Contact Jokes
135 contact jokes and hilarious contact puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about contact that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of contact jokes sure to make you chuckle. Learn why contact lenses will never be made of copper, why contact centres have their own time zone and more. Read on and get ready to giggle!
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Funniest Contact Short Jokes
Short contact jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The contact humour may include short touch jokes also.
- Why did the chicken get an ouija board? To contact those who had crossed over to the other side.
- A cop looked at my driver's license and said I should be wearing glasses, so I told him I had contacts. But he didn't care who I knew and he gave me a ticket anyway.
- I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"
- You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
- My daughter refused to wear her contacts I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"
- I'm starting to think Corona Virus is a girlfriend It explains how I've come in close contact three times, but never got it
- How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail? They exchange cell numbers.
- Why doesn't Michael Flynn wear glasses? Because he has Russian contacts.
- I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box Apparently it was a contactless delivery
- If you're looking for true love... Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact.
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Contact One Liners
Which contact one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with contact? I can suggest the ones about consult and email.
- How do you know alien are not vegan? Because they haven't contacted us to say it.
- WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!! I will find you, I have contacts!
- The contact lens is mans greatest invention At least in my eyes
- I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone Now it's Hans-Free
- Why would a phone need glasses? When it's lost its contacts.
- Warning to the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts!
- Saved her contact as "Heaven on earth". Realized it was too long so I abbreviated it.
- Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!
- How do you contact sonic? You give him a ring!
- Why did the phone keep walking into the wall? It lost its contacts.
- Last night I slept with my contact lenses on. My dreams have never been clearer.
- Liars tend not make eye contact, which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.
- How does a friend contact you when he gets lost at a Rave? EDMs you
- I had to use my glasses when playing tennis. Because its a no contact sport.
- Mario's brother died... But he was still able to contact him through a Luigi board.
Eye Contact Jokes
Here is a list of funny eye contact jokes and even better eye contact puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's unnatural in God's eyes? Contact lenses.
- I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm... I think I might be artistic.
- What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.
- It's not gay if you don't make eye contact At least that's what my dad said
- Eye joke I lost my contact lense, but managed to get back home without bumping into anyone.
It was a contactless journey - A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye... Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.
- I wouldn't want to work as an optometrist They have to make eye contacts
- My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.
- I have used contact lenses my whole life... I can apply them with my eyes closed.
- Why don't paraplegic people like eye contact? Idunno, they just really not a fan of stares.
First Contact Jokes
Here is a list of funny first contact jokes and even better first contact puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you get in contact with a Swedish battleship? First, you need to Scandinavian
- What do you call the moment a person stops using glasses? First contact
- I've realized that playing golf is a lot like hunting for aliens... I'm just trying to make first contact.
Contact Lenses Jokes
Here is a list of funny contact lenses jokes and even better contact lenses puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Was having a problem with one of my contact lenses. Fortunately, my wife had the solution.
- My wife got mad at me just because I accidentally hoovered up her contact lenses. To be fair, she was wearing them at the time.
- I decided to stop wearing my contact lenses... I look better without them.
- Did you hear about the abstinent lenses? They never came in contact.
- Why do lenses love American Football? It's a contact sport!
Contact Lens Jokes
Here is a list of funny contact lens jokes and even better contact lens puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There's only one problem where tears are the solution... and that's forgetting to pack your contact lens cleaner.
- I accidentally swallowed a contact lens today... I've never seen my colon with such clarity before.
Cheerful Contact Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about contact you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean interaction jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make contact pranks.
"..A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news..'"
"This remind me of a hilarious joke. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news.'
'What are the bad news?' asks the patient.
'You only have 24 hours to live.' replies the doctor.
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!'
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!'
Haha! Always knocks em out!"
- The Joker on The Batman cartoon.
Divorce
A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."
Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;
Apparently your cat, Flüffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.
We're sorry for your loss.
Our resident String Theorist will contact you.
He can explain everything.
8{>
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar on the boardwalk..
and sees a t**... bartender. He tries to get the bartenders attention by signaling for a beer but the bartender won't look his way.
Annoyed, the guy walks in the bartenders line of vision and signals again. Even though he made eye contact the bartender ignores him.
Now, furious, the guy demanded an explanation from the bartender.
The bartender simply points at the sign with his bare feet which reads
"no shirt, no shoes, no service"
How do you contact dead window cleaners?
Use a squeegee board.
Prince Andrew "terribly sorry" to Jeffrey Epstein that he can't have contact with him anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Signs a Woman Likes You:
1. Eye contact
2. Twirls her hair
3. Laughs at your jokes
4. Follows you
5. Keys your car
6. Kills you
My Tylenol bottle says "DO NOT TAKE IF SEAL NOT PRESENT."
Does anyone know how to contact him?
How will future generations contact Beyoncé's ghost?
They'll hold a Beyoncéance.
Do you know what the worst thing about an owl is?
They maintain eye contact when you microwave them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via s**... contact.
Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.
What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion?
Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger
The plot of the film *Contact* can be summarized as...
What happens at Vega, stays at Vega.
Pokemon go should contact Hillary Clinton.
I hear she has some servers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You never know how far you're going to get with a g**... a first date.
To break the ice I go in for a tickle. It's a good bet your going to have a good night if she doesn't mind some contact with a test-tickle.
I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning..
Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.
While she screamed and stomped around the house, k**... and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.
With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a c**...."
I said, "I'm not the only one."
Meghan Trainor's business cards' must be pretty simple.
Name: No
Number: No
Affiliation: No
Contact address: No
[AMA Request] TheLegend27
Please help us contact the best Game of War player
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Condescending
A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending". (Say it out loud)
Due to cutbacks, each states government is asking their citizens to contact them only by fax...
If you would like to speak to the Federal government, you'll need an alternative fax
I was checking out at Tesco...
I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".
How to you contact tiny gangsters from beyond the grave?
Wee G Board
NASA just reported they have lost contact with Voyager 1 after it crashed into something in the dark abyss of space
Apparently they found my ex's heart, which drains all energy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to be sesquipedally loquacious
I got bullied because I couldn't even explain that that meant I was talking all the time with big and overly complicated words.
That's when the e**... made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device.
For all the people talking completely overblowing the net neutrality issue, I just want to say
THIS IS A PREMIUM JOKE
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CONTACT YOUR ISP TO
UPGRADE YOUR SERVICE
Starting at just: $60.00/month
I don't like trying to contact our unborn child.
But my wife gets a kick out of it.
A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...
After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.
Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".
A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting
But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.
I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation
Two friends were climbing a mountain
When suddenly one of them took a false step and fell from the top, disappearing from the other's sight.
As they were equipped with radio equipment, the other tried to contact him immediately with his, "Well, well, are you okay?"
"I'm fine!"
The friend sighed in relief, and kept asking, "Do you have a fracture?"
"No, none!"
"Then go back up and I'll wait for you here."
"Sure, as soon as I get to the bottooooooom!"
Why did the spirit medium cross the road?
To contact the "other side".
How do prisoners contact each other?
Cell Phones!
Interview (casting) :
- Please, list your 1 strong feature
- I'm persistent
- Thank you, we will contact you later
- I'll wait here
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think I have a water f**...
Just traces of it makes me feel moist and when I'm in contact with a lot of it I'm wet
Why did the gold go to jail?
It made contact with a miner.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This is not working"
I should probably contact a therapist to help with my relationship issues. Maybe it's not too late.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Warning labels are s**....
I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it
A blind man walks into a sculpture store.
He'd been planning a heist targetting the jewellery store beside it. Fumbling around to gain his bearings, he eventually comes into contact with a statue of a woman, to which he finally exclaims, "Well, this is a bust!"
Since Luigi died in the Smash direct, what do we have to use to contact him?
A Luigi board
It used to be if you wanted to buy large quantities of coke you contact Pablo Escobar.
Today however, you can get all you can drink for 1$ at McDonalds.
As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"
Because I always let Freedom Ring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been in a couple of threesomes.
Usually the other guy will be getting o**... and I'll be hitting it from behind. I've found that as long as I don't make eye contact with the guy on the other end, or the guy in the middle, it doesn't feel gay.
Why is it best not to try to contact the German Coast Guard when your ship is going down?
When you tell them you're sinking, they will just ask you what you are sinking about?
How is France like francium?
They both burst into flames when coming in contact with anything.
I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with.
It's a missed Opportunity.
A plumber
is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!
The Job Interview
Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.
He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.
Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.
Well done!
Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?
Yes, well done!
Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?
How'd you know that?
Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.
No Contact?
Places seems to be advertising No contact delivery , and No contact click n collect a lot these days. Was there ever a contact option?..
Thanks for the pizza, ready for the cuddle? .
Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...
Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.
a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:
Akey
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a c**... fell out of my wallet.
I was a little embarrassed.
I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.
I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."
Spy
A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.
That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .
Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus
Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands
A joke about eggs
An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.
"Sir, can you hear me?"
"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."
"Just as I thought."
"What do you mean, corporal?"
"Our communications have been scrambled."
These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.
Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.
Whoever smelted, dealt it.
If you wake up at midday...
...you save the money you would have spent on breakfast.
Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.
A dog walks into the unemployment office..
"I need a job." He said, in perfect English.
Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?"
"If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"
