Continues Jokes

Following is our collection of Continues funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Continues jokes

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..

"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.

God responds "An arm and a leg."

Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

My grandfather's favorite joke.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.

[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....

It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.

A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.

"Yep! They're finally dead."

Erections happen all the time

A man is about to get a prostate exam from his doctor. Before the doctor begins, he tells the man "I must tell you, during this type of examination, erections happen all the time. They are very common, and trust me, it's nothing to be embarrassed about."

The man seems a little uncomfortable, but the doctor continues, "Now a little less common, is you may get one too."

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...

...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.

A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"

An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

A guy doesn't go into a bar...

Unaware, the bartender continues serving drinks to other people.

[NSFW] a man and a woman are having sex

A man and a woman are having sex and suddenly he stops moving and after a minute he continues. The woman asks "Honey, what was that?" The man explains: "This is a new technique I learned on the Internet: it's called buffering."

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

A man is walking by a prison....

...when he sees a midget climbing out one of the cells at the top of the prison. The midget is climbing down a rope when he turns around and sees the man on the street. The midget flips off the men and continues to climb down the rope.

The man says to himself, "Wow, that's a little condescending."

A drunk Minnesotan decides to go ice fishing

He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."

The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket

A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket. He calls the bartender over and asks for another shot. Again, he downs the shot and looks back in his pocket.

He continues to do this and the bartender finally says, Every time I️ pour you a shot, you down it, look in your pocket and order another. What's in your pocket?

The guy responds, A picture of my wife. When she starts to look good I'll head home.

A man was overly excited to fly for the first time...

As he sat in his seat, he could contain his excitement no longer and began saying "Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!" over and over again.

Irritated, a stewardess comes over to him and says "Be silent!"

The man nods, and continues "Oeing, Oeing, Oeing..."

Four surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.



The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".



The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".



The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."



The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."



The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.



The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

A Man Met a Beautiful Girl in a Bar

and wooed her until he brought her back home for some love making. After an hour the guy asked her "Are you finish?", to which the girl shook her head.

He then continues to make love to her for another hour. "Are you finish?" The girl shook her head again. He then goes on again for another 15 minutes until he's completely exhausted.

He asked her "Are you finish?"

The girl replied "No, I'm German"

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer when another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one, hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts crying horrible. The other man starts to feel sorry for him and says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another" The small man continues crying and replies:

"Just a beer? Then listen to what happened to me today. I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life. I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt. I lay on the railway, dead track. I want to hang myself, rope tears. Now I buy some beer with the little money I have left, pour poison in it, and you drink it!"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

A sad looking man walks into a bar

And orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.

The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"

The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"

This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.

After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"

The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.

A burglar breaks into a house...

He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"

A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes

A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples' souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says, I want to be beautiful . God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man's turn he laughed and said, I wish all those people were ugly again.

A large group of Russian soldiers...

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you moron! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

A man walks into a bar...

and sits down.

There is nobody else in the place except him and the bartender. He orders a drink and the bartender goes off to make it.

While he is sitting there he hears a voice say " Nice shoes". The man looks around and finds nobody around. He shakes his head and continues to wait for his drink.

Right away another voice says " Great shirt". Now the man gets up and gives a quick look around the bar. Still nobody around.

As soon as he sits back down he hears another voice say "Love your hair"

Now the guy is freaked out. The bartender comes back and places his drink down. The guy says " I have been hearing these voices. They were saying things like " Nice shoes, Great shirt and love your hair". I think I am losing my mind!

The bartender gives a quick chuckle as he points to a full pale on the bar. He says " Its the peanuts! They are complimentary"

A farmer walks into his barn with a bucket.

He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and out the udder!"

On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...

*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.


The woman ignores him.


*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*


The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question.


*"What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?"*


The woman hands him $5. Now it's her turn.


*"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"*


The lawyer is astonished. He frantically surfs the Internet, searches his pocket encyclopedia and asks his scientist friends. He finds nothing. Hours later, when finally giving up looking for the answer, he wakes the woman, hands her $50 and asks:


*"So, what is the answer?"*


Without saying a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.




**

A guy walks past a mental hospital

A guy is walking past a mental hospital with a high privacy fence, and can hear some kind of chant going on. As he gets closer, he hears them chanting, "sixteen! Sixteen! Sixteen!"Curious as to what is going on, he notices a small hole in the fence. He walks over and presses his face to it to try and see in, only to get poked in the eyes. The chant continues, "Seventeen! Seventeen! Seventeen!"

What about the mad cow?

A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and
go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp."

The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well."

The waiter, a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?"

The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself."

A man walks into the bar toilet, chooses a cabin, sits on the seat. He sees someone else's feet in the next cabin..

..not minding him and trying to evacuate his bowels, suddenly, the man right next to him says "Hi..". Our protagonist, startled by this totally unexpected awkward salutation responds "hi?"... then the man continues "how are you doing?" our man answers "doing fine, how about you?"... the other man says "what are you up to?" ... our protagonist says "well, I came here to drink a beer after work, and you?"... the other man then says, "sorry honey, I have to hang up. this idiot in the other cabin keeps answering my questions."

Little Jimmy parents want to have some sexy times...

But their house are just a one room apartment, so they tell Jimmy to go out to the balcony, look at the street and tell them what he sees.

I see people are in a hurry, it must because a rain is coming up - says Jimmy.

Uh, yeah, what else do you see ? - asks the father

Well, I see the polices are chasing a thieft, he runs into the far alley and gets caught there. - Jimmy continues his observation.

Ahhh, yessss, Excellent Jimmy, do you see anything else ?

Well, Jane parents are having sex

What, how do you know ? - the father asks.

I see Jane is standing at the balcony and watch the street too.

Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on. A third fly unfortunately finds its way in the room. Quick as lightning the third samurai draws his sword and swings. The fly continues on its way as if nothing happened. The other samurais starts laughing. With quiet dignity he puts his sword away and turns to the and says.

"Laugh all you will, but that fly will never be a dad again."

Elevator confusion

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator together and it stops to let a man on. The man is wearing a business suit and has obvious dandruff flakes on both shoulders. He says hello and gets out on the next floor. The women continues to ride in awkward silence when the brunette speaks up. She says, "Someone needs to give that guy some head and shoulders."
The blonde looks confused and replies. "How do you give a guy shoulders?"

Black Stereotype

A black man meets a pretty white girl at a bar. They hit it off through the night get a little drunk and decide to take a cab home together. When the white girl arrived at her stop she asked the black man to come inside. He does and the fun continues.
The white girl is sitting on her couch next to black man running her fingers along his pants and says in a sexy voice "so is it true what they about black men? I want you to prove it to me." the black man says "okay baby you sure your ready for this?" she says yeah excitedly.
He then stabs her and steals her purse.

A guy is in the front row of a basketball game.....

He is enjoying the game when suddenly someone yells, ''Steve!'' He looks over his shoulder, looks around but cannot see anyone in the mass of 15,000 fans. He continues to enjoy the game. He again hears ''SteveO,'' Now he gets up and looks around but eventually sits back down. He is taking a drink from his beer, then again ''hey steve'' he becomes increasingly upset stand up and scans the the bleachers but nothing. Near the end of the game, he hears ''Steve'' finally he stands up and yells, ''my name is John, Dammit''

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A great cardiologist is being buried. All of his colleagues and fellow surgeons are reunited to mourn his. All except for one man who is laughing. The cardiologist's coffin was in the shape of a heart to honor his career. The man continues to laugh. Finally they ask him why he is so happy at a funeral and he responds "I was picturing my funeral because I'm a gynecologist".

A drunk enters a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth sits down but says nothing

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there, not saying a word.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

To which the drunk mumbles, Sorry, can't help you. There's no paper on this side either.

Cough medicine.

A pharmacist is about to take a lunch break and he says to his assistant, "I'll be back in an hour, keep an eye on things".
Upon his return, he notices a man outside the pharmacy, standing against the wall, clutching his abdomen, obviously in some pretty serious discomfort.
He continues into the store and asks his assistant, "what's with the guy outside?" to which the assistant says "he came in with a bad cold. I couldn't find the cough medicine, so I gave him some laxatives."
"Laxatives??!!" exclaims the pharmacist, "that's not gonna do anything for his cold!"
"Sure it will," replies the assistant "Look, he's afraid to cough!"

The Native American Weatherman

A director is shooting a movie in a desert near an Indian reservation. One day, a native american comes up to him and says "Rain today."

The director doesn't pay much attention, but towards the middle of the day, it rains. The director is now impressed, and instantly hires the native american to predict weather for him.

The cycle continues until the director is about to shoot the most important scene of the film. He asks the native: "What's the weather like today?" He says "Don't know."

"What? What do you mean you don't know?"

"Radio broken."

A physicist walks into a bar

and he orders a beer and turns to the stool next to him and offers it a beer. He finishes his drink and then leaves. The next day he returns to the bar, orders a beer, and offers a beer to the stool next to him before finishing his drink and leaving. This continues on for a week before the bartender finally asks, " Why in the world do you keep offering that stool a beer?" The physicist replies " The laws of physics dictate that there is a slight possibility that at some point the matter above this stool could reform into a beautiful woman, who would then accept the drink." The bartender is puzzled for a second before replying " The bar is full of beautiful women. Why not see if they will accept your drink?" The physicist quickly laughs before saying " Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"

A jew in his death bed and a Rolex

A jew in his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.

In his last moments, the jew takes something out of his pocket, calls his oldest son and says: "Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."

"I see it daddy", answers the son


And then the old men continues, "This watch as with me during my whole life. It first belonged to my father's father, then to my father, and finally to me".

With tears in his eyes, the elder son replies, "It's a beautiful watch with a beautiful story, Daddy"

Finally, the jew with a proud look and feeling accomplished asks, "Wanna buy?"

worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer. Suddenly another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts to cry horrible. The other man who feels sorry for him now says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another"
The small man continues crying and replies: "Just a beer? Then listen what happened to me today.
I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life.
I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt.
I lay on the railway, dead track.
I want to hang myself, rope tears.
Now I buy beer with my last money left pour poison into it, and you take it away and drink it"

A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it continues for a couple of weeks until one day, the biker decides to pay with a 5 dollar bill.

The bartender is relieved to not have to pick up 350 pennies this evening, and she decides to give the biker a taste of his own medicine. She gets 150 pennies, drops them in front of the biker and says "your change, big boy!"

The biker pulls out 200 pennies, drops them on the table and says "another beer, please."

Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!'
'Correct again Claire'
And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question
'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?'
Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out
'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'

A son comes home one day to see his mother...

When he sits down at the kitchen table while his mother is cooking, he calmly tells her, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay"

The mother has no reaction. She just continues cooking.

Again, the son says, "Mom, I am not sure if you heard me, but I wanted to tell you that I'm gay."

Again, the mother has no reaction, and just continues cooking.

The son says again, "Mom, I am gay. Did you hear what I told you?"

The mother stops cooking, walks to her son, and asks, "Does gay mean that you put other men's dicks in your mouth?"

The son tells her, "Yes, that is what it means."

The mother then slaps him and says, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again"

Two friends are sitting eating breakfast at a table...

...and one friend asks the other "If I slept with your mother would that make us enemies?"

The one that is asked reads his paper and simply replies "No."

Confused the friend that originally asked the question follows up by asking "If we won't be enemies, then would that make us friends?"

Again he continues to read his paper and simply replies, "No."

Flustered, he blurts out "Well what would that make us then?!"

Without even looking up from his paper he replies, "Even."

A two person plane crashes into a cemetery.

Police have released a statement saying that its the worse tragedy they have seen in years. So far they have found over 600 dead with fears of the number increasing as digging continues in the morning.

Engineers and Lawyers on a Train

Three lawyers buy their tickets for the train. They notice three engineers also buying tickets, or rather, just one ticket. Curious, the lawyers follow the engineers on to the train and sit just behind them.
During the trip the conductor comes along, "tickets please... tickets please." At this point the engineers all get up, walk to the back of the car and all pile in to one bathroom. The conductor checks the lawyers tickets and continues to the back. When he reaches the bathroom he knocks, "tickets please." The door opens a crack and one hand presents the ticket.
Inspired by this craftiness the lawyers agree to use this method on the return trip a few days later. In the train station they see the same engineers also getting ready to return on the same train. The lawyers buy one ticket and the engineers buy... none! Perplexed, the lawyers once again follow the engineers onto the train. Once again the conductor starts checking tickets. The engineers get up and crowd in to one bathroom then the lawyers get up and crowd in to the other bathroom opposite the first.
At this point one engineer emerges from his bathroom, crosses the aisle, knocks on the lawyers door and says in his most official voice, "tickets please."

So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.....

He pulls over and looks around, but can't see anyone. So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.

A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the truck and asks, "What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?" The truck driver thinks for a second and says, "Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up" to which the cop replied, "well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?" Truck driver thinks for another second and says, "Well I was thinking I'd take him to the zoo." The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that'll be fine and lets him go on his way.

A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop. But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily, "What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?" "I did" exclaimed the truck driver "that was two weeks ago, I'm taking him to the ball park today"

A man is thinking about joining a gym.

He really just wants to work on his boxing skills. The gym rep gives him the grand tour. "Here are the raquetball courts which get quite busy" the rep says "and over there is the raquetball line". "That's nice" the man says "but I'm mostly interested in the boxing facilities".

The rep continues "Here are the treadmills which are all in use and there is the treadmill line". "Ok, ok" the man rushes "Can we get to the boxing stuff please?"

The rep moves along, "Here is the bench press area which is quite popular and you can see the line to use it. Over here is the basketball courts which are always packed and over there is the basketball line". Continuing, the rep describes "the steamy hot tub and pool which are in high demand and over there is the swimming line".

"OK OK!!" the man exclaims "I just want to punch the bags! Where is the line for that?"

"Oh, but that's no fun", the rep answers.

"Why not?" the man asks.

"There isn't any punch line."

A Jewish man is elected president...

Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"

"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is so cold this time of year." "I'm the president, mom. I can arrange for you to get any sweater you want."

"I'm still not sure," continues his mother, "flying across the country is such a hassle." "Mom, I'll have you flown out here on Air Force One. It'll be no trouble to you." Finally, his mother agrees.

The day of the inaguration rolls around, and his mother is seated between the Vice President and the Secretary of State. As the man is being sworn in, his mother nudges the vice president.

"You see that boy up there? The one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor. "

Man is arrested for calling a police "pig"

He is released next morning
- Tell me officer, the man begs, is it never allowed to call police "pig"?
- Well yes, you can call us police, cops, even the blues, but never call us pigs again.
- Ok, ok. I can do that.
- Have a nice day sir
- Yet I wonder, the man continues, what if I call a pig "police", would that be ok?
- Well, that's a bit weird for sure... but I guess it's nothing we could put you in jail for or anything.
- I see, I see... goodbye, police

A man visits his doctor, complaining of hearing voices in his leg.

The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."

The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"

The doctor is alarmed, but continues to check. He next listens to the ankle and hears, "Doctor, do you think you could spare me 10 dollars? I'm good for it!"

Finally, the doctor listens to the patient's shin and hears, "You look like the reliable type, do you think you could spot me 20 dollars?"

The doctor sighs, and tells his patient the bad news. "Well, it seems your leg is broke in three places."

A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...

Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"

A thief

A thief climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he flicks on the light switch and discovers a parrot in the corner. The parrot says "Jesus is watching you." The robber replies "are you Jesus?"
The parrot says "no I am Moses."
The robber replies " who calls there parrot Moses?" To which the parrot replies " the same guy that calls his Rottweiler Jesus"

Jesus knows you're here

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress What can a guy get for a dime? Not much, how about a glass of water? says the waitress. Sure, that will do. The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. Are you going to eat that chili? Nope, it's yours if you want it says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says Yep, same thing happened to me.

A man in a small town goes to confessional...

and tells the local priest, "Father, forgive me, for I have slept with a loose woman."

The priest thinks for a moment and says, "Well, son, was it Mary?"

"No Father."

"Hmm," the priest continues, "was it Fiona?"

"No, no father," the man replies.

"And was it Anne?"

"No, father."

After a pause, the priest says, "Give me one our fathers and two hail marys, and all will be forgiven."

The man exits the confessional and slides in next to his friend on a pew.

"So," the friend asks, "what'd the father give you?"

"Well, I got one our fathers, two hail marys, and three good leads."


**source**: Prairie Home Companion

The blonde and the gumball machine

A blonde is standing in front of a gumball machine. She puts a quarter in and out pops a gumball. She puts another quarter in and out pops another gumball. She continues putting in quarters and receiving gumballs, which she piles up next to her on the floor.

Eventually a line of kids forms behind the blonde. After standing in line for 10 minutes, the kid behind the blonde taps her on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, miss, but what are you doing?"

And the blonde says, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm *winning*!"

A Chinese girl parked in a handicap space...

And continues onto the shops, unaware she accidentally parked in the handicap space. Coming back to her car, she sees a ticket inspector writing a bunch of tickets. She has a lot of groceries an is hurried in putting them away. The parking inspector takes one look at her, says 'carry on and have a nice day', and continues walking.

Puzzled, she resumes putting away the bags then decides to continue shopping. She later returns to her car and sees the same parking inspector. She approaches him and asks 'why didn't you give me a ticket earlier for illegally parking?'. The man replied 'love, I'm just happy that you're off the road.'

Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Bloke walks into a pub....

Bloke walks into a pub and orders a drink. While he's taking the first sip, he hears a voice go: "Psst! Nice coat."

He turns around to thank this kind soul for the nice comment, but there isn't a soul in sight apart from himself and the man behind the counter; So, the man turns back to his drink and continues to sip.

A little further in.... there's the voice again! This time, it goes: "Nice shoes, friend." The man's sure he's heard it right, so he turns to the bartender and asks him: "Did you say something?"

The bartender shrugs, and the man (more than a bit suspicious) turns back to his drink. And yet again: "That's a really nice wristwatch!" the voice says. Now, the man's had it. He sets his drink down on the counter and turns to the bartender. "Is it that I'm hearing voices, or are you playing tricks on me? --You can say nice things about me without having to be so secretive about it, you know?"

The bartender, looking at him in between polishing glasses, off-handedly says: "The peanuts."

"What?" asks the man. "The peanuts what?"

And the bartender points down to the dish of peanuts sat by the man and explains: "They're complimentary."

Two men are fishing from a bridge...

When one man notices a funeral procession. He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes of his hat and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his pole and continues fishing. The other man turns to him and says, "wow. I never knew you had a feely side in you" to which the first man replies, "it's the least I could've done, afterall, we have been married for forty years."

What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?

George Lucas.

A man goes for a jog...

...as he passes the tennis courts he finds a tennis ball in the gutter. He picks it up and it seems to be a good find, so he puts it in his pocket and continues his jog. As he approaches home, he sees his next door neighbor outside watering the lawn. He stops to say hello and they start chatting. However, throughout their conversation the neighbor keeps looking down suspiciously at the bulge in the mans shorts. Finally the man tries to reassure his neighbor, "dont worry," he says, "it's just a tennis ball."

"Oh my goodness!" exclaims the neighbor, "I am so sorry. I had tennis elbow once, and I thought THAT was bad!"

The bell ringer at a church dies...

So they put out an ad for a new ringer, and on the first day a guy shows up for the job. He climbs the bell tower, and rather unexpectedly, he runs and jumps and hits the bell with his face. He continues to ring the bell this way for the rest of the time. The priest thinks it's weird but whatever, he lets him do his job. Within a couple of days, though, the man runs and jumps and misses the bell, falling to his death in front of the church. As the crowd gathers, someone asks "Who is that man?"

Someone else replies "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."

The next day the man's identical twin shows up to replace him as the bell ringer, and the priest hires him. He climbs to the top, runs, jumps, and misses the bell, falling to his death. Once again, the crowd gathers, and someone asks "Now, who was THAT guy?"

Someone else says "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

I was told this joke years ago, and I probably butchered it. The punchline still works, though.

GOD SENT YOU

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.

"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God sent you, honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief.

"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

A man approaches a stop sign...

.. and as he usually does, he slows down a good bit, then continues rolling through the stop sign, without stopping completely.

An officer sees the man roll through the stop sign and pulls him over. The cop, in typical fashion, asks him, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" as the man gets out of the car.

"Officer, there's a stop sign there, and I know I didn't stop but I slowed down!"

The officer, without hesitation, pulls out his baton and starts beating the man mercilessly, and says, "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes