Cookie Jokes

Following is our collection of pastries puns and twix one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cookie jokes for adults, dirty cutter jokes and clean cupcake dad gags for kids.

The Best Cookie Puns

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!

A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

How do you make a gingerbread man's bed?

With a cookie sheet.

Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside!

It was unfortunate.


Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

Why was 5 a good lover?

Because he waited 4 3 2 come 1st.


_____

Follow up:

Q: "Funny. But really, how good was the 6 4 5?"
A: "Just average, but the 6 was only a 5 4 3 2."

______
 

^^^\( ^^^I ^^^made ^^^this ^^^up ^^^give ^^^me ^^^a ^^^cookie. ^^^)

Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.

A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that rapist is looking at your cookie."

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

Poor Ajmal.

After playtime, Ms Wilson asks some of her kindergarten kids what they did during playtime.
"What did you do at playtime Tom?"
"I played in the sandpit" said Tom.
"Very good, if you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie!"
Tom spelled sand and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Sally?"
"I played in the sandpit with Tom" said Sally.
"That's nice, if you can spell pit, I'll give you a cookie!"
Sally spelled pit and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Ajmal?"
"I tried to play in the sandpit, but Sally and Tom threw rocks at me!" said Ajmal.
"That sounds like blatant racial discrimination, If you can spell blatant racial discrimination I'll give you a cookie!".


The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your funeral!"

The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.

Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have?

A broken hand.

I'd love to give the man who invented Incognito mode a cookie.

Sadly it was erased.

I brought some cookie dough into work today...

...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on.

My boss said I was "insensitive" and "fired from the crematorium".

Why Santa got involved with Christmas

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:

Santa: Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top.

Now, every year he has to keep doing the bullshit lie he told.

What's Cookie Monsters favourite band?

Oreo Speedwagon.


A man brought some cookies to a party...

His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.

"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.

"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.

He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."

What is cookie monsters favorite war?

Vietnom nom nom nom

A man on his death bed

A man on his death bed smells cookies, gets up and walks into his kitchen. He asks his wife if he can have a cookie. The wife tells him to get out of here, those are for the wake

I just open a fortune cookie that had no paper inside...

...it was unfortunate.

Today I had a fortune cookie that had no fortune inside...

...it was very unfortunate.

Why was the cookie so sad?

Because his mother was a wafer so long.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he's feeling crummy.


-my 4 yo daughter-

Fortune cookie: "Every exit can be an entry"

Long story short:
My girlfriens said no...

A CEO, his American employee, and an immigrant applicant are sitting at a table with a box of 20 cookies...

A CEO, his American employee, and an immigrant applicant are sitting at a table with a box of 20 cookies.

The CEO takes 19 cookies, then whispers to the American employee, "Watch out, I think that Mexican is going to try and take your cookie!"

What is a cannibals favorite type of cookie?

Lady fingers.

If you give a developer a cookie...

they'll tell you why it's really better to use local storage.

What's the smartest cookie?

Academia nut

Why did the cookie to the hospital?

He was feeling crummy.

Got any funny fortune cookie idea's?

I own a restaurant and I have extremely funny fortune cookies, but I'm running out of fortune ideas! Help me! I need some raunchy, dirty and insulting fortunes! Show me what you got and you could see them in a fortune cookie one day!

What does a Japanese bakery thief say?

"I Tokyo cookie."

I got an empty fortune cookie the other day.

It was unfortunate.

Three kids are talking at school...

The first one says: "my dad is a formula one driver; he is super fast!" The second one answers: "Really? My dad is a pilot, and with his jet he is even faster than your dad!" They both turn to the last kid. He puts down his cookie, and tells the others: "My dad is so fast, his timetable says he finishes work at 6, but he's always home by 5". The two other kids are amazed, and they ask where his dad works. "He's a state employee".

Why was the cookie crying?

Because it's mom was a wafer so long.

What's a lesbian's favourite cookie?

Lady fingers.

The final cookie

A man near death smelled his wife baking his favorite cookies down stairs. He decided if he was going to go he would have one last cookie before he went. He dragged his mostly useless body down the stairs and crawled to the counter where he knew the cookies were on the cooling rack. As he reached for a final treat his wife smacked him on the hand with a wooden spoon and said, "Those are for your funeral guests".

I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day.

Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".

Two cookies are getting ready for their fight

"Lets get ready to crrrrrrummmbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

I was in class today and asked a friend if I could have a bite of her cookie...

She took the napkin it was on, folded it over to gather all the crumbs, counted out 8 crumbs, handed them over and said,

"no, but you can have 8 bits."

What do you call an emo making a ginger bread house?

A cookie cutter

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.



The real joke is that this is what my fortune cookie said.

I still remember my first fortune cookie...

...and how much it tasted like paper.

I used to be overweight.

A few years ago, I was waiting in line at a bank. There was a mother and her little boy in line behind me. The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"

I looked at him and replied, "Well, every time I fu\*\*ed your mother, she gave me a Cookie."

What did the Cookie Monster say after eating all the anesthia at the dentist's office?

"NUMB NUM NUMB NUM NUMB NUM"

My manager asked me if I had prepared my report on how to cut costs at our cookie factory...

Thinking quickly, I told him that we could save money by not fully cooking all our cookies.
It was a half-baked idea, but it turned out to save us a lot of dough.

What do you call a cookie with erectile dysfunction?

A Limp Biscuit

A Good Mother

A good mom will always let her child lick the cookie dough after she's finished mixing it.

The best mom will switch the mixer off first.



(This was a joke translated from Russian that my mom always told me. She was a pretty good mom ;( )

I once received a fortune cookie of which the fortune was immediately fulfilled...

"You will have a weak dessert"

A CEO, a union worker and a tea party member sit down at a table ...

The union worker sets out a dozen cookies he baked.
The CEO grabs them all and tells the tea partier that the union member stole his cookie.

What kind of key do you use for a kitchen?

A Cookie.

What did the cookie farmer say?

"I've been raisin' cookies."

A businessman, a worker, and a mexican are sitting around a table with 3 cookies on it

The businessman takes 2 and says to the worker, "Watch out, that mexican is gonna steal your cookie."

What did the Hershey's bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S'mores Code

There is an abundance of chips jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 56 funniest jokes and cookie puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any crumby witze you can hear about cookie.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes