cooking Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious cooking stories

What are the best Cooking puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Cooking? Well here is a complete list of Cooking to have fun with:

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

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A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

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There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."

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My Dad's bear story.

A long time ago, my Dad worked on the Canadian Geographic Survey, which took him into the Rocky Mountains.

He told me this story about it.

Dad: I was working with my coworker all day, and then we returned to camp and started cooking dinner. The smell must have carried on the wind, and attracted the wildlife, because I turned around, and there was a full grown Grizzly Bear in the middle of the camp!

Me: :-O What did you do?

Dad: I picked up some shit, and threw it right in his face!

Me: uhhhh... where'd you get the shit?

Dad: It was right there in my pants!

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A young gay man comes out...

He sits down with his mother and explains his sexual preferences.

She sits quietly for a while, then asks him "Does this mean you allow a man to put his penis in your mouth?"

Somewhat taken aback, he responds "Well, yes."

She says "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

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The wife and her husband...

The wife and her husband sat in their trailer watching a cooking show on TV, as the wife notice a romantically involved couple next door through the window. The couple was lying down on a blanket, the girl nibbled the boys ear and he had his hand inside her T-shirt. You don't need to be a brain surgeon to see where this would develop.
Β«I can not decide whether I want to watch them or the TVΒ», the wife jokingly said to her husband.
Β«Watch themΒ», the man replied dryly, Β«you already know how to cookΒ».

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Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

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True Friendship

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.

"My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner...

His wife screams, "You asshole! My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

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A wife was making breakfast of fried eggs for her husband

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Guy confessing to mother about being Gay

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer
hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell
you. I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response,
and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay,
doesn't that mean that you put other men's
penises in your mouth?"
He says nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, I do."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, and whacked him over the head with a frying pan and said, "Don't you
dare complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!"

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The postman's last day

The postman was retiring and on his final day, some people on his route decided to thank him by giving him gifts. On his last house on his route, a beautiful blonde lady comes out and asks if he'd like to come in with her. The postman agrees and he ends up spending the night with her. He wakes up the next morning to see her cooking breakfast for him.

He eats but when he finishes his coffee he sees a dollar bill at the bottom of the cup. He asks her about it and she replies::
"Oh, when I told my husband we should do something for your retirement, he told me 'Fuck'em, give'em a dollar!'."
The blonde turns and smiles to the postman, "Breakfast was my idea!"

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Cooking shows...

A man walks into his living room and sees his wife watching a cooking show.

He says, "Why are you watching a cooking show? You don't know how to cook!"

and she says "Well... you watch porn..."

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A father cooks dinner for his children.

A father is cooking deer for his children, but decided not to tell them what it is, and tells them to guess. As a hint to what it is he tells them "Your mother calls me this all the time" to which his son replies. " It's Fucking Dick! Don't eat it!!"

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There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket

calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle D."
The old gentleman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking
stuff, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old man answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when you're out in public."
"Well, what do you call her when you are at home?"
"Lard ass."

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A man comes home from the bar...

and sees his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's cooking show on the tv.
He says to his wife, "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!"
To which she replies, "So what? You watch porn movies, don't you?"

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"I've been eating moms for 18 years"

My cousin made a mistake telling this joke last night while out to eat with a bunch of family.
Cousin: "this food is terrible. It tastes like ass"
Uncle: "HA, how do you know what ass tastes like?"
He planned on saying something like "I've been eating moms cooking for 18 years"
BUT
what came out was "I've been eating moms for 18 years"

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I used to date a dyslexic woman

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

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A man goes to his wife while she's watching her favourite tv cooking show and says...

"I don't know why you waste your time watching this nonsense. You haven't learned how to cook any new meals since we got married!"

The wife turns around and says...
"Well you haven't learned anything new in the bedroom since I met you... but that hasn't stopped you from watching porn all these years."

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What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable?

Fitting the wheelchair in the oven.

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I forgot to buy baking paper

Looks like my cooking will be foiled again...

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Two chefs go on vacation (OC)

Two chefs decide to take a vacation together. Being that they are chefs, they decide to go a cooking museum while taking some time off. In the museum, the see a golden whisk with a plaque underneath that reads: "The chef who owned this whisk was known as the greatest of his time, and served meals to kings and queens."

One chef says to the other, "Wow, I hope one day I can be a legendary chef like that guy, this is really inspiring."

The other chef responds, "You know what, I'm going to steal that whisk, once I have it, I'll be the greatest chef in the world!"

The first chef, trying to convince him otherwise, says, "Are you nuts!? Look at all the security around here, you'll be arrested and never cook again!"

The second chef replies, "Well...that's just a whisk I'm willing to take."

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Racial Confusion

A young black boy is in the kitchen cooking with his mum, when all of a sudden he smacks his face into the bowl of flower looking up at his mother he says "look mum, im a white fella!" She smacks him in the head with the spoon and says "get out of here with that shit, go see your father!" The little boy then approaches his father in the longue room and says "Look dad im a white fella!" His dad gets up and kicks the boy in the arse and says "get the fuck outta here with that shit. Go show your gran." The little boy then proceeds out side to see his Gran in the garden "Look Gran im a white fella!" She picks up the broom and starts hitting him with it saying "dont bring that shit around here!".

The little boy then heads back into the kitchen and sees his mum. His mother see's him with an upset and angry face. "Well son, what have you learned?" To which the little boy replies "Well, I've only been a white fella for 10 mins and I hate u black pricks already!"

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How are bears related to cooking?

The pan... duh

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Somebody asked me what a spoonerism was....

I haven't got a cooking flue.

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Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!

She made me do it all.

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Whats the hardest part about cooking vegetable?

getting the wheelchair in the oven.

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Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.


A: How is your married life?

B: For the last couple of weeks my husband has been helping me a lot around the house: watching kids, cooking, groceries, cleaning, doing laundry…


A: How did you convince him to do that?

B: He read an article in one magazine that if a woman is less tired at the end of the day, then she is much more active in bed.


A: And, did it help him?

B: I don't know yet. He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.. =/

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A young couple is having their first christmas together and they're cooking a turkey.

Just before they put the turkey in the oven the guy cuts an inch and a half off each end. His girlfriend asks "Why did you do that?" "That's how my mom does it." "Why does she do it?" "I don't know." So they phone his mom and she says "That's how *my* mom did it." So they phone the grandma and she says "I had a small oven."

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What is Chris Brown's favorite cooking appliance?

A Black and Decker

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This is my grandfather's favorite joke

Three moles lived in a hole outside of a house. One day, they smelled the people in the house cooking breakfast. The first mole starts sniffing and says, "I smell pancakes!" The second mole says, "I smell syrup!" The third mole is behind the other two, starts sniffing and says, "All I smell is mole asses!"

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What do you call a group of disabled people in a pool?

Vegetable soup.



I apologise to those offended by my terrible joke. Have another;

Whats the hardest part of cooking a vegetable?

Getting the wheelchair into the oven

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2 Hobos

Two hobos are sitting around a campfire, cooking up some squirrel and talking about good luck.

The first hobo says, "My luckiest day was the day I found a wallet with $150.00 in it and NO ID. I was drunk for a week straight."

The scond hobo says, "My luckiest day was the day I found a woman tied up on the train tracks. I untied her and we had sex for the rest of the afternoon."

"No way." said the first hobo. "Did you get a blowjob too?"

"Nope." Replied the second hobo "I couldn't find her head anywhere"

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I think my sister's boyfriend is beating her.

Now I don't have any physical evidence. I don't see any scratches or bruises. But I had dinner at her place last weekend and her cooking has gotten WAY better!

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A cannibal arrives late for a dinner party

He sees that his friends have not started eating yet or even cooking yet and says "Oh, thanks for waiting."

His friends responded "No problem. We couldn't start until you were here."

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2 monsters started talking

2 monsters were talking, one said he loved eating humans, the other disagreed. the first monster asked how he was cooking his humans. The second answered "I boiled him."So the first monster then asked if the second could describe the human he was trying to cook the second responded with "well, he was bald with a ring of hair, he wore a brown robe, with a rope around his waist like a belt." The second monster replied "well there's your problem! He was a FRIAR"

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Hey can you give me a ride to the Asian Cooking store?

Never mind I'll just wok.

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A black man, a mexican, and a white man find a magic lamp

Naturally, a genie comes out.

The genie gives each of them one wish, starting with the black man. He tells the genie "Genie, my people all miss Africa and would like to go back and see it one time. I wish all my people in America were back in Africa." And then the genie sent all the blacks to Africa.

The Mexican says "Genie, I feel the same. My people miss their families and the cooking from Mexico, so I wish all of my people in America went back to Mexico." And then the genie sent all the Mexicans back to Mexico.

The white man thinks for a minute, and asks the genie, "So you're telling me that all the black people and all the Mexican people are out of America?" The genie nods, and the white man says "Oh, I'll just have a Coke then."

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What is the final project for a student in cooking school?

A dessertation.

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An Italian, a Frenchman, a German, and an American sign up for a cooking class.

The instructor of the class has prepared three dishes for the class to cook; Fettuccine Alfredo, Γ‰clair, and Schnitzel. He walks up to the Italian and asks him what he would like his job to be.

"I will be responsible for the creation of the Fettuccine Alfredo."

The instructor allows him do do so, and moves on to the Frenchman, to whom he repeats his query.

"I will begin crafting the Γ‰clair, if you please."

The instructor moves on to the German.

"I would like to be in charge of making the Schnitzel."

The instructor lets him join the others in creating their respective dishes, and finally comes to the American, who is grinning widely.

"I am sorry," says the instructor. "I have no dishes left to cook for you."

"That's alright," responds the American. "I'll be in charge of eating them."

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A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.



While this has been verified by a recent sociological study,

it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

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While cooking dinner this happened.

I was making stir fry and opened a bag of peas. One pea gets lose and rolls off the counter. It was like slow motion as I watched it hit floor and roll under the stove. I turned to my wife who also witnessed the incident and said: "We have an escape pea." ...got a laugh

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I was cooking last night and made a joke about being able to figure out the fractions in my head without cutting one of my fingers off. No one laughed.

Guess I wasn't appealing to the lowest common denominator.

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Two muffins cooking in a oven

One says "fuck it's hot in here" the other says "Holy shit, a talking muffin"

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So I got a text from a friend...

Telling me that he's abroad. That's odd. His cooking is fucking horrible.

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What did the two stars of Good Burger name their vegan cooking show?

Quinoa and Kale!

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Why is Nazi cooking horrible?

Because everything is burnt but with a Jewey center.

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"Mom, why do you spend time watching cooking shows on TV if you don't even know how to cook?"

The same reason you masturbate watching porn, being a virgin...

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I learned a lot from my parents

Things like cooking, cleaning, and sewing, I learned from my father. And my mother taught me to construct jokes based on stereotypical gender roles.

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why is history called his-story

because no one wants to read about 6000 years of cooking and cleaning...zing

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best cooking jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty cooking gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these cooking jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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