connery Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious connery puns

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+S

👍🏼

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

👍🏼

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

"I have only my shelf to blame"

👍🏼

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

👍🏼

Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.

👍🏼

Sean Connery was in his private library.

He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".

👍🏼

One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again.

To sit on his face.

👍🏼

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

👍🏼

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

👍🏼

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?...

...I can only blame myshelf.

👍🏼

Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All

*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*

What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

👍🏼

Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?

In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.

👍🏼

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

👍🏼

The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

👍🏼

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

👍🏼

What did Sean Connery say when he hit his head on some books?

I only have my shelf to blame.

👍🏼

Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen?

He had Dish-abilities

👍🏼

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

👍🏼

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

"Tennish"

👍🏼

I'll never know if Sean Connery wanted to sit on my sofa or shit on my chauffeur.

👍🏼

Why did Sean Connery sit on the toilet?

There was nowhere else to shit.

👍🏼

Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once.

** comedy silence **

👍🏼

What time does Sean Connery show up to wimbledon?

Tennish

👍🏼

If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar...

He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.

👍🏼

Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it?

Tennish.

👍🏼

At what time does Sean Connery arrive at The Wimbledon?

Tenish...

👍🏼

I call my penis Sean Connery

He used to be in everything but now he's basically retired...

👍🏼

What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster?

Shellfish.

👍🏼

I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me...

"I'm ashamed of my shelf.

👍🏼

Sean Connery is interviewed by GQ Magazine...

and the reporter breathlessly asks his idol, "Mr. Connery your fans have three questions for you, do you drink martinis shaken or stirred?" In a deep Scottish brogue Sean Connery replies, "Shaken."
"And which do you prefer, Octopussy or Pussy Galore?" to which Sean Connery barely lets him finish the question "Pussy Galore! Man, Pussy Galore!" "Lastly, do you wear boxers or briefs?" Sean Connery arches one bold eyebrow and says, "Depends."

👍🏼

About what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tennish

👍🏼

Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...

They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.

Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."

Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."

And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."

👍🏼

Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

He kept trying to shave the princess.

👍🏼

How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?

Like a Bosch!

👍🏼

Sean Connery walks into a bar

Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."

👍🏼

What are the most funny Connery jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Connery? Well, here are the best Connery dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Connery pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes