Consultant Jokes
33 consultant jokes and hilarious consultant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about consultant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you need a good laugh? Check out these hilarious jokes about management consultants, recruitment consultants, tax consultants, and more. Whatever kind of consultant you need - from sap consultant to lactation counselor - these consultant jokes will have you rolling in laughter!
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Funniest Consultant Short Jokes
Short consultant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The consultant humour may include short counsellor jokes also.
- Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
- I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my magic 8-Ball and it said Outlook not good!
- Trading gold for a good consulting / corporate or office joke... Guys, it's been a long day, I need a laugh and I've got three months of gold to give away. Help me out?
- Mike goes to a law consultant. He asks: So how much do you charge per question?
Consultant: 150€.
Mike: Isn't it too expensive?
Consultant: Yes it is. So whats your third question?. - I had a consultation with a cardiac surgeon who has a penchant for stealing patients' organs. It was only my first time meeting him, but I could tell right away that he was a man after my own heart.
- A recent study has shown patient mortality rates increase with the age of the doctor Next week I have a surgical consultation with a particularly clever-looking newborn.
- So this guy is getting arrested and the officer tells him he doesn't have to speak without his lawyer present. When in jail, he consults his lawyer and asks...
Where the heck is my present? - How do you perform a circumcision? Consult your doctor, only a professional knows how to pull it off.
- What's the difference between a thief and a consultant. A thief will steal your money and leave. But a consultant will steal your money and try to help you find it.
- The wise spice trader was known for his sage advice He was less sought after for his oregano guidance, his thyme tips, and his rosemary consultations.
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Consultant One Liners
Which consultant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with consultant? I can suggest the ones about specialist and investigator.
- Where did all the Cyber security consultants go for the last few days? They ransomware.
- I need another name for a dinosaur. I should consult the Thesaurus.
- What goes up, must come down. If it hasn't after 4 hours,consult your doctor .
- Consult an audiophile before buying new headphones Their reasoning is pretty sound
- What did the management consultant think of his job? It was the Bain of his existence.
- How do Spider-Men get good in English? They consult the Webster dictionary.
- Why do skeletons make good consultants? They have no skin in the game.
- Did you hear about the free-lance magic advisor? He added consult to conjury.
- How did the recruitment consultant get fired? He just applied himself
- I asked my consultant what time it was. He asked me if he could borrow my watch.
- What do you call a counterfeit receipt for a memory consultant? A Freudilent slip.
- Did you hear about the cannibal's fashion consultant She had excellent taste.
BA DUM PSH - I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- Q: What deodorant do SEO consultants wear?
A: Lynx - Electricity is a great consultant It's always either positive or negative
Share Hilarious Consultant Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about consultant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean contractor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make consultant pranks.
Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:
"How long will I live?"
The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."
"Which holiday?" Putin asked.
"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."
Putin consulted with a fortune teller
The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.
Putin asks: "Which one?
To which the fortune teller responded, Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."
The consultant dies and goes to heaven
When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests:
'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?'
'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.'
'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied.
'We added up your time sheets', Peter said.'
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller
he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you."
"That's great!" says the excited frog.
"When will I meet her?"
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.
To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...
Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.
Inigo Montoya gets married
He tells his new wife that he has always wanted a son to carry on the family name. They try for several years, but never have any children. Upset, he takes her to Miracle Max to see what can be done. Miracle Max looks her over, asks some questions, consults his books, and comes back with the bad news. He tells Inigo that his wife will never bear children. It turns out that she's inconceivable.
"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."
My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."
"My minds made up." I insisted.
"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."
An Old Jewish Joke (you might have heard it)
h**... goes to see a fortune teller with a burning question. He enters her shop and sits before her.
"Fortune teller I have a question... when will I die?"
The fortune teller stares right at him and says without hesitation "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Offended h**... glares at her. "How can you say this? You haven't consulted your crystal ball or even done anything. You didn't even think about it!"
The fortune teller looks deep into Hitlers eyes and tells him:
"Any day in which you die will be a Jewish holiday"
A woman walks into a police station and says "Help, Ive bee r**... by a consultant"
The policeman on duty says "Consultant? thats pretty specific. Do you know him?"
The woman replies "No I dont know him"
The policeman asks "Then how do you know he's a consultant?"
The woman answers "Because he kept his jacket on and made me do all the work"
Adolf h**... went to consult a fortune teller
He asked the fortune teller: "When will I die?"
The fortune teller answered: "Sir, You will die on a Jewish holiday"
h**... asked back: "How are you so sure about that"
He replied: "Sir, whatever day you die on will be a Jewish holiday"
