The Best 38 Convenience Jokes

A Turkish man stopped by my convenience store and bought a gallon of milk. He comes back in an hour later with the same jug of milk, absolutely furious at me for selling him "bad milk!" I ask him what the problem is and he tells me its all

Kurdled

Cash or check?

A duck walks into a convenience store to buy lip balm. When he gets to the checkout the clerk asks "Will you be paying with cash or check?" the duck replies "Put it on my bill."

So a penguin is driving along one day...

... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.

As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"

A double amputee was brought in for questioning after a shooting at a local convenience store.

Police released the man soon after they discovered he was unarmed.

I robbed a convenience store today, only to find out I accidentally grabbed the cigarillos instead

i was close, but no cigar

A man walks into a convenience store..

A man walks into a convenience store to buy a pack of condoms ..
The clerk asks if he would like a bag ..
He responds "No thanks, she's not that ugly,"

Have you ever seen those "Give a penny, take a penny" things at convenience stores???

that makes no cents

Single airline stewardesses are very lucky...

for their convenience all men are already sorted into different classes.

Did you hear about the prison escape?

Those guys found the convenience of Home Depot delivery really shaves time off a project.

A young woman learned that you can smoke in the rain if you make a hole in a condom and put it over the cigarette.

She goes to a convenience store and asks a middle eastern clerk for a condom. The guy looks at her with obvious disapproval, but does his job. He asks her what kind she wants and she answers,

I don't really care, as long as it fits the camel

Why can't Pakistanis play soccer?

Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store

A black guy walks into a convenience store...

And says, "I'm looking for a job."

The store owner replies, "You're in luck! We have an open position that pays $100,000 per a month!"

The black guy says, "You're joking."

The store owner says, "Well, you started it."

An old lady pulls out a condom with a cigarette in it

Her friend asks "Why do you do that?"

She replies "Well it has its benefits...it keeps your cigarettes fresher!"

Fascinated, the friend heads down to the local convenience store and asks the clerk "May I have some condoms please?"

The clerk chuckles but then says "Sure m'am, what size?"

"Well, big enough for a camel that's for sure!!"

What's Helen Keller's Favorite Convenience Store?

Wawa

Today I went to the convenience store

to pick up some condoms. When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?" I replied "No, she's not that ugly"

Dude goes to convenience store and asks for cigarettes, gets one and warning reads " Smoking can cause impotency"

politely asks "Bro, give me the pack that causes cancer"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!

***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

Why do Indian women have dots on their foreheads?

So their husband can scratch it off on at their wedding to see if he won a gas station, hotel, or a convenience store.

When I was 22 I lived a life of crime.

I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.

I robbed four stores seven years ago.

A woman walks into a convenience store...

"I need four D batteries," she says.

The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

A man walks into a convenience store

and he asks the clerk, do you have any helicopter flavored chips? The clerk responds, no, we just have plain.

I've got plans to build the world's greatest convenience store..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert

As they're walking the come upon a convenience store. They go inside to gather supplies for the long journey home.

The brunette says "I'll grab plenty of water so we can have enough to drink."

The redhead says "I'll grab food so we have enough to eat."

The blonde says "I'll grab a car door in case it gets hot, we can roll down the windows!"

A blind man walks into a convenience store with his service dog

He heads down an aisle and pauses, his faithful Golden Retriever by his side. With a grunt he picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging him in circles over his head.

*Wooosh wooosh wooosh*

Bags of chips are flying around and candy bars are falling to the floor, along with a clamorous noise.

The frustrated store clerk yells at the man. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"

"I'm just looking around."

Where does Hulk buy his pants?

At the Plot Convenience store.

Why cant't Indians play soccer?

Because every time they get a corner they build a convenience store on it

A man walks into a convenience store to buy condoms...

Cashier: " That will be $12.60, sir. Do you need a bag?"

Man: "No, thanks. She's not that ugly"

My wife and I decided we do not want kids

If anybody does, please send me your contact info and we can drop them off at your convenience.

A Stretch of Convenience

I asked my yoga friend if she wanted to go to the convenience store with me, but she declined saying, "nah, I'mma stay".

A guy walks into a convenience store and asks "Can I have a can 'o dew?"

Store clerk tells him, "No can dew"

Blind man walks with his dog into a convenience store.

He lifts his dog by the leash and starts swinging it over his head.

Store manager runs over and ask "can I help you with anything!"

Blind man says "no thanks, I'm just looking around."

A single lady goes to the convenience store a buys : 12 eggs, 1L of milk and a can of fried beans.

When she's about the pay, the clerk looks at her and guesses :
\- "You must be single, right?"

The lady, visibly amused and intrigued, asks back how could he pick that up.

The clerk replies :

\-"Because you are ugly as f\*ck."

Where do authors buy their Deus Ex Machinas?

At the convenience store!

A man wins big...

*pardon if this is a repost*

A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.

When he arrives, he asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replies "I'd take half the money and leave you."

"Great! I just won $200 tonight, here's $100 -- enjoy your half."

A young man walks into a convenience store

He opens up the beer cooler and grabs a six pack. An old man standing next to him gives him a look, and the young man says "how much do you want to bet they'll sell me this beer even though I'm not twenty-one?" The old man says "they even check MY ID here. Twenty bucks."

"You're on." The young man says as he walks up to the cashier. Much to the old man's dismay, the young man shows his ID and pays for the beer.

"How? How did they sell you that if you're not twenty-one?" The old man asks.

The young man puts out his hand and says "That's easy, I'm twenty-two."

After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to go on to next line.

Then immigration officer ask me where I come from & my name and I tell him, " I am from Korean and my name is Sam Ting!"

Dalai Lama joke

The Dalai Lama gets a job in convenience store.
A customer buys 3 bottles of water and gives him a $100 bill.

Dalai Lama: Thank you come back again.
Customer: Wait, where's my change?
Dalai Lama: Son, change comes from within.