Fun-Filled Cop Jokes to Boost Your Mood
A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?
I got pulled over by a female cop...
When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.
Blonde gets caught speeding.
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway
COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: mine
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.
The blond asks, What's that?
The blond cop replies, It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it.
The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.
The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, I'm sorry mam. If I knew you were an officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over.
I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.
The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
Uvalde citizen gets pulled over
A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have b**...."
I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.
The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.
I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.
He didn't laugh.
My brother was murdered today
cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.
me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.
cop: you're sure?
me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.
You can explore cop policeman reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cop officer dad jokes. There are also cop puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"
The miner replied, "Mine."
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a copβ¦
My wife put on a s**... cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.
After a short trial, I was found not guilty.
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Cop on Patrol
A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover's lane.
He knocks on the window, when it's rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.
The cop says What's going on here?
The guy says, nothing at all officer.
Cop says Let's see some ID, how old are you? The guy hands the cop his license and says he's 27.
The cop says, And her, how old is she?
The guy looks at his watch and says
She will be 18 in exactly 9 minutes.
Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
A cop stopped a guy for speeding...
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Two priests are out driving one day..
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness
A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.
The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, he says, Why do you have all those knives?
They're for my juggling act, the circus performer replies.
I don't believe you, says the cop. Prove it. So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow, says one to the other. I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.
Did Santa get you that?
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...
But I guess I'll take a shot at it.
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, a**...!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.
He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."
If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..
Left and right
Cop pulls over bad driver
Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:
- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.
COP: Where were you the night of the m**...?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: β¦I want a lawyer
A cop stopped a guy for speedingβ¦
Cop said: Do you know how fast you were going?
The guy replied: I was trying to keep up with traffic
The cop said: But there is no traffic
And the guy answered: That's how far behind I am
Cop: So I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You're going to feel really s**... when you look in my trunk.
The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm...
Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
A man gets pulled over by a female cop.
He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."
A blond cop pulled over a blond and asked for ID
The blond said, What's ID?
The blond cop said, It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it.
The blond gave her compact mirror to the blond cop, who said, I'm sorry. If I knew you were a cop, I would not have pulled you over.
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and saysβ
Alright officer, we'll do it
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
β
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...ο»Ώ
A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.
He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales d**...." So I ask again 'are you two whales from Ireland?' And thats about all I can remember."
A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she's pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver's license.
Driver's license? the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse, the blonde cop explains patiently.
Oh, that! the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, you're free to goβ¦I didn't realize you were a cop!
A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?
The bystander with the camera.
I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today...
Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d\*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Officer, you can't give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.
Cop: That's not how you play the race card.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
Cop asks a guy..how high are you?
Guy: no officer, it's hi, how are you.
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Cop: I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia
Man: Wait I can explain everything
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license.
.
The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it."
"Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over.
The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Cop: You're driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I'm English
Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It's the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
*cop pulls over a driver*
Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.
I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now
We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
A cop pulls over a miner and asks
"Sir, whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do as a profession?"
And the miner replies "Mine."
What do you call a cop who gets convicted of m**...?
A good start.
Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!
Cop: Stop playing the race card!
The kid runs up to a policeman
"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"
A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over
"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."
"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"
The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.
"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."
*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.
So a cop knocked on my door this morning.
He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'
I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'
My wife put on a s**... cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.
After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.
A drunk guy walks out of a bar
There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?"
The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?"
Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar.
As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!"
Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"
I asked the cop, Why are you crying as you are writing me a ticket?
Cop: It's a moving violation.
An identity thief and a r**... get convicted in a poor town...
The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the r**... in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."
Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick
Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.
Why is a cop like a box of chocolates?
They'll kill your dog.
I got pulled over in the carpool lane.
Cop: Where's your passenger?
Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.
Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops
The cop asks Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg replies No, but I know where I am.
A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.
I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."
I got pulled over for speeding in my Prius
The cop didn't give me a ticket. He just wanted to know how I did it.
A cop pulled over a spanish photon...
The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The photon said, "c."
Cop joke.
So I'm an ER RN and we love to joke around. Had two cops in with a patient. I deadpanned I heard there's been ppl stealing tires off (local) cop carsβ¦. The one cop says I haven't heard anything about this .
So⦠I said I've heard the police are tirelessly investigating it.
First cop high fives me. I say dad joke! Second cop pouts.
Lol.
"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking w**...?"
"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"
I was flirting with this teenager on the internet...
...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.
How cool is that for someone her age?
