Constantly Jokes

Following is our collection of everytime puns and objectify one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Constantly jokes for adults, dirty eternally jokes and clean lot dad gags for kids.

The Best Constantly Puns

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

A desert island with six women

A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"

'Oh f\*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'

My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...

...it's called Norton

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.


Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

How to spot a millionaire, am I right? he winks and smiles at the bartender

No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire

Okay - so he must be extremely charming?

Larry is actually a man of very few words

Then what on earth makes him so incredibly popular with women??

I actually have no idea - every day he comes here, he just sits there quietly, drinking his beer, licking his eyebrows..

Why are most women bad at parking?

Because they have been constantly lied to about what 6 inches are

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

My wife is like gravity

Always there, and constantly bringing me down

My friend set me up on a date. He told me she constantly make Shrek references. I was pretty sceptical

but then I saw her face


Despite constantly dropping the ball...

Gravity is pretty reliable

Why are lesbians always low on cash?

Because they're constantly eating out!

I had sex with this girl that would constantly remind me of her age

I guess it's a German thing

All my friends are constantly complaining that I'm too frugal.

I'm not buying it.

Are you feeling sluggish and tired? Constantly yawning throughout your day?

There's a nap for that!

The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless.

He has been declared mentally unstable.

Some stereotypes just aren't true, not all gay people are flamboyant and constantly happy

Some of them are lesbians

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.


Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

What do neutrinos and I have in common.

We are both constantly penetrating your mom.

Why are all optimists blind?

They're constantly looking at the bright side of life.

I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse.

When do I get Adult Supervision?

A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in intercourse, but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have sex.

Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have sex with this gorilla?"

The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."

"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"

The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."

"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"

Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"

A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

A Winking Salesman!

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.

"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".

"Then show me", replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".

"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

My doctor constantly says I'm artistic.

I don't know why he keeps mispronouncing it, though

A doctor and an archeologist start flirting

After a while of the doctor asks:
- What do you do for a living
- Im an archeologist she answers
The doctor responds:
- Then I guess this isnt going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

A man is standing on a bridge over a dangerous river,

constantly saying "63, 63, 63..." over and over. Suddenly a tourist comes by and asks why is he just standing there repeating that number. The man didn't answer, instead he just pushes the tourist off the bridge into the river and says: "64, 64, 64..."

Cr

If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn

A computer joke...

I hear they make gender-specific versions of ActiveX now: ActiveXX and ActiveXY. Unfortunately, ActiveXX overflows for a few days every month and ActiveXY constantly tries to mount drives it shouldn't.

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

Today my son was sent home from school for receiving a hand-job from a girl in his class for the third time this year. Each time this has happened he has been given a stern talking to from the principal and had to change schools.

Tired of constantly moving around, I said to him "Son if this keeps happening
they are going to ban you from teaching altogether."

A man had a terminal illness.

His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.

Will it help? asks the man.

No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.

Two women are talking and the conversation veers towards work...

One of them says to the other:

"Work is great! The jobs are challenging, my coworkers are supportive and the pay is phenomenal. But there is one problem. The mail boy is constantly flirting with me and its borderline harrasment now."

"Well, what did he say?"

"Its just the one thing, everytime he passes by me he compliments me on how wonderful my hair smells."

"That doesnt sound too bad."

"Yeah, but hes a dwarf!"

When I was in kindergarten...

I met a really beautiful girl. We really liked each other. We were constantly kissing and holding hands, even showed our private parts, until one day the teacher came and caught us, needless to say, I got fired.

I constantly tell dad jokes even though I have no kids...

...Guess that's what they call a faux pa.

A pair of twins have a deal...

They constantly get in trouble with the law for various reasons and are frequently thrown in jail. They don't like staying in jail for too long, so they made a deal: if only one of the twins is arrested and imprisoned, the other twin will sneak in and swap places with them when they have spent half the time served in prison.

It's great to see these twins are so close that they're always finish each other's sentences.

Why can't women get close to the curb when they parallel park?

Because they're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes?

A heroine addict.

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

Your mom reminds of bricks

She's constantly getting laid by Mexicans.

Jews are so insecure...

they constantly remind us their country isreal.

I know this guy who constantly tells jokes about how often he craps his pants

Self-defecating humor

Someone told me recently that the healthcare.gov website was built by a Canadian company.

I guess that explains why the site is constantly freezing.

What's Orange and Lies Constantly?

A rotting clementine, but I like where your head's at.

I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.

She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who's going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

My English teacher constantly makes fun of me because I confuse my prepositions.

He's always rubbing it out.

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

Algebra walks into a bar...

Orders a drink and sits at the bar alone. The bartender sees him sending multiple texts while constantly looking at the door.

Finally the bartender asks, "looking for someone?"

Algebra responds, "yeah, I'm trying to find my x"

What kind of cow constantly has seizures?

Beef jerky

My older sister constantly and incorrectly uses the word "ironic" to describe situations in her life.

It's pretty ironic.

A person in my class is constantly playing with his watch

I wish I had that kind of time on my hands

My friend James is like a toilet seat...

...constantly being put down by women.

Help me find this joke

The joke is about a farmer returning from town and the sheriff meets him and gives him this list of constantly escalating inner connected bad news terminating with the revelation that the farmer needs to get a new dog.

My wife and I have recently moved into my Mother-In-Laws while our house is being renovated...

Being intimate is pretty tricky!

I constantly have to remind her that my Wife is sitting downstairs...

Why don't women have dirty minds?

Because they're constantly changing them...

[Computers] Why do Linux admins always take Xanax?

Because they're constantly battling their daemons.

Your mom is like a pile of bricks.

Constantly getting laid by Mexicans.

Have you guys heard about the irish boomerang?

it never returns but it constantly sings songs about how it wants to.

woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?"

The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

I don't like it when my girl calls me daddy during sex...

It's bad enough that I'm her father, but I don't need her to be constantly reminding me

A man in his 60s hoes to a brothel

... constantly shaking from his Parkinson's.

He tells the madam I want 5 girls.

The madam says are you sure? 5 girls might kill you. But the man is adamant and soon enough he's in a room with 5 girls.

Shaking from every joint as he lays on the bed, he tells 2 girls: you two, hold down my arms.

Then he tells 2 more girls: you two, hold down my legs.
Finally, the last one, you get on top.

Now, you 4, let go!

An old lady goes to the doctor.

"Doctor, i'm constantly passing gas. They're not loud and they don't smell. But I want it to stop."

The doctor gives the woman pills and says

"Take these and call me next week."

So a week later the old lady calls the doctor.

"Your pills didn't work, not only am I still farting, but they're also extremely loud."

"Good," says the doctor. "We've fixed your hearing, now lets fix your sense of smell."

I just bought a rotisserie but I might return it because it's so rude.

It's constantly flipping the bird.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she would CONSTANTLY accuse me of cheating.

I just can't be with anyone who sounds so much like my wife.

I try so hard not to upset my vegan girlfriend.

I'm constantly treading on eggshells.

Which she also doesn't approve of.

I keep having this reoccurring dream

Every night I dream I'm constantly changing between being a teepee and a wigwam. I went to the doctor and he told me "Calm down kid, you're two tents.".

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

A lady goes to a therapist to talk about her failing relationship.

Lady: Doctor! My husband has been pushing me around and constantly talking behind my back when we are around!

Therapist: That tends to happen when you're bound to a wheelchair ma'am.

What do you call an alligator that is constantly starting fights with his friends? [OC]

An instigator.

I argued constantly with my boss, so in the end I got the sack

And buried him in it.

How are neutrinos and i alike?

Were both constantly penetrating your mom

People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes;

The only good part is underground.


Note: I heard this one in Bulgaria.

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

Because they're constantly being lied to about what six inches looks like.

My friends say that too much of today's news can be discouraging--they say my habit of constantly reloading the CNN app will make me depressed.

but I think it's refreshing.

I'm the humanoid version of Windows95..

I'm slow, past my prime, constantly crashing, and no longer supported.

What do you call a keyboard with one letter constantly pressed?

O-pressed

I used to own two pairs of pants I played golf in constantly.

Sadly, I got a Hole In One.

Caitlyn Jenner is filing a Lawsuit for Sexual Harassment...

Claims that she's Constantly being Groped by Bruce Jenner.

Why is my cat constantly embarrassed?

Because he always has fou' paws!

There is an abundance of perpetually jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 85 funniest jokes and constantly puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any tirelessly witze you can hear about constantly.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes