The Best 63 Cont Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cont jokes. There are some cont wombmates jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cont tag puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cont Jokes and Puns

A context joke

Have you ever noticed that when you say, "I hope you're hungry" in a place like America it's nice.
But if you say that in Africa it is a cruel joke.

Context is everything

"Jesus loves you!"

A lovely thing to hear in church. Not so much in a Mexican prison.

If contraception is birth control...

... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.

Cont joke, If contraception is birth control...

Self control

I stopped a girl getting raped today.

I used self-control.

Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant?

Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".

There has been some controversy regarding priests delivering sermons using an iPad instead of the traditional bible.

I think its perfectly fine. After all, Moses delivered the ten commandments using two tablets.

At a contest, I was asked to name one thing that is found in cells

Apparently 'Mexicans' was not the right answer

Cont joke, At a contest, I was asked to name one thing that is found in cells

Without context, where would we be?

Joke is the title. If you don't get it, think about it a bit.

Continuing the apparent theme of incest jokes...

How do you circumcise a boy from Missouri?

You kick his sister in the chin.

How do you contact dead window cleaners?

Use a squeegee board.

The control for the air conditioner was so far away

It was not even remotely close

You can explore cont sel reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cont cond dad jokes. There are also cont puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


"Right class," said the teacher. "Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"

Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.

"Yes, Johnny?"

"My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said, 'Blimey, that'll take the contageous!'"

When should contortionists get together for coffee?

It doesn't matter, they're flexible.

Contrary to popular belief, you actually CAN drink lava

but only once

I have used contact lenses my whole life...

I can apply them with my eyes closed.

This may be controversial to most people, but i feel it must be said. I FULLY support flying the rebel flag.

How else are we supposed to show our support and remembrance of the battle of Hoth, and our willingness to topple the empire and bring peace to the galaxy?

Cont joke, This may be controversial to most people, but i feel it must be said. I FULLY support flying the reb

What is the best contraceptive for old people?


Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many

Contest in Girls College About Sex and Mystery

Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Most Contradictory Inspirational Quote Ever?

"Follow Your Dreams."

-Freddy Kreuger, 2016

Why is I such a controlling letter?

Because I said so.

Contrary to common belief, only 5.7 million Jews were killed during the Holocuast, for you see...

the Nazis were known for rounding them up.

Help! My husband's too controlling!

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

I can control sheep by just listening to them

It's true, I heard them with my own ears

How many contractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll let you know when one of them calls me back.

How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub?

None, it's a union job.

How to you contact tiny gangsters from beyond the grave?

Wee G Board

I was contemplating engineering a newer, more advanced clone of my brain...

But then I realized I was getting ahead of myself.

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

I've been contemplating the pros and cons of masturbation.

On the one hand, it feels good.
On the other, not so much.

I often contradict myself

No, I don't.

And as he continued to walk, he noticed during the hardest parts of his life

there was only one set of footprints in the sand. He asked Jesus, why, and Jesus said...
"Those are Cris Cristie's...he kicked everyone else off the beach."

I don't like trying to contact our unborn child.

But my wife gets a kick out of it.

There was a controversial sale on music in lossless format.

I got a lot of FLAC from participating in it.

There was a contortionist competition being held

So I entered myself, and won

given the context, "hard at work" is something your boss would either really love or really hate for you to be

because erections

How do you contact a dead itallian?

With a Luigi board

Hello and welcome to Contradictions Anonymous.

What's your name?


My thoughts on it are exactly the same as ten years ago.

There has been some controversy lately...

...about what would happen if you put a lightsaber in water. Would it break? Would the water heat up or cool? Recent scientists have discovered the water will heat to about the internal temperature of a tauntaun...luke warm.

With all this controversy about being friend zoned made me nervous,so one day I bent down and hugged my best friend and told her I love her,and she

licked my face and wagged her tail!

My contortionist girlfriend does anything to keep me happy!

She bends over backwards for me.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm an optimist

I am confident that I'll die tomorrow


Why don't white people get a white history month?

Answer: Because you typically don't give a participation trophy to the kid who got first place.

Contradicting Coronavirus advice!

First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we're told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and naked, leave me alone... I'm conducting important medical research.

No Contact?

Places seems to be advertising No contact delivery , and No contact click n collect a lot these days. Was there ever a contact option?..

Thanks for the pizza, ready for the cuddle? .

A contest for political jokes is held in a communist country.

Main prize: 20 years

Contrary to popular belief there was more sex on the TV in the 50s and 60s than there is now.

Modern TVs can't support the weight.

control freak

me: knock knock

you: whos there?

me: control this is the part where you say "control freak who?"

What did the contrarian rooster say?


All these contagious people make me sick!

After contemplating the idea for a while, I decided to turn myself into the police.

It was fun while it lasted pulling people over and taking their drugs and stuff, until I got busted for impersonation.

Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake.

Just don't pick it up.

There's a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you

Second place is just a constellation prize

Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

Contrary to popular belief, Children are not a natural occurrence...

Turns out they are Man-made.

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

Want to contact a dead Italian....

Use a Luigi board.

A control freak has 5 kids, how many of them does it take to change a light bulb?

There's no point in trying, none of them can change anything.

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

Contrary to what historians will tell you, Napoleon had a more horrific death.

It turns out, the military leader had walked over an active land mine causing it to explode. Body parts were strewn all over the place. Yeah. That's right. Napoleon was Blown-apart!

In continuing attempts to reduce the worlds CO2 emissions, top scientists have found a way to make cars run on Parsley...

A spokesperson for the group has stated that they are now doubling their efforts to make trains run on Thyme.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cont ment jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cont vide piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes