congratulations Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious congratulations puns

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.


My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."


A redneck went to the hospital

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."


A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?

"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.

"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"

"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".


Success is like getting pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.


My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."


A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..


Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.


Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"



Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.


First Blowjob

A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"

The man replies, "First blowjob today."

The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me."

"No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."


A guy walks into a bar and orders six JΓ€germeister shots

The bartender asks him if it's a special occasion?
The guy answers "Yes, my very first blowjob".
The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house".
The guy answers "Nah, if six JΓ€ger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference".


My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it!?" I grumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What, a miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."


Congratulations to Ukraine to winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

Can't wait for Russia to host it next year.


A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby...

Upon arriving, he was asked to sit down as the nurse told him,

Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets five big baby boys.

The Redneck said, I'm not surprised, I have a penis the size of a fucking chimney.

The nurse replied, You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black.


A man walks into a bar...

.. orders 9 shots of whisky from the barman..

The barman asks "Are you celebrating something?"
"Yes", he says "My first blowjob"
"Congratulations, let me get you the 10th drink on the house!"
"Thanks, but if 9 shots won't get rid of the taste I don't think the tenth will either"


A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

The bartender looks up and says: "Wow, have you got something to celebrate?", after which he poors the shots.
The man replies: "Yes, my first blowjob!" and takes the first shot.
Bartender: "Well, congratulations! Here, have another on the house!".
The man shakes his head and says: "Nah, thanks, but if these 10 won't get that horrible taste out of my mouth, I'm pretty sure the eleventh won't do the trick either!"


Whenever I go bowling....

I enter my name as "3 testicles".

That way, occasionally the monitor says "Congratulations 3 testicles! You got a spare!"


Met a girl that's into horoscopes

Her : I'm a Sagittarius, bet that already tells you a lot about me.

Me : So according to this website, would you say you're a curious, energetic person that wants to be a part of things rather than be a spectator?

Her : Mmmhm that's me to a T

Me : Congratulations you're an Aries.


Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...

The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started banging his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"


Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers


A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling

"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"

"7," I replied.


A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: hey thanks!

Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!

Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?

Cashier: it is

Bagel: you have beautiful eyes


Five men are in the waiting room waiting for their wives to give birth.

A nurse goes up to one man and says to him "Congratulations, your wife had twins." The man replies "Great! And coincidentally, I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins."

Another nurse goes up to the second man and says to him "Congratulations, your wife had triplets." The man replies "Great! And coincidentally, I'm the manager for Three Days Grace."

Another nurse goes up to the third man and says to him "Congratulations, your wife had quadruplets." The man replies "Great! And coincidentally, I own a Four Seasons in Boston."

Another nurse goes up to the fourth man and says to him "Congratulations, your wife had quintuplets." The man replies "Great! And coincidentally, I'm a cook for Five Guys."

The fifth man falls out of his chair and screams "FUCK! I'm an employee for 1000 Islands!"


A Guy Goes Into A Bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders a martini, and strikes up a conversation with an attractive woman sitting next to him. "This is a special day," he says, "I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replies, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asks. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answers. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man says, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile. But today, they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she says, smiling.


A driver is stopped by the police...

The officer says:
-Congratulations! You are the 100th person who has remembered to use a seatbelt today, and therefore you have won $1000. What will you spend the money on?

-Well, a driving license I think?

The passenger sitting next to him hurries to say:
-You should not listen to him, he's drunk!

A sound is heard from the back seat:
-I knew stealing a car was a bad idea.

At the same time, a foreign accent is heard from the trunk:
-Have we passed the border yet?


A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"

The mother replies, "Like father like son"


So two couples want to convert to Catholicism...

There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days.

Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.

"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.

"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.

"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."

"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."

"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."


Three nuns arrive at the gates of Heaven...

St Peter is there to meet them and explains that before they can enter, they each need to answer a question.

He turns to the first nun and asks her "What was the name of the first woman on Earth?"

The first nun immediately answers "Eve!"

"Congratulations!" says St Peter, "You're in!"

St Peter then turns to the second nun and asks her "Where did Eve live?"

The second nun immediately answers "Garden of Eden!"

"Congratulations!" says St Peter, "You're in!"

Finally, St Peter turns to the third nun, who happens to be the Mother Superior.

"Now, since you're the Mother Superior," he says, "your question has to be a little more tricky. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"

"Ooh..." says the third nun, "That's a hard one..."

"Congratulations! You're in!"


Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.

When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.

Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.


A guy goes to the bar on his 21st birthday.

He says to the bartender, "I just turned twenty-one; give me a shot of bourbon!"
The bartender says, "Congratulations!" and pours him the shot. A prostitute approaches the man and says "You've just turned twenty-one huh? Ever been laid, boy?"
The man replies, "No ma'am. My momma always told me those things have teeth." The prostitute laughs and leads him upstairs to her room. She pulls down her skirt and laughs, "You see any teeth down there boy?" He says, "No ma'am; and with gums like those I can see why!"


Four men in a hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" A nurse then yells to the second man, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" A nurse goes up to the third man saying, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" The last man begins groaning and banging his head on the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"


The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"


Yet another job Interview joke

Interviewer: So what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Candidate: I never know when to quit.

Interviewer: Well that can always be turned to our advantage! Congratulations, you're hired.

Candidate: *I quit*


Finest Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."


What are the most funny Congratulations jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Congratulations? Well, here are the best Congratulations dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Congratulations pick up lines to share with friends.

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