Contractor Jokes
50 contractor jokes and hilarious contractor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about contractor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready for some laughs with these hilarious contractor jokes! From general contractors to electricians, these jokes are sure to keep you entertained and make you think twice about any forgery on your applications.
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Funniest Contractor Short Jokes
Short contractor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The contractor humour may include short construction worker jokes also.
- How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can.
I'm so sorry. - Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon? but they hired a government contractor that cut corners
- My doctor told me not to make sandwiches myself any more ... ... so I hired a sub contractor.
- Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house's front door? Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.
- Did you hear Daft Punk is partnering with NASA to solicit bids from contractors? They're up all night to get Lockheed.
- Apparently calling people terrorists if offensive now. Ive been told the correct term is government contractors.
- I just found out the contractor that did my electrical work wasn't even licensed. Needless to say, I was shocked!
- Never hire a Himalayan contractor to work on your house... I did, and I came home to Himalayan with my wife.
- The Pentagon was initially supposed to be The Octagon. Unfortunately the contractors cut corners.
- My Italian grandmother just got a stair chair lift, I asked her how she likes it... she said ... "IT DRIVES ME UP THE f**... WALL"
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Contractor One Liners
Which contractor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with contractor? I can suggest the ones about electrician and repairman.
- I had a contractor joke... But I ran out of material.
- What kind of contractors do cannibals like? Seasoned professionals
- What did the contractor say to the impatient customer? We are doing asbestos we can
- Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house? He's snowed in.
- if a dog was a contractor, what would his specialty be? roofing
- How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub? None, it's a union job.
- What do you call a protractor that's disagreeable...? A contractor.
- What does the military contractor have for breakfast? Conflicts.
- Why aren't Tumblr users good farm contractors? Because they always take a fence
- Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House
- What's a Brooklyn contractors favorite dance? Dewalts
- I don't like my new job... I'm an STD contractor. :(
- What was the only suggestion the orc had for the contractor who built his house? Mordor
- Why did contractor cancel the tunnel project? The boring was too boring.
- What do you call a scam artist who specializes in farming equipment? A contractor.
Government Contractor Jokes
Here is a list of funny government contractor jokes and even better government contractor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the government say to the contractor who thought they won the bid but complained when they found out otherwise? Did you just assume my vendor?
Giggle-Inducing Contractor Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about contractor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean consultant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make contractor pranks.
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew
It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.
He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.
"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"
Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?
Because caulk fighting is i**....
We do do windows.
A young woman had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment.
The woman replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those h**... to pee on each other.
He finally paid a contractor
Was driving on the freeway
And over in the fast lane a concrete delivery truck went by and following behind was a contractor in his normal truck. So I pointed it out to the kids in backseat.
Kids asked where they were going.
I replied I don't know but bet when they get there they will have a concrete plan.
The groans were were like a symphony
What is the square root of Pai?
"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"
An Indian restaurant hired a contractor to remodel their place...
...They specifically wanted a tan door.
I had the shingles on my house redone, and the contractor lied to me about his pricing.
I was expecting it for free, he said it was going to be on the house.
What did the cancerous contractor say to his apprentice?
Avoid the insulation asbestos you can.
How many contractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I'll let you know when one of them calls me back.
What was the under-appreciated, often-exploited kitchen contractor's complaint?
I'm always taken for granite!
What do you call an ex-criminal who solicits his services to farmers to plow their fields?
A contractor
I recently started remodeling my house and quickly got in over my head, so I decided to get some professional help.
I also hired a contractor to work on my house.
