Cooking Jokes

What are some Cooking jokes?

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle


*tips fedora*


Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.

The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

My wife's cooking is incredible.

With a silent 'cr'.

I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes

It was a whisk I was willing to take

This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says I'm the one driving not you .

The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says I'm the one cooking not you

The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I'm the one telling the joke not you

I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

If people make you sick,

You're probably not cooking them long enough.

If two lesbians get married, who does the cooking?

Neither, they both eat out.

My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils..

..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night...

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

What should you do before cooking the vegetables?

Remove the wheelchair

I asked my Chinese girlfriend for a 69 last night.

She said 'Fuck off, I'm not cooking at this time of night'

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.

My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."

Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"

Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....

The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

Wife's Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.

The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

A wife was making breakfast of fried eggs for her husband

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A son comes home one day to see his mother...

When he sits down at the kitchen table while his mother is cooking, he calmly tells her, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay"

The mother has no reaction. She just continues cooking.

Again, the son says, "Mom, I am not sure if you heard me, but I wanted to tell you that I'm gay."

Again, the mother has no reaction, and just continues cooking.

The son says again, "Mom, I am gay. Did you hear what I told you?"

The mother stops cooking, walks to her son, and asks, "Does gay mean that you put other men's dicks in your mouth?"

The son tells her, "Yes, that is what it means."

The mother then slaps him and says, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again"

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!

Guy confessing to mother about being Gay

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer
hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell
you. I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response,
and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay,
doesn't that mean that you put other men's
penises in your mouth?"
He says nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, I do."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, and whacked him over the head with a frying pan and said, "Don't you
dare complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!"

My wife's cooking is so bad

we usually pray after our food.

My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"...

Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"

I love cooking dogs and children.

But I hate using commas.

Coffee Dilemma

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

A farmer's wife is cooking breakfast for the family

The wife serves the farmer's breakfast first, then the farmer's daughter, then a plate for herself, and calls the family down. The farmer's son enters, and sees that he's been given nothing, and he protest, "Where's my eggs? My bacon? My milk?"

The wife replies, "I saw you kick the chickens, earlier so no eggs for a week. I also saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week. And I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week."

Just then the farmer walks in, kicking the cat as he enters. The boy looks to his mother, "should you tell him or should I?"

"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."

" I know all that," he said.

"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.

he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

Little Timmy was playing in the garden

Little Timmy was playing in the garden, and squashed a honey bee. His dad saw, and was so angry that he said 'No honey for a month!' Then he saw Little Timmy swat a butterfly, and he said 'No butter for a month, and you have to come inside now!' Meanwhile, his mum was cooking dinner. A cockroach ran across the kitchen, and she panicked and crushed it under her foot just as Little Timmy and his dad walked in. Little Timmy looked at his dad and said 'Do you want to tell her, or shall I?'ο»Ώ

Hearing concerns

A man tells his doctor that he's concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor tells him that there's an easy test for this: stand far away from her and ask her a question and keep getting closer until she hears him.

So the man goes home and sees his wife cooking dinner. He asks, "What's for dinner, honey?" There's no reply so he moves forward and asks, "What's for dinner, honey?" Again, he hears nothing and moves forward, "What's for dinner honey?"

She shouts, "For the third time, spaghetti!"

The postman's last day

The postman was retiring and on his final day, some people on his route decided to thank him by giving him gifts. On his last house on his route, a beautiful blonde lady comes out and asks if he'd like to come in with her. The postman agrees and he ends up spending the night with her. He wakes up the next morning to see her cooking breakfast for him.

He eats but when he finishes his coffee he sees a dollar bill at the bottom of the cup. He asks her about it and she replies::
"Oh, when I told my husband we should do something for your retirement, he told me 'Fuck'em, give'em a dollar!'."
The blonde turns and smiles to the postman, "Breakfast was my idea!"

I used to date a dyslexic woman

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

I used to be a member of the secret cooking society...

They kicked me out for spilling the beans.

So I went into Mcdonalds and ordered some fries.

There was a chubby girl working, she seemed busy and kinda stressed out. She informed me the fries are cooking, and will be ready in about 3 minutes. I told her "no problem" and waited for my fries. After a few minutes she brought me my order and said "sorry about the wait" I said "no problem chubby, you're bound to lose it sometime".

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely proud of himself and thought his wife would be happy with him for saving money.

Instead his wife screams, "Β Ben-zona! Why didn't you run behind a taxi, and save $15?!"

What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable?

Fitting the wheelchair in the oven.

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won't assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......;)

The wife and her husband...

The wife and her husband sat in their trailer watching a cooking show on TV, as the wife notice a romantically involved couple next door through the window. The couple was lying down on a blanket, the girl nibbled the boys ear and he had his hand inside her T-shirt. You don't need to be a brain surgeon to see where this would develop.
Β«I can not decide whether I want to watch them or the TVΒ», the wife jokingly said to her husband.
Β«Watch themΒ», the man replied dryly, Β«you already know how to cookΒ».

I forgot to buy baking paper

Looks like my cooking will be foiled again...

So j made a joke up

A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.

For Christs steak Micheal.

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

Two chefs go on vacation (OC)

Two chefs decide to take a vacation together. Being that they are chefs, they decide to go a cooking museum while taking some time off. In the museum, the see a golden whisk with a plaque underneath that reads: "The chef who owned this whisk was known as the greatest of his time, and served meals to kings and queens."

One chef says to the other, "Wow, I hope one day I can be a legendary chef like that guy, this is really inspiring."

The other chef responds, "You know what, I'm going to steal that whisk, once I have it, I'll be the greatest chef in the world!"

The first chef, trying to convince him otherwise, says, "Are you nuts!? Look at all the security around here, you'll be arrested and never cook again!"

The second chef replies, "Well...that's just a whisk I'm willing to take."

My cooking is so great....

...that firefighters like to come and watch.

I love cooking with wine

Sometimes I add it to the food

A handjob is like cooking

It's good but even better when your Grandma does it

Women are good for 70 things

Cooking and 69

My ex-gf claims I dumped her for being a feminist...

Which is completely wrong! I dumped her for not doing my laundry, cleaning my dishes, or cooking my dinner.

I wanted to improve my cooking skills, so I finally decided to cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook

I'm on page 122, but no matter how much butter I use, it still just tastes like paper.

There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........

when one says to the other. "Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"

The second guy says "No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's nasty." So his buddy says "Suit yourself." And goes to town eating the rotten frozen dead cat.

He comes back about a half an hour later and says "Man, I don't feel so good. I shouldn't have eaten that rotten frozen dead cat." And proceeds to puke and the ground.

The other guy starts licking his lips and says "That's what I'm talking about, a hot meal!"

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?

Because they're so full of mummies

(As told by "Jackie chan" while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)

Somebody asked me what a spoonerism was....

I haven't got a cooking flue.

If we talked about cooking the way we do about sex.

"I have never cooked for anyone before. I'm waiting until marriage, or someone I love."

"Why? I practice cooking all the time. I look at videos. I'm so good at cooking. I know how to satisfy myself."

"Gross!"

"What's the harm? I have a girlfriend who's a professional chef. She gets paid to cook for other people. What if you're terrible the first time you try to cook? Especially if you're trying to cook for someone else?."

"It will be ok. Relationships are more than just food."

American intervention is kind of like my cooking...

It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.

3 Women sitting in a cafΓ©.

Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a cafΓ©, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: "I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes." The french one replies: " I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is cooking!" At last the turkish one says : " I say to my Ahmed, I dont wash your clothing anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day I dont see anything, the third day I can see a little with my left eye."

Deer Hunting

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!

She made me do it all.

Why was Adam and Eves marriage so successful?

Because he couldn't complain about her mothers cooking.

My girlfriend is dyslexic...

.. She loves "cooking my sock"

A dude goes out on a date with his new Chinese girlfriend...

It goes so well that she invites him back to her place. "I had a wonderful time," she purrs at him. "I'm pretty much up for anything you want after a night like that."

The young guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, to be honest, I've always wanted to try a 69."

"Forget that!" she says. "There's no way I'm cooking chicken chow mein at this time of night!"

Did you know that lesbians suck at cooking?

It's cuz they are always eating out

Who won the Asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai!

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn't have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

That's disgusting! One guy says to the other.

Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!

*true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast

I guess the yolk's on me...

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.


A: How is your married life?

B: For the last couple of weeks my husband has been helping me a lot around the house: watching kids, cooking, groceries, cleaning, doing laundry…


A: How did you convince him to do that?

B: He read an article in one magazine that if a woman is less tired at the end of the day, then she is much more active in bed.


A: And, did it help him?

B: I don't know yet. He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.. =/

I heard a story about a cannibal who had an obsession with cooking his victim's organs...

It was really heart-warming.

A young couple is having their first christmas together and they're cooking a turkey.

Just before they put the turkey in the oven the guy cuts an inch and a half off each end. His girlfriend asks "Why did you do that?" "That's how my mom does it." "Why does she do it?" "I don't know." So they phone his mom and she says "That's how *my* mom did it." So they phone the grandma and she says "I had a small oven."

Why are Jews and the Amish so similar?

Neither like cooking with gas.

What is Chris Brown's favorite cooking appliance?

A Black and Decker

According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking.

Because if there's one thing women love, it's a man who can lie.

Jesus is preparing for the Last Supper...

Jesus: Judas, I need you to go to each and every one of my disciples and tell them to meet me here for supper. Also, stop by the market and get some fish, vegetables, and a dessert. When you've come back and are done cooking, set up the table and our best plates.

Later that evening, while everyone is enjoying their food, Jesus begains in a somber tone, "One of you will betray me -

Judas: "Why do I have to do everything around here?!"

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

I was cooking Chinese food down in Yosemite

... It was a Wok in the park.

Cooking is actually really easy for anyone to do

It's just that most people don't have thyme.

I'm starting a therapeutic cooking class for Parkinson's Disease patients.

It's called "Shake & Bake".

One day, a man was worried his wife has a hearing problem.

So before dinner, while his wife was cooking, the man stood behind her at a distance and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

He didn't see nor hear a reaction. Growing concerned, he stood a bit closer and asked again, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Once again, there was no response, and the wife kept cooking. The man being extremely worried at this point stood right behind his wife and pleaded "Honey, please tell me you can hear me!"

This time, the wife finally turned around but with a very irritated look and shouted "For the third time Henry, YES I CAN HEAR YOU!!"

How to make Cooking jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Cooking to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Cooking? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Cooking pick up lines to share with friends.

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