Contractor Jokes

Following is our collection of electrician puns and bid one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Contractor jokes for adults, dirty laborer jokes and clean pentagon dad gags for kids.

The Best Contractor Puns

How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?

Asbestos he can.

I'm so sorry.

Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?

but they hired a government contractor that cut corners

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.

He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.

"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

I just found out the contractor that did my electrical work wasn't even licensed.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those hookers to pee on each other.

He finally paid a contractor

Never hire a Himalayan contractor to work on your house...

I did, and I came home to Himalayan with my wife.

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

An Indian restaurant hired a contractor to remodel their place...

...They specifically wanted a tan door.

Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house?

He's snowed in.

How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub?

None, it's a union job.

if a dog was a contractor, what would his specialty be?


What did the cancerous contractor say to his apprentice?

Avoid the insulation asbestos you can.

What do you call a protractor that's disagreeable...?

A contractor.

What does the military contractor have for breakfast?


How many contractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll let you know when one of them calls me back.

What do you call an ex-criminal who solicits his services to farmers to plow their fields?

A contractor

I recently started remodeling my house and quickly got in over my head, so I decided to get some professional help.

I also hired a contractor to work on my house.

What did the government say to the contractor who thought they won the bid but complained when they found out otherwise?

Did you just assume my vendor?

I don't like my new job...

I'm an STD contractor. :(

Did you hear about the contractor who abused the offer for a free kitchen counter top?

He took it for granite.

How many Turks does it takes to screw a light bulb?

I tried 80 million contractor and All of them are still promising They are gonna finish the job by the next week.

Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land?

Because they really wanted a third's eye view!

I had the shingles on my house redone, and the contractor lied to me about his pricing.

I was expecting it for free, he said it was going to be on the house.

Why did contractor cancel the tunnel project?

The boring was too boring.

How many contractors does it take to replace a light globe?

Two. One to buy the wrong size globe, and another to replace the existing light fitting to suit the new globe.

What was the only suggestion the orc had for the contractor who built his house?


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House

What did the nervous contractor say to the hitman outside his door

I..I don't want a..anyone seeing you he..ere. G..Get your ass..ass in here.

Why is Deadpool such a good contractor on "demo day" when renovating old houses?

Because he loves to break the fourth wall.

What do you call a scam artist who specializes in farming equipment?

A contractor.

There is an abundance of tradesmen jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 31 funniest jokes and contractor puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any installer witze you can hear about contractor.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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