The Best 69 Conservative Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Conservative jokes. There are some conservative homophobic jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these conservative centrist puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Conservative Jokes and Puns

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar...

the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.

I said, "Don't jump."

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What denomination?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.

--Emo Philips

Conservative joke, Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

New Earring

John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".

"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.

"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"

... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

A liberal, a conservative and a libertarian walk in to a bar.

Bartender says, what'll ya have Mitt?


A liberal, a conservative and a moderate walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Afternoon, Mitt! What can I get for you?"

Political bar joke

A liberal, conservative, and moderate walks into a bar.

The hostess says "Hi, Mitt!"

Conservative joke, Political bar joke

My grandma is very conservative. It would break her heart if she knew I was bi

-partisan.

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a single sip of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.

The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.

Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

An art museum in Virginia...

An art museum in Virginia recently opened an exhibition of Robert Mapplethorpe's male nudes. The display of that kind of art in a conservative state has lead to a great deal of local controversy, with local church groups picketing the museum, along with counter-demonstrators by art lovers, civil libertarians, and gay rights groups.

The local paper has begun referring to it as the Battle of Manasses.

Difference between Orthodox, Conservative, and Reformed Jews

At an orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a reformed wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!

People ask me this question I lot; this is usually the answer I give.

You can explore conservative democrat reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean conservative gop dad jokes. There are also conservative puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How do you turn a liberal into a conservative?

Move them out of thier parents basement

Kate Middleton was in labor?

I thought she was conservative...

Conservative Comedy

I'd listen to conservative comedy, but the state of it is kind of a joke.

What do you call a conservative acting as a mole in the Democratic party?

A decepti-con.

What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters?

You'll never de-fetus.

Conservative joke, What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters?

I often chastise my conservative grandpa for stereotyping black people..

I mean how rude it is to pick on jobless people raised by single mothers...

How do you know what kind of Jewish wedding you're at?

At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is pregnant.

At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!

So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...

... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."

So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."

The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"


why can't conservatives work at a checkout counter?

Because they don't like change...

Did you hear about the football offensive coordinator who was republican?

He was a conservative playcaller.

How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they can't change anything.

What do you call a room filled with members of the RNC all pointing in the air?

A conservative vector field.

8 Days' Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. What denomination? asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before 
replying, Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.

Did you ever notice...

That Kansas is a progressive rock band but a conservative state?

Why did the sloths vote to keep the coal mines open?

Because when it comes to energy they're conservative.

Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus

How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out?

Conservatives want to repeal Obamacare

and replace it with a single prayer healthcare plan

What did the stoner liberal say to the conservative?

Alt-right alt-right alt-right

Why are conservatives climate change deniers?

Because they want to melt the snowflakes!

What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?

At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

Where do ultra conservative Muslims go to buy trinkets, crafts, and home goods?

Wahhabi Lobby

Trump may be 2 trillion short on his budget...

It's not his fault, though. It's just a Conservative estimate.

Conservative America really learned something this last election cycle

The word "deplorable"

UK ELECTIONS UPDATE

It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in LabourπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

I noticed that youtube video thumbnails now play an animated gif when you hover over them.

When i noticed this, i was laying in bed with my conservative, traditional girlfriend, but without thinking, i say out-loud, "Oh, youtube finally caught up to pornhub with that awesome feature."

My girlfriend: What?
Me: What?

I'm just a conservative millennial

I like to party Alt-Night.

How can conservatives be christian

if Jesus isn't even a US citizen

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

What's the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

One wants to kill in the first trimester and the other wants to kill in the hundred sixtith trimester.

Why did the Alabama conservative Christian politician vote against abortion?

There will be Moore children to rape.

What do conservatives hate about mixed ethnicity math classes?

There's too much integration

What did the conservative say when a politician's accuser went to the media instead of the police?

Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up!

Why do conservative politicians have dirty minds?

They hardly ever change their mind.

What do you call a gay conservative?

A suppository

Why are so many conservatives rednecks?

They refuse to apply sunblock liberally.

I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

What do you call a conservative losing most of their brain cells?

A hypocrite getting an abortion.

What do conservative beavers build?

Darns

Why are conservatives bad programmers?

Because they keep getting triggered by the .libs

My conservative friends keep warning me that China has a PLAN

But I don't see what the People's Liberation Army Navy has to do with anything.

If conservatives have 4chan and liberals have tumblr, what do centrists have?

A life.

Jewish man calls his mom. "Mama, I have good news and bad news..."

Mother, ever the optimist: "Give me the bad news."

Man: "I can't live a lie anymore. I'm gay."

Mother, a traditional conservative woman, after the wailing and the gnashing of teeth that was expected of her by her son, regains her composure and asks: "Well, what's the good news?"

Man: "So I met this nice Jewish doctor..."

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

I just explained to my socially conservative friend that watermelons are more than 90% water.

He said, I'm never eating a kumquat again.

Why did the dyslexic conservative get destroyed in his primary?

He vowed to vote against Texas no matter what.

Conservatives believe good government is X + Y. Liberals believe it's X + Z.

Which is why Liberals call every conservative a "Not Z"

A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today.

"I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.

What spell did the magician cast when he wanted a seat that doubled as a conservative commentator?

Bench-appear-o!

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.

The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR.

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

Why aren't more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

…that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.

β€ŸHello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks β€ŸAnd why is that?

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… β€ŸWell, its just that mine have gotten tired.

What do you call a conservative prostitute that gets banned from twitter?

A Parler trick

Arguing with my ultra conservative father always went the same way - Me: I thought ...

Him: That was your first problem.

Why are conservatives known as rednecks?

They don't use sunscreen because the bottle says to apply liberally.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the conservative socially jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working conservative socialists piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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