Control Jokes
190 control jokes and hilarious control puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about control that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Humor can be found in all aspects of life. This article explores the funny side of control. Get ready to laugh out loud as you read about control freak, control towers, control systems, control alt delete, control engineering, control groups, mind control, pest control, and more, and learn how to use them for comedic effect. Find out how to use humor to govern and command with dominance!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Control Short Jokes
Short control jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The control humour may include short managed jokes also.
- Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
- A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting" - I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.
- What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.
- First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific? Me: Simba
- A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting. - classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days." - I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Time for a new keyboard.
- My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'. Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
- Two biologists get married and have twin girls. They name one Jessica and the other Control.
Share These Control Jokes With Friends
Control One Liners
Which control one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with control? I can suggest the ones about handle and monitor.
- V Sorry lost control there
- I won't control what you do on the internet but Theresa May
- moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut
- What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic? The control group.
- Help! My husband's too controlling!
- Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.
- What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality
- When talking about opinions on border control, Remember: Lefty loosey
Righty tighty - I don't see how anyone could be against birth control. It's just inconceivable
- If you miss your ex Steady aim, control breathing, and fire again
- I can control sheep by just listening to them It's true, I heard them with my own ears
- I rearranged my keyboard today Now everything's under Control
- What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.
- So I stopped a woman from getting kidnapped today It took a lot of self control though
- What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews? Crews Control.
Birth Control Jokes
Here is a list of funny birth control jokes and even better birth control puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control .... we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
- Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
- When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life. Birth control.
- If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.
- If contraception is birth control... ... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.
- what does t'chala use as birth control ? wakondoms
- I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
- Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method. But Han shot first.
- What do you call couples who use the rhythm method for birth control? Parents.
- My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control. I told her it's because it's child-proof.
Remote Control Jokes
Here is a list of funny remote control jokes and even better remote control puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"
- It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my universal remote control did not in fact control the universe.
Not even remotely. - The man who invented the remote control has sadly died. His body was found down the back of the sofa.
- Why will button controlled remotes always be better than voice command? It goes without saying.
- My remote control batteries died out today. So I gave them away, free of charge.
- I've noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It's nothing but period drama.
- What is the pinnacle of laziness? Having a remote control for your remote control.
- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
- did you hear about the remote control that went to jail. apparently he was charged with battery
- Why did the T.V. break up with the remote? She thought he was too controlling.
Mind Control Jokes
Here is a list of funny mind control jokes and even better mind control puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you guys seen this new air freshener that works on mind control? It makes scents when you think about it.
- The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener. It makes scents if you think about it.
- Amazon just released an oil defuser that works like Alexa but 100% controlled with your mind!! It makes scents when you think about it..
- Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals. Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--
Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! - I am looking for investors for my new mind controlled air freshener. When you think about it, it makes scents.
- I've discovered I have the power to control minds Just mine so far.
- I mind controlled a guy to get me something at an auction Now he does my bidding
- Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey... Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.
- At first I didn't understand how to use my mind-controlled air freshener But after thinking about it for a while, it finally made scents.
- I heard researchers developed a mind control perfume.... It makes a lot of scents when you think about it
Gun Control Jokes
Here is a list of funny gun control jokes and even better gun control puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- We need to have a conversation about gun control. Alright, shoot.
- What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns? I think he would be most strict on nail gun control.
(Credit to Taylor on PKA) - What do you call a sentry gun that can't control its body? Tourrette
- There's generally 2 sides to any gun-control debate The Trigger-happy and the
T R I G G E R E D - Why don't Republican politicians introduce stricter gun control bills? Because it's easier for the NRA to write no changes. on the memo line of their donation cheques.
- I asked a Republican about gun control... He said, "It's bad to politicize today's tragedy! It's too soon to discuss last week's tragedy. It's a bit late to discuss last month's tragedy."
- I believe in gun control... ...as long as it's with two hands.
- My music teacher gave a lecture about gun control the other day It was a glock and spiel
- We don't need gun control! Their hasn't been a school shooting in like at least a month
- I live in a country with gun control I don't understand why people in Tshirts think they have the right to bare arms
Control Freak Jokes
Here is a list of funny control freak jokes and even better control freak puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A control freak has 5 kids, how many of them does it take to change a light bulb? There's no point in trying, none of them can change anything.
- Knock Knock Q: Who's there?
A: Control Freak.
Q: Con...
A: Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?" - What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak.
- My wife freaked out when I opened the door for her She was screaming that I was losing control of the car
- I'm not a control freak. But let me show you the right way to do that.
- I hate control freaks. They never listen to me.
- What's a control freaks favorite macro? Control+U
Amusing Control Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about control you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean console jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make control pranks.
Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.
It feels like I'm losing control.
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link
I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pest Control
There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.
I was fired from work at school...
So, due to a minor defect at birth, I was born with Strabismus, and up until last Friday, I was happy performing my duties as a teacher.
Unfortunately, I was fired. My boss told me he couldn't have a teacher in his school that couldn't control his pupils.
What part of Canada do the Inuit control?
Nunavut.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.
Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there h**..., guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
Police Lineup
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Arnold Schwarzenegger should open a pest control business.
He's already an ex-terminator.
What "being a man" is about
A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".
A scientist couple had identical twins...
They named one Peter and the other one Control Group.
Mafia florists
Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK...
The immigration officer asks: Occupation? The Israeli says: No. I'm just visiting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men compare how they control their wives...
Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "
Why was the lazy-eyed man a horrible teacher?
Because he couldn't control his pupils.
Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins?
She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.
I prevented 2 rapes last night...
"How?"
Self control.
People who take tons of photos of themselves
Have no selfie control
This just in!
A truckload of wigs has lost control and tipped over on the highway........Police are still combing the area.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do hipsters use for birth control?
Their personalities
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
What's the difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong Un?
Kim Jong Un has control over his country.
Annoying husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.
I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?
Have you heard about the new Scientologist car?
It's got cruise control...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.
At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and c**... into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...
"Oh the Humanities!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.
He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled '**...''!
The room took three hours to clean.
I've lost all control of my vowels...
Now I'm completely in consonant.
Obama calls for greater truck control laws.
Apparently the the truck in France had a fully automatic transmission.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?
The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
TIL DNA was supposed to be a line
But things spiraled of control
Three Drunks Get into a Taxi
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican attempts to pass the border
A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."
The Mexican replied, "Scissors."
The border control officer replied,"d**...! Well, you're free to go!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friends and I experimented with s**... in high school...
I was the control group
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the best drug to have s**... on?
Birth control.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?
A s**....
Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders
Apparently, his saving really got out of control!
A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might
The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."
A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".
She replies "where do you get the self control?"
When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.
Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.
He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.
Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter s**... active?"
The man replies, "s**... active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."
I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.
Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.
Two blondes were walking through the park digging holes and filling them up again.
One of them would dig the holes, and the other would fill them up. One man couldn't control his curiosity and asked the blondes why they were digging and filling holes pointlessly, to which one replied:
"Well, there was supposed to be another one of us planting saplings before we fill the holes, but she couldn't come so we'll have to make do without her."
I once had a job in quality control at a toy factory.
I had to give Elmo two test tickles.
My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her.
It almost made me lose control of the car.
A guy's boss who is traveling calls him and asks, "Is everything okay at the office?"
"Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Of course, what is it?"
"Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If my life was a s**... position it would be reverse c**...
Because noone will look me in the eye and I'm not in control
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses.
.
.
He ^could ^^control ^^^c
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.
Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so s**... I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your p**..., she said what about the smell?
I said, well if it dies it dies...
After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.
I deleted the app.
