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Conservative Jokes

124 conservative jokes and hilarious conservative puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about conservative that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

From the Patriarchy of the Conservative Party to the Democratic Party, this article provides a humorous look at the world of politics and how it affects our daily lives. Read on for a compilation of jokes about the political parties and their respective platforms.

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Funniest Conservative Short Jokes

Short conservative jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The conservative humour may include short liberal jokes also.

  1. How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb? Ten.
    One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for fox News to spin it.
  2. According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans But that's just a Conservative estimate
  3. A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar... the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'
  4. How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet. How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!
  5. A liberal, a conservative and a libertarian walk in to a bar.
    Bartender says, what'll ya have Mitt?
  6. r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard "This thread is for conservatives only"
  7. A liberal, a conservative and a moderate walk into a bar.
    The bartender says "Afternoon, Mitt! What can I get for you?"
  8. My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden. No way would she have done that if she were still alive.
  9. The Conservation of the Letter R Everytime a Bostonian "pahks his cah in the yahd", a Texan warshes something
  10. A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists. "Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.
    "No, we're mostly left."

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Conservative One Liners

Which conservative one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with conservative? I can suggest the ones about orthodox and right wing.

  1. American conservatives are pretty homophobic for people so proud of their four fathers
  2. I used my knife to conserve ammo... the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified
  3. What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters? You'll never de-fetus.
  4. So...I got banned from laser tag today Apparently you can't use a knife to conserve ammo
  5. What are the two things conservatives hate? The way things are, and change.
  6. I was at Boris Johnson's lockdown party It was pretty conservative.
  7. My grandma is very conservative. It would break her heart if she knew I was bi -partisan.
  8. Why are conservatives bad programmers? Because they keep getting triggered by the .libs
  9. Why do conservatives disagree with liberals? Because they aren't right
  10. Conservatives can't tell jokes But they sure can elect them
  11. Why are conservatives climate change deniers? Because they want to melt the snowflakes!
  12. How do you turn a liberal into a conservative? Move them out of thier parents basement
  13. What do conservative beavers build? Darns
  14. You know why I hate conservatives? They all make huge generalizations about liberals
  15. Why do conservative politicians have dirty minds? They hardly ever change their mind.

Liberal Conservative Jokes

Here is a list of funny liberal conservative jokes and even better liberal conservative puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Political bar joke A liberal, conservative, and moderate walks into a bar.
    The hostess says "Hi, Mitt!"
  • Why can't conservatives ever make good chili and barbeque? Because they have to be liberal with their spices.
  • Liberals are more generous than conservatives Not only are they generous with their own money, they are also generous with other people's money!
    (This is just a joke sorry)
  • What is the definition of a Saint? A dead liberal that is worshipped by living conservatives.
  • A young conservative man went on Reddit and pretended to be liberal to fit in. It's been almost a year and his family still won't shut up about fraudulent upvotes.
  • My conservative friends keep warning me that China has a PLAN But I don't see what the People's Liberation Army Navy has to do with anything.
  • UK ELECTIONS UPDATE It's post election fever in the UK.
    And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
    They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂
  • What's the difference between a liberal and a conservative? One wants to kill in the first trimester and the other wants to kill in the hundred sixtith trimester.
  • In the U.S., why are liberals better racecar drivers than conservatives? They only take left turns.
  • A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today. "I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.

Conservative Party Jokes

Here is a list of funny conservative party jokes and even better conservative party puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party? Chicken Cacciatore.
  • I'm just a conservative millennial I like to party Alt-Night.
  • What do you call a conservative acting as a mole in the Democratic party? A decepti-con.
  • What do you call a party for farts? The Conservative Party.
  • The Conservative party of Canada
Conservative joke, The Conservative party of Canada

Conservative joke, The Conservative party of Canada

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about conservative can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of conservative puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Rib-Tickling Conservative Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about conservative you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean republican jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make conservative prank.

China recently tried to gain favor with the rest of the world by releasing a video of all their native bears, standing in a big circle, to show their repopulation and conservation efforts. Some people thought it was great.

I think it was just panda ring.

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips

New Earring

John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".
"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.
"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"
... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

When the Saxons landed in England...

...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.
One group headed West and Wessex was born.
A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.
Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.
Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a single sip of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.
The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.
Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

Difference between Orthodox, Conservative, and Reformed Jews

At an orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a reformed wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!
People ask me this question I lot; this is usually the answer I give.

Milliband, Clegg and Farage have quit.

Proof that the Conservatives are forcing people out of work.

I often chastise my conservative grandpa for stereotyping black people..

I mean how rude it is to pick on jobless people raised by single mothers...

How do you know what kind of Jewish wedding you're at?

At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!

The IRA have been fighting for Irish reunification since the 70s. . .

All they needed to do was vote for the Conservatives.

I told my friend that I disproved the theory of conservation of mass,

But he didn't understand the weight of the situation.

So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...

... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."
So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."
The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

What do you call a room filled with members of the RNC all pointing in the air?

A conservative vector field.

The deep sea fishing administration has now implemented a program to conserve more fish...

It is called "Throwback Thursday."

8 Days' Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. What denomination? asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before 
replying, Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.

Did you ever notice...

That Kansas is a progressive rock band but a conservative state?

Why did the sloths vote to keep the coal mines open?

Because when it comes to energy they're conservative.

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

Conservatives want to repeal Obamacare

and replace it with a single prayer healthcare plan

What did the s**... liberal say to the conservative?

Alt-right alt-right alt-right

What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?

At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

Why couldn't the priest turn wine into blood

Conservation of Mass

Where do ultra conservative Muslims go to buy trinkets, crafts, and home goods?

Wahhabi Lobby

Conservative America really learned something this last election cycle

The word "deplorable"

My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had s**......

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]
...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

I noticed that youtube video thumbnails now play an animated gif when you hover over them.

When i noticed this, i was laying in bed with my conservative, traditional girlfriend, but without thinking, i say out-loud, "Oh, youtube finally caught up to pornhub with that awesome feature."
My girlfriend: What?
Me: What?

Conservation of Female Mass and Energy:

Conservation of Female Mass and Energy: for every male action, there is a greater and definite female overreaction.

How can conservatives be christian

if Jesus isn't even a US citizen

Why did the Alabama conservative Christian politician vote against abortion?

There will be Moore children to r**....

What do conservatives hate about mixed ethnicity math classes?

There's too much integration

LPT: Unplug your electronics to conserve energy, except for the fridge and the life support machine:

In those instances, you'd just be wasting vegetables.

Why are so many conservatives r**...?

They refuse to apply sunblock liberally.

I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

With this new Janus Supreme Court Decision

A lot of Conservatives are finally going to be able to secede from the Union.

Why wont America ever switch to using coins like in the EU?

Because conservatives don't like change.

Jewish man calls his mom. "Mama, I have good news and bad news..."

Mother, ever the optimist: "Give me the bad news."
Man: "I can't live a lie anymore. I'm gay."
Mother, a traditional conservative woman, after the wailing and the gnashing of teeth that was expected of her by her son, regains her composure and asks: "Well, what's the good news?"
Man: "So I met this nice Jewish doctor..."

The ironic thing about the James Gunn situation

I am seeing a lot of conservatives being anti Gunn

With all this stuff about the Guardians of the Galaxy director being fired,

the biggest surprise is seeing conservatives rally against a Gunn.

People want to help hippos and conserve them, while others dislike hippos for attacking humans.

Why are people so hippo-critical?

What spell did the magician cast when he wanted a seat that doubled as a conservative commentator?

Bench-appear-o!

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.
The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR.

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

Why aren't more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

…that means no s**... before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.

What do you call a conservative p**... that gets banned from twitter?

A Parler trick

Arguing with my ultra conservative father always went the same way - Me: I thought ...

Him: That was your first problem.

Why are conservatives known as r**...?

They don't use sunscreen because the bottle says to apply liberally.

A Republican and a Democrat found a magic lamp

The genie said "I will grant one wish per person". The Republican immediately jumped forward and said "I wish all Republicans and conservatives had their own planet, separate from all these libs." The genie nodded and the Republican vanished. The Democrat then asked "Are they all on their own planet?" "Yes" said the genie. "Are you sure? All of them?" The genie said "Yes" one more time. Then the Democrat said "I guess I'll just have a glass of water then."

I saw a homeless man the other day and I had some money on me. I wanted to be conservative with it

So I told him to get a job

On the first day God created the heavens, the earth and the Conservative

Conservative looked around and said "eh, I liked it better yesterday!"

I read that conservatives want to ban CRT.

I'm not happy with that. I can't afford a new television right now.

Conservative joke, I read that conservatives want to ban CRT.

jokes about conservative

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these conservative jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.