Contraception Jokes

Following is our collection of contra puns and pregnancy one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Contraception jokes for adults, dirty gel jokes and clean condom dad gags for kids.

The Best Contraception Puns

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer

Anyone got any more?

What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception?


Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks

Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella

Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!

Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!

If contraception is birth control...

... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.

What does a bassist use for contraception?

Their personality.

If they make a new Contra game with the original one as a minigame inside it...

Will it be a contraception?

they help me sleep better

An old lady goes to a pharmacists and orders contraception pills.
"Why do you need them, in your age?" asks the pharmacist.
"They help me sleep better," replies the old woman.
"How is that possible?" asks the pharmacist.
"I put them in my granddaughter's drink and then I sleep better..."

What do incels use for contraception?

Their personalities.

What do you call people who rely on the "safe period" for contraception?


I tried to go for classes on contraception.

But in the end, I just pulled out.

What is the bass players preferred method of contraception?

His personality.

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

What do lawyers use as contraception?

Their personalities

I hear Donald Trump has been endorsed by the Roman Catholic Church

He's called for a ban on contraception. He wants to make America mate again

Saw a new movie the other day...

It was about a guy who dreamt he was a condom.
It was called Contra-ception.

My friend and I had a contest to see who could successfully use the pullout method of contraception the most.

He was winning but then I made a comeback.

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

What does an Engineer use for contraception?

His personality!

Why does putting a stone in a mans shoe make the best contraception.

It will make him limp

List of the shortest books

1. The Australian Book of Foreplay.

2. Contraception by the Pope.

3. The American Guide to Etiquette.

4. Healthy Marriages by the British Royal Family.

5. Consumer Marketing Ethics.

6. Career Opportunities for History Majors.

7. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan.

8. Integrity by Bill Clinton.

9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.

10. What I've Accomplished by Barack Obama.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...


All keyboards have alien contraception.

Space bars.

Withdrawal is not a good method of Contraception

Just ask my third child

The Pope says the rhythm method of contraception works fine

And the results speak for themselves

The best Contraception

There is an abundance of abortion jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 25 funniest jokes and contraception puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any personalities witze you can hear about contraception.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes