Following is our collection of overwhelmingly puns and committee one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Congress jokes for adults, dirty douse jokes and clean progress dad gags for kids.
Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.
Better buy a flashlight
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
Kick them out of Congress
I stayed in the House and didn't do anything.
They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.
Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.
Congress is red
The Senate is red
The White House is red
welp
A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.
The rest ended up in Congress.
Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
I'll show myself out
Congress
PS: One day till cake day :D 11m 30d
So they would accept change
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,
"Bless you, Comrade!"
D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state. If congress passes it we only need 2 more states to get to 53 which is a prime number. Then we will truly be one nation, indivisible.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.
---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
In order for a stalemate you need black pieces
The United States Congress.
As they lack a heart, mind, and courage
Because Congress can't pass anything.
Congress.
Doesn't really matter, they forgot to pass the electricity bill again.
"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...
He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.
They're all too afraid of change.
Then we can replace all of Congress with a single AI.
Republicans insist on carrying a baby to full term, even if it was a drastic accident.
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
Congress.
Joe Swanson - Family Guy
Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes
I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.
When you ask them to speak they will, but it doesn't mean anything.
Owls are a parliament, eagles are a convocation and crows are a murder.
Does this mean that a group of vultures are a corporation?
Take out your wallet and give me all your money! The robber says, holding a gun to the man's chest.
You can't do this! says the well-dressed man. I'm a senator in the U.S. Congress!
The robber doesn't lower his gun and replies:
Well in that case, take out your wallet and give me all MY money!
It was a joint session.
Because they realized that the American people don't want intelligence to be a part of government
...at least death doesn't get worse every time congress meets.
They blame the Russians.
A congressman was walking down the street when suddenly a thief jumps in front of him. The thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
For the last time, Billy, we are not visiting congress again.
In that case, the opposite of progress is...
Congress
The opposite of progress is Congress.
Because crimes can't be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.
I could probably buy one of them out in Congress.
They just mass debate.
One useless person is useless.
Two useless people are a law firm.
Hundreds of useless people are Congress.
Because they only ever vote, NEEEEIIIIGGGGHHH
Kindergarteners grow up.
At congress
**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are stupid.
**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.
**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not stupid.
**speaker: T**hank you. Let's continue. ...
Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.
Congress
But have they tried turning it back on?
Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.
Te priest turns to his friend and says "is this some kind of joke?"
Boy: What color are your panties, babe?
Girl: Why do you keep asking me stupid questions, don't you ever think about anything else?
Boy: Ok, do you think the republicans should support the congress with their decision to raise the debt ceiling ?
Girl:You know i am wearing your favourite purple lace panties..You want a pic?
One accepts change but doesn't give dollars, one accepts dollars but doesn't give change
I just feel that they would make a greater impact.
Commie con
Congress.
Congress confirmed him without a hearing.
But... I repeat myself
This post is government funded, please check back after the shutdown has ended and funding has resumed.
Constitution is the opposite of prostitution?
My girlfriend couldn't go to the annual innuendo congress, so I had to fill her slot.
the congressman responds ,"Shhh... I said I would pay it!"
One interacts with felons, half of which are probably innocent of crimes, and the other works on Capitol Hill.
They would only vote Nay !
Congress
"I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They've already done it. It's called a nickel" -Jay Leno
Bent over pages
I just got a notice from our cable provider about Shark Week.
Isn't that when Congress goes back in session?
I call my glasses congress because they are old and crooked.
Rhetorically, he asks who would be so low that they would sell our country and values for personal profit?
All of the republicans stand to volunteer.
It's not the gun manufacturers bribing congress, but the growing body bag industry.
It was too crooked
There is an abundance of demand jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes and congress puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any gop witze you can hear about congress.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.