The Best 89 Cooking Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cooking jokes. There are some cooking cookware jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cooking cookin puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cooking Jokes and Puns

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable?

Fitting the wheelchair in the oven.

Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

Cooking joke, Deer Season

Wife's Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.

The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."


Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!

She made me do it all.

I used to date a dyslexic woman

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

Cooking joke, I used to date a dyslexic woman

Somebody asked me what a spoonerism was....

I haven't got a cooking flue.

I forgot to buy baking paper

Looks like my cooking will be foiled again...

My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.

The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils..

..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

You can explore cooking cuisine reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cooking dinner dad jokes. There are also cooking puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Women are good for 70 things

Cooking and 69

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.

My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."

Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"

Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.

My wife's cooking is incredible.

With a silent 'cr'.

Who won the Asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai!

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

Cooking joke, Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

What should you do before cooking the vegetables?

Remove the wheelchair

My cooking is so great....

...that firefighters like to come and watch.

An Indian man is at home...

An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid.

"Just as I thought." He says.
"A Naan-Newtonian Fluid."


My wife's cooking is so bad

we usually pray after our food.

If two lesbians get married, who does the cooking?

Neither, they both eat out.

Why are Jews and the Amish so similar?

Neither like cooking with gas.

My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"...

Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"

I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night...

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....

The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

I heard a story about a cannibal who had an obsession with cooking his victim's organs...

It was really heart-warming.

I asked my Chinese girlfriend for a 69 last night.

She said 'Fuck off, I'm not cooking at this time of night'

"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."

" I know all that," he said.

"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.

he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

Why was Adam and Eves marriage so successful?

Because he couldn't complain about her mothers cooking.

My ex-gf claims I dumped her for being a feminist...

Which is completely wrong! I dumped her for not doing my laundry, cleaning my dishes, or cooking my dinner.

I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes

It was a whisk I was willing to take

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?

Because they're so full of mummies

(As told by "Jackie chan" while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

I love cooking dogs and children.

But I hate using commas.

A dude goes out on a date with his new Chinese girlfriend...

It goes so well that she invites him back to her place. "I had a wonderful time," she purrs at him. "I'm pretty much up for anything you want after a night like that."

The young guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, to be honest, I've always wanted to try a 69."

"Forget that!" she says. "There's no way I'm cooking chicken chow mein at this time of night!"

My girlfriend is dyslexic...

.. She loves "cooking my sock"

A handjob is like cooking

It's good but even better when your Grandma does it

So I went into Mcdonalds and ordered some fries.

There was a chubby girl working, she seemed busy and kinda stressed out. She informed me the fries are cooking, and will be ready in about 3 minutes. I told her "no problem" and waited for my fries. After a few minutes she brought me my order and said "sorry about the wait" I said "no problem chubby, you're bound to lose it sometime".

I love cooking with wine

Sometimes I add it to the food

I used to be a member of the secret cooking society...

They kicked me out for spilling the beans.

If people make you sick,

You're probably not cooking them long enough.

I wanted to improve my cooking skills, so I finally decided to cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook

I'm on page 122, but no matter how much butter I use, it still just tastes like paper.

I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle

*tips fedora*

Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

So j made a joke up

A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.

For Christs steak Micheal.

What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn't have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

That's disgusting! One guy says to the other.

Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!

*true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast

I guess the yolk's on me...

Did you know that lesbians suck at cooking?

It's cuz they are always eating out

American intervention is kind of like my cooking...

It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won't assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says I'm the one driving not you .

The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says I'm the one cooking not you

The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I'm the one telling the joke not you

A wife is shouting at her husband about not helping her with chores

- I'm cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, while you are sitting all day, waiting for me to bring you a beer. What kind of a husband are you?
- A patient one.

Saying Grace

My wife's cooking is so bad we pray after the meal

A father and his son went outside for a walk.

The son steps on a butterfly. The father jokes : Your going to have to eat some butter now!

When they return back to their home, they find the kid's mother cooking in the kitchen. She accidentally steps on a cockroach. The son says to the father : I'll leave you guys to it then.

A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza

They put the pizza in the oven and waited

When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said Let me pull it out.

The father then said You shouldn't, it's really hot.

The son replied Dad, you have 3 children, I don't trust you to pull out.

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend?

They're both cauldron

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..

They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

My wife doesn't realize I'm not complimenting her cooking

When I say "you remind me of Gordon Ramsay"

Not my joke but my 5 year old sister's

Mom is cooking up some mac and cheese for my little sis and says," Come get your macaroni and cheese."
To which my sister replies," I said I want mac and cheese, NO Caroni!"

My 5yr old sis is smarter than me

While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in I found her dead on the floor.

In a panic, I had no idea what to do.Then I remembered.

McDonald's do an all-day breakfast.

I want my girl to know how to do 70 things

Cooking and 69

My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response".

I said that thanks to my Mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You bloody men all the same...

"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

I was a really poor student...

My English teacher once told me that he loves cooking children and pets. He also tried to teach me about commas being really important but I didn't pay attention to that part.

You might be a lesbian if

You hate cooking but you love eating out.

The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.

She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"

Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.

I didn't feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn't so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him Are you the friar?

He replied No, I'm the chip monk...

My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused

I think it's a naan issue.

What do you call the leader of Amazon Cooking?

Chef Bezos.

Why does Meghan Trainor like to pour the meat juices over her roast during cooking?

She's all about that baste.

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place...

...Tell that to the crab.

Why did Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson's family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

What's a panda's favorite cooking utensil?

A pan.. duh??

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

God said man should not be alone.

God told Adam, it is not good for you to be alone, I will make you a woman! She will do all the work, hunting , fishing cooking and cleaning, she will never say no to sex and will do all your bidding, you will have it made. What do you think said God? Adam replied what will this cost me ? God replied this will cost you an arm and leg . Adam then asked God what can I get for just a rib ? AND THE REST MY FRIEND IS HISTORY.

A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on...

What-Jamaican

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cooking wok jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cooking dane cook piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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