Congressman Jokes
30 congressman jokes and hilarious congressman puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about congressman that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Congressman Short Jokes
Short congressman jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The congressman humour may include short member congress jokes also.
- Wheel chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight. Now it's not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.
- I shook hands with my Congressman yesterday... I didn't mean to, I was just reaching for my wallet.
- I sure hope Roy Moore wins today Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.
- What's the difference between Kevin McCarthy and Amazon Alexa? One's a speaker that runs the house and the other is a congressman…
- How is a congressman and a dog similar? When you ask them to speak they will, but it doesn't mean anything.
- During this difficult morning for Congressman O'Rourke and everyone involved with his campaign, I wanted to give some words of encouragement Beto luck next time
- "Don't dwell on the past,don't dream about the future", is one of the most beautiful thoughts, was it Buddha? Naw, it's just Congressman Roy Moore's Republican campaign slogan.
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Congressman One Liners
Which congressman one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with congressman? I can suggest the ones about congressional and politician.
- How long does a Congressman serve? Depends on his sentence.
- Ruger has a new gun coming out. The Congressman. It doesn't work & you can't fire it.
- What's a Republican Congressman's favorite movie? Kill Bill
- What do call a bad lawyer? Congressman
- What's a homophobic congressman's favorite place to swim? In da Nile
Giggle-Inducing Congressman Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about congressman you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean senator jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make congressman pranks.
A mugger
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Smith & Wesson Joke
A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:
Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman hears a knock a her door...
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered s**... offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."
Penalty for Lying
Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,
...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.
A local congressman was sitting in his office when the phone rang.
He picked it up, said little, smiled widely, said "Thank you," and hung up the phone.
He picked the phone back up to call his mother. "Mom, it's me,"he said. "I won the election!"
"Honestly?" she said in response to the news.
"Does it really matter how I did it?" he replied.
Mugger walks up behind a man in a suit and puts a gun to his back...
The mugger says, "Give me all your money."
The man in the suit says, "You can't do this to me! I'm a United States Congressman!"
The mugger replies, "Then give me all *my* money!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Either way half of the members are s**.... The speaker doesn't see it.
At congress
**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are s**....
**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.
**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not s**....
**speaker: T**hank you. Let's continue. ...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I heard the remaining Democrat congressman are organizing a soccer league.
They will still feel like they are trying to be like the Europeans. Plus no hands means the interns will feel safe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I decided to become a congressman.
I give a call to the Senate.
: you guys need any congressmen?
: Are you retarted?
: No, but I'm willing to learn.
Free Haircuts
One day, a florist went to a barber shop to get his hair cut. After the barber was finished, the florist went to pay, but the barber said, "No, this one's on the house, I'm doing the community a service this week and giving free haircuts." The next morning, the barber comes to work to find a handwritten thank you note from the florist along with a dozen roses. Later, a policeman came into get his hair cut. When the officer went to pay, the barber once again refused payment. The next morning, the barber came to work to find another thank you note along with a dozen donuts. That afternoon, a congressman came to get a haircut. Again, when the congressman attempted to pay, the barber told him there would be no charge. The following day, the barber once again arrived to a surprise at work. This time a dozen congressmen had lined up to get their free haircuts.
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two h**...
and a future congressman."
