Cook Jokes

Following is our collection of cuisine puns and cooker one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cook jokes for adults, dirty fry jokes and clean dane cook dad gags for kids.

The Best Cook Puns

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle


*tips fedora*


Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."

He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."

The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."


My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.

Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...

"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."

A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter


A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"

Two kids talking.

One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.

The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.

The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.

A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."


I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful mΜΆuΜΆmΜΆ cook."

Little Boy Prayer

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"

Happy father's day!

5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:

Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me

Mom: And which one will put you to sleep

Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears.

Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?

Son: Let them sleep with daddy.

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !

Happy Father's day!

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says

"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"

Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.

"At Home, you *always* say grace"

Swallowing, the husband replies.

"Honey, that's at home. Here, the chef actually knows how to cook"


My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

As a Lesbian, I feel like I wasted my time learning to cook.

All my partner and I do is eat out.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

A recently married couple...

A recently married couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. When the food was served, the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: "Honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Won't you do that here?"

Husband: "That's at home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".

Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

None they both eat out.

Couple in a Restaurant – Joke

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…

As the food was served, Husband said:
The Food looks delicious, let's eat.

Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have sex.

The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.

Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.

That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?

His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?

Why can't you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, I like it Well Done.

I said, Thanks buddy. That means a lot.

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

Why don't lesbians cook?

They prefer to eat out.

Advice from my father

Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.


Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania

I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol...

But still.

Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal?

No Mark, my wife is a good cook.

Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

Little Johnny

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to." the little boy replied.

"Of course you do." His mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house"

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

My wife's cooking is incredible.

With a silent 'cr'.

The five secrets to happiness (a Man's guide):

1. Find a woman who can make you laugh

2. Find a woman who can cook

3. Find a woman who really listens to you

4. Find a woman who is good in bed

5. Make sure these four women do not find out about each other

Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

If your girl can cook Chinese marry her because

Schezwan of a kind.

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

what was Joan of Arc's hidden talent?

She could really cook.

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

2 girls were talking on the playground...

One looks to the other and asks, "Do you guys pray before you eat dinner?"

The other replies, "No, my mom knows how to cook."

A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced

When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:

"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"

"Because he's considering getting married"

I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex

I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.

The 4 rules of marriage.

A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,

"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."

My wife has to be the worst cook ever.

In my house we pray after we eat.

A police officer knocks on a man's door.

The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods.

"May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf.

The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train."

" I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"

4 people fighting to sit on the Throne.

There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

What should you do before cooking the vegetables?

Remove the wheelchair

Why can't short people cook?

Because the steaks are too high.

So Adam was lonely.

God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

Do you know how to cook toilet paper?

No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.

A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like penises. I don't like it," he says.

The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

What's a lesbian's favorite meal to cook?

Nothing. Lesbians don't cook. They eat out.

Adam and Eve

When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong.

Adam - I'm lonely.

God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing sex, will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch football?

Adam - That sounds awesome! What will it cost me?

God - An arm and a leg!

Adam - What can I get for a rib?

Super bowl tickets

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

Β 

Β 

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."


*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.

THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage

1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.

There is an abundance of cookery jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 62 funniest jokes and cook puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any roast witze you can hear about cook.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes