into weird things. Like changing "my" into "me", "money" into "gold pieces" and the letter x into "here be treasure". It's a pirate copy.
It's an Illegal Alien.
I wrote that.
Did you hear about the scientist who successfully made an exact copy of himself?
Unfortunately it was very foul mouthed and crude, and the scientist grew tired of it, and finally got rid of it by pushing it off a cliff.
He was later arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice."
So I decided to teach my kitten to write. You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily. Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)
Worker one: why does jerry the maintenance guy always do jazz hands after hes finished looking inside the copy machine?
Worker two: is part of his routine maintenance
(I wanted to do this joke as a picture but im lazy and bad at drawing, also sorry for the bad joke)
Consequently my copy of Tusk is completely shagged out.
So today I was at work (on the checkouts at a supermarket) and somebody comes along saying: "only a news-paper for me today" as she slaps down a copy of the Sun. I reply, "so where's your news-paper then?"
A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father "Well son, now that you've got kids of your own, I think it's time I give you this"
"Dad you don't mean..."
"Yes son, I do" Dad pulls out a copy of 1001 dad jokes, 5th edition "Dad I'm honoured...", he says, tears sparkling in his eyes. "Hi honoured", replies his father, "I'm dad".
I asked him if he could burn me a copy.
Here's a copy of my diary!
Until I can find a copy of the original POMPE... I hate watching sequels first.
Clerk: What can I do for you?
Customer: I'd like a copy of Donald Trump's new book about immigration reform.
Clerk: Get the f-ck out of this place and don't come back, you c-nt!
customer: Yes, that one.
All I got was copy pasta
If I made a perfect copy of myself and then threw him naked off of the top of a tall building, would it be murder, suicide or making an obscene clone fall?
A copy cat.
I guess you could say they made copy and pasta.
The same
You know, as a Tolkien of my appreciation.
We have collected gags and puns about Copy to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Copy? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Copy pick up lines to share with friends.