Congregation Jokes

Following is our collection of church puns and hymns one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Congregation jokes for adults, dirty gospel jokes and clean clergy dad gags for kids.

The Best Congregation Puns

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."

A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "

"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

Bellboy

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:

'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"

The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"

The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:

'MY GOD!'"


KKK Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Preacher

A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.

"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."

"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"

Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.

"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.

"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms.


One Sunday morning a preacher told his congregation..

"Everyone who wants to go to heaven after they die, come down to the front now!"

The whole church came forward except for one guy. Thinking that maybe the man hadn't heard him, the preacher repeated the invitation.

Again the man just sat there.

"Sir," said the preacher, "don't you want to go to heaven when you die?

The man replied, "Oh, when I die! I thought you were getting a group ready to go right now."

Leviticus

One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."

The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?" Every hand went up.

Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Ha Ha Ha Haa

The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...

along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"

The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."

A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...

They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.

Until one guy sees the rabbi hasn't collected any money and decides to help him out Rabbi, why don't you try asking for charity outside of a synagogue?

The rabbi turns to the priest Moshe, this guy wants to teach us marketing

A genetic botanist doesn't show up to the church picnic.

Her concerned husband finds her in her lab working feverishly on a new pesticide resistant strain of maize.

"Aren't you coming to the congregation picnic?". He asks.

"Screw them and their impossible deadlines! They told me I have until today to get the corn bred!"

A priest was scolding a nun for exposing herself to the congregation multiple times...

She replied with: "I can't help it, I have a bad habit."

Final Memories

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"


I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

How can you tell you're in a gay church?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.

A pastor cuts his chin while shaving one Sunday morning.

He hurriedly puts a band-aid on and rushes to his church for the 10:00 am service.

Afterwards, a member of the congregation, an older woman, comes up to the pastor and asks, "Excuse me, but what happened to your face?" The pastor replies "I was thinking about my sermon and I cut my chin." The old lady rolls her eyes and says "Maybe you should think about your chin, and cut your sermons."

A pastor is speaking to his church.

A pastor is speaking to his church. He tells them, 'I have good and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay off all the church debts and build a new wing to the church.'

The congregation clapped and cheered.

He continues. 'The bad news is, it's still in your pockets.'

A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.

After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.

Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?

Father O'Malley received a call from the IRS.

They asked for his assistance. He said he'd be happy to oblige.

Thank you, Father. Do you happen to know a Ted Houlihan?
I do.
Is he a member of your congregation?
He is.
Tell me, did Mr. Houlihan really donate $10,000 to the church?
He will.

A man goes to see his priest about his hearing...

The priest calls on the congregation for an all night extensive prayer session. They pray and sing and ask God to heal the man's hearing. Quite tired from the all night Affair, the priest visits the man the next day. Did our prayers help your hearing he asked? Oh no, the man said the hearing is not until next week.

A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit one Sunday morning.

The note said John Anderson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud,
John Anderson having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safely .

The Tomato Pastor began his sermon to the Salad Congregation

"Lettuce pray"

Choochie Green was a hooker in a little town,

One Sunday morning she's decides to go to church. She gets all dressed up, in her finest mini skirt and top. She arrives early to ensure a seat up close. While the rest of the congregation files in, the priest notices her. He leans over to the alter boy and ask "Is that Choochie Green?" The boy squints and leans forward and replies "I don't think so, just the way the lights hitting it"

After the last few died of old age, the Christian Congregation decides to take on some younger ministers

They're moving onto greener pastors

How many polish people do you need to form a place of congregation?

Ten poles

The pastor states, Everything in modern day life is explained in the Bible.

Everyone in the congregation is trying to stump the preacher. Finally someone yells out, What about PMS? A hush grows through the church. The pastor answered, That's easy. And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!

If a Church Congregation from Massachusetts goes on a Bus Ride

It would be Mass Mass Mass Transit

There's always that one person who goes from church to church living off the congregation.

Normally, we call that person the Pastor

A priest stands up to do his sermon.

He starts. He says "We all called in different ways."

As soon as he says that, the altar server drops the gospel which he was taking away from the lectern. He then shuffles to pick it up and accidentally rips it with his foot and falls over, hitting the tabanacle and spilling the bread and the wine.

The priest continues with his sermon.

He says to the congregation in a solemn tone:

"Some of us are called useless."

Why did the lady preacher keep making the men in her congregation angry?

...she ended all of her sermons with Ah-MEN!

What did the cabbage preacher say to their congregation?

Lettuce Pray!

A pastor says to his congregation that being good is easy when you're a pastor,

Because he gets paid to be good, but the people of his congregation are good for nothing.

Why did the pastor encourage his entire congregation to go to an acupuncturist?

So, that they would become more holy.

There is an abundance of deacon jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 39 funniest jokes and congregation puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any amen witze you can hear about congregation.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes