Convict Jokes

Following is our collection of mugshots puns and tekashi one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Convict jokes for adults, dirty criminal jokes and clean escaped convict dad gags for kids.

The Best Convict Puns

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.

Last Request

Two convicts who were about to be executed, The warden says to the first one, 'Do you have a last request?'
The convict says, 'Yes, I'd like to hear the song Achy Breaky Heart one last time.'The Warden says, 'OK, I think we can arrange that.' Then he says to the second convict, 'How about you?' The second convict says, 'Yeah, kill me first.'

Recreational tampons...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Less time in prison than he deserved why did the convict get?

Because the sentence got mixed up.

If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)

What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!

What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!

What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!

What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

Why is it so difficult to convict a redneck?

Because they all have the same DNA and no dental records.

Before his conviction, Aaron Hernandez was a tight end in the NFL.

But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver.

Give him what he wants.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.

The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.


A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

- What did they say, Rob?

- Either 3 years in prison or $100.000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

What drink can wrongly convict a black man?

Tequila Mockingbird

A convicted murderer is sentenced to death by the electric chair.

As is customary, the executioners have a priest brought in.

"Any last requests?" asks the priest.

"Yes," says the murderer, "can you please hold my hand?"

Three people are given the death sentence...

They are given a choice, guillotine or rifle for their execution.

The first convict states he will take the guillotine. When they setup and release, the blade gets stuck and the sheriff states "it is not your time, you may go."

The second decides on guillotine as well, the blade gets stuck and they also let him free.

The third says "Well, since the guillotine isn't working, I will take death by rifle."


A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending". (Say it out loud)

What do you get if a convict goes camping?

Criminal Intent.

What happened to the convict on death row who ordered only an ice cream sunday as his last meal?

He got his just desserts

I believe that all convicted rapists should be castrated by the state...

I have no moral or philosophical reasoning behind this belief. I just really need a job right now.

What do you call a?

What do you call a convict walking down some stairs?


A convicted murderer is on death row, and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair. The prison warden asks: 'Do you have any final requests'?

The murderer responds: 'Can you please hold my hand'?

What are Hillary's convictions?

The FBI hasn't announced her indictment yet, but hopefully it will lead to at least one

You know what evidence was used to convict Bill Cosby of drugging his victims?

The proof was in the pudding.

Police are looking for an escaped convict who is 4 feet tall and can communicate with ghosts.

He is a small medium at large.

Judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison.

convict: (whispers to lawyer)

lawyer: my client has requested that you add one more year.

How does a convict say his last words?

With *conviction*.

I saw a convict climbing down a ladder from prison.

As he was coming down he started to curse at me, and then It hit me, I just saw a condescending condescending.

I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

What happened to the escaped convict who fell into a pool of concrete?

He became a hardened criminal.

How did the defendant with ED's court date turn out, despite the #MeToo movement's most strenuous efforts to convict him?

Pretty well actually; they lacked any real solid evidence against him.

Bull Cozby

Im not really sure why it was so hard to convict Bill Cosby... I mean, the proof was in the pudding.

How did the cops know the gender of the convict?

There was a period at the end of the sentence.

The jury asked the peddler, how would you want to die?

The convict answered, overdose my lord, overdose!

I had a good night sleep in the county jail

I am arrested convict

Michael Jackson joke

What do you get if you cross a convict with sandpaper?

A smooth criminal.

There is an abundance of sentence jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 35 funniest jokes and convict puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any incarcerate witze you can hear about convict.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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