The Best 90 Convince Jokes

I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

I lost both my legs below the knee in an accident...

... and for years, no matter how hard my friends and family tried to convince me, I fought on without prosthetic replacements.

In the end it became just too difficult, so I finally accepted defeat.

What's the greatest trick the Austrians ever pulled off?

It was to convince the world that Mozart was Austrian and that Hitler in fact was German.

How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

This is a joke I came up with.

Q: How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There's no need to change it when you can easily convince everyone that it still works, but they've gone blind.

How can i convince my Buddhist friend that he owes me money from 3 lifetimes ago?

How do you convince your neighbor to share their water with you?

Try to get a long well.

How did the Terminator convince his girlfriend to move in with him?

He said, "Live with me if you want to come."

I'd like to drown my sorrows.

But I can't convince my wife to go swimming.

How did Oedipus convince his mom to have sex with him?

He 'incested'.

Wife's Campaign

My wife has wasted years campaigning for tampon companies to make sanitary products suitable for the 'larger' lady.

I'm trying to convince her that it's time to just throw in the towel.

How do you convince America to join a war?

Tell them its almost over

I got security cameras fitted outside my house.

Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.

The best thing about Playboy not publishing nudes anymore is that people will now have to try and convince others that they're buying Hustler for the articles...which are usually about people peeing on each other.

Why is it really hard to convince Egyptians?

Because they all live in de-nile...

Sleeping with prostitutes is like

making your dog dance with you on it's hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it too.

As a child I wanted to be a personal trainer but I ended up as a politician.

At least I still convince absolute idiots that change is being made.

Why did man invent curling?

To convince women sweeping was a sport.

I got jury duty next week

My duty is to convince the jury that I didn't do it.

I tried to convince the grape that she had dried out...

But I just couldn't raisin with her.

I'll see myself out.

I knew I could convince my wife to get an Abortion...

All she needed was a shove in the right direction... and a set of stairs.

What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream?

Are you surebert?

I'm not convinced faith can move mountains, but I know what it can do to skyscrapers.

(Come on, it's been 15 years.)

I've decided to get help with my drug habit.

I've managed to convince some friends to give me bulk discounts.

I don't understand Facebook.

If I wanted to convince complete strangers that my life was better than theirs I'd become a rapper.

I'm convinced that my wife is cheating.

She swears it's just skill.

I run a suicide hotline.

A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor.

He must've confused me with the *anti*-suicide hotline.

What do you get when you convince a gorilla to have sex with a pig?

Fired from the zoo, apparently.

A man asks a woman:

"-Did you know that laughter is second best way to convince a girl to have sex with you ? "

"-Really, what is the first ?"

"-A knife."

"-Hahaha, you're so funny !"

"-Good choice."

My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

I have often wanted to drown my sorrows...

I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.

I convinced my girlfriend to get over her fear of skydiving...

Her funeral is on Tuesday.

My mechanic tried to convince me that my car needs new brakes

But I know that it would just slow me down.

What's the worst part about having a crush on a Christian girl?

Having to convince two Fathers to let you date her.

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"

How do you solve climate change?

Convince Republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

How to solve Global Warming:

Convince republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

Why aren't there many female football teams?

Because you can't convince 11 women to wear the same clothes

Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it.

Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.

I convinced a bunch of people to blow themselves up on the street. Don't believe me?

Come c4 yourself.

My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn't inappropriate,

but I saw right through it.

It's well known that men can read maps better than women.

But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

Party is like a marriage

If you have to convince other to do it with you then its probably not fun for them

Subway

The company that managed to convince people that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

How math, physics, programmimg and philosophy convince that all odd numbers bigger than one are primes...

Math: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime. I'll get the rest of them with induction.

Physics: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 9 measurement error, 11 prime, 13 prime.
I tested enough numbers.

Programming: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime...

Philosophy: 2 prime, 4 prime, 6 prime

My friend Pierre tried to convince me to do drugs with him.

It was really hard, but I managed to resist Pierre pressure.

If someone tries to convince you pigs can't fly

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

I hear it's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods

I've been hearing how easy it is to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods...

It's somewhat more difficult to deter gents.

Edit; I'll show myself out.

My doctor gave me a prescription for daily sex

And my wife is trying to convince me it says dyslexia.

Subway

A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

Dude bet me he could convince me to give him my wallet... and it worked.

I had to hand it to him.

I was convinced the doctors couldn't ever fix my scoliosis.

But as of today, I stand corrected.

Laughter is the 2nd best

Boy:- Laughter is the 2nd best method to convince a girl to have sex..
Girl:- What's the 1st one??
Boy:- A Knife.
Girl:- HaHaHa, you're funny..
Boy:- Good choice

My friends tried to convince me that I'm adopted, but there's no way I am.

I look so much like my fathers.

I feel sorry for school children now

It must be so much harder to convince the teacher that your dog deleted your homework.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Just sit back and do nothing for long enough they will convince it to screw itself.

True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I've already joined the 3 inch club!!!" OUCH!

Your mom is so fat

That yesterday someone tried to convince me she was flat

My friend tried to convince me "whey" is spelled "whfey"

There's no f in whey

Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won't listen.

I've been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast.

Just so she could have a titty tat.

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it's a bit of a stretch

(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

I convinced my son if he didn't try to keep me cool during Summer he wouldn't be written into my will...

Apparently I'm now a bad father simply for wanting some heir conditioning.

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

I'm trying to convince my wife that we should become polygamists.

If we married a housekeeper, baby sitter, and landscaper, we wouldn't have to pay them.

Why is Santa white?

Because that's the only way to convince people to be happy for a guy to come down their chimney while they slept

If you can convince a hooker to make eggs after....

Is she a bed and breakfast?

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

Because men have been trying to convince them that 3 inches is 6 inches since the beginning of time.

A circle trying to convince a deadbeat dad to attend his son's game:

Sir, come for Ence.

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

All you gotta do is go to the nearest pub and find any man called 'Bob', then convince him to marry your mother's sister...

...and Bob's your uncle.

What did the head of WHO say when he was asked, "How did China's president convince you Coronavirus is under control?"

Xi blinded me with science.

A particularly open-minded flat-earther started out on a journey, and decided he wouldn't stop traveling until he found evidence to convince him to change his worldview.

And eventually he came around.

I got pulled over for running a blinking red light. I tried to convince the officer; "hey...

I caught it between the blinks."

A police man finds a couple sitting in the park late night.

Suprised , he asks them what they are doing there .

The man replies that they both are married.

' Then why don't you go home and spend some time there together ? ' the cop asked.

The man replies ' Yeah , but who the hell would convince my wife to allow her ? '

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

I tried to convince my six year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally pee in your pants.

But he's not believing it and still making fun of me.

How do you get a trump supporter to wear a mask?

Convince them to storm the capitol building

I hear that it's easier to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods

but it's harder to deter gents.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

A man thought he was a worm.

A man thought he was a worm. And thus he was afraid of chickens, because, well, chickens eat worms. Obviously.

So he went into therapy. After 6 months the therapist managed to convince him that he no longer was a worm.

And as a final test, he needed to face chickens. Upon seeing the chickens he got scared and hid himself from the chickens.

Upon seeing this his therapist asked "Why are you hiding from the chickens, are you still thinking you are a worm?"

The man replied "No I know I'm not a worm. But do the chickens know?"

My coworker keeps farting and trying to convince me that it was me who did it.

I think he's asslighting me.

I'm an Anti-vax and I don't care what you think.

I'm sick and tired of seeing people who are anti-vax getting bullied on social media. We have good reasons to feel this way and simply bad mouthing us or attacking us is not going to change our mind. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have one again. No chance, no matter what you say to convince me. I've been sucked into that trap before!

They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner. Dyson all the way for me!

I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.

Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.

I did everything possible to try and convince my ex-wife to remarry me.

But she figured out that I was only after my own money.