Connery Jokes
112 connery jokes and hilarious connery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about connery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Connery Short Jokes
Short connery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The connery humour may include short sean connery jokes also.
- Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night... That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.
- Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery. He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.
- What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside? "Shomething'sh Amish..."
- Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face... whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.
- Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection. - Where does Sean Connery keep his guns? In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
- Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
- Sean Connery's New Job Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"
Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket" - In memorial of Sean Connery: My favorite knock knock joke. (Say out loud for best effect) Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dish
Dish Who?
(Said in Sean Connery accent) DISH IS SEAN CONNERY LET ME IN! - The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE! (Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.
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Connery One Liners
Which connery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with connery? I can suggest the ones about roger and .
- How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S
- What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"
- A book falls on Sean Connery's head "Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
- One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again. To sit on his face.
- Does Sean Connery like herb? Yes, but only partially.
- What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.
- Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen? He had Dish-abilities
- What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? "Tennish"
- If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar... He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.
- What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish
- What time did Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish.
- What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster? Shellfish.
- I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs. But only partially.
- How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.
Safe travels, Sir. - What time did Sean Connery go to bed when he visited Wimbledon? Tennish
Sean Connery Jokes
Here is a list of funny sean connery jokes and even better sean connery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books. He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.
- When Sean Connery first learned to talk.. he would pronounce his name like "Sawn."
His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a "SH" sound.
And the resht is hishtory. - Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head. Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.
- What did Sean Connery say when a book fell down and hit him on the head? I can only blame my shelf
- Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter? It was an egg shell lent idea
- Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it? Tennish.
- So Sean Connery Died today..... Couldn't he have died another day?
(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!) - Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend. He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"
She says "Tennish"
He says, "I know but what time?" - Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY He has only his shelf to blame
- I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me... "I'm ashamed of my shelf.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Connery Jokes
What funny jokes about connery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make connery pranks.
At what time does Sean Connery like to watch the Williams sisters play?
Tennish.
What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share?
Shelfish
What did Sean Connery say about the s**... tree carving?
T'was a nice piece of ash.
A schmooze....
...what Sean Connery calls an afternoon nap
two sean connery jokes for the price of none........
**q:** what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon? **a:** tennish --- **q:** when sean connery sprays febreze in his bathroom, what does it smell like? **a:** shitrus.
Sean Connery: He Only Carries Plastic
*Again, read in the man's unmistakable voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a hundred dollar bill?
Well, I don't have the cash on me to break a hundred. But I did break your mother last night.
What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?
The cat s**... on the mat.
What happened when Sean Connery tried learning 3d modelling?
He made a mesh.
What type of cologne does Sean Connery wear?
Old Spies
What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?
I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.
Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.
When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."
Where does Sean Connery sit?
In the toilet.
Why was Sean Connery accused of piracy while drinking tea?
He took a ship.
Sean Connery was in his private library.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?
He kept trying to shave the princess.
Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...
They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.
Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."
Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."
And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."
Why does Sean Connery s**... at DIY?
A lack of shelf awareness.
What's different for Sean Connery when he has s**... with his wife or with a p**...?
It's the shame.
What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?
"You're two shellfish."
Sean Connery walks into a bar
Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."
Stop eating all the shrimp, Sean Connery
It's shellfish.
How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?
Like a b**...!
What time does Sean Connery turn up at Wimbledon?
Tennish.
When does Sean Connery enjoy playing his favorite sport?
Ten-ish.
That's the last time I'll do my Sean Connery impression...
...and tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...
What does Sean Connery call a shrimp that won't share?
Shellfish.
Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once.
** comedy silence **
Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?
He was trying to be a little less shellfish.
What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?
Shelfies
alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?
Shellfies
alt. What do hermit c**... call their utility bills?
Shell Fees
alt. Why did my wife leave me?
h**...
How does Sean Connery Shave?
Control esh.
My chemistry teacher asked me a question in class.
She told to me to rank all the bonds.
So I did.
1) Connery
2) Craig
3) Brosnan
4) Dalton
5) Lazenby
She sent me outside the class. I still wonder if there were any Moore?
Why was Sean Connery asked to leave the wildlife conservatory?
He kept saying he wanted to shave the animals.
TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.
My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....
I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.
Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.
When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."
Knock knock
Who's there? Dishes Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery
What time does Sean Connery get to his seat at Wimbledon?
Tennish.
Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before
A rare moment of shelf discovery.
Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.
Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"
Sean Connery told me he got a tattoo of armour on his mouth, and that I mustn't tell anyone.
"OK," I replied, "And I recently cheated on my wife. So you must keep my secret, if you want me to keep yours."
He said, "My lips are shield."
What did Sean Connery say in a dirty kitchen?
Dishes, concerning.
Co worker told me this one
Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing making a movie about great composers.
Sean Connery says Only if I get to be Mozart
Stallone says Then I'll be Beethoven
Arnold says I'll be Bach
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly
I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to s**... on his chauffeur
Sean Connery is at his first day of Kindergarten...
The boy acts up, so the teacher tells him to go sit in the corner.
A few minutes later, a horrible smell begins to emanate from where Sean is.
"Sean!" The teacher screams, "What did you do that for?!"
"Well, Mish" Sean replies. "You did tell me to s**... in the corner..."
What would a sadistic Sean Connery s**... shop be called?
Lash But Not Leash
What time did Sean Connery watch Wimbledon?
Tenish
Why does Sean Connery have trouble housebreaking his dog?
Because every time he tells them to sit they take a s**....
Why does Sean Connery have the misconception that crustaceans are egocentric?
Because they are shellfish.
Why did Sean Connery throw away his zucchini?
Courgette was rotten
Sean Connery had his dog trained
He got the dog to do all kinds of tricks. Roll over, do a flip, fetch certain items, but anytime he tried to get the dog to sit, it would d**... on the floor.
A man s**... at a table in a bar.
This is why Sean Connery never told jokes.
What did Sean Connery say after his woodworking project didn't turn out well?
"I'm ashamed of my shelf"
