Control Jokes

194 control jokes and hilarious control puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about control that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Humor can be found in all aspects of life. This article explores the funny side of control. Get ready to laugh out loud as you read about control freak, control towers, control systems, control alt delete, control engineering, control groups, mind control, pest control, and more, and learn how to use them for comedic effect. Find out how to use humor to govern and command with dominance!

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Short Control Jokes
Control One Liners
Birth Control Jokes
Remote Control Jokes
Mind Control Jokes
Gun Control Jokes
Control Freak Jokes
More Control Jokes

Funniest Control Short Jokes

Short control jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The control humour may include short managed jokes also.

Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"
I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.
What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.
Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific? Me: Simba
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory At first I just wasn't putting in enough shifts, then I couldn't keep the space clean and finally I lost control
A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting.
classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Time for a new keyboard.

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Control One Liners

Which control one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with control? I can suggest the ones about handle and monitor.

V Sorry lost control there
I won't control what you do on the internet but Theresa May
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut
What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic? The control group.
Help! My husband's too controlling!
Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.
There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired Because she couldnt control her pupils.
What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality
When talking about opinions on border control, Remember: Lefty loosey
Righty tighty
V Looks like I've lost control
I don't see how anyone could be against birth control. It's just inconceivable
If you miss your ex Steady aim, control breathing, and fire again
I hate people who take drugs... Especially border control.
Why can't people with a lazy eye be teachers? They can't control their pupils!
I can control sheep by just listening to them It's true, I heard them with my own ears

Birth Control Jokes

Here is a list of funny birth control jokes and even better birth control puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control .... we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.
What do hipsters use for birth control? Their personalities
Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life. Birth control.
If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.
If contraception is birth control... ... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.
what does t'chala use as birth control ? wakondoms
What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control? Parents
I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

Remote Control Jokes

Here is a list of funny remote control jokes and even better remote control puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my universal remote control did not in fact control the universe.
Not even remotely.
The man who invented the remote control has sadly died. His body was found down the back of the sofa.
Why will button controlled remotes always be better than voice command? It goes without saying.
My remote control batteries died out today. So I gave them away, free of charge.
It was a sad day when I discovered… my new Universal Remote Control does not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The man who invented the remote control has died They found him at home, between his couch cushions.
The man who invented the TV remote control died... He's going to be buried between two couch cushions.
I've noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It's nothing but period drama.
What is the pinnacle of laziness? Having a remote control for your remote control.

Control joke, What is the pinnacle of laziness?

Mind Control Jokes

Here is a list of funny mind control jokes and even better mind control puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Have you guys seen this new air freshener that works on mind control? It makes scents when you think about it.
I heard they're making a mind controlled air freshener It makes scents when you think about it
Did you guys hear about the new mind-controlled air freshener? It's a great idea! I mean, it makes scents when you think about it.
The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener. It makes scents if you think about it.
Amazon just released an oil defuser that works like Alexa but 100% controlled with your mind!! It makes scents when you think about it..
Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals. Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--
Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
I am looking for investors for my new mind controlled air freshener. When you think about it, it makes scents.
Did you hear about the mind-controlled air freshener? If you think about it, it makes scents.
Did you hear they're making mind control air fresheners? Makes scents if you think about it
Did you all hear about the mind controlled air-freshener that Febreze is developing? It's a bit crazy, but it makes scents when you think about it.

Gun Control Jokes

Here is a list of funny gun control jokes and even better gun control puns that will make you laugh with friends.

We need to have a conversation about gun control. Alright, shoot.
What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns? I think he would be most strict on nail gun control.
(Credit to Taylor on PKA)
Why do Democrats push for more gun control? Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.
What do you call a sentry gun that can't control its body? Tourrette
Perfect solution to make the Right want gun control... Rename schools to uteruses so they'll care about kids dying there.
There's generally 2 sides to any gun-control debate The Trigger-happy and the
T R I G G E R E D
Why don't Republican politicians introduce stricter gun control bills? Because it's easier for the NRA to write no changes. on the memo line of their donation cheques.
Gun control is very similar to any Muslim It doesn't fly with me.
I asked a Republican about gun control... He said, "It's bad to politicize today's tragedy! It's too soon to discuss last week's tragedy. It's a bit late to discuss last month's tragedy."
I believe in gun control... ...as long as it's with two hands.

Control Freak Jokes

Here is a list of funny control freak jokes and even better control freak puns that will make you laugh with friends.

A control freak has 5 kids, how many of them does it take to change a light bulb? There's no point in trying, none of them can change anything.
Knock Knock Q: Who's there?
A: Control Freak.
Q: Con...
A: Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?"
Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak. Right as they start to say "control freak who?" You quickly cut them off and say "next you're supposed to say control freak who!"
Knock knock Who's there
Control freak..... Now you say control freak who
Knock knock Who's there?
A control freak
Contr...
Okay, now you say control freak who?
control freak me: knock knock
you: whos there?
me: control freak.....now this is the part where you say "control freak who?"
What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak.
My wife freaked out when I opened the door for her She was screaming that I was losing control of the car
I'm not a control freak. But let me show you the right way to do that.
I hate control freaks. They never listen to me.

Amusing Control Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

What funny jokes about control you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean console jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make control pranks.

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

Impact of a job change.

A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link

I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened

My boss phoned me today...

My boss phoned me today. He said
"Is everything OK at the office?"
I said "It is all under control.
" It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take
a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor" he asked.
I said "Of course, What is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the
f**... behind you."

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."

Police Lineup

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger should open a pest control business.

He's already an ex-terminator.

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Mafia florists

Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK...

The immigration officer asks: Occupation? The Israeli says: No. I'm just visiting."

Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "

A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy

And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is s**... active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"

Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins?

She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

What's the difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong Un?

Kim Jong Un has control over his country.

Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.

I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?

Love Story

I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu

My s**... desires have been getting out of control...

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and c**... into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...
"Oh the Humanities!"

Ireland's population is out of control

It keeps Dublin and Dublin

Two biologists get married and have twin girls.

They name one Jessica and the other Control.

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled '**...''!
The room took three hours to clean.

No end in sight...

I can't see an end.
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.
Time for a new keyboard.

Obama calls for greater truck control laws.

Apparently the the truck in France had a fully automatic transmission.

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

An english boat is sinking near the German coast

The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".
The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"

I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.

I should get a new keyboard.

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"

Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

She didn't have control of her pupils

A man is riding in the back of a taxi...

and the taxi driver is silent and concentrated on the road. Wanting to ask a question, the man taps the driver on the shoulder and says "Hey, buddy!" The driver screams and loses control of the taxi and crashes into a pole. The man says "Wow I didn't know me tapping you would scare you so much!" The driver replies, "It's not you're fault. This is my first day driving a taxi... last 20 years I drove a hearse!"

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

TIL DNA was supposed to be a line

But things spiraled of control

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews?

Crews Control.

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."
The Mexican replied, "Scissors."
The border control officer replied,"d**...! Well, you're free to go!"

My friends and I experimented with s**... in high school...

I was the control group

What is the best drug to have s**... on?

Birth control.

If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A s**....

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his f**.... A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own f**....
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.
Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter s**... active?"
The man replies, "s**... active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."

I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.

Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.

Two blondes were walking through the park digging holes and filling them up again.

One of them would dig the holes, and the other would fill them up. One man couldn't control his curiosity and asked the blondes why they were digging and filling holes pointlessly, to which one replied:
"Well, there was supposed to be another one of us planting saplings before we fill the holes, but she couldn't come so we'll have to make do without her."

My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her.

It almost made me lose control of the car.

I rearranged my keyboard today

Now everything's under Control

So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday

So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.
The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks, Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"
The Brit responds, Right, so that's still a requirement?"

A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.

Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so s**... I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.

Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your p**..., she said what about the smell?

I said, well if it dies it dies...

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

What do you get when you mix l**... and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"
Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be f**... driver for 25 years.