Control Jokes

Following is our collection of dominance puns and settings one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Control jokes for adults, dirty speed jokes and clean redneck birth control dad gags for kids.

The Best Control Puns

V

Sorry lost control there

My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.


What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn't putting in enough shifts, then I couldn't keep the space clean and finally I lost control

A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him

"Occupation?"

German: No just visiting.

Help! My husband's too controlling!

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"


Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."


The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"


"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.

Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm aΒ gynecologist.

My sexual desires have been getting out of control...

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

Two biologists get married and have twin girls.

They name one Jessica and the other Control.

There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired

Because she couldnt control her pupils.


If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A swallow.

My friends and I experimented with sex in high school...

I was the control group

Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins?

She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.

I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.

Have you tried birth control?

I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!

Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?

I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!

Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?

I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

What is the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control.

Two blondes were walking through the park digging holes and filling them up again.

One of them would dig the holes, and the other would fill them up. One man couldn't control his curiosity and asked the blondes why they were digging and filling holes pointlessly, to which one replied:

"Well, there was supposed to be another one of us planting saplings before we fill the holes, but she couldn't come so we'll have to make do without her."

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

What does a violin player use as birth control?

Their personality

No end in sight...

I can't see an end.Β 
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

When talking about opinions on border control, Remember:

Lefty loosey
Righty tighty

I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.

I should get a new keyboard.

What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

North Korea is handling Covid surprisingly well

Last week 9/10 doctors said Covid-19 was under control,



This week the stat went up to 9/9!

My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.

I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?

Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link

I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened

V

Looks like I've lost control

I don't see how anyone could be against birth control.

It's just inconceivable

Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

Feminist have invented a new form of birth control that kills any sperm with a Y chromosome.

It's called sonblock.



First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.

If you miss your ex

Steady aim, control breathing, and fire again

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered

"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.

"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.

Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.

An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK...

The immigration officer asks: Occupation? The Israeli says: No. I'm just visiting."

A man is riding in the back of a taxi...

and the taxi driver is silent and concentrated on the road. Wanting to ask a question, the man taps the driver on the shoulder and says "Hey, buddy!" The driver screams and loses control of the taxi and crashes into a pole. The man says "Wow I didn't know me tapping you would scare you so much!" The driver replies, "It's not you're fault. This is my first day driving a taxi... last 20 years I drove a hearse!"

Why can't people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can't control their pupils!

Impact of a job change.

A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop

The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"

Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"

Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs

What's the difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong Un?

Kim Jong Un has control over his country.

In Ancient Greek mythology, Chiron was a half-horse, half-human doctor.

He was the Centaur for Disease Control.

I can control sheep by just listening to them

It's true, I heard them with my own ears

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.

The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

A taxi passenger

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

I rearranged my keyboard today

Now everything's under Control

A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.

Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter sexually active?"

The man replies, "Sexually active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."

Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

She didn't have control of her pupils

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

An english boat is sinking near the German coast

The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".

The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"

Drunk taxi.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The
taxi driver knew that they were
drunk so he started the engine
& turned it off again. Then
said,"We have reached your
destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said
"Thank you". The 3rd guy
slapped the driver. The driver
was shocked thinking the 3rd
drunk knew what he did. But
then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied,
"Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

What does an IT guy use for birth control?

His personality.

What do hipsters use for birth control?

Their personalities

Ireland's population is out of control

It keeps Dublin and Dublin

Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities

So I stopped a woman from getting kidnapped today

It took a lot of self control though

When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life.

Birth control.

My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her.

It almost made me lose control of the car.

What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews?

Crews Control.

You guys hear about the insecure cross-eyed teacher??

Apparently he couldn't control his pupils

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

The man who invented the remote control has sadly died.

His body was found down the back of the sofa.

Mafia florists

Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.

One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.

The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.

"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"

"Yes."

"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"

"I don't see why I would, boss."

Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,

"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."

Obama calls for greater truck control laws.

Apparently the the truck in France had a fully automatic transmission.

TIL DNA was supposed to be a line

But things spiraled of control

Arnold Schwarzenegger should open a pest control business.

He's already an ex-terminator.

A man walks into the doctors office....(NSFW)

...and tells the doctor he would like to put his daughter on birth control. The doctor of course asks how old the daughter is.
The father responds "She's 13".
With a sense of shock, the doctor replies "Is she sexually active?!?!?!"
Without batting an eye the man replies "No.....she just lays there like her mother!"

Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your panties, she said what about the smell?

I said, well if it dies it dies...

A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy

And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is sexually active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."

The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."

The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."

The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.

"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you pussy!' "

My boss phoned me today...

My boss phoned me today. He said
"Is everything OK at the office?"
I said "It is all under control.
" It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take
a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor" he asked.
I said "Of course, What is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the
foursome behind you."

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him Β£10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him Β£20 and gets out.

The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.

Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"

The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

There is an abundance of german air control jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 89 funniest jokes and control puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any the remote control witze you can hear about control.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes