Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Connery puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
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That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.
"I have only my shelf to blame"
"Shomething'sh Amish..."
whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
To sit on his face.
Yes, but only partially.
Tennish.
*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.
In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.
As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."
(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.
He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.
He had Dish-abilities
"Tennish"
Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.
** comedy silence **
He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.
Tennish.
Shellfish.
She told to me to rank all the bonds.
So I did.
1) Connery
2) Craig
3) Brosnan
4) Dalton
5) Lazenby
She sent me outside the class. I still wonder if there were any Moore?
"I'm ashamed of my shelf.
They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.
Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."
Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."
And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."
He kept trying to shave the princess.
Like a Bosch!
Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."
**q:** what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon? **a:** tennish --- **q:** when sean connery sprays febreze in his bathroom, what does it smell like? **a:** shitrus.
He made a mesh.
Shelfish
A rare moment of shelf discovery.
Tennish.
When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."
I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.
The cat shat on the mat.
Shellfish.
*Again, read in the man's unmistakable voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a hundred dollar bill?
Well, I don't have the cash on me to break a hundred. But I did break your mother last night.
A lack of shelf awareness.
"You're two shellfish."
Shelfies
alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?
Shellfies
alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?
Shell Fees
alt. Why did my wife leave me?
Herpes
My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....
I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.
...what Sean Connery calls an afternoon nap
He was trying to be a little less shellfish.
It's the shame.
...and tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...
When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."
In the toilet.
Old Spies
"OK," I replied, "And I recently cheated on my wife. So you must keep my secret, if you want me to keep yours."
He said, "My lips are shield."
Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"
It's shellfish.
Tennish.
Ten-ish.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.