Following is our collection of hefner puns and crowe one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Connery jokes for adults, dirty hatin jokes and clean rogers dad gags for kids.
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That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.
"I have only my shelf to blame"
"Shomething'sh Amish..."
whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
To sit on his face.
Yes, but only partially.
Tennish.
*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.
In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.
He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.
He had Dish-abilities
"Tennish"
Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.
** comedy silence **
I can only blame my shelf
Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing making a movie about great composers.
Sean Connery says Only if I get to be Mozart
Stallone says Then I'll be Beethoven
Arnold says I'll be Bach
He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.
Tennish.
Shellfish.
But only partially.
She told to me to rank all the bonds.
So I did.
1) Connery
2) Craig
3) Brosnan
4) Dalton
5) Lazenby
She sent me outside the class. I still wonder if there were any Moore?
"I'm ashamed of my shelf.
They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.
Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."
Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."
And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."
He kept trying to shave the princess.
Like a Bosch!
**q:** what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon? **a:** tennish --- **q:** when sean connery sprays febreze in his bathroom, what does it smell like? **a:** shitrus.
Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."
He made a mesh.
When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."
Shelfish
Tennish.
A rare moment of shelf discovery.
The cat shat on the mat.
I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.
Shellfish.
Dishes, concerning.
*Again, read in the man's unmistakable voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a hundred dollar bill?
Well, I don't have the cash on me to break a hundred. But I did break your mother last night.
A lack of shelf awareness.
Shelfies
alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?
Shellfies
alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?
Shell Fees
alt. Why did my wife leave me?
Herpes
"You're two shellfish."
He was trying to be a little less shellfish.
...what Sean Connery calls an afternoon nap
My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....
I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.
...and tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...
Old Spies
"OK," I replied, "And I recently cheated on my wife. So you must keep my secret, if you want me to keep yours."
He said, "My lips are shield."
In the toilet.
It's the shame.
When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."
Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"
There is an abundance of neeson jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes and connery puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any trebek witze you can hear about connery.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.