Cooking Jokes
161 cooking jokes and hilarious cooking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cooking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out this article for some humorous jokes about cooking that will have you in stitches! From jokes about cooking oil and pots to the art of cooking flirting, this article will make you chuckle. Whether you're a gourmet chef or just an occasional cook, this article's got a joke for you!
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Funniest Cooking Short Jokes
Short cooking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cooking humour may include short baking jokes also.
- Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan Son: Dad you were a cook.
Dad:Never said I was a good one - What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
- What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil? M'Ladle
*tips fedora*
Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook. - I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved. ......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!
- Why did Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson's family get tested for COVID-19 They couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.
- "Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
- Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.
- Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook. - Never literally taking cooking instructions… It said chill in the fridge for an hour
I nearly died - My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
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Cooking One Liners
Which cooking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cooking? I can suggest the ones about frying and cooker.
- French fries weren't cooked in France. They were cooked in Greece.
- My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
- Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.. I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
- I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!
- In Japan, what do you say to your mom when she cooks for you? I love umami !!
- The first french fries were not cooked on France. They were cooked in Greece.
- Who cooks in a lesbian relationship? None they both eat out.
- I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.
- Why are Subway cooks called "Sandwich Artists"? Even art majors deserve recognition
- Why can't you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump? Apples and oranges.
- Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal? No Mark, my wife is a good cook.
- Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food? Because they prefer ramen.
- My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr'.
- If your girl can cook Chinese marry her because Schezwan of a kind.
- I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes It was a whisk I was willing to take
Wife Cooking Jokes
Here is a list of funny wife cooking jokes and even better wife cooking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus". Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".
- My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry. We are maid for each other.
- My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice. I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.
- I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain. Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.
- My wife has to be the worst cook ever. In my house we pray after we eat.
- My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.
- My wife wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.. .. so I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.
- My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes. So she told me to take a thyme out.
- My wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
- My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Kitchen Cooking Jokes
Here is a list of funny kitchen cooking jokes and even better kitchen cooking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my... Rameses kitchen nightmares.
- I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him I asked him Are you the friar?
He replied No, I'm the chip monk... - A chef lost one of his legs in a kitchen accident... ... now all he cooks is Lean Cuisine.
- At my restaurant job, everyone who works in the kitchen is also a musician. The dishwasher plays guitar OK, but the prep cook shreds on the mandoline.
- My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.
- My roommate dissed my cooking and walked out of the kitchen. So I threw a spice jar at the back of his head.
He never saw that cumin. - My Wife's cooking is so bad If you left Dental Floss in the kitchen
The Roaches would hang themselves! - My wife was in the kitchen cooking the traditional meal for today and asked… Do you want anymore pancake?
I said no and don't call me pancake. - What did the sauce cook text to the hot girl working in his kitchen? Send noodles.
- The kitchen staff really helps to make the wife cook meals quicker...
Women Cooking Jokes
Here is a list of funny women cooking jokes and even better women cooking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook. But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.
- A very common male fantasy, is to have two women at the same time... one to cook, one to clean
- Why did God invent women? Because sheep can't cook.
- Women are good for 70 things Cooking and 69
- Why are men better cooks than women? Because with a sausage, a couple of eggs, and some cream, a man can keep a woman full for 9 months.
- The average women.. The average women reads 18 books a year. The average man reads 12.
It's really not a fair comparison though....Cook books are shorter. - According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there's one thing women love, it's a man who can lie.
- Women are so ungrateful... When I cook dinner for a woman, hearing "who are you" and "how did you get in my house" is so unnecessary.
- While cooking breakfast this morning, my dad randomly said this: I like my women like I like my pancakes… Hot, thick, and stacked!
- A very common male fantasy is to have 2 women at the same time One to cook, one to clean..
Ok ban me but joke is funny.
Bad Cooking Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad cooking jokes and even better bad cooking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Yo momma cooks so bad... The flys all chipped in and fixed the screen door.
>we're here all night, don't forget to tip your waiter!! - I'm not saying I'm a bad cook. But how long does pasta stay in the toaster?
- What do you call a badly cooked piece of meat? A misteak
- Saying Grace My wife's cooking is so bad we pray after the meal
- Why was the surfer such a bad cook? All he could handle was the microwave
- I cooked dinner last night. It was gumbo I made with only sausage and okra. It wasn't good or bad .
It was meaty okra. - Why are psychic bad chefs? They cook everything medium rare.
- My wife's cooking is so bad... She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
- Why is Nixon a bad chef? Because he is not a cook.
- My wife's cooking is so bad.... We pray to God after the meal
Cooking Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny cooking oil jokes and even better cooking oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- American intervention is kind of like my cooking... It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.
- Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.
- A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil. It turned into a Chris Pratt
- How much olive oil does Snoop Dogg use to cook? A drizzle.
- What do cannibals use to cook their food? Baby oil!
- Did you hear about the chef who never understood how animal-based oils help the cooking process? For him.... The Lard works in mysterious ways!
- What is an Italian mobster's favorite cooking oil? Cannoli Oil.
- [Life Pro Tip] when cooking Kale.. add some coconut oil.. It makes it easier to scrape into the trash bin..
- Yo mama so fat that when she works out too long she starts sweating cooking oil.
- What do disabled people cook their food wjth? Vegetable oil
Witty Cooking Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about cooking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kitchen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cooking pranks.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable?
Fitting the wheelchair in the oven.
Deer Season
Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.
Wife's Duties
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
There were 3 moles living in a hole...
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!
She made me do it all.
I used to date a dyslexic woman
I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
Somebody asked me what a spoonerism was....
I haven't got a cooking flue.
What do you call a group of disabled people in a pool?
Vegetable soup.
I apologise to those offended by my terrible joke. Have another;
Whats the hardest part of cooking a vegetable?
Getting the wheelchair into the oven
I forgot to buy baking paper
Looks like my cooking will be foiled again...
My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.
The sooner she's old enough to buy her own h**..., the better.
My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils..
..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke
Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.
My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."
Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"
Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking p**... and his best friend?
Because they're both cauldron
What should you do before cooking the vegetables?
Remove the wheelchair
My cooking is so great....
...that firefighters like to come and watch.
An Indian man is at home...
An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid.
"Just as I thought." He says.
"A Naan-Newtonian Fluid."
If two l**... get married, who does the cooking?
Neither, they both eat out.
My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"...
Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"
I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night...
I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....
The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.
So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.
I asked my Chinese girlfriend for a 69 last night.
She said f**... off, I'm not cooking at this time of night'
"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."
"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."
My ex-gf claims I dumped her for being a feminist...
Which is completely wrong! I dumped her for not doing my laundry, cleaning my dishes, or cooking my dinner.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
(As told by "Jackie chan" while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)
I love cooking dogs and children.
But I hate using commas.
A h**... is like cooking
It's good but even better when your Grandma does it
So I went into Mcdonalds and ordered some fries.
There was a chubby girl working, she seemed busy and kinda stressed out. She informed me the fries are cooking, and will be ready in about 3 minutes. I told her "no problem" and waited for my fries. After a few minutes she brought me my order and said "sorry about the wait" I said "no problem chubby, you're bound to lose it sometime".
I love cooking with wine
Sometimes I add it to the food
I used to be a member of the secret cooking society...
They kicked me out for spilling the beans.
If people make you sick,
You're probably not cooking them long enough.
I wanted to improve my cooking skills, so I finally decided to cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook
I'm on page 122, but no matter how much butter I use, it still just tastes like paper.
So j made a joke up
A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.
For Christs steak Micheal.
Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.
It could spell disaster.
Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.
Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.
It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.
He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
No, you can't have those! They're for the f**...!
A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs
His friend refuses saying he won't assist in a suet side!
(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)
This joke has to be told to someone in person
This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says I'm the one driving not you .
The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says I'm the one cooking not you
The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I'm the one telling the joke not you
A wife is shouting at her husband about not helping her with chores
- I'm cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, while you are sitting all day, waiting for me to bring you a beer. What kind of a husband are you?
- A patient one.
A father and his son went outside for a walk.
The son steps on a butterfly. The father jokes : Your going to have to eat some butter now!
When they return back to their home, they find the kid's mother cooking in the kitchen. She accidentally steps on a cockroach. The son says to the father : I'll leave you guys to it then.
A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza
They put the pizza in the oven and waited
When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said Let me pull it out.
The father then said You shouldn't, it's really hot.
The son replied Dad, you have 3 children, I don't trust you to pull out.
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between a cooking p**... and his best friend?
They're both cauldron
The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19
No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.
Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..
They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.
Not my joke but my 5 year old sister's
Mom is cooking up some mac and cheese for my little sis and says," Come get your macaroni and cheese."
To which my sister replies," I said I want mac and cheese, NO Caroni!"
My 5yr old sis is smarter than me
While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.
Running in I found her dead on the floor.
In a panic, I had no idea what to do.Then I remembered.
McDonald's do an all-day breakfast.
I want my girl to know how to do 70 things
Cooking and 69
My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response".
I said that thanks to my Mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.
A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.
At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."
She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You b**... men all the same...
"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"
I was a really poor student...
My English teacher once told me that he loves cooking children and pets. He also tried to teach me about commas being really important but I didn't pay attention to that part.
You might be a lesbian if
You hate cooking but you love eating out.
The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.
She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"
Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.
I didn't feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner
It wasn't so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.
I guess more just grain.
Fermented grain.
Distilled, fermented grain.
I had whisky for dinner tonight.
Found out why Americans are obsessed with b**...!
All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes
What's a panda's favorite cooking utensil?
A pan.. duh??
I really like cooking fruit with sugar.
I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!
A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on...
What-Jamaican
A man comes home, sees his wife cooking and says watcha makin?
The wife says I'm baking a cake in honor of a famous Jamaican. It will have his face on it .
The man says yeah I know that. I asked 'what Jamaican?
The young man finally made up his mind to tell his mother he was gay.
He could no longer keep it a secret so one evening when she was in the kitchen making supper, he took the plunge and told her.
Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay.
Immediately, his mother replied, Does being gay mean you have men's d**... in your mouth?
Well … stammered the young man. Yes, it does.
In that case, she said angrily, don't you ever criticise my cooking again.
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"
Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."
Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"
Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"
Lawyer: "How about being faithful?"
Women: "That's where we get him! The second child is not from him."
My family always prays before dinner.
If you ever tasted my wife's cooking you'd know why.
What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?
An Easy Bake Coven!
Last night my 13 y/o daughter was cooking spaghetti and she said, "Do you know how to tell when pasta is done?"
I said, "how?"
She goes, "When it's all-done-te!"
Very proud.
I've been banned from the Secret Cooking Society...
I kept spilling the beans.
