Convicted Jokes
88 convicted jokes and hilarious convicted puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about convicted that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Convicted Short Jokes
Short convicted jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The convicted humour may include short found guilty jokes also.
- A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
- They Say "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life". Sure enough... All of these felony convictions are making it awfully hard to get a job.
- what's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir,
this is the federal prosecutor's office, informing you that you've been convicted and charged on seven counts of piracy - Less time in prison than he deserved why did the convict get? Because the sentence got mixed up.
- The USA is proud because their Founding Fathers had strong convictions Big deal the founders of Australia had convictions too.
- Did you hear about the Olympic gymnast that was a convicted felon? He was always known for some assaults
- What do you call a convicted felon on an escalator? I'm not sure, but I think it's con descending
- Before his conviction, Aaron Hernandez was a tight end in the NFL. But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver.
- Did your hear about the alcoholic scuba diver? He was convicted of diving under the influence.
- My friend is a man with strong convictions. The main reason is he couldn't afford a good lawyer.
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Convicted One Liners
Which convicted one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with convicted? I can suggest the ones about conviction and guilty.
- Mayweather still has a perfect record At least until he's convicted
- What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys
- If Fetty Wap is ever convicted of a crime... He could change his name to ConFetty.
- My wife and I were convicted of paedophilia The kids are taking it pretty hard.
- Why did the agnostic receive a lighter sentence? He had no prior convictions.
- Why was the electrochemical cell arrested? Because he was convicted of battery.
- Did you hear about the wrongly-convicted banana? Don't worry, he's okay. He won on appeal
- Why did Bobby Shmurda go to jail? He was convicted with second degree shmurder
- What drink can wrongly convict a black man? Tequila Mockingbird
- Why didn't the movie ticket get convicted of both of its crimes? It would only admit one.
- What happened to the fraction when it was convicted? It was drawn and quartered.
- I've done jail time for my love of fruit.. I'm a convicted grapist.
- Why did the idealist go to jail? He had convictions.
- My father had strong convictions. I guess that's why he did all that time in prison.
- Wore an orange suit for the first time today... I stand by my convictions.
Wrongfully Convicted Jokes
Here is a list of funny wrongfully convicted jokes and even better wrongfully convicted puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was the marsupial wrongly convicted? He was tried in a kangaroo court.
Charming Humor Convicted Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about convicted you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean accused jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make convicted pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The valedictorian from my high school was convicted yesterday as an accessory to m**....
Everyone always said he would accomplice something.
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy escape from prision
A man escapes from prison, where he sat for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
However, the only thing he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the young woman on the bed, comes on top of her and kisses her on her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband whispers to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably long in jail and all those years not seen a woman. I saw how he kissed you on your neck. If he wants s**..., do not go against him, do not complain and make him happy. He is dangerous and if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you!
"The young woman replied:" He kissed me on my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, that he really liked you and asked if there was some Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you ... "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was driving by a penitentiary this one time back home, and I saw a group of convicts at the perimeter fence trying to climb over.
The rest were hurrying on this one of them, who appeared to be a midget, and was having some difficulty scaling it.
All of a sudden, the biggest one just picked him up by an arm and a leg and tossed him right up & over!
And as he fell, I thought to myself,"Well, that's a little condescending."
I wanted to move to Australia for a new job
The immigration officer started asking a few questions.
Officer : What is your name?
Me : Joke Teller.
Officer : How old are you?
Me : 22
Officer : Any criminal convictions?
Me : I didn't know that was still a requirement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That's some solid advice!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was Luke Skywalker convicted of r**... ?
He used the force .
Three people are given the death sentence...
They are given a choice, guillotine or rifle for their execution.
The first convict states he will take the guillotine. When they setup and release, the blade gets stuck and the sheriff states "it is not your time, you may go."
The second decides on guillotine as well, the blade gets stuck and they also let him free.
The third says "Well, since the guillotine isn't working, I will take death by rifle."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An identity thief and a r**... get convicted in a poor town...
The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the r**... in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear the one about the woman who climaxed upon learning that her conviction was overturned?
She got off on a technicality.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An escaped prisoner enters a house...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm sick of numbers defining who I am.
* My GPA
* My weight
* My 1st degree m**... convictions
* My grades
* My SAT scores
These things are not who I am.
Apparently the norwegian government pays for you to hire convicts
I guess there are some pro's to hirin a con.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)
What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!
What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!
What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Condescending
A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending". (Say it out loud)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sherlock was convicted for child m**...
A disgusted Watson visited him in prison, and said, "I cannot believe you were caught exposing yourself to a child in high school!"
"Elementary, my dear Watson..."
Colin Mochrie's best joke.
Our top story today: Convicted hitman Jimmy 'TwoShoes' McClardy confessed today that he was once paid to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this might be the only case of a knickknack paddywhack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...
...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.
TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime
Because he's innocent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what's the most heinous crime a t**... has ever been convicted of?
Male fraud.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Did you hear about the politician who sold American w**... to Russian spies?
He was convicted of high treason.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?
A condescending con descending.
While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.
Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
What's the difference between tiger woods and an amateur golfer?
Only one of them gets convicted for reckless driving
I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.
Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Give him what he wants.
An escaped convict broke into a house and t**... a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants s**..., I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After his recent conviction for r**..., two schools stripped their honorary PhD's from Bill Cosby...
It's ok though, Michigan State just gave him another one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is cos(B)?
A convicted s**... offender.
Store Applicant
One day a manager at a grocery store was interviewing applicants to take up a position in his store.
He asks one applicant, "Do you have any experience with stocking?"
The applicant replies, "Yes, actually, I have four convictions for that."
A woman goes to a fortune teller
A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."
Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt...
But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head.
Donald Trump is convicted of treason
His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.
Last Request
Two convicts who were about to be executed, The warden says to the first one, 'Do you have a last request?'
The convict says, 'Yes, I'd like to hear the song Achy Breaky Heart one last time.'The Warden says, 'OK, I think we can arrange that.' Then he says to the second convict, 'How about you?' The second convict says, 'Yeah, kill me first.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.
Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack p**... whack.
Cr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child a**... -
Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Australia should hire WWE wrestlers to enforce sentencing on convicted s**... offenders.
That way we can have Undertaker and Mankind throw Pell in a cell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman is arrested for m**...
He is convicted by an eye-witness acount. He then breaks out of jail and stabs his witness with a baguette. The witness' son sees this and stabs the killer with another baguette.
Vengeance baguettes more vengeance.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man committed a m**..., and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.
He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence
Australian immigration asks...
Friend of a friend was entering Australia, going through customs.
Them: Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Him: I didn't know it was still a requirement!
They eventually did let him in, but they were clearly not happy with him.
A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.
On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.
Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.
They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.
So, they let him go because he was such a poor conductor.
There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts,
and it should be called "Off the Hook".
I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn't vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.
The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.
The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a cop who gets convicted of m**...?
A good start.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Rich man arrested for m**...
A rich man is arrested for m**... finds an Attorney that says
" Rich people don't to jail, You have too much money to go to jail, I'll represent you"
It was long drawn out trial, and when his client was convicted, the lawyer made sure he didn't have any money left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.
The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.
As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.
I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.
Milton, I asked, puzzled, how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?
I was in prison, he answered. You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.
That's not possible, I said. I wasn't even a judge then.
No, you weren't the judge, the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. You were my lawyer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A short man was just convicted of a felony and was going down the stairs with his lawyer and the deputies
His lawyer said, "you should have listened to me, s**...!"
I'm like wow - that's a little con descending.
Driving Questionnaire
A man had recently moved and was filling out forms at his local police station:
Q: Has your driver's license ever been suspended or revoked?
"No, never."
Q: Have you ever been convicted of a DUI?
"Oh yes, lots of times!"
Q: Have you ever been convicted of a driving-related felony?
"Yeah, three of them."
At this point, the officer stopped to ask: "well wait a minute, if you have all of these DUIs and felonies, how come your license has never been suspended or revoked?"
The man responds: "Never got one."
What's the difference between a mumble rapper and a convict...
One of them can finish a sentence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What did it cost the state to give the convicted cannibal his last meal?
An arm and a leg
