Contractions Jokes
56 contractions jokes and hilarious contractions puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about contractions that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Contractions Short Jokes
Short contractions jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The contractions humour may include short cramps jokes also.
- My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
- What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common? They all have *contractions*.
- A woman in labour suddenly shouts out "wouldn't, couldn't, didn't, can't" "Don't worry", the doctor replies, "they're just contractions".
- Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.
- If woman had apostrophes instead of periods, they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
- I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'. And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'. - A woman in labor suddenly shouted........ A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions." - A women in labor suddenly starts shouting, SHOULDN'T, WOULDN'T, COULDN'T, CAN'T Don't worry, said the doctor.
Those are just contractions - A pregnant woman screams COULDN'T WOULDN'T SHOULDN'T CAN'T… The Dr said nothing to worry about, those are contractions .
- A woman in labor yells... "CAN'T! DIDN'T! SHOULDN'T!"
Her doctor says "Wow, these contractions are coming fast."
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Contractions One Liners
Which contractions one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with contractions? I can suggest the ones about childbirth and labor.
- I stepped on a rusty lego the other day... I'm worried I might have contracted Tetris.
- Some people tell me I use contractions wrong ... It's what it's.
- What kind of contract killer has two butts? An assassin
- You should never sign a contract with Wolverine. He has retractable clause.
- A lawyer contracts a cold for two hours. What does he have? A brief case.
- Yesterday was a terrible day for COVID-19. It contracted Trump.
- My friend asked me to stop using contractions... I can't and I won't.
- My wife has a contract to give lectures... It's called a marriage license
- What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear? Hearing AIDS
- Elder Scrolls Joke Yo momma's so fat the dark brotherhood needs two contracts to get her
- I hate the contraction for we will... But I don't want to reinvent the we'll.
- Your momma so dumb.. The brain eating amoeba she contracted starved to death
- My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19 It should have worn its subnet mask
- What is Snoop's favorite contraction? We'd
- Why couldn't the molecule split up? It was in a legally bonding contract.
Giggle-Inducing Contractions Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about contractions you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean labor and delivery jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make contractions pranks.
Woman in labor
A man is sitting with his wife in the hospital while she is in labor with his first child. While in labor, he hears her screaming, "Don't! Won't! Couldn't! Can't! Didn't!" The man then asks the doctor, "Why is she screaming those words?".
The doctor then replied, "She's having her contractions".
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...
I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting s**......
Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.
10 gigs for $80 a month
A lady is giving birth in the hospital...
A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smiles and says: "Don't worry, it's just contractions.".
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
A man goes to a $3 h**...
He contracted c**....
When he goes back to complain, the h**... laughs and says, "What do you expect for $3, a lobster?"
My wife screamed in pain during labor...
"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.
"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"
A woman says to her husband "Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es"
Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."
Credit to /u/Mr_Wilcox
A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
My wife was in labor with our daughter
My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
The concerned father-to-be asked, "Doctor, what's going on?"
The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."
WHO let the dogs out joke.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
A husband died
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
Why do s**... cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.
It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.
A husband died
A few years later the wife died.
As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste.
He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid...
Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies
WHO and Covid 😛
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!
I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.
(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)
Why are Math teachers never sick and English teachers always pregnant?
Because you can always count on a math teacher and English teachers do not allow contractions.
How are you doing? the doctor asked, as his pregnant patient gasped, sweated, and panted in pain...
She could not even get a sentence out, so great was her discomfort:
"I don't!..... [gasp]... can't!......[grunt] ... don't!..... [cry]..."
"Hmmmm. Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart."
My friend just accepted a position as a singing instructor with a decade-long contract.
It's a ten-year tenor tenure.
Did you hear about the new airline pilot contract? You will only have to work on Tuesday!
'some guy in the back raises his hand'
Every Tuesday?
