Constant Jokes

Following is our collection of continuous puns and eternal one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Constant jokes for adults, dirty steady jokes and clean ongoing dad gags for kids.

The Best Constant Puns

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"


Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6


Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

Despite constantly dropping the ball...

Gravity is pretty reliable

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

The Trump administration is like the International Space Station

They're in constant free fall, and they needed Russia's help to get there

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

I hear Clark Kent is quite the overprotective father.

His children are under constant supervision.


What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill?

One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.

β€Œβ€ŒI likβ€Œβ€Œe mβ€Œβ€Œy womeβ€Œβ€Œn likβ€Œβ€Œe β€Œβ€ŒI likβ€Œβ€Œe mβ€Œβ€Œy mathematicaβ€Œβ€Œl constants.

Rounβ€Œβ€Œd anβ€Œβ€Œd irrational.

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Because they had constant arguments.

My wife left me because of my constant zodiac puns.

It finally Taurus apart.

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector

The constant beeping gave me a headache and made me feel sick.

Ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi lived a strange life

Because of his odd diet, he was plagued by a constant case of bad breath. This diet also left him rather thin and frail.

Because he didn't wear shoes, and he walked everywhere, he developed an impressively thick set of calluses on the soles of his feet.

All-in-all, he was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...

he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches. His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy. He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.

I constantly tell dad jokes even though I have no kids...

...Guess that's what they call a faux pa.


My town's population has remained constant over the last 30 years.

Whenever a girl gets pregnant, a guy skips town.

When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

I like my women like I like the constant 'e'

infinite in number and at the base of my natural log

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"

I got rid of my carbon monoxide detector last night

The constant beeping was making me feel sick and dizzy.

An old man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem gas.

"It's non-stop," the man tells his doctor. "I just have this *constant* stream of silent gas pouring out of me. It might shock you to know that it's even been happening since I came into your office."

"OK," replies the doctor. "The first thing I'm going to recommend is a hearing test."

I live in constant fear

I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.

My ex dumped me because of my constant Linkin Park references.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my latina mother-in-law

Her address is 1837 3rd St, LA 90023, blue house. She gets off work at 6.

Why is the 24th State so depressed?

It's a constant state of Missouri

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

I was filling in an online survey when it asked me what state I lived in

Apparently "constant despair" isn't an appropriate answer.

My wife left me because she believes I live in constant denial

Tonight we'll have a romantic dinner celebrating our 5th year anniversary

Planck's constant walks into a bar...

Planck's constant walks into a bar and orders dessert.

The bartender is a little surprised by this, but happens to have a couple desserts on hand.

"I can't decide," says Planck's constant. "Whenever I walk into a bar I feel divided by two pies."

Why did the scientist have such strong abs?

Because he kept his Planck's constant

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.

If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

My girlfriend has a constant case of halitosis...

So I guess it's a good thing I'm hung like a Tic-Tac.

A man goes to see a psychiatrist...

"Doctor, I feel like I'm going crazy! It's this constant back and forth: I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. What am I supposed to do!?"

"Relax" Says the psychiatrist, "You're two tents"

Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment.

And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."

What do you call an insect that hates changes?

A const-ant.

A wife found that her husband had hung himself after she came home one day

She found a note on the bedside table which read, "I'm sorry but I can't take your constant critism anymore."
She then quickly cut the rope, brought him down and somehow managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly became conscious again, she remarked:
"That's NOT how you spell criticism my dear!"

I remember once I threw a boomerang

It never came back so I've learned to live in constant fear.

To be a hipster is to live in constant suffering

You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool.

I live in a state of constant agony.

That state is Missouri.

My wife was very irritated with me for my constant need to act like a flamingo

so i had to put my foot down.

My girlfriend is getting annoyed with my constant wordplay.

I asked, "well tell me how I can stop".

"whatever means necessary"

"no it doesn't" I replied.

I went to the doctor to get something to help with my constant gloating

He gave me some cream but told me not to rub it in

I was told to live my life as though every moment is my last moment on the Earth

But my family and friends were annoyed with my constant panicked screaming.

The only constants in life are taxes, death, and...

99c+tax AriZona Iced Tea

When I integrate I don't add the constant

I guess I have my limits

Why do they want to change the faces on dollar bills but not on coins?

Because the only constant is change.

Why did Constantinople fall?

Itstumbled.

Three things in the universe are constant.

The speed of light, gravity, and laundry.

It may strike anytime now

I threw a boomerang several years ago.
Now I live in constant fear

Oh man this is bad

I threw a boomerang a couple years back...I now live in constant fear

Constantine XI : Ships can't walk on lands

Mehmed II the Conqueror: Hold my Kebab

Why do you constantly feel like you have to look over your shoulder in India?

Cuz people always behindu

Did you hear the one about the man who lived in constant fear of pillow fights?

He slept with a pillow under his pillow.

I kidnapped my neighbour's dog.

Let's see how he likes the constant barking.

What is mathematicians least favorite constant value?

Pai

I've been having constant sleep paralysis

In my last 3 dreams I was in a wheelchair

My wife suffers from a case of constant halitosis...

So I guess it's a good thing I'm hung like a TicTac.

Why would no fruit wanna date the handsome wholegrain bread?

Because they are in constant knead of some dough.

I live in the state of CA

Constant Anxiety

Why are people in St. Louis always sad?

They live in a constant state of Missouri.

A scientist figured out a way to freeze time.

It involved having to perform special exercise, because

the planks constant.

She confronted jack, talking about the constant staring and following she recieved.

If the beanstalking carried on, she would have to call the police.

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

Dear Algebra

Please stop asking me to find your X, who left you and I don't know Y. Constant complaints will result in elimination.

I used to work at the tinnitus support phone line, but unfortunately I had to quit...

...I just couldn't stand the constant ringing in my ears.

Erection problem

It gets hard talking about my problem with constant erections

What kinda ants do software developers like?

A constANT.

My x told me she doesn't wanna c me anymore and needed some space.

As a result I am now a constant in her life.

'I Love You' is a mathematical function

'I Love You' is a mathematical function where,

'I Love' - is constant and ;
'You' - is a variable..

I seem to have this constant stream of bugs trying to hang me.

They're really quite the noose ants.

5 men and 1 woman are shipwrecked...

...on a deserted island. Food and water is aplenty so with nothing else to do they resort to sex as the only recreation.
After a month of constant sex the woman says:
"I've had enough of this" and kills herself.
After another month the men decide:
"Enough of this necrophilia" and bury the woman.
Another month passes and men decide:
"Enough of this sodomy" and dig up the woman...

My wife has almost put a stop to my constant Stone Roses-based wordplay

She bans the puns.

You won't stop that wager-taker's constant complaining...

That's just the way the bookie grumbles.

What chemical compound prevails over constant negative press?

Carbon monoxide vanadium di-iron

Why do people from Istanbul always swim?

Because they're constant in a pool.

How do you measure the molar mass of guacamole?

With Avocado's Constant.

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise...

I shouted, "Stop!" but if anything, that made things worse!

I have once trown a boomerang

I have lived in constant fear ever since...

What state do you live in?

A state of constant misery

There is an abundance of continuously jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 83 funniest jokes and constant puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any detector witze you can hear about constant.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes