"Sir we are mining too many useless minerals" (hitler scratches his chin in contemplation) Mine less then. (grammar nazi barges in) mine FEWER (hitler turns to the man) Yes? What do you need?
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"
Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, "Lord, I am nothing!", and with a deep breath, he sat back down. The second rabbi, feeling a similar rush of soul stirring, stood up, and with his hands clasped over his head and his eyes shut tight, proclaimed calmly "Lord, I am nothing." Sitting back down, both rabbis returned to their talmudic ruminations.
Near the front of the room was a volunteer cleaner, who had been sweeping up and saw both of the revered men make the profound statements. So overcome with emotion having just witnessed the most sublime of confessions from such great leaders of faith, he tossed down his broom, fell to his knees, and wailed "Oh LORD! I am nothing!"
The rabbis both looked up, startled out of meditation. The first rabbi looked at the second, and gesturing towards the cleaner with his eyebrows, said "So look who think's he's nothing."
Young Jimmy has an assignment to distinguish the difference between theory and reality. Not sure how to start he asks his dad.
"Dad, I need help with this assignment."
"What is is, son?"
"I need to explain the difference between theory and reality"
"Ahhh, that's easy. Here... go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars.
So Jimmy goes and asks his mom, "Hey mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars?" After a bit of contemplation, mom responds with a resounding yes. Jimmy goes back and tells his father the result.
"Ah-ha, just as I thought. Now, go ask your sister the same question about Brad Pitt."
Jimmy finds his sister and asks her. Without hesitation she says yes. Jimmy goes back to his father with the answer.
"...and there you have it, Jimmy."
"I don't get it dad." Jimmy responds.
Jimmy's father laughs and straightens up in his chair.
"In theory, we're sittin' on about two-million dollars... but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
One of the men took off his cap, bowed his head and closed his eyes in contemplation.
His opponent commented, "That is one of the most touching things I've seen. You are a very feeling man."
The man, recovering himself, replied, "Yeah, well, we were married for 20 years."
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