Convent Jokes

Following is our collection of nunnery puns and monastery one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Convent jokes for adults, dirty rectory jokes and clean abbey dad gags for kids.

The Best Convent Puns

Two nuns are biking back to their convent

after a long day out nunning about in the community.

They take a different route than normal, and after a while, one says to the other: "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other replies: "Yes, it must be the cobblestones"

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

The Elusive Midget Nun

Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.

The little Eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?

The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.

The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.

The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don't believe so.

With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little Eskimo, I told you that you screwed a penguin!

Nuns

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!

1 nun: Oh, No!

99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....


Did you hear the story about the anorexic woman who joined a convent?

Man, the chances of that are slim to nun.

How many women does it take. . .

to screw in a lightbulb in a convent?




Nun.

So a guy wants to marry a virgin

He adopts a girl, and drops her off at a convent. 18 years later, he goes and picks her up and marries her. On their wedding night, he's getting ready and breaks out some K-Y. The girl says, "What's that for?" The man replies, "You know, so I don't hurt you."

The girl responds and asks, "Why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"

What kind of sex happens in a convent?

Nun.

A raggedy old nun was walking home ....

.... from the convent one evening, when an old man jumped out of the bushes and had his way with her.

The man laughed and said: "What will you tell the Holy Father NOW, Sister?"

And the nun replied: "I can't lie to the Lord! I must say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes, attacked me and had his way with me TWICE...... Unless you're too tired?"

Nun takes a vow of silence

A woman joins a convent that requires a vow of silence, allowing members only two word a decade.

Ten years go by and the woman tells the head nun, "Room cold." They give her a heater and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and she says, "Bed hard." They give her a new mattress and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and the woman says, "I quit." The head nun says, "Fine by me. All you've done since you got here is complain."


What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common?

They're both nunchuckers.




Yes lame but it's OC

A young Nun

Is doing her chores around the convent with one of the senior sisters. They go into town on bicycles to buy food for the evening meal. On the way back, the senior sister turns down a small alleyway. The young nun says,

I don't think I've ever come this way before.

To which the senior nun replies,

Yes, dear. It's the cobblestones.

How many girls got married at the Convent?

Nun

I once went to a convention about impostor syndrome...

...but I had to leave because I felt like I didn't belong

There was a nun walking home to the convent.

She had to pass through a forest. While on the trail, a man jumps from behind the bushes and had is way.
What will you tell the Holy Father now Sister? he asked.
I'll tell him I was walking through the woods when a man jumped from behind the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're tired.

A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.

The first cop shouted What the hell, man as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.

No offense, the kidnapper responded as he ran away.

Nun taken! the officer reported into his radio.

What do you call the Mother Superior of a corrupt convent?

Nun the Wiser

Two Nuns ride back to the convent.

They were riding bicycles and one nun says to the other
"I know a short cut, follow me"
The other one says
"Ive never come this way before"
The first nun looks at her and smiles
"Oh yeah girl, that's the cobblestone. "


A local convent, which had no security system, suffered a kidnapping.

No fence, nun taken.

Why was the young priest frustrated after spending the night in a convent?

He didn't get nun.

Two girls in a Catholic convent school.

One whispers to the other: "There's a contraceptive hidden behind the radiator!"

The other whispers back: "What's a radiator?"

Two nuns riding through the garden of the convent...

They giggle, laugh and scream as they ride their bikes over the cobble stone paths. All of a sudden, the window of Mother Superior swings open. She shouts:" Girls! Keep it down, or I'm having the saddles re-installed!"

Why do the Sisters in a convent not trust their gut instincts?

It's usually just nunsense!

Two nuns are riding bicycles back to the convent.

The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies, "I know... its the cobblestones."

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

A long-awaited prize

So a rich dude wants to have sex with a virgin, so he puts a girl into a convent until she reaches age of consent.

The big day comes and he's putting some lube on his dingdong and the girls asks "what's that for?" He replies "so it doesn't hurt going in."

She replies "why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

New rule at the convent

Lights out by 10. Candles out by 11.

Why is eavesdropping at the Oval Office like watching Sister Act?

Either way, you're gonna hear a con-vent.

Two nuns are riding bikes to the convent...

One says, "I don't think I've come this way before." The other nun goes, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones."

A group of Nuns were enjoying their lunch break...

A group of Nuns were enjoying their lunch break, riding their bicycles around the gardens at their convent.
"I told you 5 minutes ago that lunchtime was over Sisters!" yelled the Sister in charge.
"If you don't stop immediately I'll put the seats back on!"

I had a stealing problem

It was an addiction. I took candy, cash, food. My lowest point was when I stole a dress from a hamper in a convent,

It was a dirty habit.

I went to an economist's convention

There was no free lunch

What's the convention for big-breasted female clowns?

Silly-Con

Why did the nun get kicked out of the convent?

She had a bad habit.

There was a convention for lazy-eyed bachelors and bachelorettes. There was a massive turn out: Most of them ended with a perfect mate....

You could say that their eyes crossed in a crowded room.

My friend opened a Convent Store the other day.

He invited me to check out his merchandise, but I didn't want nun.

The Alzheimer's Convention Was A Flop

Everybody forgot to show up

Yes, it's possible I miscounted the monks. Yes, it's possible I understated the occupancy level at the convent. But

nun the less...

What Do Nuns Call Air Conditioning In A Prison?

A convent!

What's the Primary Directive in a nunnery (convent) ?

Lights out at nine, candles out at ten ...

Did you hear about the fire at the convent?

Nun survived!

What convention do you go to on St. Patrick's Day?

LepreCON.

I'm sorry, I had to.

During World War 2, Nazis invade a convent.

They yelled: " We are going to rape every nun in this convent!" Mother Superior pleaded with the Nazis: " You can rape us all you want, but at the end of the hallway there is a room with a 100 year old nun in it. She is very sick and doesn't have long. Please leave her be."

All of a sudden the door at the end of the hall opens, and the old nun steps out yelling: "THE WAR IS ON FOR EVERYBODY!"

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself.

No 'fence.

Nun taken.

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Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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