Connery Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Connery puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Connery

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+S

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

"I have only my shelf to blame"

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.

Sean Connery was in his private library.

He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".

One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again.

To sit on his face.

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All

*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*

What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?

In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen?

He had Dish-abilities

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

"Tennish"

Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head.

Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.

Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once.

** comedy silence **

If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar...

He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.

Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it?

Tennish.

What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster?

Shellfish.

My chemistry teacher asked me a question in class.

She told to me to rank all the bonds.

So I did.

1) Connery

2) Craig

3) Brosnan

4) Dalton

5) Lazenby

She sent me outside the class. I still wonder if there were any Moore?

I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me...

"I'm ashamed of my shelf.

Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...

They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.

Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."

Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."

And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."

Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

He kept trying to shave the princess.

How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?

Like a Bosch!

Sean Connery walks into a bar

Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."

two sean connery jokes for the price of none........

**q:** what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon? **a:** tennish --- **q:** when sean connery sprays febreze in his bathroom, what does it smell like? **a:** shitrus.

What happened when Sean Connery tried learning 3d modelling?

He made a mesh.

What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share?

Shelfish

Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before

A rare moment of shelf discovery.

What time does Sean Connery get to his seat at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.

When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."

What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?

I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

What does Sean Connery call a shrimp that won't share?

Shellfish.

Sean Connery: He Only Carries Plastic

*Again, read in the man's unmistakable voice*

What's the difference between your mother and a hundred dollar bill?

Well, I don't have the cash on me to break a hundred. But I did break your mother last night.

Why does Sean Connery suck at DIY?

A lack of shelf awareness.

What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?

"You're two shellfish."

What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?

Shelfies


alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?


Shellfies

alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?


Shell Fees


alt. Why did my wife leave me?


Herpes

TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.

My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....

I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.

A schmooze....

...what Sean Connery calls an afternoon nap

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

What's different for Sean Connery when he has sex with his wife or with a prostitute?

It's the shame.

That's the last time I'll do my Sean Connery impression...

...and tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.

When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."

Where does Sean Connery sit?

In the toilet.

What type of cologne does Sean Connery wear?

Old Spies

Sean Connery told me he got a tattoo of armour on his mouth, and that I mustn't tell anyone.

"OK," I replied, "And I recently cheated on my wife. So you must keep my secret, if you want me to keep yours."

He said, "My lips are shield."

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

Stop eating all the shrimp, Sean Connery

It's shellfish.

What time does Sean Connery turn up at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

When does Sean Connery enjoy playing his favorite sport?

Ten-ish.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes