Contact Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A girl came to me today...

...and told me she will have sex with me if I advertise some random liquid detergent. Of course I said no, after all I'm a powerful man with high standards. As powerful as the new Ajax detergent, which offers a unique freshness, activated on air contact.

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...

After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.

Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".

Why did the chicken get an ouija board?

To contact those who had crossed over to the other side.

The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via sexual contact.

Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.

I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .

Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.

The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.

That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?

The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday. Β 

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the fence.

As we made eye contact, he glared at me and I thought to myself, "Well, that's a little condescending!"

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

Why don't any American football players wear glasses?

Because it is a contact sport!

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island

Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.

After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have sex with her every other day so that everyones Sex drive could be fulfilled.

The Woman agrees and they have a great year together. However, shortly after the 14th Month of being stranded, the woman dies.

The first week is tough for the men, but they try to boost eachothers morale.

The second week is almost unbearable.

The third week makes them feel so bad they want to die.

In the fourth week they finally decide that they should bury her corpse.

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion .... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"


"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.

Reincarnation.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, breakfast and then it's off to the golf course then I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, then have sex a couple of more times."
"Then I have lunch (You'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon."
"After supper it's back to the golf course again, then it's more sex until late at night, where I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...! I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"

Play around

So corporate exec Joe is flying across the Pacific, when his plane crashes. Joe survives, but finds himself stranded on a desert island, with nothing to eat but coconuts, and whatever seafood he can catch. 10 years go by, with poor Joe having no human contact. One day, as Joe is fishing for his dinner, a beautiful blonde woman comes wading out of the surf, wearing a full body wet suit. She approaches Joe and introduces herself "Hi, I'm Julie", Joe is so excited, all he can say "I'm Joe, and I've been stranded here alone for 10 years". "Wow" reply's Julie "10 years stranded here, I bet you'd like a cigarette" . "Would I ever" says Joe, and with that the young lady unzips a pocket on her sleeve, pulls out a pack of Marlboro reds, lights 2 and passes one to Joe. "Wow 10 years alone on this island" Julie repeats, "I bet you'd like a beer". "Would I ever" replies Joe, and with that the lady unzips a pocket on her leg, pulls out 2 cold Budweiser's, opens them and hands one to Joe. The young lady starts to seductively unzip the front of her wet suit, and says "Wow 10 years alone on this island, I bet you'd like to play around wouldn't you". "Would I ever" says Joe excitedly, "You got golf clubs in there?"

I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".

At a conference for the arcane and supernatural...

The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them lower their hands. "Ok this is good, now has anyone here had any actual physical contact with a ghost"? Only about ten people still have their hands raised, the excitement of the speaker is palpable "Now, has anyone here ever made love to a ghost"? All hands go down, except for one guy right up the back of the auditorium. "WOW that is amazing sir, please could you come up on to the stage". The man slowly makes his way to the stage, slightly nervous about the attention he is getting. "Sir could you please tell us what that experience was like, to make love to a ghost"? The man edges closer to the microphone and says "ghost? I'm sorry I thought you said GOAT"!

So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.

Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.

So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.

Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hill side where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere, he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.

A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears this women screaming for help. He swims to her rescue and the woman is grateful to him.

Thanking him she says, "Can I do anything to repay you."

He replies, "Anything?"

"Yes, anything." she answers.

So then he asks, "Okay. Can you take the dog out for a walk?"

SchrΓΆdinger gets pulled over by a cop...

When the officer walks up to the window and asks SchrΓΆdinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if SchrΓΆdinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. SchrΓΆdinger passes with flying colors, but he's now fidgeting and unable to make eye contact with the officer. The officer thinks that there may be something in the car, so he gets SchrΓΆdinger's permission to search the vehicle. He finds nothing in the glove compartment nor in the backseat. The only place the officer hasn't checked yet is the trunk. When he opens it, he's shocked at what he finds.
Officer: Sir, do you know that you have a dead cat in your trunk?
SchrΓΆdinger: Well, now I do...

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, kicking and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.

With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a condom."

I said, "I'm not the only one."

Two sisters and a bull

Two sisters, one is blonde and one is brunette, are trying to start a farm. The brunette sister finds a prized bull in the classified and leaves to check it out. She tells the blonde that she will contact her to come haul the bull back to the farm if she decides to buy it.

The brunette goes to the farm and decides to buy it. The farmer tells her that the bull will cost exactly $599, no less. So she buys the bull and heads to town to contact her sister. The only person she can find to help her is a telegraph operator.

The operator tells her "It costs 99 cents per word, what would you like to send?"

The brunette replies "Well I only have $1 left." She thinks for a while and tells the operator she wants to send the word 'comfortable.'

The operator asks "How will she know you bought the bull and want her to bring the haul from the word comfortable?"

The brunette replies "She's a slow reader."

A Parting Gift

An explorer, during a trek through an unknown jungle, made contact with a primitive tribe, and swapped basic language and customs. The day comes for the explorer to depart and, as a parting gift, he gives a fine silver mirror to the chief of the tribe. The chief takes the mirror in awe, and as the explorer explains it's basic function, starts to gaze lovingly at the back of the mirror, admiring the patterning. This goes on for a little while, until the explorer at last says

'You are supposed to look at the other side!'

The chief turns the mirror around briefly, flips it back and grunts 'Bah, picture of savage on back'.

What does Mario use to contact his dead brother?

A Luigi Board.

A man with only one ear interviews candidates for a job

He is kinda' sensitive about his missing ear, so he asks to the first candidate "do you notice anything different about me?"


The guy hesitates and says "yes, sir, you have only one ear". He is dismissed on point.


The man asks the same question to the second candidate, which replies "yes, one of your ears is missing". Dismissed as well.


The third candidate walks in and the man asks "do you notice anything different about me?". The guy looks closely and says "Yes, of course. You wear contact lenses".


Surprised, the man asks "whoa, how did you know that?"


The guy replies: "well, how could you wear glasses with only one ear?"

Last night I slept with my contact lenses on.

My dreams have never been clearer.

How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin?

They use a Milwaukee-Talkie

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

How do you contact a dead itallian?

With a Luigi board

I had to use my glasses when playing tennis.

Because its a no contact sport.

German Coast Guard

An English ship was approaching the coast when suddenly they started taking on a lot of water. The captain decided to contact the coast guard for help.



**Captain**: Mayday Mayday, This is the English Pearl, we are sinking.



**German Coast Guard**: Sorry, may you please repeat?



**Captain**: This is the English Pearl and we are sinking.



After a few moments of silence...



**German Coast Guard**: What are you sinking about?

The missionary and the black sheep

A young missionary travels to Senegal to teach God's way to a local tribe.

Upon reaching the village, he is not well received by the inhabitants, but he slowly and steadily create contact.
After many years he's finally accepted by the people and goes along well with everyone, until one day the chief's daughter gives birth to a white child.

Infuriated but not ungrateful for what the missionary has done for the village, he gives him one chance to explain himself in private.

The young man, who is innocent, tells him "I have nothing to do with it, it is just a hazard of the genetics. It's the same as with sheeps, most of them are white but sometimes a black one is born for no reason".

The chief steps back a little, gives a frightened look to the missionary, then whispers : "Ok, I won't say a word about my daugther, but don't you tell anyone about the sheep"

Mario's brother died...

But he was still able to contact him through a Luigi board.

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':

'Is that you, Steve?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'

I've been in a couple of threesomes.

Usually the other guy will be getting oral and I'll be hitting it from behind. I've found that as long as I don't make eye contact with the guy on the other end, or the guy in the middle, it doesn't feel gay.

3 blondes walk into a police station...

...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye."

He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear."

He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"

The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."

If you're looking for true love...

Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact.

In light of the Pope allowing aliens into the catholic church...aliens make contact with humanity

upon hearing the news, the Pope arranges to meet with the leader of the aliens.

Once the two are seated and have enjoyed a short bit of pleasant conversation, the Pope asks the alien leader, "tell me, have you heard of Jesus?"

The alien leader looks at the pope before smiling in realization, "you mean Jesus of Nazareth?" he exclaims, continuing before the pope can reply, "oh, we know about him! He comes to our world every few months, and he's always so friendly!"

The Pope's mouth drops in shock "but...how? Jesus hasn't returned to us for over 2000 years!"

The alien leader frowns and thinks for a moment. "well", he finally says, "every time Jesus comes to our world, we give him a box of chocolates. What did you give him the last time he came here?"

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*

Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken

Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas

Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken

Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car another time?

Why don't NFL players wear glasses?

Because it's a contact sport.

Always diagnose before you treat...

A woman walks into the dermatologists office complaining about a rash on her chest. The doctor asks to take a look, so she removes her shirt, revealing a large, red 'H' on her skin. Believing this to be a case of contact dermatitis, the doctor asks her what could have caused this. "Well", she said, "when my boyfriend and I get it on, he likes to wear his Harvard sweatshirt." He notices that she is obviously allergic to the paint on her boyfriend's sweatshirt; she is treated with a steroid and sent her way.

A few days later another girl comes in with the same symptoms. This time she has a large 'M' on her chest. The doctor decides to act like a hot-shot and show off in front of the girl. "Let me guess" the doctor says, "Your boyfriend went to Michigan?" "No", the girl says, "but my girlfriend went to Wellesley."

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses on last night...

My dreams never have been clearer.

Circle of life

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. 'So there is an afterlife! What's it like?' Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.' 'Oh, my God,' says Sid. 'So that's what heaven is like?' 'Oh no,' says Irv. 'I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park.'

NASA just reported they have lost contact with Voyager 1 after it crashed into something in the dark abyss of space

Apparently they found my ex's heart, which drains all energy.

I think my optometrist is falling in love with me...

Every time I leave his office he hands me a sample of contact solution and says, "Eye care for you"

What's unnatural in God's eyes?

Contact lenses.

"..A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news..'"

"This remind me of a hilarious joke. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news.'
'What are the bad news?' asks the patient.
'You only have 24 hours to live.' replies the doctor.
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!'
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!'
Haha! Always knocks em out!"

- The Joker on The Batman cartoon.

For all the people talking completely overblowing the net neutrality issue, I just want to say

THIS IS A PREMIUM JOKE
--------------------------
IN ORDER TO VIEW THIS JOKE
CONTACT YOUR ISP TO
UPGRADE YOUR SERVICE

Starting at just: $60.00/month

A man and a woman get married and the woman gets pregnant...

A man and a woman get married and the woman gets pregnant with twin boys. She and her husband discuss the children on end, and they come to the decision that they would not be able to support them once they were born, so they put them up for adoption. One son gets sent to Mexico, the other to the Middle East, and while they would have loved to keep in contact with their sons, laws kept them from doing so. All they were allowed to know was that one boy was named Jamal, the other Juan.

So, the couple live out their lives, until one day, a letter comes in the mail from one of their sons. Juan has sent them a letter after tracking down his birth parents, and also included a photo of himself for the two to see. While the parents are delighted to have heard from one of their sons, the mother cant help but feel disappointed at the lack of a letter from the other, stating that she wishes she could have seen a photo of him as well, to which her husband replies, "honey, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."

Identical Twins

A pair of identical twins is born and they are soon put up for adoption. One twin is adopted by a Spanish family, and given the name Juan. Another twin is adopted by an Egyptian family and he is named Amal.

Many years later, the biological parents decide that they would like to connect with their twins that were put up for adoption. Through the adoption agency, they contact the Spanish family and have a nice reunion with their son.

When the adoption agency asks the parents if they'd like to meet the other identical twin, the father says "No thanks. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Does anyone need an Ark?

If so contact me, I Noah guy.

How is France like francium?

They both burst into flames when coming in contact with anything.

How do you contact dead window cleaners?

Use a squeegee board.

A hundred year-old man and his 98 year-old woman contact a lawyer to arrange a divorce...

...and lawyer asks them "how long have you been married?"

"80 years" the man replies.

"Why do you want a divorce after all this time?" the lawyer asks.

"We hate each other. I hate everything about her. I hate how she talks, how she walks, how she sleeps, how she chews her food, even how she breathes" the man replies. "And she's ugly."

The lawyer looks at the woman, eyebrows raised.

"Yes, " she says, "and I hate him too. I hate his hobbies, his attitudes, the way he treats people, his politics, I cannot stand to be in his presence for more than five minutes. The man is a pig. And he smells."

The lawyer asks "how long have you felt this way?"

"50 years" the mans replies.

"More like 60" says the woman.

"Well then tell me, " asks the lawyer, "why have you waited until now to get a divorce, if you've hated each other for so long."

"We were waiting for the children to die."

A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting

But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.

I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.

Warning labels are stupid.

I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it

Sid and Irv & the afterlife

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. 'So there is an afterlife! What's it like?' Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.' 'Oh, my God,' says Sid. 'So that's what heaven is like?' 'Oh no,' says Irv. 'I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park.'

Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;

Apparently your cat, FlΓΌffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.

We're sorry for your loss.

Our resident String Theorist will contact you.

He can explain everything.

8{>

How to you contact tiny gangsters from beyond the grave?

Wee G Board

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My Tylenol bottle says "DO NOT TAKE IF SEAL NOT PRESENT."

Does anyone know how to contact him?

It's not gay if you don't make eye contact

At least that's what my dad said

What are the funniest contact jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Contact? Well, here are the best Contact puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Contact pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes