Connery Jokes
112 connery jokes and hilarious connery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about connery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Connery Short Jokes
Short connery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The connery humour may include short sean connery jokes also.
- Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery. He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.
- What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside? "Shomething'sh Amish..."
- Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection. - Where does Sean Connery keep his guns? In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
- Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
- Sean Connery's New Job Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"
Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket" - In memorial of Sean Connery: My favorite knock knock joke. (Say out loud for best effect) Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dish
Dish Who?
(Said in Sean Connery accent) DISH IS SEAN CONNERY LET ME IN! - The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE! (Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame. - When Sean Connery first learned to talk.. he would pronounce his name like "Sawn."
His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a "SH" sound.
And the resht is hishtory. - Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter? It was an egg shell lent idea
Share These Connery Jokes With Friends
Connery One Liners
Which connery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with connery? I can suggest the ones about roger and .
- How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S
- What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"
- A book falls on Sean Connery's head "Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
- Does Sean Connery like herb? Yes, but only partially.
- What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.
- Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen? He had Dish-abilities
- If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar... He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.
- What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish
- What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster? Shellfish.
- What happened when Sean Connery tried learning 3d modelling? He made a mesh.
- Why did Sean Connery throw away his zucchini? Courgette was rotten
- What did Sean Connery say in a dirty kitchen? Dishes, concerning.
- A schmooze.... ...what Sean Connery calls an afternoon nap
- Where does Sean Connery sit? In the toilet.
- What type of cologne does Sean Connery wear? Old Spies
Sean Connery Jokes
Here is a list of funny sean connery jokes and even better sean connery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So Sean Connery Died today..... Couldn't he have died another day?
(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!) - Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend. He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"
She says "Tennish"
He says, "I know but what time?" - I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me... "I'm ashamed of my shelf.
- Sean Connery walks into a bar Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."
- Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more? He kept trying to shave the princess.
- Micheal Jackson and Sean Connery go to a restaurant "Can I take your order?" The waiter asks. "Shamone!" Says Micheal. "Same again, I love fish" says Sean
- Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments. When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."
- Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before A rare moment of shelf discovery.
- What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say? I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.
- What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space? "You're two shellfish."
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Connery Jokes
What funny jokes about connery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make connery pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did Sean Connery say about the s**... tree carving?
T'was a nice piece of ash.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two sean connery jokes for the price of none........
**q:** what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon? **a:** tennish --- **q:** when sean connery sprays febreze in his bathroom, what does it smell like? **a:** shitrus.
Sean Connery: He Only Carries Plastic
*Again, read in the man's unmistakable voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a hundred dollar bill?
Well, I don't have the cash on me to break a hundred. But I did break your mother last night.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?
The cat s**... on the mat.
Joke made up by friend of friend (It is terrible but I laughed)
What hotel does the vegetable Sean Connery stay in?
(In a faux connery accent) - "The Radishon"
How do you prepare corn like Sean Connery?
Shuck it long, and shuck it hard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again.
To sit on his face.
What does Sean Connery do with his quiche?
He opensh hish doorsh with them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Sean Connery get up out of his bus seat?
Because he s**... on it.
Why was Sean Connery accused of piracy while drinking tea?
He took a ship.
Sean Connery was in his private library.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
What time does Sean Connery get to the US Open?
Ten-ish
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Sean Connery s**... at DIY?
A lack of shelf awareness.
What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub?
Shower Cream
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's different for Sean Connery when he has s**... with his wife or with a p**...?
It's the shame.
Stop eating all the shrimp, Sean Connery
It's shellfish.
What does Sean Connery say when he has to go number 2?
"I've got a shituation"
Why should Sean Connery not work in Tech support?
Because instead of using red ink, he would be shredding
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?
Like a b**...!
What does Sean Connery call fancy spaghetti?
Poshta
The difference between Sean Connery and a Silica Tetrahedron
One's an ionic bond, the other's an iconic Bond.
What time does Sean Connery like to play racquet sports?
Ten-ish
Sean Connery was asked if he likes herbs.
He responded: "Yesh, but only partially."
I was talking about someone with my friend Sean Connery...
Sean Connery said that they are a little pushy.
Why did Sean Connery open up his barbershop in the forest, rather than the city?
He wanted to shave a couple bucksh.
My Chemistry homework is asking me to rank the bonds by relative strength.
Could Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig beat Sean Connery in a fight?
"So, Mr. Sean Connery, it is true that you're proud of your hobby of carpentry?"
"Yeah, I love talking about myshelf"
Sean Connery's doctor told him...
...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."
The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.
"How was it?" the doctor asked.
Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once.
** comedy silence **
Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?
He was trying to be a little less shellfish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery asked his wife sit on his face
He never asked her again
What's Sean Connery's Real Name?
Sawn Connery
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?
Shelfies
alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?
Shellfies
alt. What do hermit c**... call their utility bills?
Shell Fees
alt. Why did my wife leave me?
h**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery caused a public outrage in the 1960s by coming out of his hotel room with f**... covering the front of his suit
He told a girl to sit on his lap.
What does Sean Connery call a bus that drops people off sneakily?
Subtle
Sean Connery dials 911.....
Is this the polish.
My chemistry teacher asked me a question in class.
She told to me to rank all the bonds.
So I did.
1) Connery
2) Craig
3) Brosnan
4) Dalton
5) Lazenby
She sent me outside the class. I still wonder if there were any Moore?
A spider fell on Sean Connery and bit him.
He told his doctor, "I have only my shelf to blame"
Why was Sean Connery asked to leave the wildlife conservatory?
He kept saying he wanted to shave the animals.
Sean Connery auditioned for the "City Bank" commercials, but didn't get the part.
Also, he only ever asked his wife once to "come sit on his lap"
Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?
Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.
My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....
I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.
Knock knock
Who's there? Dishes Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery
I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company
It said, shingles in your area .
Sean Connery told me he got a tattoo of armour on his mouth, and that I mustn't tell anyone.
"OK," I replied, "And I recently cheated on my wife. So you must keep my secret, if you want me to keep yours."
He said, "My lips are shield."
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly
I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to s**... on his chauffeur
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery is at his first day of Kindergarten...
The boy acts up, so the teacher tells him to go sit in the corner.
A few minutes later, a horrible smell begins to emanate from where Sean is.
"Sean!" The teacher screams, "What did you do that for?!"
"Well, Mish" Sean replies. "You did tell me to s**... in the corner..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What would a sadistic Sean Connery s**... shop be called?
Lash But Not Leash
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Sean Connery have trouble housebreaking his dog?
Because every time he tells them to sit they take a s**....
Why does Sean Connery have the misconception that crustaceans are egocentric?
Because they are shellfish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery had his dog trained
He got the dog to do all kinds of tricks. Roll over, do a flip, fetch certain items, but anytime he tried to get the dog to sit, it would d**... on the floor.
