Considered Jokes
122 considered jokes and hilarious considered puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about considered that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Considered Short Jokes
Short considered jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The considered humour may include short considers jokes also.
- If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't. - If you could exterminate any race what would you pick? Personally, I'd get rid of the 800m. It's too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
- To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?
- Bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly
- Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
- My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties. He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
- Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't. - I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great But it's a job I can see myself doing
- I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese" But it's just a curd to me
- A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime' His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'
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Considered One Liners
Which considered one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with considered? I can suggest the ones about viewed and pondered.
- You'll never hear a hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke... They consider cows to be sacred.
- I just got the new iPhone for my wife All things considered a pretty good trade.
- If two white supremacists get a divorce... Do they still consider each other "cousins"?
- Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k? Because 3k was considered too racist.
- If a king farts... Is it considered a noble gas?
- If two vegetarians are arguing Is it considered a beef?
- The other day a clown held a door open for me. I consider it a nice jester.
- Yo momma so fat... She is considered a carbohydrate based life form.
- People say I'm killing it at work lately Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor
- If two vegans are arguing... Is it still considered beef?
- Why aren't koalas considered bears? They don't have the right koala-fications
- A man was found dead in vat of ground chickpeas. Police are considering it a hummus-cide.
- Why is René Descartes considered a thinker? Because he is.
- If two vegans don't like each other.. Is it still considered beef?
- I couldn't believe how expensive the new bike pump was! I hadn't considered inflation
Considered Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about considered you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean deemed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make considered pranks.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
A child asks his grandmother, "Grandma, whats it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
The grandmother replies, "Why, that's called s**... i**...". The boy considers this, then runs outside to join his friends. A short time later the boy runs back inside and says, "Grandma, you were wrong, its called bunk beds, and Billy's Mom wants to talk to you.
Cold Cold Canada.
There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right s**... dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
Nescafe and the Pope
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."
I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or s**...?"
I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.
Dough Boy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting...
This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese h**.... He has his way with the h**... and feels like he did a pretty good job, considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese. The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his h**.... He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"
A man goes in for a job application...
...and the interviewer asks, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"
"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality-telling what's real from what's not."
"Okay," said the interviewer, "and what about your strengths?"
"I'm Batman"
If 5 slaves had an o**... in the 1800's. . .
Would it be considered a three-way?
In school, the teacher warns her students...
..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."
The class's wise-guy says:
"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing s**...?"
The teacher says:
"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."
I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry
The job has its prose and Khans
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" p**...! The horse disappears.
I just finished a jigsaw puzzle.
It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.
This is b**.... Since when is dressing for the job you want, not the job you have considered "impersonating an officer"?
Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant...
Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.
If the number 6**... is considered evil
..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?
m**... should be considered a craft...
as it is 100% hand made.
Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population
#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census
Some consider romeo and juliet a tale of true romantic love...
But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...
I told my parents that I lost my virginity.
Which they didn't take well, considering they're Catholics.
They sat me down and said, "You must beg to God for forgiveness."
So I got down on my knees and said, "God, I've done enough kneeling today, please forgive me!"
I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?
Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.
A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.
She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car c**..., or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete s**... exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"
The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...
It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...
I Hear that Russia is so mad about the US airstrike in syria
That they are seriously considering voting democratic in the next election.
Idiot Teacher
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
My friend's nanotechnology company is doing really well.
In fact, it's doing so well that he's considering moving to smaller premises.
The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...
Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49
Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.
But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the f**..., Emily".
It's appropriate that Cyborg from the Justice League is black,
Considering that he's only 3/5 of a person.
I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me...
But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money...
Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...
You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."
An artist lives next to a Marsh.
Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."
CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...
You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.
This could turn into a total Meltdown.
Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...
...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.
I was bullied...
When I was a little kid this other kid in a wheelchair used to bully me but I couldn't do anything about it because I felt bad making fun of him. So for the rest of my life people knew me as the guy who "couldn't stand up for himself" and I think that's ironic considering it all.
If there are any idiots in the room, stand up...
...said the teacher.
After a while, one student stood up.
"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
"Well, actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced
When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:
"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"
"Because he's considering getting married"
Tesla is considering releasing a line of electric buses named after Egyptian gods.
It'll be A-new-bus.
Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.
Now it's considered kid stuff.
I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...
I donated 4 and I'm somehow a criminal
At the Helsinki Summit, Russia offered to supply both Translators
Which is nice considering they supplied both President
My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.
He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.
a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...
immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have s**... with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."
It really is weird it took so long for America to legalize gay marriage
Considering they have four fathers
Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?
Healthcare.
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
We all know that 6 was afraid of 7. But have you ever considered WHY 7 8 9?
It's because you're supposed to eat 3² meals a day.
BJ for Sore t**...
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.
"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My t**... really hurts."
Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore t**... I give my husband o**... s**... and the next day I feel great."
Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.
"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"
Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
Letter Z getting removed Joke
After carefully considering and debating the matter for over two years, the Engwish Wanguage Centwaw Commission (EWCC) came to the concwusion that the letter Z should be remowed from the Engwish alphabet.
zero becomes xero
zoo is now xoo
visualize becomes visualise
analyze becomes analyse
zodiac is now xodiac
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive
I had to really consider my boyfriend's proposal before giving an answer.
On one hand, I'd get a really nice ring.
On the other hand, I wouldn't.
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents
Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.
First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:
"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"
"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be closer to the railroad."
Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents,
which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.
What's considered t**... if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?
Manipulating the stock market
After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven
God asks him his name and on hearing "h**..." instantly remarks that he should be sent to h**.... h**... pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
h**... calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"
