Conservative Jokes

Following is our collection of democrat puns and homophobic one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Conservative jokes for adults, dirty gop jokes and clean centrist dad gags for kids.

The Best Conservative Puns

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters?

You'll never de-fetus.

New Earring

John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".

"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it,'s only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.

"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"

... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar...

the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'

My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

A liberal, a conservative and a libertarian walk in to a bar.

Bartender says, what'll ya have Mitt?

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.

I said, "Don't jump."

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What denomination?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.

--Emo Philips

A liberal, a conservative and a moderate walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Afternoon, Mitt! What can I get for you?"

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

Why did the Alabama conservative Christian politician vote against abortion?

There will be Moore children to rape.

My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

Jewish man calls his mom. "Mama, I have good news and bad news..."

Mother, ever the optimist: "Give me the bad news."

Man: "I can't live a lie anymore. I'm gay."

Mother, a traditional conservative woman, after the wailing and the gnashing of teeth that was expected of her by her son, regains her composure and asks: "Well, what's the good news?"

Man: "So I met this nice Jewish doctor..."

I noticed that youtube video thumbnails now play an animated gif when you hover over them.

When i noticed this, i was laying in bed with my conservative, traditional girlfriend, but without thinking, i say out-loud, "Oh, youtube finally caught up to pornhub with that awesome feature."

My girlfriend: What?
Me: What?

Why are conservatives bad programmers?

Because they keep getting triggered by the .libs

8 Days' Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. What denomination? asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before 
replying, Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.

What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?

At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

My grandma is very conservative. It would break her heart if she knew I was bi


I often chastise my conservative grandpa for stereotyping black people..

I mean how rude it is to pick on jobless people raised by single mothers...

What do conservatives hate about mixed ethnicity math classes?

There's too much integration

Why are conservatives climate change deniers?

Because they want to melt the snowflakes!

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.

The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

What do conservative beavers build?


Why aren't more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

Why are so many conservatives rednecks?

They refuse to apply sunblock liberally.

Conservative America really learned something this last election cycle

The word "deplorable"

Conservatives want to repeal Obamacare

and replace it with a single prayer healthcare plan

My conservative friends keep warning me that China has a PLAN

But I don't see what the People's Liberation Army Navy has to do with anything.

I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

How do you know what kind of Jewish wedding you're at?

At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is pregnant.

At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!

What's the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

One wants to kill in the first trimester and the other wants to kill in the hundred sixtith trimester.

A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR.

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

Difference between Orthodox, Conservative, and Reformed Jews

At an orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a reformed wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!

People ask me this question I lot; this is usually the answer I give.

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...

... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."

So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."

The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

Why did the sloths vote to keep the coal mines open?

Because when it comes to energy they're conservative.

What do you call a room filled with members of the RNC all pointing in the air?

A conservative vector field.

What spell did the magician cast when he wanted a seat that doubled as a conservative commentator?


I'm just a conservative millennial

I like to party Alt-Night.

Political bar joke

A liberal, conservative, and moderate walks into a bar.

The hostess says "Hi, Mitt!"

Did you ever notice...

That Kansas is a progressive rock band but a conservative state?


It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in LabourπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Why do conservative politicians have dirty minds?

They hardly ever change their mind.

Trump may be 2 trillion short on his budget...

It's not his fault, though. It's just a Conservative estimate.

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a single sip of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.

The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.

Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

An art museum in Virginia...

An art museum in Virginia recently opened an exhibition of Robert Mapplethorpe's male nudes. The display of that kind of art in a conservative state has lead to a great deal of local controversy, with local church groups picketing the museum, along with counter-demonstrators by art lovers, civil libertarians, and gay rights groups.

The local paper has begun referring to it as the Battle of Manasses.

Did you hear about the football offensive coordinator who was republican?

He was a conservative playcaller.

How can conservatives be christian

if Jesus isn't even a US citizen

Conservative Comedy

I'd listen to conservative comedy, but the state of it is kind of a joke.

A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today.

"I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.

Kate Middleton was in labor?

I thought she was conservative...

How do you turn a liberal into a conservative?

Move them out of thier parents basement

I just explained to my socially conservative friend that watermelons are more than 90% water.

He said, I'm never eating a kumquat again.

What do you call a conservative acting as a mole in the Democratic party?

A decepti-con.

why can't conservatives work at a checkout counter?

Because they don't like change...

Where do ultra conservative Muslims go to buy trinkets, crafts, and home goods?

Wahhabi Lobby

How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they can't change anything.

What did the stoner liberal say to the conservative?

Alt-right alt-right alt-right

Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus

How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out?

If conservatives have 4chan and liberals have tumblr, what do centrists have?

A life.

What do you call a conservative losing most of their brain cells?

A hypocrite getting an abortion.

Conservatives believe good government is X + Y. Liberals believe it's X + Z.

Which is why Liberals call every conservative a "Not Z"

What do you call a gay conservative?

A suppository

What did the conservative say when a politician's accuser went to the media instead of the police?

Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up!

What do conservatives, republicans, liberals, and democrats all have in common?

They're all boring people for getting so involved in politics

What did the conservative buffalo say when his son came out of the closet?



Vote early!
Vote your conscience!
Vote! Even if you've never voted before!
Vote! If your an Conservative, Vote!
Vote! If your an Democrat, Vote!
Vote! If your an Independent, Vote!
Vote! If your an Libertarian, Vote!
Vote! If your Republican, vote like you've never voted before!

Which animal's conservative parents are most disappointed in them?

The bi-son.

How does a Conservative wizard summon a bench?

Bensh Apiro

There is an abundance of socially jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes and conservative puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any socialists witze you can hear about conservative.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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