Congress Jokes
105 congress jokes and hilarious congress puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about congress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready to laugh out loud? This article shares some of the best Congress jokes to help you crack up. From Congress Chamcha to Congress Pappu, jokes about the Congress Party and Congressmen/Senators will leave you feeling overwhelmingly joyous. Read on to get started!
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Funniest Congress Short Jokes
Short congress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The congress humour may include short parliament jokes also.
- Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
- Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate... They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.
- If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
I'll show myself out - What do American police have in common with American Congress? They only serve and protect corporate interests.
- Republicans in Congress have proposed a bill to ban the sale of shredded cheese in supermarkets across the country They want to Make America Grate Again.
- People say congress is in a stalemate, but that isn't true In order for a stalemate you need black pieces
- I learned the other day that a group of baboons is called a Congress I found it extremely insulting to the hard work and productivity of baboons.
- Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The scarecrow should run for Congress As they lack a heart, mind, and courage
- Ever wondered why there's no Congressional Basketball game? Because Congress can't pass anything.
- So we hated congress a few days ago for not giving us $2000 but today we love then after the riot yesterday... ...so abusive relationships do work
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Congress One Liners
Which congress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with congress? I can suggest the ones about senate and capitol.
- If the opposite of pro is con... Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.
- Roses are red Congress is red
The Senate is red
The White House is red
welp - What do you call a 300 year old joke? Congress
PS: One day till cake day :D 11m 30d - I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines So they would accept change
- What do you call a debate club that only meets once a year? The United States Congress.
- I love the US Congress. It's the best Congress that money can buy.
- Some protestors are breaking into congress I hear it is a capitol offense
- Six U.S congress men die and go to heaven.
- What does Congress do when they lose a game of CSGO? They blame the Russians.
- Congress passes bill.
- The opposite of a pro is a con. The opposite of progress is Congress.
- Why can't Horses work in Congress? Because they only ever vote, NEEEEIIIIGGGGHHH
- What's the difference between Kindergarteners and Congress? Kindergarteners grow up.
- Congress is shutting the government down But have they tried turning it back on?
- I found a place where 98% of the material is recycled. Congress.
Member Congress Jokes
Here is a list of funny member congress jokes and even better member congress puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is the difference between a prison guard and a member of Congress One interacts with felons, half of which are probably innocent of crimes, and the other works on Capitol Hill.
- A train carrying 12 members of congress derailed and hit a truck today It was too crooked
- Where do the members of congress go to workout? The house of reps
- One of my three brothers is an influential member of the congress. Guess you can call him my 'significant brother'.
- What's a super hero Trumpcare members of Congress currently love? Deadpool.
Library Congress Jokes
Here is a list of funny library congress jokes and even better library congress puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do congress and an old library book have in common? Bent over pages
- Chuck Norris one checked the Library of Congress for typos during his lunch hour.
- Chuck Norris can check out books from the Library of Congress.
Congress Party Jokes
Here is a list of funny congress party jokes and even better congress party puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Congress takes a lot of days off this time of year.. But it makes sense; I have 3 days off this week because I'm having a crazy party, Congress needs 6 days off because they have 2!
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Congress Jokes
What funny jokes about congress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean council jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make congress pranks.
Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.
There is a one difference between death and taxes...
...at least death doesn't get worse every time congress meets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What color are your p**..., babe?
Boy: What color are your p**..., babe?
Girl: Why do you keep asking me s**... questions, don't you ever think about anything else?
Boy: Ok, do you think the republicans should support the congress with their decision to raise the debt ceiling ?
Girl:You know i am wearing your favourite purple lace p**.....You want a pic?
A priest and a rabbi walk into congress
Te priest turns to his friend and says "is this some kind of joke?"
I call my glasses...
I call my glasses congress because they are old and crooked.
Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"
Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
Secret service agent takes a bullet for the President
to avoid being hauled before Congress
There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.
---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged
Did you hear about the mishap at the Asia Summit?
The Chinese government is seeking answers after the recent Beijing Conference. Apparently, several of Obama's and Putin's private bodyguards were the last to use one of the royal toilets before it was reported clogged.
Obama announced that he will ask congress to create a commission to investigate the incident while Putin denies that his forces ever entered the bathroom.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Many ravens are called a congress...
Owls are a parliament, eagles are a convocation and crows are a m**....
Does this mean that a group of vultures are a corporation?
Classroom Joke
For class every student must research a natural disaster. So after everyone gets their topic, the teacher asks them what they chose.
"What did you get, Jimmy?"
"Hurricanes."
"What did you get, Thomas?"
"Earthquakes."
"What did you get, Karl?"
"US Congress."
A man sees a really attractive woman on a train reading the newspaper
...so he chats her up on today's headline.
He: "So, yesterday was the Nymphomaniacs' Congress. I don't suppose you've attended, did you?"
She: "Well, as a matter of fact, I did."
He: "And? What's new in the world of nymphomaniacs?"
She: "Nothing much, Indians have the longest, the Irish can go the longest, same old, same old."
He: "Oh, where are my manners? The name's a O'Connor. Geronimo O'Connor."
In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.
I just feel that they would make a greater impact.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Useless People
One useless person is useless.
Two useless people are a law firm.
Hundreds of useless people are Congress.
Innuendo
My girlfriend couldn't go to the annual innuendo congress, so I had to fill her slot.
If all of congress were abducted...
Congress wouldn't pass the find congress act.
What bill is the Congress's favorite?
Of course the $ bill!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
ISIS takes Congress hostage
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state.
D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state. If congress passes it we only need 2 more states to get to 53 which is a prime number. Then we will truly be one nation, indivisible.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
Did you know Trump nominated a deaf guy to the Presidential cabinet?
Congress confirmed him without a hearing.
Did you guys hear? Congress disbanded the CIA
Because they realized that the American people don't want intelligence to be a part of government
As part of the alignment of strategy for cabinet departments, Trump announced to congress his plan for housing vouchers
Redeemable for a cardboard box behind Safeway.
Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...
He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.
Congress wrote a law that would force people to join the military.
It was a rough draft.
I can't wait for an AI to reach 10% of the capabilities of the average human.
Then we can replace all of Congress with a single AI.
Why was FDR so bad at basketball?
Congress wouldn't let him pack the court.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yesterday, both houses of Congress met to debate legalizing m**....
It was a joint session.
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
Shark Week
I just got a notice from our cable provider about Shark Week.
Isn't that when Congress goes back in session?
Whats the dofference between congress and a vending machine
One accepts change but doesn't give dollars, one accepts dollars but doesn't give change
Congress Conspiracies
It's not the gun manufacturers bribing congress, but the growing body bag industry.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...
So if a place to view birds is an Aviary, and a place to view fish is a aquarium, where do you view pigs?
Congress
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a dollar for every corrupt politician...
I could probably buy one of them out in Congress.
Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama
Because crimes can't be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Amazon's f**... recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots
Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Either way half of the members are s**.... The speaker doesn't see it.
At congress
**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are s**....
**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.
**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not s**....
**speaker: T**hank you. Let's continue. ...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Soviet congress?
c**... con
Robert Mueller goes before Congress..
Rhetorically, he asks who would be so low that they would sell our country and values for personal profit?
All of the republicans stand to volunteer.
Dollar bill With a COIN !! :D
"I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They've already done it. It's called a nickel" -Jay Leno
Daddy, can we go see the clowns again?
For the last time, Billy, we are not visiting congress again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Allegedly John Adams
In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress
TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House.
Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.
Long term pain
During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:
"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"
After a long silence an elderly raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Library of Congress bomber…
Yesterday's attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching b**... Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :
-the Richmond Mall's Supreme Food Court
-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave
-International House of Pancakes
-literally anyone with a white house.
My brother told me this one...
If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then the opposite of PROgress is CONgress.
I went to a Halloween party
I decided to dress as a clown. On my way to the party, a man in a suit stopped me. He said he was glad he finally found me. I had to explain that he must have me confused for somebody else, but he told me I was dressed like him. I explained that I was just wearing a costume, but he laughed it off as a joke. He then drags me into his car, and now I'm suddenly a member of Congress.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
President Biden has called for full legalization of m**...
Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.
Starbucks created a new specialty drink to honor all the candidates running for Congress.
It's called the Fullacrappacino
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who has the worst heart health in Congress?
George Santos. Every time he opens his mouth they have to defib him.
