Consuming Jokes
84 consuming jokes and hilarious consuming puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about consuming that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for ways to more efficiently consume jokes? This article provides tips on how to utilize time for maximum joke consumption. Learn about the best practices for maximizing joke-eating, so you can get the most out of your time.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Consuming Short Jokes
Short consuming jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The consuming humour may include short eating food jokes also.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock.... I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.
I'm here all day.. - Yesterday I ate a clock It was very time consuming...
Especially when I went back for seconds - Why is a seal with just one fin safe to swim in shark infested waters? Like everyone else, sharks know that if the seal is broken the food isn't safe to consume!
- Do you know why consuming ants is good for your health? It's because they have anty-bodies!
- I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes. I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.
.
.
.
.
I'll see myself out. - Against my better judgement, I decided to attend the local Cannibal Convention The decision has been nawing at me for some time now, but I'm trying to have fun and not let it consume me.
- My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.. I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
- I never thought I'd reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.
- Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.
Share These Consuming Jokes With Friends
Consuming One Liners
Which consuming one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with consuming? I can suggest the ones about conducting and eating too much.
- Eating clock is... time consuming.
Sorry. - I love the taste of clocks but… Eating them is time consuming
- What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer? He was consumed by his own pride.
- I once ate a watch It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.
- Eating food is a lot of work. It's the most calorie consuming thing I do all day.
- Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's pretty time consuming.
Cr - Don't eat clocks. It's time consuming.
- Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed? The Garden of Eaten
- I once tried eating an hourglass... It was very time consuming.
- Alcohol I would've never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver.
- What did the seal with the broken arm say to the shark. Do not consume if seal is broken
- Picking herbs is an awful job... ... It's very thyme consuming.
- Why do bodybuilders get huge when they consume protein? Because they eat whey too much
- How many fish did it take to consume my wife? None. There are no fish under my new gazebo
- Imagine eating a clock... That'd be time consuming.
Time Consuming Jokes
Here is a list of funny time consuming jokes and even better time consuming puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad said he ate a clock... So I asked him how it was.
To which he replied...
"It was time consuming." - What's The Downside To Eating A Clock? It's time consuming.
- I entered a contest to see how fast I could eat a clock. I didn't win. The whole ordeal was very time consuming.
- My friend ate a clock.... Well I guess you could say it was time-consuming
- I tried to make a robot that ate watches... but it was too time-consuming.
- There's a magical being that consumes seconds, minutes, and hours for food who will go away if you feed it enough It takes time
- I once served a pair of clocks for dinner, but I'll never do it again; it was two time consuming.
- I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*.
Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk - 9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on any ... consumer product, the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing. Trust me, I tried.
- We started a garden to grow our own spices. It has become very time consuming.
Consuming Alcohol Jokes
Here is a list of funny consuming alcohol jokes and even better consuming alcohol puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My closest companions are horses that seem to think they can consume a lot of alcohol. But I can drink them all under the stable.
- The doctor recommended cutting back on alcohol for a better quality of life. Then he saw my wife who had come to pick me up! He said, "You can consume all the drinks you want, it's healthy."
- Consuming alcoholic beverage is prohibited in my office! So I sit down with root beer on a square table sometimes.
- What happens after a venture capitalist consumes a lot of alcohol? Bad-venture time!
- What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol? My record is 21 years.
Gather Around for Fun Consuming Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about consuming you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean recovering jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make consuming pranks.
In honor of Lent . . .
It was a young couple's wedding night and as the night wore on the bride grew more and more anxious to consumate their marriage. Finally she said, "Um, honey? It's getting late and aren't we going to - well - do it?" "I can't," said her husband, "it's Lent." "It's lent?!" she exclaimed. "That's ridiculous! To who and for how long?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what's the difference between a normal consumer and a p**...?
A normal consumer aims to get the most bang for their buck. A p**... aims to get the most buck for their bang.
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This joke has various variations, I'll tell you this one...
One day John comes home to see his blonde gurlfriend sitting in front of a glass with 8 little spiders inside. He asks, "Babe, what's going on? You caught 8 spiders?"
She replies, "yes"
"what are you going to do with them?"
"Im going to eat them"
"WHAT! WHy?"
"Well I read that the average American consumes about 8 spiders per year, so I decided to do them all now to get it over with"
List of the shortest books
1. The Australian Book of Foreplay.
2. Contraception by the Pope.
3. The American Guide to Etiquette.
4. Healthy Marriages by the British Royal Family.
5. Consumer Marketing Ethics.
6. Career Opportunities for History Majors.
7. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan.
8. Integrity by Bill Clinton.
9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.
10. What I've Accomplished by Barack Obama.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband talks to a rabbi.
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
I didn't think Miss Hilton could consume all those painkillers at once, but wow!
Paracetomol!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One fine day, down at the local diner.
A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:
**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**
His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."
Gas stations should be ashamed for selling a poisonous product that we over-consume and that pollutes the Earth...
Seriously, Slim Jims are terrible.
For years I was addicted to the idea of building my own apartments.
The idea consumed me and I eventually developed a complex.
A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.
The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a man who just r**... 300 million people say after?
We are helping consumers and promoting competition, Mr. Pai said. Broadband providers will have more incentive to build networks, especially to underserved areas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've invented a rocket that intercepts incoming warheads by consuming them.
It's a cannibalistic missile.
I'm starting to identify more and more as trans-fat
I've been consuming a lot of gender rolls as of late.
Despite the fact that whenever I eat any products with wheat in I get stomach cramps, I still regularly enjoy consuming it.
You could say that I'm a gluten for pun-ishment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problem with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about consuming a mother of two.
But upon further consideration he was gladiator.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I live every day like it is my last.
Lying in bed consuming morphine while my family cries.
Alcohol Addiction
My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.
I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.
My Dr. says I need to slow down now. Even in the short term my addiction is affecting my fertility, damaging my immune system, and dehydrating my skin.
Before the start of the Pandemic, I never would have thought my hands could consume more alcohol than my mouth.
The priest said that my father would not get into heaven because greed had consumed his life.
But it's okay, he told me that if I donated my entire inheritance that he could probably work something out.
Reasons to Avoid Water
* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people exposed to water will die
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just read that in an alternate ending to beauty and the beast the Beast turns ravenous and eats Cogsworth
He was delicious, but the whole process was time consuming.
What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?
A Soviet apple quartering machine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last evening when I came out of hot shower after a long day of work, I saw my dog e**... watch.
It was time consuming.
A study by the Bureau of Consumer Protection has determined that the most common first name on consumer complaints is actually "Sharon."
My kindergarten teacher was right. Sharon is Karen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had this girl call me a snack, you know, in a s**... way
Little did she know how close she was to reality. I mean, I'm unhealthy, consumed quickly and people look for me when they're sad, lonely or bored.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My college roommate had this weird habit of yelling at his drugs before he consumed them.
It wasn't nice… to witness substance a**....
