The Best 55 Connery Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Connery jokes. There are some connery crowe jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these connery rogers puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Connery Jokes and Puns
What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share?
Shelfish
What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?
"Shomething'sh Amish..."
Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...
whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I have only my shelf to blame"
two sean connery jokes for the price of none........
**q:** what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon? **a:** tennish --- **q:** when sean connery sprays febreze in his bathroom, what does it smell like? **a:** shitrus.
Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All
*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.
What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster?
Shellfish.
What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?
The cat shat on the mat.
What happened when Sean Connery tried learning 3d modelling?
He made a mesh.
One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again.
To sit on his face.
You can explore connery hefner reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean connery hatin dad jokes. There are also connery puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?
He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
"Tennish"
What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?
I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.
How does Sean Connery shave?
Ctrl+S
Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.
When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."
If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar...
He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.
Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it?
Tennish.
Sean Connery was in his private library.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?
He kept trying to shave the princess.
Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...
They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.
Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."
Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."
And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."
Does Sean Connery like herbs?
Yes, but only partially.
What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?
"You're two shellfish."
The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!
(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.
Sean Connery walks into a bar
Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."
Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?
In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?
Like a Bosch!
Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen?
He had Dish-abilities
What does Sean Connery call a shrimp that won't share?
Shellfish.
Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once.
** comedy silence **
I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.
He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.
Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...
That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.
What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?
Shelfies
alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?
Shellfies
alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?
Shell Fees
alt. Why did my wife leave me?
Herpes
I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me...
"I'm ashamed of my shelf.
My chemistry teacher asked me a question in class.
She told to me to rank all the bonds.
So I did.
1) Connery
2) Craig
3) Brosnan
4) Dalton
5) Lazenby
She sent me outside the class. I still wonder if there were any Moore?
What time does Sean Connery get to his seat at Wimbledon?
Tennish.
Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before
A rare moment of shelf discovery.
Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head.
Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.
What did Sean Connery say in a dirty kitchen?
Dishes, concerning.
Co worker told me this one
Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing making a movie about great composers.
Sean Connery says Only if I get to be Mozart
Stallone says Then I'll be Beethoven
Arnold says I'll be Bach
I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.
But only partially.
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell down and hit him on the head?
I can only blame my shelf
How does Sean Connery shave?
Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.
Safe travels, Sir.
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
In memorial of Sean Connery: My favorite knock knock joke. (Say out loud for best effect)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dish
Dish Who?
(Said in Sean Connery accent) DISH IS SEAN CONNERY LET ME IN!
Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly
I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur
So Sean Connery Died today.....
Couldn't he have died another day?
(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)
Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?
It was an egg shell lent idea
Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery.
He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.
Sean Connery is at his first day of Kindergarten...
The boy acts up, so the teacher tells him to go sit in the corner.
A few minutes later, a horrible smell begins to emanate from where Sean is.
"Sean!" The teacher screams, "What did you do that for?!"
"Well, Mish" Sean replies. "You did tell me to shit in the corner..."
What would a sadistic Sean Connery sex shop be called?
Lash But Not Leash
What time did Sean Connery watch Wimbledon?
Tenish
Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY
He has only his shelf to blame
Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend.
He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"
She says "Tennish"
He says, "I know but what time?"
What time did Sean Connery go to bed when he visited Wimbledon?
Tennish
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the connery neeson jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working connery trebek piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.