The Best 32 Contractor Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Contractor jokes. There are some contractor bid jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these contractor pentagon puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Contractor Jokes and Puns

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

I had the shingles on my house redone, and the contractor lied to me about his pricing.

I was expecting it for free, he said it was going to be on the house.

Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?

but they hired a government contractor that cut corners

Contractor joke, Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?

I don't like my new job...

I'm an STD contractor. :(

Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house?

He's snowed in.


What did the cancerous contractor say to his apprentice?

Avoid the insulation asbestos you can.

Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land?

Because they really wanted a third's eye view!

Contractor joke, Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land?

How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?

Asbestos he can.

I'm so sorry.

How many Turks does it takes to screw a light bulb?

I tried 80 million contractor and All of them are still promising They are gonna finish the job by the next week.

I recently started remodeling my house and quickly got in over my head, so I decided to get some professional help.

I also hired a contractor to work on my house.

I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those hookers to pee on each other.

He finally paid a contractor

You can explore contractor electrician reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean contractor laborer dad jokes. There are also contractor puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How many contractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll let you know when one of them calls me back.

How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub?

None, it's a union job.

An Indian restaurant hired a contractor to remodel their place...

...They specifically wanted a tan door.

What do you call a scam artist who specializes in farming equipment?

A contractor.

What did the government say to the contractor who thought they won the bid but complained when they found out otherwise?

Did you just assume my vendor?

Contractor joke, What did the government say to the contractor who thought they won the bid but complained when they

What do you call an ex-criminal who solicits his services to farmers to plow their fields?

A contractor

I just found out the contractor that did my electrical work wasn't even licensed.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House


What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

What do you call a protractor that's disagreeable...?

A contractor.

Never hire a Himalayan contractor to work on your house...

I did, and I came home to Himalayan with my wife.

Did you hear about the contractor who abused the offer for a free kitchen counter top?

He took it for granite.

Why did contractor cancel the tunnel project?

The boring was too boring.

How many contractors does it take to replace a light globe?

Two. One to buy the wrong size globe, and another to replace the existing light fitting to suit the new globe.

What was the only suggestion the orc had for the contractor who built his house?

Mordor

What did the nervous contractor say to the hitman outside his door

I..I don't want a..anyone seeing you he..ere. G..Get your ass..ass in here.

Why is Deadpool such a good contractor on "demo day" when renovating old houses?

Because he loves to break the fourth wall.

if a dog was a contractor, what would his specialty be?

roofing

What does the military contractor have for breakfast?

Conflicts.

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.

He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.

"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"

Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the contractor tradesmen jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working contractor installer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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