Controlling Wife Jokes
46 controlling wife jokes and hilarious controlling wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about controlling wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Controlling Wife Short Jokes
Short controlling wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The controlling wife humour may include short nagging wife jokes also.
- My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control .... we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
- My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control. I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?
- My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her. It almost made me lose control of the car.
- Robinhood and my wife have a lot in common... They both like to take control of my money without my say in it
- My wife told me my drinking has been out of control lately. I said "Honey, don't be dramatic. I don't even remember the last time I blacked out."
- My wife said she wants to experiment more in the bedroom Unfortunately, it looks likeI'm in the control group.
- I've noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It's nothing but period drama.
- Corona is like your wife Initially you try to control it, but then you realise you can't and then try to live with it.
- My wife freaked out when I opened the door for her She was screaming that I was losing control of the car
- What did the police man say when he arrested the remote control that beat up his wife? 'I charge you with battery'
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Controlling Wife One Liners
Which controlling wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with controlling wife? I can suggest the ones about jealous wife and bad wife.
- I'm going to divorce my controlling wife When she lets me.
Controlling Wife Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about controlling wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crazy wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make controlling wife pranks.
A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...
A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...
"Doc,' he says, 'I really can't help it, but I've been having this problem with these silent farts for a long time now. In fact, the other day, the wife and I were having dinner with neighbors and quite a few slipped out. I mean, yeah, they were silent, but the smell was just awful. They stank up the room! And I know that everyone knew that the smell was coming from me. I was mortified. I can't control it. It's a real problem. In fact, Doc, even in these few minutes I've been talking to you, I've let several of these silent emissions go. I really need help."
"No problem," says the doctor, "the first thing we're gonna have to do is get your hearing checked."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys in the pub...
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy s**... of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an engaged couple...
talking to a priest about the possibility of getting married in his church.
"You two look like fine young lovers, and I would be happy to marry you, but first you must prove your loyalty to one another by abstaining from s**... for a month."
The couple agreed and they all planned to meet up again in a month.
The first two weeks went by without incident, but during the third week, the young man returned to the priest.
"I'm so sorry, I failed to control my desires and I could not remain abstinent. My wife dropped a paint can and bent over to pick it up and , unable to resist any longer, I had my way with her right then and there. I'm terribly sorry."
"That's alright, my son" the priest said. "We are not infallible and we sometimes make mistakes. There is no harm done."
The man sighed and said, "well other than the fact we're banned from Home Depot for life now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dude suddenly found out that his wife was having an affair..
.. but before he could talk about it with her she suddenly died in a freak accident. As the person with whom she was having the affair was a neighbourhood guy, the husband also invited him at the f**... ceremony.
At the ceremony the husband somehow was in control of himself but the lover was inconsolable and finally broke down completely. The husband could not contain himself any further, he went to the guy, patted him on the shoulder, hugged him, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Don't worry mate, I am going to marry again soon."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes
Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...
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An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."
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The nurse told Ole to s**... to the waist. So he took off his pants.
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Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.
Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."
However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became a**... when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.
"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."
"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."
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Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.
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Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."
"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."
"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.
"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"
"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"
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A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
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Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.
My first joke I ever came up with by myself (I think)
Me and my wife have been together for a long time. People always ask me what the secret is, and I tell them control, shift, N.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men compare how they control their wives...
Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "
Birth Control
My wife and I had seven kids. We tried using birth control pills, but they kept falling out.
The Two Gates of Heaven
When men go to heaven there are two gates which they can choose from. The first is labeled "Men who are controlled by their wives" then other labeled "Men who control their wives".
The first gate had thousands of men waiting to enter, while the second gate only had 1 man in line. When God came to check on the lines he approached the one individual standing in the "Men who control their wives" line and asked: "Why are you the only man standing here?"
The man replies: "I don't know my wife told me to stand here"
Annoying husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A women is cheating on her husband we she hears him returning. "Quick hide!"
The man desperately darted around the room looking for somewhere to hide. Before he could find a good hiding space it was too late, the husband was already making his way up the staircase. Losing all hope the man hid in the bathroom. As soon as the husband arrived in the room he told his wife he going to have a shower, before she could stop him he had swung open the bathroom door, exposing the cheater. He was looking all over the room up, and down. "Who are you?!" asked the husband. "Pest Control", replied the man. "Pest control?!" "for what pests?" "Moths", replied the man. "Then why are you n**...?" The n**... man patted himself up and down, starred back and said "the b**...!"
My angry wife controls everything. She even said I had to stop eating candy at work...
... so I had to fire her
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.
One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.
That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his armpit and flatten it into a patty.
My uncle was absolutely disgusted as they had hamburgers every Thursday for his 2 year deployment. While he was curled over a trash can trying to control his stomach the chef pipes up:
"If you think that's bad you oughta be here the day we make donuts"
My wife bought a new dress and asked me if it made her look fat
I said, "Of course not, honey. It's not the dress. It's your lack of discipline and self-control."
My wife told me she wants to experiment in the bedroom.
Apparently, I got put into the control group.
A group of wives go on a bus trip
A group of wives go on a bus trip.
It was a rainy day. So, while driving over a bridge, the driver lost control over the bus and the bus fell into the river.
All women died in the accident.
The next day, their husbands came to the bridge to mourn for their dead wives.
After a few hours, all men but one left.
Another man, who was puzzled about thios man's behaviour, came back a couple hours later to ask the man why he was still mourning.
He replied: "It's not like that... it's just... my wife... she missed the bus!"
Control Over Your Wife
Three men were sitting at a bar. Two of them were boasting about their control over their wives, while the third one remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two men were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
'She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub talking about birth control.
The Protestant says to the Catholic, "My religion allows me to use a c**... when I make love to my wife but yours does not. Yet I've got 14 children and you have only 2. How can this be?"
The Catholic replies, "It's quite simple, I have s**... during the safe times of the day."
"And when is that ?" asks the Protestant.
"When you're at work." replies the Catholic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.
Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so s**... I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your p**..., she said what about the smell?
I said, well if it dies it dies...
A friend calls his engineer friend
A friend calls his engineer friend. What are you doing? He asks. The engineer answers "I'm in the middle of the project hydro thermal behavior of porcelain glass and metals under a controlled high-pressured environment". I am not sure I understand, can you explain it in plain language?. And the engineer answers "I'm washing the dishes and my wife is watching me"
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...
Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!
A husband asks his wife, "You never argue when I get mad at you. How do you always control your anger?"
"I clean the toilet."
"How does that help?"
"I use your toothbrush."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say not having s**... is the best form of birth control
Well i've tried it and my wife still had a baby...
I lost my job, my wife, my apartment. But I didn't care.
I just kept on skipping through the meadows, cavorting in the fields. My gamboling addiction was out of control.
biometric test
*When your wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks, Dear, do you have any women in your life other than me ?*
*Remember your answer is not important at this time, what is important is your heartbeat. Keep your heart in control, Don't panic. It's just your biometric test.?*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me whether I experimented with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.
I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.
The other day a mysterious package appeared on my doorstep.
Upon further inspection, I realized it was a large bowl-shaped object with two knobs that controlled the outflow of a liquid. I stood on the doorstep and yelled to my wife to come and look. She told me she had ordered it for the bathroom.
Let that sink in.
The resemblance was uncanny!
A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.
The man's face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.
Are you okay? Whats the matter? begged his wife.
He managed to get control of himself. For a minute there, you sounded like my ex-wife.
Your ex-wife? the woman exclaimed. You never told me that you were married before!
I wasn't, he said.
Move to the left!
"A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".
All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.
The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked," How come your wife can't control you?"
The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move".
My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs…
If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
Not even sushi is safe.
Wife and I were having sushi, she ordered a rainbow roll and asked if I wanted piece
I told her I would have the piece on the end... Just for the Halibut.
I was impressed at how well she controlled the impulse to stab me with the chop sticks.