The Best 56 Contract Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Contract jokes. There are some contract agency jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these contract deal puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Contract Jokes and Puns

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

A man goes into a casting agents office

with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"

The agent says "Show me."

The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"

The Dog says "Rough!"

The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"

The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)

The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.

The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"

Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Because of his retractable clause.

Contract joke, Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Derek Acorah got sacked from Most Haunted for advertising bio-yoghurt in breech of his contract.

That's what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.

Charles Dickens had writer's block…

He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.

"Olive, or twist?"


Two techies are in a restaurant discussing how to get out of an overpriced hosting contract. As the waitress approaches the table, one emphatically says to the other, "Yes, goddammit, I want the server to go down on us!"

Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...

I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting screwed...

Contract joke, Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...

Why are books about the social contract and demand-side economics so hard to find?

Because they're kept firmly under Locke and Keynes.

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

How did Charlie Sheen contract HIV?

He blew a Piston in his car.

What contract does Mall-Santa sign?

A Santa Clause

You can explore contract hos reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean contract pact dad jokes. There are also contract puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What's the worst disease a chef can contract?


Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled?

Because they have a claus in their contract.

Cam Newton Just signed a contract with McDonalds.

He will be promoting turnovers.

What do you get when two lawyers have sex ?

A Binding contract that you can't pull out of ... Edit And their are no loop holes other than your client having piercings.

How many brits are needed to change a light bulb

None they just terminate their apartment contract.

Contract joke, How many brits are needed to change a light bulb

I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract....

He reckons that many Hans make lights work.

If you need a distraction from the election there is a new American reality TV series starting soon.

It's called The White House. Apparently the lead actor has been given a 4 season contract.

Mexicans WILL build the wall...

Upon contract of Canadian goverment for their owm southern border!

How many contractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll let you know when one of them calls me back.

Why you shouldn't have sexual intercourse with a citrus fruit....

You may contract lemonaids.

How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub?

None, it's a union job.

My girlfriend studies law:

Me - What you reading?

Her - The Unfair Contract Terms Act 1977.

Me - Oh that's cool, anything about our relationship in there?

I didn't get any that night.

My wife has a contract to give lectures...

It's called a marriage license

Good News! I heard that the US government will stop enhanced interrogations.

On a related note I hear that United Airlines has a new government contract.

Pentagon awards new military contract to United Airlines

To forcibly remove Assad

What do you get when two lawyers have sex?

I Binding contract that you can't pull out of!

A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

Why was Wolverine (from the X-Men) fired from the law firm?

Because he forgot to read the contract claws.

Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?

After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.

What do you contract from unprotected sex with a cowgirl?


I was really excited one year when I got the contract to install the cordons around the Olympic Village.

but my wife keeps telling me I should stop telling people that I used to be an Olympic fencer.

I'm a comedian and I just signed a one-year contract with HBO!

I even get the premium channels

"Hey there little boy, wanna try some ether? Hop into my van"

My mommy told me not to trust strangers

"Don't worry kid, this is a trustless smart contract van"

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House

What part of the contract must parents follow while buying Christmas presents?

The Santa Clause.

A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.

It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.

I tried to sue Santa for skipping our house on Christmas

...but he had a clause in his contract that allowed it

Business lessons: Ending your contract with a specialist logistics company in favour of going with the lowest bidder is...

One of the Bidvest mistakes you can make.

I landed a pretty sweet contract designing a server farm in Canada!

But I'm confused why they requested heaters in their server rooms...

What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

How did the Roman contract AIDS?

From a high five

A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

A vietnamese contract killer named Pung burst into a bar and promptly murdered the 10 people inside.

Pung in, ten dead.

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract COVID19. All dogs previously quarantined can now be released.

In short, WHO let the dogs out.

The World Health Organization has declared

Dogs don't contract Corona virus and has ordered all dogs in quarantine be released. So WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

Why couldn't the molecule split up?

It was in a legally bonding contract.

Since I contracted Covid-19 our sex life has been so much better

Seeing as I can't smell or taste.

It's still unclear how you contract coronavirus.

Could it be 'rona?

The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.

It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.

A husband died

A few years later the wife died.

As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

TheΒ World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

On the subject of American independence, did you know that the Revolution was initially viewed as a breach of contract?

They heard that the Americans violated the teas and seas.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the contract charities jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working contract claus piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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