Convent Jokes
84 convent jokes and hilarious convent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about convent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready for a good laugh? These classic convent jokes will have you in stitches! From hilarious play on words puns to fun and clever nun jokes, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. So why not take a cobble down the shortcut and visit the friendly nuns at the nunnery? It's time to have a good laugh!
Funniest Convent Short Jokes
Short convent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The convent humour may include short conference jokes also.
- A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments. That has left scientists scratching their heads.
- I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention. It'll be as big as the last two put together.
- Great news! I got the whole plane to myself! The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.
- Lice have become resistant to most conventional treatments. Scientists are scratching their heads.
- I accidentally went to Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca... It was a Wookie mistake
- What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow, Russia? A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.
- Chuck Norris walked into a feminist convention Walked out with a sandwich and his shirt ironed.
- Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.
- Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention! It's going to be as big as the last two years put together.
- What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on? They should allow guns at the Republican convention
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Convent One Liners
Which convent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with convent? I can suggest the ones about congregation and monastery.
- I just flew in from a Ravioli convention. Boyardees arms tired.
- Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
- I just flew back from a Transformers convention And boy are my arms tires
- There is a nudist convention happening in my town I might go if I have nothing on.
- Just flew in from a vehicle weaponization convention And boy are my tires armed
- There's a nudist convention in my town next weekend I might go if I've got nothing on
- A True Nymphomaniac Convention. Everyone came.
- What do you call the line for grilled veggies at a supermodel convention? A barbie queue
- I just drove in from a Transformers convention... ... and boy, are my arms tires!
- How many women does it take. . . to screw in a lightbulb in a convent?
Nun. - The lights went out at a comedy convention And it became dark humor
- Why did they kick the nun out of the convent? She always had a dirty *habit*.
- Why do hipsters only use the microwave? Because they don't like conventional ovens.
- How many members of a convent does it take to change a light bulb? Nun.
- I don't go to nostalgia conventions anymore. They're not what they used to be.
Nun Convent Jokes
Here is a list of funny nun convent jokes and even better nun convent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear the story about the anorexic woman who joined a convent? Man, the chances of that are slim to nun.
- Why was the nun kicked out of the convent? She had a dirty habit.
- How many girls got married at the Convent? Nun
- It hurt to send my woodchucks off to the convent But when they come back, I'll have a badass pair of nun chucks
- What do you call the Mother Superior of a corrupt convent? Nun the Wiser
- A local convent, which had no security system, suffered a kidnapping. No fence, nun taken.
- Why was the young priest frustrated after spending the night in a convent? He didn't get nun.
- what do you call a gathering of nuns a convent-tion
- Why is a convent's percussion section so confusing? It's a co-nun-drum
- Two nuns are riding bicycles back to the convent. The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies, "I know... its the cobblestones."
Gather Around for Heartwarming Convent Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about convent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean conviction jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make convent pranks.
My friend opened a Convent Store the other day.
He invited me to check out his merchandise, but I didn't want nun.
Warm Milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail
nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Nun takes a vow of silence
A woman joins a convent that requires a vow of silence, allowing members only two word a decade.
Ten years go by and the woman tells the head nun, "Room cold." They give her a heater and she goes back to her prayers.
Ten more years go by and she says, "Bed hard." They give her a new mattress and she goes back to her prayers.
Ten more years go by and the woman says, "I quit." The head nun says, "Fine by me. All you've done since you got here is complain."
The Elusive Midget Nun
Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.
The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.
The little Eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?
The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.
The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.
The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don't believe so.
With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little Eskimo, I told you that you s**... a penguin!
So a guy wants to marry a v**...
He adopts a girl, and drops her off at a convent. 18 years later, he goes and picks her up and marries her. On their wedding night, he's getting ready and breaks out some K-Y. The girl says, "What's that for?" The man replies, "You know, so I don't hurt you."
The girl responds and asks, "Why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"
Two Nuns ride back to the convent.
They were riding bicycles and one nun says to the other
"I know a short cut, follow me"
The other one says
"Ive never come this way before"
The first nun looks at her and smiles
"Oh yeah girl, that's the cobblestone. "
Two nuns riding through the garden of the convent...
They giggle, laugh and scream as they ride their bikes over the cobble stone paths. All of a sudden, the window of Mother Superior swings open. She shouts:" Girls! Keep it down, or I'm having the saddles re-installed!"
Don't Despair
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair ~ Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper and wrapped the $100 bill in it Then she got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge w**... of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "*Don't Despair* paid 80-to-1!"
A group of Nuns were enjoying their lunch break...
A group of Nuns were enjoying their lunch break, riding their bicycles around the gardens at their convent.
"I told you 5 minutes ago that lunchtime was over Sisters!" yelled the Sister in charge.
"If you don't stop immediately I'll put the seats back on!"
I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself.
No 'fence.
Nun taken.
The Irish Nun and warm milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
During World War 2, n**... invade a convent.
They yelled: " We are going to r**... every nun in this convent!" Mother Superior pleaded with the n**...: " You can r**... us all you want, but at the end of the hallway there is a room with a 100 year old nun in it. She is very sick and doesn't have long. Please leave her be."
All of a sudden the door at the end of the hall opens, and the old nun steps out yelling: "THE WAR IS ON FOR EVERYBODY!"
What convention do you go to on St. Patrick's Day?
LepreCON.
I'm sorry, I had to.
Did you hear about the fire at the convent?
Nun survived!
There was a convention for lazy-eyed bachelors and bachelorettes. There was a massive turn out: Most of them ended with a perfect mate....
You could say that their eyes crossed in a crowded room.
What's the convention for big-breasted female clowns?
Silly-Con
What's the Primary Directive in a nunnery (convent) ?
Lights out at nine, candles out at ten ...
What Do Nuns Call Air Conditioning In A Prison?
A convent!
Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German t**... plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?
Old habits die hard
Two nuns are biking back to their convent
after a long day out nunning about in the community.
They take a different route than normal, and after a while, one says to the other: "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other replies: "Yes, it must be the cobblestones"
Nuns
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a c**....
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
Physics's convention cancled
Due to unforeseen circumstances.
Two nuns are riding bikes to the convent...
One says, "I don't think I've come this way before." The other nun goes, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones."
A long-awaited prize
So a rich dude wants to have s**... with a v**..., so he puts a girl into a convent until she reaches age of consent.
The big day comes and he's putting some l**... on his dingdong and the girls asks "what's that for?" He replies "so it doesn't hurt going in."
She replies "why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"
Two girls in a Catholic convent school.
One whispers to the other: "There's a contraceptive hidden behind the radiator!"
The other whispers back: "What's a radiator?"
3 nuns were sitting on a bench in the local park
The nuns usually came out here to get away from their convent and get a chance to talk about the attractive men that walked by. This day, however, there was a man who kept watching them from an uncomfortable distance. One of them points him out as he begins to walk towards them. The man is tall, sporting a large trench coat, with long black greasy hair. He walks up right in front of them and undoes his trench coat to reveal a massive e**.... Immediately the first nun looks and has a s**... as well as the second. The third nun tries, but her arms are too short.
100 nuns are in a prayer session.
After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a c**... in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that c**...."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.
Yes, it's possible I miscounted the monks. Yes, it's possible I understated the occupancy level at the convent. But
nun the less...
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
Why is eavesdropping at the Oval Office like watching Sister Act?
Either way, you're gonna hear a con-vent.
I went to an economist's convention
There was no free lunch
There was a nun walking home to the convent.
She had to pass through a forest. While on the trail, a man jumps from behind the bushes and had is way.
What will you tell the Holy Father now Sister? he asked.
I'll tell him I was walking through the woods when a man jumped from behind the bushes and r**... me twice, unless you're tired.
Why did the nun get kicked out of the convent?
She had a bad habit.
A raggedy old nun was walking home ....
.... from the convent one evening, when an old man jumped out of the bushes and had his way with her.
The man laughed and said: "What will you tell the Holy Father NOW, Sister?"
And the nun replied: "I can't lie to the Lord! I must say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes, attacked me and had his way with me TWICE...... Unless you're too tired?"
What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common?
They're both nunchuckers.
Yes lame but it's OC
What kind of s**... happens in a convent?
Nun.
A young Nun
Is doing her chores around the convent with one of the senior sisters. They go into town on bicycles to buy food for the evening meal. On the way back, the senior sister turns down a small alleyway. The young nun says,
I don't think I've ever come this way before.
To which the senior nun replies,
Yes, dear. It's the cobblestones.
The Alzheimer's Convention Was A Flop
Everybody forgot to show up
I had a stealing problem
It was an addiction. I took candy, cash, food. My lowest point was when I stole a dress from a hamper in a convent,
It was a dirty habit.
I once went to a convention about impostor syndrome...
...but I had to leave because I felt like I didn't belong
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."
"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"
"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"
The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
New rule at the convent
Lights out by 10. Candles out by 11.
Why do the Sisters in a convent not trust their gut instincts?
It's usually just nunsense!
A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.
Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.
The first cop shouted What the h**..., man as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.
No offense, the kidnapper responded as he ran away.
Nun taken! the officer reported into his radio.
Two nuns, Sisters Mary and Teresa, are riding their bikes back to the convent from the shops in the old city.
Sister Mary says Up ahead the road is blocked, but if you follow me, I know another route.
Sister Teresa dutifully follows the older Sister as they wind their way through the city streets and down an old lane.
Sister Mary, asks Sister Teresa, do you know this route well?
Aye, says Sister Mary, I take this route often.
I've never come this way before. says Sister Teresa.
It's the cobblestones. replies Sister Mary.
Sister Ann Putting on Weight
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit. On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little f**...!"
Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...
...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".
One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office
"Terrible news, Mother Superior. We've discovered a case of s**... in the convent."
Mother Superior looks up, "Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis."
A convict escapes from prison and holes up in a convent.
He rounds up all the nuns and begins to look them over, saying, "I'll have my way with all of you."
A young novice says, "Please, sir, do what you will to us, but don't harm the Mother Superior!"
Suddenly, the Mother Superior says, "You heard the man! He said ALL of us!"
