The Best 75 Continue Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Continue jokes. There are some continue continuous jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these continue remain puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Continue Jokes and Puns

What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed

The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"

A man comes home early from work.....

A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.

Continue joke, A man comes home early from work.....

There's an old Italian man

There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.

"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."

The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."

That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.

The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."

Little Johnny goes to his parents' room to say goodnight

He walks in and sees them having sex. They continue and Johnny runs out of the room. When they are finished, Johnny's mom tells the dad to talk to Johnny about what happened. The dad looks all over the house, but can't find Johnmy,. Finally, he goes in the kitchen and sees Johnny raping the grandmother. The dad tells "SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Johnny says, "Don't like it when it's your mom, do you?"


Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.

So far 374 bodies have been found.

Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

The big bed...

Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,

"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,

"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"

The man who slept in the middle says,

"I had a dream that I was skiing!"

Continue joke, The big bed...

mathematician

Why do mathematicians only count up to 287? Because if they count one more it would be 2gross to continue.

"Yes, you're free now"

I'm walking down the street in New York City when a black guy walking by me stops and ask, "Hey, did the Yankees win?". I ponder for a second then respond, "Yes, you're free now" and continue on my way.

Endless shrimp. a.k.a sir we close at 10:30, you have to leave now

Im going back in the morning and ask to continue

Two Psychoanalysts

Are walking towards each other down a street. As they approach each other, one psychiatrist says "Well hello!" The other replies, "Good day to you!"

Both psychiatrists continue past each other and think to themselves: "Hmmm....I wonder what he meant by that?"

You can explore continue insist reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean continue sustain dad jokes. There are also continue puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Mental patients

Two mental patients escaped from the mental hospital but had to cross a river to continue there journey. One patient said to the other: I have a Flashlight as he pointed it across the river and said: you run across the beam of light! the other patient said: Do you think I am stupid...I will get half way across and you will turn the flashlight off.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

First asks for a beer, second asks for half a beer, third asks for a quarter of a beer...

Barmen says "Got it, no need to continue" and proceeds to ring up two beers.

A little boy is always biting his nails...

A little boy is always biting his nails. In the end his mom gets angry and says, "If you continue to bite your nails you'll get bigger and bigger and bigger until you blow up like a balloon!" A few days later the little boy is on the bus when a very pregnant woman sits opposite him. After a few minutes the lady realizes that the little boy is staring at her. "Do you know me?" she asks. "No," says the boy. "But I know what you've been doing."

BREAKING NEWS: A small, four-seater Cessna has crashed into the Smithville cemetery...

Emergency crews have recovered 236 bodies so far, with more expected as rescue efforts continue into tomorrow.

60 Years of Marriage

An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.

Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"

She responds "that's for 60 years of bad sex"

They continue to rocking on the porch.

A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.

With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"

Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."

Continue joke, 60 Years of Marriage

Joke Time 2

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Jared Fogle is going to prison.

It looks as if his steady diet of footlongs will continue

A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

---

*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

---

The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

---

*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*


Why 'business' people continue to earn more than people who actually work :

Time is money (time=money), and knowledge is power( knowledge=power)

we know that power is work done/time

solving,

power=work done/money

but knowledge=power

hence

we have money=work done/knowledge

which means, in the limiting case, as knowledge ->0 money -> Infinity, regardless of work done

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.

They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.

When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.

She replied, "Wousy"

A small plane crashed into a cemetery...

the forensics found no survivors. They have found 268 bodies by sunset. They will continue searching tomorrow morning...

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing! They just WAVED.

SEA what I did there?

I'm SHORE you did.

Let MINNOW if you are not getting it.

SHELL I continue??

No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead.

Thanks ladies and gentlefish

A plane crushed on top of a cemetery

In the evening news:
So far they found 255 body... but they continue the digging.

Sam Allardyce is a disgrace and needs to be punished, humiliated and made an example of...

Therefore he should continue as England Manager

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.

She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she answered.

"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.

He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

So did you hear that the Colombians voted in a referendum to continue their war?

I was like FARC me . . . .

Father and son during checkout at Dick's Sporting Goods...

Dad: Hang on a second, I need to use these coupons.

Son: Are these coupons only for Dick's?

Dad: No, they work for normal people too.

Cashier -- laughing too hysterically to continue for a bit...

(True Story)

My dad walked in on me masturbating

He said "son if you continue to do that you will go blind!" I replied "hey dad I'm over here."

Trump got angry with computers again...

Trump got angry with computers again, and ordered that White House staff are no longer allowed to use email to communicate.

Conway calmed him down and came up with a work-around. White House staff can continue using email, but in order not to anger Trump, they have to call it by a different name:

"Alternative Fax"

I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria...

I did, and the predictions came true!

"We're happy to announce NASA's newest mission will allow us to LITERALLY touch our own Sun!"

"Before we continue, please welcome our strangely-excited sponsors, the Catholic Church!"

I tried training for the Samaritans once.

But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.

-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)

And as he continued to walk, he noticed during the hardest parts of his life

there was only one set of footprints in the sand. He asked Jesus, why, and Jesus said...
"Those are Cris Cristie's...he kicked everyone else off the beach."

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.

But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

Police and driver.

Police officer: Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I'm going to have to take away your driver's license.

Driver: You're kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!

Pre-marriage vs Post-marriage

Before marriage: continue reading ↓

Man: I can't wait for the day to come!

Woman: Can I go back on this?

Man: Of course not!

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Of course!

Woman: Will you cheat on me?

Man: No, why would you have such a thought?

Woman: Will you kiss me?

Man: Of course, more than once!

Woman: Will you ever abuse me?

Man: Never!

Woman: Can I trust you?

Post-marriage: read backwards ↑

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

It's raining like cats and dogs on Christmas eve...

Hope it doesn't continue till Christmas, or it's gonna rain deer.

Your mom is so fat

"Before you continue, you should know my mother is dead"

"sorry man, I didn't know"

"That's OK, it's still better than having your mom"

Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

Just received an email from a wealthy Nigerian Prince.

He told me that he doesn't have any fortune to share with me at the moment but he would appreciate if I could let him know before May 25th if I wish to continue receiving emails.

Biggest lie of all time.

Your call is important to us. Please continue holding.

If Sarah Jessica Parker Dies...

And people continue making jokes about her, are they beating a dead horse?

Did you hear about that two seater plane that crashed into the cemetery?

Rescue workers already found 87 bodies, and the numbers are expected to rise as they continue to dig.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."

"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

Either way half of the members are stupid. The speaker doesn't see it.

At congress

**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are stupid.

**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.

**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not stupid.

**speaker: T**hank you. Let's continue. ...

A guy goes to his butcher

He asked for sliced ham. The butcher takes his block of ham, put on the machine and start cutting some slices. He cuts 1 slice, 2 slices, 3 slices and looks at the customer:

Should I stop or do you want me to go on?

Go on, go on!

I cuts 5 mores slices and look at the customer again:

Go on, keep cutting some slices .

The butcher continue his work and after a long time and 11 more slices the customer says:

Stop! That's the one I want.

A man was spotted naked walking through town...

The police showed up and began to question him.

Sir, why are you walking through town naked like that?!

He replies
Well I was at the beach with my wife.

Alright... continue the other officer says

He then says
She asked me if I wanted to get naked and go to town, and I said OK!

Why didn't the fungus continue to grow?

It didn't have mush room.

I've worked both restaurant and retail jobs, and honestly I think I prefer retail jobs.

Only in retail can you drop something on the floor in front of the customer, and continue to try and sell it to them.

I made a standing desk for myself at work and it made a huge difference

Now I look up at my computer, while I continue sitting comfortably

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

NSFW I'm not saying she's got a big coochie but...

....half way in an old man with a grey beard would not let me continue on until I answered three riddles.

Honestly, vegans should stop

If they continue eating the Amazon rainforest we won't be able to breathe.

Want to hear a joke about Facebook?

*joke will continue after ad*

After a wedding

After a wedding, an elderly lady named Enna is nowhere to be found. The groom is frantic and tells his bride the festivities cannot continue. When she asks why, he says,
Without Aunt Enna, no reception.

A wife decides to surprise her husband at work.

She walks into his office to find him sitting at his desk, on the phone, with his extremely attractive secretary perched on his lap.

Upon catching sight of his wife the husband says into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with only one chair."

Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick's Day joke....

What's Irish and sits on the porch?

Patty O'Furniture

That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick's Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...

A woman decides to surprise her husband at work, and walks into his office to find him talking on the phone and his very attractive secretary perched on his lap.

As soon as he sees his wife, the husband speak into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue running this office with only one chair."

Dirty things

Bryan and his grandmother were walking in the rain when suddenly Bryan finds his favorite candy on the ground. He asks his grandmother if he can eat it and she says "don't pick up dirty things you find on the ground".
They continue walking and the grandmother slips and falls in a pool of mud.
The grandmother asks Bryan if she will help her get up and Bryan says "Sorrt grandma you told me to never pick up dirty things I find"

In a hospital room

Doctor: *Im sorry sir, but the virus will continue to spread throughout your body. There's nothing we can do. *

Patient: *but what about the treatment you injected into me?

Doctor: *Turns out, that was the wrong medicine. It was all done in vein.*

Bedtime joke

One night I tucked my son in bed, and he wanted me to tell him a joke.

Tell you what, let's each try to think up a word that starts with 'F' and ends with 'uck.' His eyes widen to the size of saucers.

Let's see, I continue... I've got 'Firetruck,' what do you got?

Trandlated a joke, hopefully nobody told it already

Johnny is walking around with his grandma.
He finds candy on the ground, he wants to pick it up, but his grandma tells him:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
They continue walking and Johnny finds 1$, but his grandma tells him again:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
Then his grandma slips and asks him:"Johnny, help me stand up" Johnny replied:"No, I don't pick up things from the sidewalk."

While playing w/ kids, I almost slipped and made loud noises

Wife rushed to the scene, found out it's me. Thank God it's you! Then she turned around to continue laundry.

Favorite interactive joke from my childhood.

You go to shake someone's hand and continue shaking it for the whole length of the joke.

F1: hey my name is ***** what's yours?
F2: my names ****
F1: nice to meet you. Do you live in a house?
F2:yes
F1: I live in a shack... do you use the toliet?
F2:yes
F1: I have to use a can...... do you use toliet paper?
F2: Yes
F1: I use my hands

A police officer stopped a man

"Sir, please stop sexually offending that man."

"Don't worry, I'm a registered sex offender."

"My mistake, sir, you may continue."

The year is 2077...

Brexit negotiations continue.
Nevada has counted 98% of the votes.
Cyberpunk has been delayed again.

Three nuns are talking.

The first nun says, you would never believe what i discovered.

Intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. " i found a phone in the priests room." said the first nun.

oh that's nothing." said the second one, "i found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one.

" what did u do with them?" said the first nun.

The second nun responds with pride ," I poked **holes** in all of them."

The third nun screams, oh shit..."

I was trying to milk a goat once...

One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.

I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to the other pole.

Then, as I was bending to start milking her again, my belt buckle cracked, the belt came loose and my pants fell down...



And my wife came to the barn...



There are some situations, you are just not able to explain.

A husband and wife were grocery shopping...

He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

A seaman goes up to his captain

He says Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon.

The captain says Bring me my red shirt.

After the battle, the seaman is taking to the captain.

Captain, why did you tell me to bring you your red shirt?

If I was shot, the crew wouldn't notice and continue fighting.

Then someone shouted 20 enemy ships on the horizon!

The captain tells the seaman, Bring me my brown pants.

3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.

They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.

So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.

Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.

Fu had to continue working in the paddy fields.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the continue hears jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working continue minutes piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes