cookies Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cookies puns

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

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When I was 6 I got coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

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I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

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I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

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I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned his cookies.

Some how the bastard found out and killed my dad.

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I tried to start an online bakery.

But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

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(My 8yo Daughter) How many cookies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don't, I eat them all.

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Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

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New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

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Why did Steve Jobs eat all the cookies?

Mac users have no CTRL

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Just burned 2,000 calories

That's the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I nap.

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Why aren't there any fat girls on the boxes of girl scout cookies?

Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.

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Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.

A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that rapist is looking at your cookie."

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A boy and his grandpa are sitting on the porch...

Grandpa is sipping on a glass of whiskey when the boy asks him for a drink.

Grandpa asks, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"

"No.", the boy replies. "Then no, you can't have any"

A few minutes later the boy comes back out and grandpa is smoking a cigar.

"Can I have a puff of your cigar, grandpa?"

Grandpa asks again, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"

"I already told you I can't, grandpa", the boy replies and goes back in the house.

A few minutes later the boy comes back with a plate of cookies.

"Gimme one of them cookies, boy", grandpa demands.

"Can you touch your dick to your asshole, grandpa?"

"Well, as a matter of fact I can, boy."

"Good. Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me."

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An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

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A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

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Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy says "no"

"Well when you can touch your dick to your asshole, come back here and I'll share my whiskey with you."

Slightly offended the boy gets his cookies and begins to walk out of the room but his grandpa stops him.

"Hey kid, wanna give your old gramps one of those cookies?" he asks.

The boy turns to his grandpa and says "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Grandpa grows a big wide grin "I sure can!" he says.

"Good," says the boy "then Go fuck yourself. These are MY fucking cookies."

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grandpa, can I have your cigar?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not old enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then you're not old enough enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"

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I was just on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

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The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your funeral!"

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How Long is an asian dick

I mean, seriously, I saw him stealing cookies from a little girl.

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A boy sees his dad smoking [NSFW]

So the boy asks if he can smoke, to which the dad replied: "I don't know son, does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy replied, "no".

Later he sees him drinking a beer and asks if he can have one. "I don't know son, does your dick touch your asshole?" Again, no.

That night the boy is making cookies with his mother and the dad walks in. "Boy those cookies look great, can I have one"

Seeing his chance the boy asks his dad if his dick touches his asshole.

When the dad tells him that it does indeed, the boy replies: "That's great dad, cause you can go fuck yourself these are my cookies"

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To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".

They were a little on the Chewy side.

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A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner

BOY: But I don't know how to pray

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.

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If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have?

A broken hand.

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A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!

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A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, can have some?

The grandpa says, does your dick touch your asshole? The boy says, no . Grandpa says, then no, you can't have any. Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, hey can I try your cigar? Grandpa again asks, does your dick touch your asshole? The boy says no and his grandpa responds, then no, you can't have any. The next morning the grandpa comes into the kitchen and sees the boy eating cookies. He asks his grandson for a cookie and the boy asks, does your dick touch your asshole? The grandpa replies, yes, and without missing a beat the boy says, then go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me.

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young child and his grandfather.

A young child and his grandfather are sitting on the porch. The Grandfather cracks open a beer and begins to drink. The boy ask "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" to which the grandfather replies " can your dick touch your ass?" The boy says "no" so the Grandfather Replies "you're not old enough then."
Later the grandfather lights up a cigar. The boy ask "Grandpa, can I have a puff?" to which the grandfather replies " can your dick touch your ass?" The boy says "no" so the Grandfather Replies "you're not old enough then."
Then grandma brings the boy a big plate of cookies. Grandfather sees this and says "hey how about giving me one of those cookies." The boy says "can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa smiles and says "why yes, it can." To which the boy replies " then go fuck yourself! grandma made these cookies for me!"

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An old man was laying on his death bed

With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

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My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

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Grandma's cookies

Little Jimmy was visiting his grandparents one day and noticed grandpa was getting ready to go fishing and asked if he could come with.

"Can your dick reach around to your ass?" asked grandpa.

"Well, no, it can't" said jimmy.

"Well then sorry squirt, you can't go".

Grandma saw how sad jimmy was that he couldn't go so told him to come inside and they'd make some cookies.

A little later grandpa came back from fishing and saw the cookies. "Ooh, those look great, can I have some?"

"Can your dick reach around to your ass?" asked jimmy.

"Why yes, it can" said grandpa.

"Then go fuck yourself old man, these are mine."

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Darn kinds

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.""Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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Cookies

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife......
"Feck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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This joke has never failed me. EVER. (NSFW)

On the night of Christmas Eve, Santa is busy delivering presents. He comes down the chimney of a house to a beautiful girl (who just turned 18) in a gorgeous nightgown, laying on the couch waiting for him. They talk as he eats cookies and places presents under the tree.

As he leaves for the night, the young woman stands up and asks him, "Santa, can you stay here with me tonight?"
Santa replied, "ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta give presents to people I know"

Hearing this the girl removes her nightgown, now in just her bra and panties, and asks "Santa, won't you please stay with me tonight?"
Santa replied, "ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta give presents to people I know"

Hearing this, she takes off her undergarments and faces Santa in the nude, asking "Santa please will you stay?"
Santa replied, "hey hey hey, gotta stay gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

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What are the most funny Cookies jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cookies? Well, here are the best Cookies dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cookies pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes