Cook Jokes
158 cook jokes and hilarious cook puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cook that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a few chuckles in the kitchen? Check out our collection of cook jokes to make you laugh. From line cook to fry cook, housekeeper to making the best cuisine, there's something funny for everyone! Also featuring jokes from Peter and Dane Cook, there's no better way to get a kitchen giggle!
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Funniest Cook Short Jokes
Short cook jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cook humour may include short chef jokes also.
- Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan Son: Dad you were a cook.
Dad:Never said I was a good one - What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
- What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil? M'Ladle
*tips fedora*
Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook. - I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved. ......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!
- Why did Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson's family get tested for COVID-19 They couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.
- "Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
- Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.
- Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook. - Never literally taking cooking instructions… It said chill in the fridge for an hour
I nearly died - My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
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Cook One Liners
Which cook one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cook? I can suggest the ones about oven and maker.
- French fries weren't cooked in France. They were cooked in Greece.
- My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
- Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.. I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
- I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!
- In Japan, what do you say to your mom when she cooks for you? I love umami !!
- Who cooks in a lesbian relationship? None they both eat out.
- I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.
- Why are Subway cooks called "Sandwich Artists"? Even art majors deserve recognition
- Why can't you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump? Apples and oranges.
- Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal? No Mark, my wife is a good cook.
- Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food? Because they prefer ramen.
- My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr'.
- If your girl can cook Chinese marry her because Schezwan of a kind.
- I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes It was a whisk I was willing to take
- what was Joan of Arc's hidden talent? She could really cook.
Cook Evenly Jokes
Here is a list of funny cook evenly jokes and even better cook evenly puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs! She made me do it all.
- My wife is such a terrible cook... Even the cockroaches order out.
- My cooking is so awesome... ...even my smoke alarm cheers me on!
- I had the worst sushi of all time the other day It wasn't even cooked
- My wife always cooks Indian food for dinner, even though I hate it. It's been a recurrying issue
- I am a terrible cook. I can't even make a pre-made salad.
Bad Cook Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad cook jokes and even better bad cook puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my... Rameses kitchen nightmares.
- I'm not saying I'm a bad cook. But how long does pasta stay in the toaster?
- What do you call a badly cooked piece of meat? A misteak
- Saying Grace My wife's cooking is so bad we pray after the meal
- Why was the surfer such a bad cook? All he could handle was the microwave
- My Wife's cooking is so bad If you left Dental Floss in the kitchen
The Roaches would hang themselves! - Why are psychic bad chefs? They cook everything medium rare.
- My wife's cooking is so bad.... We pray to God after the meal
- What does a one night stand and cooking bad Chinese food have in common? Both end in a wok of shame
- My wife's cooking is so bad… … we pray after we eat.
Fry Cook Jokes
Here is a list of funny fry cook jokes and even better fry cook puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I often get the order wrong... What do I have in common with an incompetent fry cook?
- DID YOU KNOW....french fries arent cooked in France? They're cooked in Greece *rim shot*
- What's the hardest part of making chicken fried steak? Teaching the chicken to cook
- I tried starting a unisex cooking group focused on fried foods But no one will join me in "The Battered Men & Women's Club"
- Why did the cook fry the shrimp? because it was throwing a tempura tantrum.
- I was frying up these mini Bratwursts I'd bought from a budget supermarket, when my wife asked, 'What are you cooking?' To which I replied:
'They're Lidl sausages.' - Have I told you about the time I met Steven Tyler and he taught me how to cook stir fry? He told me to "wok this way."
- Did you hear about the lazy fry cook. With him a job well done was pretty rare.
- I just witnessed Elvis cooking stir fry... First time I've ever seen a dead man wok-ing.
- Why don't lazy people like cooking a stir-fry? Because they have to do a lot of wok-ing
Line Cook Jokes
Here is a list of funny line cook jokes and even better line cook puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many line cooks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Screw it, 86 light bulbs
- I can't get an asian actor for the commercial I'm filming. It's a simple role. They're a cook at a Chinese restaurant. No lines simply wok on wok off.
Dane Cook Jokes
Here is a list of funny dane cook jokes and even better dane cook puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Dane Cook was a dog, what kind of dog would he be? Definitely not a Great Dane
- Screw this! I'm going to leave the original joke making to the professionals! Dane Cook...
Amy Schumer...
Carlos Mencia... - Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook. He said at least he won't try anything funny.
- Whenever somebody says the next person like Trump is going to be worse than him... I am heartened by the fact that they said the same thing about Dane Cook.
- FUNNIEST thing Dane Cook ever said. ...
Amusing & Witty Cook Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about cook you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean meal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cook pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
What is cookie monsters favorite war?
Vietnom nom nom nom
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a lesbian's favorite meal to cook?
Nothing. l**... don't cook. They eat out.
Little Boy Prayer
A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"
I cooked for my fiancée's parents for the first time
As I handed out the rarely cooked steak Harry (her father) said, "I like it well done."
I said, "Thanks, that means a lot."
THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage
1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.
God creates Adam
God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, wash your clothes, and laugh at all of your jokes."
Adam couldn't believe his luck!
God says, "All this will cost you only and arm and a leg." To which Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"
So Adam was lonely.
God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
The 4 rules of marriage.
A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,
"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."
What's Cookie Monsters favourite band?
Oreo Speedwagon.
Advice from my father
Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Pakistani cook get fired?
He could only cook eggs Sunni side up and, honestly, they tasted like s**...'ite.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad's favorite joke.
A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's g**..., you should see him make donuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."
The cast of the Matrix was having a barbeque
The seafood was fresh off the grill. Keanu Reeves tasted it and exclaimed "What is this! It's like charcoal!"
The cook turned and said "What if I told you...that's why they call me Laurence Fishburne"
^I'll ^see ^myself ^out
Why can't short people cook?
Because the steaks are too high.
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.
The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.
The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats for Dinner
A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."
The little girl screams to her Brother,
"Don't eat it, it's an a**....."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I know it's i**... for me to cook my own alcohol...
But still.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
How do you cook eggs found on someone else's property?
You poach them.
You can be the most beautiful woman on the planet but if you can't cook
don't worry I can
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a Lesbian, I feel like I wasted my time learning to cook.
All my partner and I do is eat out.
My wife has to be the worst cook ever.
In my house we pray after we eat.
There aren't many books on how to cook steak
It's a rare medium done well.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A maid asks for a raise
A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for s**...
I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.
What should you do before cooking the vegetables?
Remove the wheelchair
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A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black b**...."
A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook.
But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.
My cooking is so great....
...that firefighters like to come and watch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a h**... from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"
What do Chinese bears use to cook?
A pan. Duh!
My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.
We are maid for each other.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook
If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll s**... anything.
My boyfriend is the best cook
With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
Super bowl tickets
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.
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Why did God invent women?
Because sheep can't cook.
Cutting down personal expenses
The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:
"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household services."
The wife replied: "Sure. And if you could learn to satisfy me, we wouldn't need the gardener either."
Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?
Because it's always getting baked.
If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have?
A broken hand.
Every cook has a secret
The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.
Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A very common male fantasy, is to have two women at the same time...
one to cook, one to clean
The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant
A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.
Do you know how to cook toilet paper?
No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.
The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.
A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced
When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:
"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"
"Because he's considering getting married"
A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...
The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.
Literally the guy you asked for
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?
A man marries a women who is a very good cook..
Every time she makes something he says,
"This doesnt taste like how my mom used to make it."
Final after a year of this at every meal she angrily asks, " How did your moms taste??!!"
"Awful" He replies.
Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?"
His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"
A rich couple lost all their money and was trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes.
The husband says to the wife if you learn to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper
She laughed and replied if you learned to please me in bed, we could get rid of the gardener
Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.
Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.
I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, I like it Well Done.
I said, Thanks buddy. That means a lot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have s**....
The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.
Little Johnny
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to." the little boy replied.
"Of course you do." His mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house"
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
Why can't you cook wood in a pan?
Its a non stick pan
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
4 people fighting to sit on the Throne.
There's blood, there's guts, there's n**....
Gonna have to face the facts.
I'm a terrible cook.
My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.
I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.
The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".
The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"
The five secrets to happiness (a Man's guide):
1. Find a woman who can make you laugh
2. Find a woman who can cook
3. Find a woman who really listens to you
4. Find a woman who is good in bed
5. Make sure these four women do not find out about each other
My wife is a deeply religious cook...
Everything she makes is either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you cook alligator meat?
In a croc p**...!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are d**....
Use a pan,for God's sake.
My wife is studying to become a massage therapist
All she wants to do is study and practice. I've got to cook, I've got to clean, it's tough.
But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded
A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive
"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"
"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.
"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."
Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.
Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.
Husband: I know all that.
Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?
Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.
