Congress Jokes

Following is our collection of overwhelmingly puns and committee one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Congress jokes for adults, dirty douse jokes and clean progress dad gags for kids.

The Best Congress Puns

Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

How many Congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Better buy a flashlight

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."


What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

I went as a congressional bill for Halloween....

I stayed in the House and didn't do anything.

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

If the opposite of pro is con...

Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.

Roses are red

Congress is red

The Senate is red

The White House is red

welp

Entrance Exam

A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.

The rest ended up in Congress.


If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

What do you call a 300 year old joke?

Congress



PS: One day till cake day :D 11m 30d

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,

"Bless you, Comrade!"

D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state.

D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state. If congress passes it we only need 2 more states to get to 53 which is a prime number. Then we will truly be one nation, indivisible.

ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged

Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)

"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...

A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)

Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!


People say congress is in a stalemate, but that isn't true

In order for a stalemate you need black pieces

What do you call a debate club that only meets once a year?

The United States Congress.

Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress

As they lack a heart, mind, and courage

Ever wondered why there's no Congressional Basketball game?

Because Congress can't pass anything.

So we all know con is the opposite of pro, right? Well, if pro and con are opposites, then what's the opposite of progress?

Congress.

How many congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't really matter, they forgot to pass the electricity bill again.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*

"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...

Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

Why do Congressmen make terrible cashiers?

They're all too afraid of change.

I can't wait for an AI to reach 10% of the capabilities of the average human.

Then we can replace all of Congress with a single AI.

Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans insist on carrying a baby to full term, even if it was a drastic accident.

If pro is the opposite of con....

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

Congress.

Joe Swanson - Family Guy

I hate when a generation refuses to work and still expect to receive government checks

Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes

I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.

How is a congressman and a dog similar?

When you ask them to speak they will, but it doesn't mean anything.

Many ravens are called a congress...

Owls are a parliament, eagles are a convocation and crows are a murder.

Does this mean that a group of vultures are a corporation?

A robber corners a well-dressed man in an alleyway...

Take out your wallet and give me all your money! The robber says, holding a gun to the man's chest.

You can't do this! says the well-dressed man. I'm a senator in the U.S. Congress!

The robber doesn't lower his gun and replies:

Well in that case, take out your wallet and give me all MY money!

Yesterday, both houses of Congress met to debate legalizing marijuana.

It was a joint session.

Did you guys hear? Congress disbanded the CIA

Because they realized that the American people don't want intelligence to be a part of government

There is a one difference between death and taxes...

...at least death doesn't get worse every time congress meets.

What does Congress do when they lose a game of CSGO?

They blame the Russians.

A congressman was walking down the street

A congressman was walking down the street when suddenly a thief jumps in front of him. The thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!

Six U.S congress men die and go to heaven.

Daddy, can we go see the clowns again?

For the last time, Billy, we are not visiting congress again.

We can all agree the opposite of pro is con, right?

In that case, the opposite of progress is...

Congress

Congress passes bill.

The opposite of a pro is a con.

The opposite of progress is Congress.

Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can't be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

If I had a dollar for every corrupt politician...

I could probably buy one of them out in Congress.

Congressmen don't have sex

They just mass debate.

Useless People

One useless person is useless.
Two useless people are a law firm.
Hundreds of useless people are Congress.

Why can't Horses work in Congress?

Because they only ever vote, NEEEEIIIIGGGGHHH

What's the difference between Kindergarteners and Congress?

Kindergarteners grow up.

Either way half of the members are stupid. The speaker doesn't see it.

At congress

**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are stupid.

**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.

**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not stupid.

**speaker: T**hank you. Let's continue. ...

Amazon's facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

So if a place to view birds is an Aviary, and a place to view fish is a aquarium, where do you view pigs?

Congress

Congress is shutting the government down

But have they tried turning it back on?

Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"

Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.

A priest and a rabbi walk into congress

Te priest turns to his friend and says "is this some kind of joke?"

What color are your panties, babe?

Boy: What color are your panties, babe?

Girl: Why do you keep asking me stupid questions, don't you ever think about anything else?

Boy: Ok, do you think the republicans should support the congress with their decision to raise the debt ceiling ?

Girl:You know i am wearing your favourite purple lace panties..You want a pic?

Whats the dofference between congress and a vending machine

One accepts change but doesn't give dollars, one accepts dollars but doesn't give change

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

What do you call a Soviet congress?

Commie con

I found a place where 98% of the material is recycled.

Congress.

Did you know Trump nominated a deaf guy to the Presidential cabinet?

Congress confirmed him without a hearing.

Suppose you are an idiot and suppose you are a Member of Congress ?

But... I repeat myself

How many congressmen does it take to run a government?

This post is government funded, please check back after the shutdown has ended and funding has resumed.

If cons are opposite of pros... that means congress is the opposite of progress, and...

Constitution is the opposite of prostitution?

Innuendo

My girlfriend couldn't go to the annual innuendo congress, so I had to fill her slot.

A congressional aide asks an Alabama congressman how he wants to proceed with the abortion bill

the congressman responds ,"Shhh... I said I would pay it!"

What is the difference between a prison guard and a member of Congress

One interacts with felons, half of which are probably innocent of crimes, and the other works on Capitol Hill.

Why can't horses run for Congress?

They would only vote Nay !

What is the opposite of progress?

Congress

Dollar bill With a COIN !! :D

"I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They've already done it. It's called a nickel" -Jay Leno

What do congress and an old library book have in common?

Bent over pages

Shark Week

I just got a notice from our cable provider about Shark Week.

Isn't that when Congress goes back in session?

I call my glasses...

I call my glasses congress because they are old and crooked.

Robert Mueller goes before Congress..

Rhetorically, he asks who would be so low that they would sell our country and values for personal profit?

All of the republicans stand to volunteer.

Congress Conspiracies

It's not the gun manufacturers bribing congress, but the growing body bag industry.

A train carrying 12 members of congress derailed and hit a truck today

It was too crooked

There is an abundance of demand jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes and congress puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any gop witze you can hear about congress.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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