Contract Jokes
96 contract jokes and hilarious contract puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about contract that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of hilarious contract jokes. From lawyers and clients to clauses and amendments, we've got something for everyone.
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Funniest Contract Short Jokes
Short contract jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The contract humour may include short concert jokes also.
- My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
- What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common? They all have *contractions*.
- A woman in labour suddenly shouts out "wouldn't, couldn't, didn't, can't" "Don't worry", the doctor replies, "they're just contractions".
- Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.
- I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'. And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'. - A pregnant woman screams COULDN'T WOULDN'T SHOULDN'T CAN'T… The Dr said nothing to worry about, those are contractions .
- A woman in labor yells... "CAN'T! DIDN'T! SHOULDN'T!"
Her doctor says "Wow, these contractions are coming fast." - The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine. It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.
- A woman says to her husband "Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es" Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."
- Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon. 10 gigs for $80 a month
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Contract One Liners
Which contract one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with contract? I can suggest the ones about consult and deal.
- I stepped on a rusty lego the other day... I'm worried I might have contracted Tetris.
- Some people tell me I use contractions wrong ... It's what it's.
- What kind of contract killer has two butts? An assassin
- A lawyer contracts a cold for two hours. What does he have? A brief case.
- Yesterday was a terrible day for COVID-19. It contracted Trump.
- My friend asked me to stop using contractions... I can't and I won't.
- My wife has a contract to give lectures... It's called a marriage license
- What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear? Hearing AIDS
- My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19 It should have worn its subnet mask
- What is Snoop's favorite contraction? We'd
- Why couldn't the molecule split up? It was in a legally bonding contract.
- What's the worst disease a chef can contract? KitchenAids
- How do you get out of a relationship if your partner contracts Ebola? Wait
- Friend: Contractions are overused. Me: That they're.
- You can never find loopholes in contracts with spacecrafts. They're always airtight.
Clause Contract Jokes
Here is a list of funny clause contract jokes and even better clause contract puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What contract does Mall-Santa sign? A Santa Clause
- Why is Santa considered a trickster? His contracts always have hidden clauses
- Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled? Because they have a claus in their contract.
- I tried to sue Santa for skipping our house on Christmas ...but he had a clause in his contract that allowed it
- What part of the contract must parents follow while buying Christmas presents? The Santa Clause.
- What do you call a part of a contract to allow Christmas presents to be delivered? The Santa Clause
- Why does Santa always have to work today? It's a Claus in his contract
- Why is the Grinch seeking out a contract lawyer? To help get rid of the Santa Clauses
Contract Law Jokes
Here is a list of funny contract law jokes and even better contract law puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend studies law: Me - What you reading?
Her - The Unfair Contract Terms Act 1977.
Me - Oh that's cool, anything about our relationship in there?
I didn't get any that night. - Why was Wolverine (from the X-Men) fired from the law firm? Because he forgot to read the contract claws.
- My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts. Barley Legal
- My company has signed a contract with a new law firm. Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.
Comical & Quirky Contract Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about contract you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trade jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make contract pranks.
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
A man goes into a casting agents office
with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"
The agent says "Show me."
The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"
The Dog says "Rough!"
The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"
The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)
The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.
The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"
Derek Acorah got sacked from Most Haunted for advertising bio-yoghurt in breech of his contract.
That's what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.
Charles Dickens had writer's block…
He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.
"Olive, or twist?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Uptime
Two techies are in a restaurant discussing how to get out of an overpriced hosting contract. As the waitress approaches the table, one emphatically says to the other, "Yes, g**..., I want the server to go down on us!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...
I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting s**......
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Florida man contracts h**... while checking his birthday p**...'s mouth for sores
As meemum used to say, "you shouldn't look gift w**... in the mouth"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If woman had apostrophes instead of periods, they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
Why was the pregnant woman screaming "wouldn't, shouldn't, couldn't!"?
She was having contractions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when two lawyers have s**... ?
A Binding contract that you can't pull out of ... Edit And their are no loop holes other than your client having piercings.
5 Tips To Improve Your Writing
1. Contractions aren't necessary.
2. Do not overuse exclamation points!!!!!!
3. Don't be redundant, because it can be boring to read the same things over and over again, just restated.
4. Do not appear condescending to your readers. "Condescending" means to look down upon someone.
5. Do not leave hanging prepositions around.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why you shouldn't have s**... i**... with a citrus fruit....
You may contract lemonaids.
Guy gets a call from his doctor.
"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.
"What? How?" Guy exclaims.
"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."
"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy laments. "How much will it cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?
They would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions!
In WW I, US soldiers could be court martialed for contracting gonorrhoea.
That's why they call it a "dishonorable discharge".
Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?
After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.
My wife screamed in pain during labor...
"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.
"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"
A philosopher says to a linguist...
A philosopher says to a linguist What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? The linguist replied, They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.
I was really excited one year when I got the contract to install the cordons around the Olympic Village.
but my wife keeps telling me I should stop telling people that I used to be an Olympic fencer.
A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.
It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.
A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says I have two good news for you
The man perplexed but hopeful asks: what's the first good news?
Doctor replies, you don't have AIDS!
The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, then what's the other good news?
Doctor responds, we found a new strain of STD and they're going to name it after you!
A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild
Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?
Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract
Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient
A husband died
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vietnamese contract killer named Pung burst into a bar and promptly murdered the 10 people inside.
Pung in, ten dead.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
A musician goes into labor
To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, Oh god! The triplets are coming!
One and a two and a three and a!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do s**... cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
Grandma made a bet with John that if he didn't eat 25 dumplings, he would clean the apartment
John eats the 24th dumpling, but the 25th is not in the plate ... That's all you need to know about drafting contracts.
Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..
They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.
President Trump has reportedly contracted coronavirus
Finally, something positive about Trump.
Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste.
He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.
Wife is pregnant, due any day.
Suddenly the contractions Start.
"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.
Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"
Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid...
Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking m**...?
The Joint Chiefs of Staph
Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well...
It's what it's.
My teacher told me that I obviously didn't understand contractions.
I said, "I am better at them than you're."
On the subject of American independence, did you know that the Revolution was initially viewed as a breach of contract?
They heard that the Americans violated the teas and seas.
I'm thinking I'm going into labor. I can't, I won't, I shouldn't've.
My contractions are getting closer together.
I hate the contraction for we will...
But at this point I don't want to reinvent the we'll.
Kurdish cunieform tablets
In ancient Kurdistan, they didn't have the material to make the cuneiform tablets they did down by the rivers in the Fertile Crescent, so they had to carve important documents into stone tablets.
That included contracts and treaties. There could be multiple signatories. For an invoice, for instance, it was possible to bill two Kurds with one stone.
Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...
...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".
One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".
Time magazine just contracted me to row a boat for their next cover photo.
I'm Time's new Row-man
My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!
I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.
(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)
We rushed my pregnant wife to hospital last night. She could feel contractions and with everyone ahe was singing "unbreak my heeearrt"
Turns out it was just Toni Braxton Hicks
The CEO of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin.
Mr Putin! I noticed you've changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the colors of your flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you'd put a Coca-Cola logo in the corner, we'd solve all your financial troubles for the next five years.
Putin puts the CEO on hold while he discusses with his generals. Psst, when does our contract with Aquafresh end?
A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"
The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"
Why are Math teachers never sick and English teachers always pregnant?
Because you can always count on a math teacher and English teachers do not allow contractions.
How are you doing? the doctor asked, as his pregnant patient gasped, sweated, and panted in pain...
She could not even get a sentence out, so great was her discomfort:
"I don't!..... [gasp]... can't!......[grunt] ... don't!..... [cry]..."
"Hmmmm. Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart."
My friend just accepted a position as a singing instructor with a decade-long contract.
It's a ten-year tenor tenure.
Did you hear about the new airline pilot contract? You will only have to work on Tuesday!
'some guy in the back raises his hand'
Every Tuesday?
