Contact Jokes

138 contact jokes and hilarious contact puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about contact that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of contact jokes sure to make you chuckle. Learn why contact lenses will never be made of copper, why contact centres have their own time zone and more. Read on and get ready to giggle!

Quick Jump To

Funniest Contact Short Jokes

Short contact jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The contact humour may include short touch jokes also.

  1. Why did the chicken get an ouija board? To contact those who had crossed over to the other side.
  2. A cop looked at my driver's license and said I should be wearing glasses, so I told him I had contacts. But he didn't care who I knew and he gave me a ticket anyway.
  3. I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"
  4. Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the fence. As we made eye contact, he glared at me and I thought to myself, "Well, that's a little condescending!"
  5. You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
  6. My daughter refused to wear her contacts I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"
  7. What does Mario use to contact his dead brother? A Luigi Board.
  8. Last night I slept with my contact lenses on. My dreams have never been clearer.
  9. Liars tend not make eye contact, which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.
  10. Why can't someone who wears glasses get a job? They don't have any contacts!

Share These Contact Jokes With Friends

Contact One Liners

Which contact one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with contact? I can suggest the ones about consult and email.

  1. How do you know alien are not vegan? Because they haven't contacted us to say it.
  2. WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!! I will find you, I have contacts!
  3. The contact lens is mans greatest invention At least in my eyes
  4. I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone Now it's Hans-Free
  5. I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone... now its Hans free
  6. Why would a phone need glasses? When it's lost its contacts.
  7. Warning to the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts!
  8. Saved her contact as "Heaven on earth". Realized it was too long so I abbreviated it.
  9. Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? He had lost his contacts!
  10. Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!
  11. Why did the cell phone need glasses? Because it ran out of contacts.
  12. How do you contact sonic? You give him a ring!
  13. To whoever stole my glasses I have contacts
  14. How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin? They use a Milwaukee-Talkie
  15. Why did the phone keep walking into the wall? It lost its contacts.

Eye Contact Jokes

Here is a list of funny eye contact jokes and even better eye contact puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If you're looking for true love... Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact.
  • What's unnatural in God's eyes? Contact lenses.
  • I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm... I think I might be artistic.
  • What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.
  • It's not gay if you don't make eye contact At least that's what my dad said
  • Eye joke I lost my contact lense, but managed to get back home without bumping into anyone.
    It was a contactless journey
  • A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye... Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.
  • I wouldn't want to work as an optometrist They have to make eye contacts
  • My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.
  • I have used contact lenses my whole life... I can apply them with my eyes closed.

First Contact Jokes

Here is a list of funny first contact jokes and even better first contact puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you get in contact with a Swedish battleship? First, you need to Scandinavian
  • What do you call the moment a person stops using glasses? First contact
  • I've realized that playing golf is a lot like hunting for aliens... I'm just trying to make first contact.
  • The first time I had s**... I cried I don't know whether it was the physical contact, emotional connection, or pepper spray but any way I teared up.
Contact joke, The first time I had s**... I cried

Contact Lenses Jokes

Here is a list of funny contact lenses jokes and even better contact lenses puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box Apparently it was a contactless delivery
  • Was having a problem with one of my contact lenses. Fortunately, my wife had the solution.
  • My wife got mad at me just because I accidentally hoovered up her contact lenses. To be fair, she was wearing them at the time.
  • Homosexuality or Abortion isn't unnatural in the eyes of God, but I know what would be. Contact lenses
  • I decided to stop wearing my contact lenses... I look better without them.
  • Did you hear about the abstinent lenses? They never came in contact.
  • Why do lenses love American Football? It's a contact sport!

Contact Lens Jokes

Here is a list of funny contact lens jokes and even better contact lens puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • There's only one problem where tears are the solution... and that's forgetting to pack your contact lens cleaner.
  • I accidentally swallowed a contact lens today... I've never seen my colon with such clarity before.
Contact joke, I accidentally swallowed a contact lens today...

Cheerful Contact Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about contact you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean interaction jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make contact pranks.

A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .
Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.
The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.
That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?
The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.  

"..A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news..'"

"This remind me of a hilarious joke. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news.'
'What are the bad news?' asks the patient.
'You only have 24 hours to live.' replies the doctor.
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!'
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!'
Haha! Always knocks em out!"
- The Joker on The Batman cartoon.


A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;

Apparently your cat, Flüffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.
We're sorry for your loss.
Our resident String Theorist will contact you.
He can explain everything.

How do you contact dead window cleaners?

Use a squeegee board.

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

My Tylenol bottle says "DO NOT TAKE IF SEAL NOT PRESENT."

Does anyone know how to contact him?

A girl came to me today...

...and told me she will have s**... with me if I advertise some random liquid detergent. Of course I said no, after all I'm a powerful man with high standards. As powerful as the new Ajax detergent, which offers a unique freshness, activated on air contact.

Why don't NFL players wear glasses?

Because it's a contact sport.

The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via s**... contact.

Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.

What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion?

Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger

Doctor Appointment

**Doctor**: I have bad news and worse news; the bad news, you only have 24 hours left to live.
**Guy**: Oh no, how can the other news possibly be worse?
**Doctor**: Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.

I had to use my glasses when playing tennis.

Because its a no contact sport.

You never know how far you're going to get with a g**... a first date.

To break the ice I go in for a tickle. It's a good bet your going to have a good night if she doesn't mind some contact with a test-tickle.

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, k**... and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.
With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a c**...."
I said, "I'm not the only one."

Meghan Trainor's business cards' must be pretty simple.

Name: No
Number: No
Affiliation: No
Contact address: No


A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending". (Say it out loud)

Mario's brother died...

But he was still able to contact him through a Luigi board.

I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".

How to you contact tiny gangsters from beyond the grave?

Wee G Board

NASA just reported they have lost contact with Voyager 1 after it crashed into something in the dark abyss of space

Apparently they found my ex's heart, which drains all energy.

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.
The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

I used to be sesquipedally loquacious

I got bullied because I couldn't even explain that that meant I was talking all the time with big and overly complicated words.
That's when the e**... made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device.

For all the people talking completely overblowing the net neutrality issue, I just want to say

Starting at just: $60.00/month

I don't like trying to contact our unborn child.

But my wife gets a kick out of it.

A doctor says to his patient "I have bad news and worse news."

"Let's start with the bad news." Says the patient.
"Well..." Says the doctor "You only have 24 hours left to live."
"I can't imagine what could be worse than that." Says the patient.
"Well..." Says the doctor "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...

After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.
Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".

A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting

But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.
I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation

How do you contact a dead itallian?

With a Luigi board

Interview (casting) :

- Please, list your 1 strong feature
- I'm persistent
- Thank you, we will contact you later
- I'll wait here

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This is not working"

I should probably contact a therapist to help with my relationship issues. Maybe it's not too late.

Warning labels are s**....

I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it

Since Luigi died in the Smash direct, what do we have to use to contact him?

A Luigi board

German Coast Guard

An English ship was approaching the coast when suddenly they started taking on a lot of water. The captain decided to contact the coast guard for help.

**Captain**: Mayday Mayday, This is the English Pearl, we are sinking.

**German Coast Guard**: Sorry, may you please repeat?

**Captain**: This is the English Pearl and we are sinking.

After a few moments of silence...

**German Coast Guard**: What are you sinking about?

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

I've been in a couple of threesomes.

Usually the other guy will be getting o**... and I'll be hitting it from behind. I've found that as long as I don't make eye contact with the guy on the other end, or the guy in the middle, it doesn't feel gay.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Does anyone need an Ark?

If so contact me, I Noah guy.

How is France like francium?

They both burst into flames when coming in contact with anything.

A plumber

is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*
Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken
Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas
Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken
Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car another time?

The Job Interview

Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.
He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.
Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.
Well done!
Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?
Yes, well done!
Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?
How'd you know that?
Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.

Chuck Norris came into contact with coronavirus

Coronavirus is now in 2 week quarantine

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a c**... fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.
I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.
I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."


A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.
That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Three generations were having brunch together

The grandson looks over at his newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
The father, not to be outdone, looks over to his wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "You old charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

A joke about eggs

An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.
"Sir, can you hear me?"
"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."
"Just as I thought."
"What do you mean, corporal?"
"Our communications have been scrambled."

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.
Whoever smelted, dealt it.

I'm starting to think Corona Virus is a girlfriend

It explains how I've come in close contact three times, but never got it

If you wake up at midday... save the money you would have spent on breakfast.

Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.

Why don't football players wear glasses?

It's a contact sport.

How does a friend contact you when he gets lost at a Rave?

EDMs you

Did you know that ants can't contact COVID-19?

Because they have anty bodies.

A dog walks into the unemployment office..

"I need a job." He said, in perfect English.
Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?"
"If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

The short answer is technically speaking it can stand on its own but it is very unstable. In order to keep something standing you need the center of gravity of the object to be within its points of contact with the ground. With only 2 points of contact with the ground, that space is a very small plane. You would need it perfectly positioned with no other forces acting on it. The tiniest disturbance could knock it over (and will).
Not because it was two tired

An Engineering Joke.

Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this moment a Uboat emerges from the depths and drives up to the beach. A hatch opens, and a man in uniform pops out. He looks at the three, raises an arm and shouts: " Heil h**...! We need fuel!"

Want to contact a dead Italian....

Use a Luigi board.

Jeffery d**... is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:
"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "
"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears,

Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.
So how do we know if they're grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers.
It's easy, replies the ranger. They're full of small bells.

The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understand the whole Superman / Clark Kent thing.

Chuck Norris came into contact with the Coronavirus

The virus is now in quarantine for at least 14 days.

Contact joke, Chuck Norris came into contact with the Coronavirus

jokes about contact