The Best 68 Contest Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Contest jokes. There are some contest contestant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these contest rivalry puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Contest Jokes and Puns

Entered a blindfolded masturbation contest the other day...

No idea where I came

Money was a little tight, so I entered a pun writing contest...

I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries.

I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Contest joke, Jesus vs Satan

Do you know what a true competitor is?

It's a guy who enters a masturbation contest and comes in first, third and ninth.

Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant?

Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".


So there's this humor contest...

and a guy enters ten puns hoping to win with at least one. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

A Weenie Contest.

Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a weenie contest to see who has the biggest weenie! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"

So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"

Contest joke, A Weenie Contest.

National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu

For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.

" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

A man submits 10 puns to a contest, hoping to win...

but no pun-in-ten-did.

I've been working on my favorite puns...

I took ten of the best puns I knew and entered them into a local radio contest, hoping that one would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Latvian potato eating contest.

Latvia man enter contest eat potato. Many other contestants. Contest start. Is no potato. All men sad. And hungry.

You can explore contest competition reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean contest championships dad jokes. There are also contest puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


At a contest, I was asked to name one thing that is found in cells

Apparently 'Mexicans' was not the right answer

My friend and I are in a beard growing contest

Right now it's neck and neck.

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest

The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites.

MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics

The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said "OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit."

A Colt 1911 and a Glock walks into a bar...

The 1911 says to the Glock: "Hey, ugly foreigner, want to do a drinking contest?"

The Glock says "You old idiot, you can only last 8 rounds!"

From a friend of mine who's a gun enthusiast.

There was once a pastry competition...

Many bakers submitted their desserts to the contest, but the judges were torn between two Italian chefs' pastries.

They said to the chefs, "We would love for both of you to win... *But there cannoli be one."*

Contest joke, There was once a pastry competition...

I entered 10 puns into a contest last week. Do you know how many won?

No pun in ten did.

Cheating at a limbo contest....

that's about as low as you can get!

My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest...

He wrote a poem.


I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in 10 did.

Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

My dad called in and told this joke to win a corny joke contest in the 70's

What has two knees and swims in the ocean?

A Two-knee fish!.....

George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest.

George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest. Schwarzenegger did 910 push-ups. Bush won because he did 911.

What did the winner of the not moving contest get?

Atrophy

My local newspaper ran a pun writing contest

I entered my ten best puns hoping one would win, sadly no pun in ten did

I recently participated in an erection contest. Unfortunately I didn't do so well.

Let's just say there was some stiff competition.

A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry

No pun in ten did.

Swimming Cats

There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won?

The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.

Congratulations to Ukraine to winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

Can't wait for Russia to host it next year.

I went to an art contest recently...

It ended in a draw.

Did you hear about the guy in masturbation contest?

He really held his own.

A man walks into a bar with his buddies and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender "Why are there three steaks hanging from the ceiling?"

The bartender replies "It's a contest sort of thing, actually. If you can jump and slap one of the steaks, you and your buddies get free drinks for the night. If not, you have to pay for everyone in the bar's drinks for the next hour. Wanna give it a try?"

The man thinks for a few minutes and makes his decision.

"Bartender, as much as my buddies and I would like free drinks, the stakes are just too high."

I sent 10 puns to the world best pun contest...

...hoping at least one of them would win.
Well,no pun in-ten-did.

A man walks into a steakhouse

A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.

She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."

"And what if I miss?"

"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"

He looks up again.

"No, the steaks are too high."

I didn't win the wet t-shirt contest.

Which is bullshit because I ate more t-shirts than anyone else.

I got so drunk last night

I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

A man entered a pun contest in the newspaper

He entered ten of his best puns hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, "Staring contest... GO."

I had a staring contest with the sun

I think I won, all I see is darkness now.

I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest

So I entered my friend

Poetry contest

A redneck and a Harvard graduate are in a poetry contest where they have to come up with a poem that has the word Timbuktu in it. The Harvard graduate goes first.

Amongst the desert sands
Away ride the caravans
Camels leaving, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu

The audience applauds, thinking that the redneck does not have a chance. Then the redneck goes.

Me and Tim a'huntin' went,
Found some whores in a pop up tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu!

Three hawks had a hunting contest

The first one went and came back with blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He said "Do you see that tree over there?". They said "yeah". He said "I hunted a rabbit near it".

The second one went and came back with even more blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He said "Do you see that rock over there?". They said "yeah". He said "I hunted a deer near it".

The third one went and came back with blood all over him. They asked him what happened. He said "Do you see that lamppost over there?". They said "yeah". He said "I didn't."

My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...

She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.

I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."

Whenever my Dad and I disagree, we settle it with a staring contest.

Then we see eye to eye.

COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding contest

When he gets there, he realizes he seriously misunderstood the nature of the contest

I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

Can't win the mall

A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest

The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.

The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."

The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."

I submitted ten puns into a pun contest, wanna know how many won?

No pun in ten did

I heard about a double entendre contest on the radio

So I entered my sister

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".

I had a staring contest with the sun and I won!

The sun must've blinked since there doesn't seem to be any light anymore!

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

I joined a math contest the other day

And against all odds,



I was severely outnumbered

My friend and I had a tuxedo contest

But then we realized we both forgot a crucial clothing piece.

It was a tie.

Yo mama is so ugly

Yo mama is so ugly she tried to enter an ugly contest, but they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

What is it called when the British compare their old coins?

A farthing contest..

I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest

I had some stiff competition.

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the contest dogfight jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working contest prize piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes