Contractions Jokes

Following is our collection of abdomen puns and childbirth one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Contractions jokes for adults, dirty pain jokes and clean appendicitis dad gags for kids.

The Best Contractions Puns

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me!

I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?

My wife screamed in pain during labor...

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

If woman had apostrophes instead of periods, they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.


A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

A woman in labor suddenly shouted........

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A women in labor suddenly starts shouting, SHOULDN'T, WOULDN'T, COULDN'T, CAN'T

Don't worry, said the doctor.
Those are just contractions

A woman in labor yells...

"CAN'T! DIDN'T! SHOULDN'T!"

Her doctor says "Wow, these contractions are coming fast."

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

The concerned father-to-be asked, "Doctor, what's going on?"



The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."


A woman says to her husband "Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es"

Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."

Credit to /u/Mr_Wilcox

My wife was in labor with our daughter

My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."

Woman in labor

A man is sitting with his wife in the hospital while she is in labor with his first child. While in labor, he hears her screaming, "Don't! Won't! Couldn't! Can't! Didn't!" The man then asks the doctor, "Why is she screaming those words?".
The doctor then replied, "She's having her contractions".

Some people tell me I use contractions wrong ...

It's what it's.

A lady is giving birth in the hospital...

A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smiles and says: "Don't worry, it's just contractions.".

What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?

They would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions!

I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband!"

My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.


A philosopher says to a linguist...

A philosopher says to a linguist What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? The linguist replied, They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.

5 Tips To Improve Your Writing

1. Contractions aren't necessary.

2. Do not overuse exclamation points!!!!!!

3. Don't be redundant, because it can be boring to read the same things over and over again, just restated.

4. Do not appear condescending to your readers. "Condescending" means to look down upon someone.

5. Do not leave hanging prepositions around.

*Me to my wife in labour*

Me: What's wrong honey?

Her: These contractions are killing me!

Me: Oh I'm sorry, what is wrong honey?

Lady is about to have a baby and she's yelling "can't can't can't!..

...Shouldn't couldn't can't!" the husband is like "no honey you CAN you're strong!" the doctor leans in and says "don't worry about that. She's just having contractions.

Did you hear about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"?

She was having contractions.

Blonde father

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.

One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, All right, who's the other father?

A pregnant lady runs into a hospital

and starts shouting "Can't! Won't! Shouldn't!"

One doctor turns to the other and says "Doctor! What's going on?"

The other doctor, with a smirk, says "She's having contractions."

Why was the pregnant woman screaming "wouldn't, shouldn't, couldn't!"?

She was having contractions.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

Don't worry! The doctor said. They're just contractions.

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, Oh god! The triplets are coming!

One and a two and a three and a!

BLOND FATHER

A blond man and a brunette woman were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital, and she gave birth to two baby boys.
The blond man turned to his wife and yelled, "All right, who's the other father?"

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, Honey, I've started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, Right, I'm here, what do you want me to do now?!

A woman shouts to her husband "Im having contractions!"

Her husband walks over to her and hands her a bag of apostrophes. The woman, relieved, says "thanks, I'm feeling much better now."

Friend: Contractions are overused.

Me: That they're.

How can you tell if your English teacher has gone into labor?

Her use of contractions gets closer and closer together!

Grammer contractions are important

You can't put a you will log on your fire.

"Aren't you the guy who uses contractions incorrectly?"

"Aren't you the guy who uses contractions incorrectly?"

"Yes, I'm."

What was the favorite food of the thrifty Italian who loved contractions?

A pasta free.

There is an abundance of midwife jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 37 funniest jokes and contractions puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any possessive witze you can hear about contractions.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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