The Best 74 Cop Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cop jokes. There are some cop patrolman jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cop detective puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cop Jokes and Puns

A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"

Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

We'll do it.

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: Let me see your driver's license.

Driver: What's that?

Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,

I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.

(


A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway

COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: mine

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.

I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.

He didn't laugh.

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."

So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

You can explore cop policeman reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cop officer dad jokes. There are also cop puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.

He said, "There is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

"Alright officer, we'll do it"

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

An old couple gets pulled over and...

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."


Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a

car...



... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them.

Ohm resists.

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.

"What are you up to here, son?"

"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."

"And what's she doing back there?"

"I think she's playing a game on her phone."

"Have you been drinking tonight?"

"No, sir. I'm only twenty."

"And how old is she?"

The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?

Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af

Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?

CROW: I was with a group of friends

COP: What would you call that group?

CROW: …I want a lawyer

A cop stopped a guy for speeding…

Cop said: Do you know how fast you were going?

The guy replied: I was trying to keep up with traffic

The cop said: But there is no traffic

And the guy answered: That's how far behind I am

The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm...

Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

A man gets pulled over by a female cop.

He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and saysβ€”

Alright officer, we'll do it

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"



(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.

A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...ο»Ώ

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?

The bystander with the camera.

I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today...

Looks like he was trying to bust a move.

Two guys get pulled over...

Two guys in a car get pulled over. The cop walks up to the window and says "We're looking for 2 pedophiles". The car window goes up then after a few seconds comes back down.
The driver gives a sigh. "Alright, we'll do it"

Officer, you can't give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.

Cop: That's not how you play the race card.

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Cop: I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia

Man: Wait I can explain everything

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license.

.
The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it."

"Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

*cop pulls over a driver*

Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

A cop pulls over a miner and asks

"Sir, whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do as a profession?"

And the miner replies "Mine."

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over

"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."

"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"

The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.

"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."

*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.

Two catholic priests get into a traffic check...

The cop says "We are looking for two pedophiles".
The priest rolls up the window and starts furiously arguing with the other priest. After a couple of minutes, he rolls down the window again: "We'd be up for it".

2 Priests stop at a random police checkpoint in the middle of the road...

A police officer tells the driver "We're looking for 2 pedophiles."

The driver says "Just one minute", rolls his window up, and starts arguing intensely with the other priest in the passenger seat.

He rolls his window back down, looks up at the cop and says "Ya, we'd be up for it!"

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

A drunk guy walks out of a bar

There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?"
The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?"
Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar.
As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!"
Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick

Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.

Why is a cop like a box of chocolates?

They'll kill your dog.

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?

Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

A cop pulled over a spanish photon...

The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The photon said, "c."

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I was flirting with this teenager on the internet...

...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How cool is that for someone her age?

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That's why I'm a cop.

I used to work as a bed salesman

One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:

"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"

The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."

The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"

The professor responds: "My wife."

So I was doing donuts in my car..

And a cop pulls me over. Now I know what you're thinking, who names their dog Donuts?

Me: It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up.

Cop: That's not how sobriety tests work.

A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"

The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

A police officer pulls a guy over.....

and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?

A drunk is walking around downtown...

When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."

Two priests in a car...

... as a cop pulls them over.
"Sir, we are looking for two child molesters..."
The priests look at each other and after a short moment the driver says:
"Okay, we'll do it"

A cop pulls over a speeder

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.

"130 km/h" the man answers

"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.

"I was keeping up with traffic!"

The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"

"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"

A pig with wings walks into a bar. Stunned, the bartender says

"You can't bring food in here from another restaurant! Even if you are a cop!"

A car is pulled over by the police....

"Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: You were swerving a lot back there
"Well I had 8 beers officer,"
Cop: We'll that's no excuse to let your wife drive

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."

An Australian takes a vacation in america...

He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.

He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"

The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."

The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"

"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cop patrol jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cop policemen piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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