Constipation Jokes
95 constipation jokes and hilarious constipation puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about constipation that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Constipation Short Jokes
Short constipation jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The constipation humour may include short constipated jokes also.
- One of the side effects of the COVID vaccine is constipation. After getting the first dose, you'll need to wait a few weeks for number 2.
- People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables? constipated
- *burst into doctor's office* ME: I'm no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I've had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out - A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh
- Have you seen the movie, "Constipation?" Of course not, it won't be out for a while.
Btw, I am a teacher and a 3rd grader told me that today. - What's the difference between a short sighted marksman and a constipated owl? One can shoot but can't hit..
- Did you hear about the constipated logician? He was able to de-deuce himself through reasoning.
- What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker? In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.
- Doctor says banana is good for preventing constipation. It didn't work for me ...until I found out that he meant I should eat the banana.
- What did Vladimir Putin say to himself when he was finally relieved of his constipation? Gladimhere Poopin
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Constipation One Liners
Which constipation one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with constipation? I can suggest the ones about diarrhea and bowel.
- I wanted to see that new movie titled "Constipated" It hasn't come out yet.
- Thank you for calling the constipation hotline... Please hold.
- How does a mathematician solve their constipation? They work it out with a pencil
- Have you seen the sequel to Constipation? Nah, number two hasn't come out yet.
- I registered to a website for constipation sufferers. It won't let me logout.
- I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation. I'm scared shitless.
- I was in a band called Constipation. We stunk. We didn't go anywhere.
- How do you say constipation in German farfrompoopin
- What did the constipated math teacher do? Worked it out with a pencil.
- Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
- How are bad dubstep and constipation similar? Both leave you waiting for the drop.
- The steps involved in constipation: 1) Sit on the toilet.
There is no number two. - Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil
- I tried very hard to pass my culinary school finals But I'm still constipated.
- How does baby Yoda pooped when he was constipated?
He forces it out.

Uproarious Constipation Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about constipation you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hemorrhoids jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make constipation pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a constipated dinosaur?
A tyranno-sore-a**....
ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...
Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My steer got constipated the other day...
...No b**....
LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out...
You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.
You guys heard of the movie "Constipated"?
Me neither...
I guess it's never coming out.
Did you hear about the constipated dyslexic?
He had trouble moving his elbows.
People who are constipated are such activists.
They're seriously always trying to start a movement...
Have you seen this new movie?
Heard this one from my 10 year old cousin.
Him: "Have you seen the new movie about constipation yet?"
Me: "No..."
Him: "It hasn't come out yet. But people are pushing for its release!"
I called the bookstore and asked if they had any books about constipation.
She told me it hasn't come out yet
Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives
His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: Man Gogh
His sister who loves disco: Go Gogh
His bouncy little Nephew: Poe Gogh.
How did the mathematian get rid of his constipation?
He worked it out with a pencil.
I'm not looking for the #1 constipation relief medicine in the market.
A #2 would do.
The doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.
I was worried shitless.
Constipated math teacher
Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?
She got so frustrated, she sat down and worked it out with a pencil!
I bet the first guy who got constipated...
... got scared shitless.
Wanna go see the movie constipated
Actually never mind it ain't out yet
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Sh***y Joke I came up with when I was little
A man was talking to his pet ox. He asked the ox Hey ox, what's your favorite number? The ox replied, I don't know. I guess I'll go with 1. The man thought for a second then exclaimed, But Ox, why not number 2? The ox replied, Constipation .
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What do you call a constipated conspiracy theorist?
An anti-laxxer!
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I asked my boss if I can have the day off due to severe constipation
He said no because I'm full of s**...
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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated
When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.
I said, 'I s**... you not.'
I was constipated
but the idea of being stuck on the toilet scared me shitless
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I took a sick day and lied that I had constipation
My boss bought it and even said he hopes I get well soon and stop being so full of s**...
A man walks into a bookstore and asks the young assistant,
"Do you have the book on constipation?"
She replies, "It's not out yet"
"Yep, that's the one"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the constipated hot dog say?
MUST...t**......
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"You're still constipated, aren't you Watson?"
"No s**..., Sherlock."
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My friend told me he's constipated.
I just don't believe him, he is full of s**...
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Constipation
Same s**... different day
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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor
Because, I swear, that guy annoys the s**... out of me.
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Old men and their bathroom problems (Long)
Three men are sitting around the table at their nursing home talking about bathroom issues because of age. The first guy says.
"At 6 every morning I try and s**.... But I am so constipated it takes an hour." The second man speaks up.
"Every morning at 7 I try and p**.... But it is slow and just drips out." The 3rd man says.
"I have you both beat. Every Morning at 6 I take a huge c**.... must be a pound of turns there. Then at 7 I p**... heavy. must be a gallon of p**...." The other two men look confused.
"Why is that bad."
"I dont get out of bed until 9."
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My teacher recently said that she has constipation
So I was like: "No s**...?"
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As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success.
Apparently, they don't give a s**....
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S. Holmes: Do you know what constipated means Watson?
Watson: No s**..., Sherlock?
(Cr
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Joe goes to the doctor with severe constipation
Doctor gives him two suppositories. Joe goes home and swallows them.
Next day he goes back to the doctor.
"Doc I am still badly constipated."
Doctor gives him two more suppositories, and Joe again goes home and swallows them."
He again goes back to the doctor the next day and says "doc I am still badly constipated.
Doctor: "Joe, I gave you four suppositories, what did you do with them?"
Annoyed, Joe yells at the Doctor: "what do you think I have been doing with them, shoving them up my a**...?"
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Someone asked me what I thought about constipation
I told them I couldn't give a s**....
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My wife says I'm emotionally constipated.
But I've not given a s**... for years.
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Being constipated s**...
Worst part is you can't do s**... about it
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What do you call a constipated cop?
Off doodie.
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A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of r**...".
The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of r**... helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed the same nun, totally drunk, with an empty bottle of r**... in her hand. "I thought you said it was for the mother", the cashiet scolded her. "Well yea exactly, she'll s**... herself once she sees me!"
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Whenever I'm constipated, I always take some laughing gas.
I do it just for s**... and giggles.
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The difference between getting over constipation and getting over diarrhea...
...is the difference between getting caught up on your s**... and getting your s**... together.
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Dr.Watson has constipation
*watson returns home after a visit to th doctor*
Sherlock: " So was I right about your stomach issues."
Watson: " Yeah no s**... Sherlock!"
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What do you do to help your constipated friend?
You beat the s**... out of him.
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Watson, what does constipated mean?
No s**... Sherlock
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You should never trust people with constipation.
Because they are full of s**...
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The compulsive liar goes to the doctor
Patient: "Doctor I'm constipated! I haven't been to the bathroom for 10 whole weeks!"
Doctor: "I think you are full of s**...!"
Patient: "That's what I'm saying!"
I'm disappointed that constipation is not known as
craphole tunnel syndrome.
"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Nope."
Nope who?
I *am* a bit constipated. Thanks for asking.
My friend took me to the movies to see 'Constipation'
However, the movie didn't come out yet.
We'll try again next week!
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my son got bad grades, I didn't tell him off, I just asked him if he was constipated
He just didn't seem to give a s**...
A woman goes to the Doctor about her constipation 'It's making me really uncomfortable' she says 'I just sit on the toilet for 6 hours ... and nothing happens'
'6 hours!?' The Doctor asks 'Are you taking anything?'
'Usually just a book' replies the woman
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What do you call a detective who has constipation?
No s**... sherlock
I'm constipated and got nothing to do.
I'm bored shitless.
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Did you hear about the 5 constipated men in the Bible?
1. Cain. He wasn't Abel....
2. Moses. He took 2 tablets....
3. Balaam. He couldn't move his a**...(it's in the Bible, look it up)....
4. King Solomon. He sat on the throne for 40 years.....
5. King David. He said no power in Heaven or on Earth could move him.....
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I had to cover my coworker's shift at work today. she said she couldn't come in because she was too constipated.
But I think she's full of c**....
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I've had constipation for 3 months
Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.
Doc says "what have you been eating"?
I said well doc I've been eating snooker b**...!!
What?? Snooker b**... Charlie??
Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porridge and a nice cup of tea.
Lunch is a sandwich a black, 2 reds and a yellow washed down with another cup of tea.
For dinner I have a nice steak, 4 reds 2 blues 1 brown again washed down with a nice cup of tea.
Doc said "hey Charlie I know where you're going wrong, you ain't eating enough greens!!"
