Cops Jokes
146 cops jokes and hilarious cops puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cops that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking to add some hilarity to your day? Check out the ultimate collection of hilarious cop jokes. From firefighter vs cop jokes to the classic cops and donuts, get ready to laugh and enjoy some of the funniest stories you'll ever hear. Don't forget the cops vs fireman jokes, as well as insightful jokes about burglars and robbers. So, get ready to get your giggle on and read some funny cop jokes!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Cops Short Jokes
Short cops jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cops humour may include short policeman jokes also.
- A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present? - The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
- I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING" - A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
miner: mine - I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow. The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
- If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals.. Left and right
- Xbox and PlayStation are having a fight... Then the cops show up: "Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U..."
- Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car - A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police: - Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now. - The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm... Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...
Share These Cops Jokes With Friends
Cops One Liners
Which cops one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cops? I can suggest the ones about traffic cop and bad cop.
- How can you tell good cops from bad cops? Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
- When cops arrest a clinically insane person... ...are they busting a nut?
- Why does Batman leave his lower face visible? So cops can see that he's white
- I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today... Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
- The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on
- Cop asks a guy..how high are you? Guy: no officer, it's hi, how are you.
- What kind of sweater do cops wear? A pullover.
- Why is a cop like a box of chocolates? They'll kill your dog.
- I was arrested for being awake too long The cops said i was resisting a rest
- What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed? An under cover cop.
- What does a cop and a dj have in common They both tell drunk people to put their hands up
- What's the difference between a computer and a cop? One has troubleshooting
- What's a cop's favorite game console? A Wii U
- My humor is so dark That the cops are even beating it
- Cop: are you high? Me: am I what? Cop: high Me: hello
Cops And Donuts Jokes
Here is a list of funny cops and donuts jokes and even better cops and donuts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I was doing donuts in my car.. And a cop pulls me over. Now I know what you're thinking, who names their dog Donuts?
- Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical m**... store I'll call it glazed and confused
- A cop pulled a man over and said, sir, your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking? The man replied, officer, your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?
- What not to say to a cop If you get pulled over and the cop says "Your eyes look glazed over It is not wise to say "like your donuts?"
- A cop asked me why I was driving so fast "Helping you pay for donuts" was not the right answer
- What do you call a cop morning mystery? Who donut?
- What's the only place that has 24 hour protection from the cops? A donut shop
- Friend of mine was shot at the bakery today, he is expected to make a full recovery. They say he was lucky it just glazed him, donut who did it but the cops are there.
- One Thing to Know About Danish Cops They Can't Lego Of Their Donuts
- What does a Boston cop say when you ask if he remembers his last desert? "I do-nut."
Cops And Robbers Jokes
Here is a list of funny cops and robbers jokes and even better cops and robbers puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats? It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.
- So i just saw a bank robber jump down some stairs while yelling about how terrible the cops were guess you could say he was condescending
- What's the difference between an unarmed black man and an armed robber on the run? How should I know, I'm just a cop!
- When I was a kid, I played Cops and Robbers with my black friend. After I got cuffed, I was beaten with a baseball bat, shot with a NERF gun, and then he put a knife in my hand.
- What do you call a cop chasing a clothing store robber? Pursuit
- Cops are looking for a fat bank robber. He's still at large.
- I saw some children playing cops and robbers When I tried to tell them it used to be played cops or robbers, they laughed at me and went back to robbing the one playing the citizen.
- Name a famous robber! Cops!
Charming Humor Cops Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about cops you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean police man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cops pranks.
My car got stolen yesterday !!
I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.
Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...
The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.
After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and kicks the first potatoe's bag, with the asian girl inside...
The asian girl, quickly respond the kick with barking noises: ruff ruff
"Oh... These are just a few dogs!", says the cop.
He then approaches to the second potatoe's bag, with the redhead inside, and kicks it as well.
"Meow... Meow", the redhead answers.
"Oh... These are just a few cats!", says the cop.
Finally, he gets close to the third potatoe's bag, with the blondie inside, and kicks it too.
The voice inside the bags respond:
"Potatoes".
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
How many cops does it take to beat up a light bulb?
None. That light bulb fell down the stairs.
Daylight robbery...
I got robbed today at Shell gas station.
I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it.
I said, "Yeah, pump 6."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That half man, half horse...
Did you hear about the half man, half horse causing a ruckus downtown last night? He was k**... over trash cans, yelling at people, just going crazy. The cops finally showed up, calmed him down, and asked "Why are you doing this?" Apparently he wanted to be the centaur of attention.
How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb?
11. One chief of police to oversee it, and 10 cops to beat the lightbulb until it wants to change.
They say I have the legs of a dancer..
but until they find the rest of the body the cops have got nothing on me man!
Cops come to house to report my dogs.
The cops came to my house and said "We received a couple of calls saying that your dogs are chasing people on bikes."
I replied "Well that's a lie, my dogs don't have bikes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wrong queue !
This girl was a p**..., but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and s**...'em dry."
Police humors
Someone cut a hole in the nudist camp fence. The police are looking into it.
Someone stole the toilet from the police headquarters. The cops have nothing to go on.
So a sloth got robbed by 3 turtles...
When the cops asked him what happened the sloth said,
It. all. happened. so. fast.
A lawyer was in his BMW...
...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.
Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.
Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.
Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?
(OC) What do the cops do when they get a fly infestation?
Call in the swat team!
A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...
"May I see your License Ma'am?"
"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"
Did you hear about the string of bank robberies committed by a guy dressed up like Jesus?
The cops finally nailed him.
Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?
Because he was always in a cent.
Zoo
Two policeman on patrol see a man walking with a Gorilla. Of course, they stop to inquire. They ask, "So Buddy, what's up with the Gorilla?" The man replies, "I'm taking to the Zoo." Cops say "OK" be on your way. A day later the cops see the same man and gorilla....They stop. "Sir" the officer directs. "We saw you yesterday and thought you were taking him to the Zoo?" "I did", the man replies, "But today, I'm taking him to the movies."
Have you ever noticed the lack of trigger discipline cops have in movies?
It's so realistic.
I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook
So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank.
Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head just robbed a bank.
They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in.
The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head's bag. "Woof woof !" Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it's just the farmer's dog.
The cops shake the brunette's bag. "Meow!" Says the brunette. So the cops move on.
The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells "potatoes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and h**... are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?
A black guy
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called the cops about a m**... on my front lawn and they just hung up.
They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
What is the biggest obstacle in getting rich quickly?
Cops
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't. They just beat up the room for being dark and arrest the light for being broke.
I have a Pakistani girl friend.
Last night she said that she wanted to blow me. Now I wasn't sure if I should lower my pants or call the cops.
A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.
The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"
And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."
Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"
The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.
"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.
The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."
Drive through counter was being robbed...
While she was held at gunpoint, a cop car shows up at the counter.
Cops : Can we have 2 burgers.
Lady : give the burgers casually and passes a note that says "we have two armed men inside"
Cops : *reads the note* ofcourse they are two armed, how can one armed men make burgers O__o
Moscow cops
Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes?
One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals".
You scream, I scream....
The cops come, its awkward.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two p**... in a moving truck...
...come to an overpass with a sign on it that reads "CLEARANCE-10' 6." The truck is 11 feet high.
The p**... in the passenger's seat looks carefully right, then left, then right again.
"I say we go for it. There ain't no cops around."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't understand why people are so upset about Harambe
I mean, gorillas get shot by white cops all the time.
When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,
So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops
Did you hear about the guy who got pulled over?
The cops received a warrant and were able to search his car and they opened the glove box and ended up finding sodium chloride and a nine volt...
He got charged with assault and battery
I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...
And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.
What do you call a Mexican man who escapes the cops?
The Juan that got away.
What's the difference between the cops and the IRS?
Nobody has ever said "Thank god, the IRS is here."
Why do cops love going to Black Friday early?
So they can beat the crowd
My neighbors called the cops on me, but when the police came to my house all they found was my collection of string instruments.
I got charged with domestic violins.
Why is stealing toilets from the police station the perfect crime?
Because the cops have nothing to go on.
Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning?
Because he was waving a firearm.
If the cops were asked to rate a GTA game...
They'd give it 5 stars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask...
...the cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.
A group of people were hospitalised after a calculus midterm.
The cops said they were drinking and deriving.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...
They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.
I always wondered what would happen if I ran from the cops
I was stunned when I tried it.
I once tried to walk a mile in another man's shoes
Cops got me before I could get to the end of it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do cops and sneakers have in common?
They make black people run faster!
My dad said that I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Now I am wanted by the cops for identity theft.
I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun
The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.
I told my son if he didn't take a nap I would have the cops put him in jail. . .
For resisting a rest.
If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..
I'd have 5 cents.
She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.
Race for mobile phone.
Person 1 : Hey nice mobile phone. How much you bought it for?
Person 2: I won it in a race.
Person 1: Race? What kind of race? How many people were running?
Person 2: Well, the mobile shop owner, 3 cops and I.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police Station Intelligence Test
Apologies if this has been posted before \(I searched, albeit not a lot\). My physics teacher in college told me this one:
They gave a basic intelligence test at the local police station. The kind where you have to stick the geometric shapes in the corresponding holes.
It turns out we have two kinds of cops: Very s**... ones and very strong ones.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having s**... with a laundry machine.
Nut screws washer and bolts.
Why do cops hate insomniacs?
Because they are always resisting a rest
It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.
"It was pump #5," I replied.
[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many cops does it need to change a broken light bulb?
No idea, but they beat up the room for being black and the bulb for being broke
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was m**... and I shot the dog."
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform
I thought it was a bit odd.
Then I realized he was one of those "plane clothes cops."
The cops in my town are looking for a racist attacker, so I called them up.
Apparently it wasn't a job interview.
A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.
The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cops raided my home and found some m**... shrubs in my greenhouse. They asked me how it got there
I told them they were clearly planted there
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents...
Q: how many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none. They just shoot the room for being too dark.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted m**....
Why do cops hate sick birds?
Because they're ill eagles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Belarusian joke
A guy is walking down the street in Minsk, the capital of Belarus very close to the protests when suddenly a police car full of cops pulls up. The cops jump out of the car and start beating up the guy.
The poor guy then yells: "No, please, stop! I voted for Lukashenko!"
One of the cops then responds: "Shut up, liar! No one voted for Lukashenko!"
