Contact Jokes

Following is our collection of touch puns and telephone one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Contact jokes for adults, dirty marion jokes and clean call dad gags for kids.

The Best Contact Puns

A girl came to me today...

...and told me she will have sex with me if I advertise some random liquid detergent. Of course I said no, after all I'm a powerful man with high standards. As powerful as the new Ajax detergent, which offers a unique freshness, activated on air contact.

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...

After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.

Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".

Why did the chicken get an ouija board?

To contact those who had crossed over to the other side.

The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via sexual contact.

Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.

I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"


A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .

Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.

The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.

That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?

The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday. Β 

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the fence.

As we made eye contact, he glared at me and I thought to myself, "Well, that's a little condescending!"

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

Why don't any American football players wear glasses?

Because it is a contact sport!

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."


I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, kicking and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.

With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a condom."

I said, "I'm not the only one."

What does Mario use to contact his dead brother?

A Luigi Board.

Last night I slept with my contact lenses on.

My dreams have never been clearer.

How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin?

They use a Milwaukee-Talkie

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

Spy

A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.

That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .

How do you contact a dead itallian?

With a Luigi board


I'm starting to think Corona Virus is a girlfriend

It explains how I've come in close contact three times, but never got it

German Coast Guard

An English ship was approaching the coast when suddenly they started taking on a lot of water. The captain decided to contact the coast guard for help.



**Captain**: Mayday Mayday, This is the English Pearl, we are sinking.



**German Coast Guard**: Sorry, may you please repeat?



**Captain**: This is the English Pearl and we are sinking.



After a few moments of silence...



**German Coast Guard**: What are you sinking about?

I had to use my glasses when playing tennis.

Because its a no contact sport.

Mario's brother died...

But he was still able to contact him through a Luigi board.

I've been in a couple of threesomes.

Usually the other guy will be getting oral and I'll be hitting it from behind. I've found that as long as I don't make eye contact with the guy on the other end, or the guy in the middle, it doesn't feel gay.

I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box

Apparently it was a contactless delivery

If you're looking for true love...

Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact.

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

A joke about eggs

An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.

"Sir, can you hear me?"

"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."

"Just as I thought."

"What do you mean, corporal?"

"Our communications have been scrambled."

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*

Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken

Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas

Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken

Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car another time?

Why don't NFL players wear glasses?

Because it's a contact sport.

Three generations were having brunch together

The grandson looks over at his newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
The father, not to be outdone, looks over to his wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "You old charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

NASA just reported they have lost contact with Voyager 1 after it crashed into something in the dark abyss of space

Apparently they found my ex's heart, which drains all energy.

The Job Interview

Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.

He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.

Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.

Well done!

Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?

Yes, well done!

Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?

How'd you know that?

Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

What's unnatural in God's eyes?

Contact lenses.

"..A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news..'"

"This remind me of a hilarious joke. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news.'
'What are the bad news?' asks the patient.
'You only have 24 hours to live.' replies the doctor.
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!'
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!'
Haha! Always knocks em out!"

- The Joker on The Batman cartoon.

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a condom fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.

I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.

I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

For all the people talking completely overblowing the net neutrality issue, I just want to say

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Chuck Norris came into contact with coronavirus

Coronavirus is now in 2 week quarantine

Does anyone need an Ark?

If so contact me, I Noah guy.

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

How is France like francium?

They both burst into flames when coming in contact with anything.

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting

But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.

I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

How do you contact dead window cleaners?

Use a squeegee board.

What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.

Warning labels are stupid.

I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it

Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;

Apparently your cat, FlΓΌffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.

We're sorry for your loss.

Our resident String Theorist will contact you.

He can explain everything.

8{>

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

How to you contact tiny gangsters from beyond the grave?

Wee G Board

My Tylenol bottle says "DO NOT TAKE IF SEAL NOT PRESENT."

Does anyone know how to contact him?

A doctor says to his patient "I have bad news and worse news."

"Let's start with the bad news." Says the patient.

"Well..." Says the doctor "You only have 24 hours left to live."

"I can't imagine what could be worse than that." Says the patient.

"Well..." Says the doctor "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

It's not gay if you don't make eye contact

At least that's what my dad said

A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye...

Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.

You never know how far you're going to get with a girl on a first date.

To break the ice I go in for a tickle. It's a good bet your going to have a good night if she doesn't mind some contact with a test-tickle.

Doctor Appointment

**Doctor**: I have bad news and worse news; the bad news, you only have 24 hours left to live.

**Guy**: Oh no, how can the other news possibly be worse?

**Doctor**: Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.

What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion?

Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger

A plumber

is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This is not working"

I should probably contact a therapist to help with my relationship issues. Maybe it's not too late.

Interview (casting) :

- Please, list your 1 strong feature
- I'm persistent
- Thank you, we will contact you later
- I'll wait here

I don't like trying to contact our unborn child.

But my wife gets a kick out of it.

Condescending

A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending". (Say it out loud)

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

There is an abundance of vega jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 65 funniest jokes and contact puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any communicate witze you can hear about contact.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes