Congratulations Jokes
126 congratulations jokes and hilarious congratulations puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about congratulations that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Celebrate and send your best wishes with these hilarious and heartwarming congratulations jokes! From witty wedding toasts to jubilant jokes, find the perfect way to say "Woohoo!" and "Kudos" to your friends with these ecstatic congratulations jokes.
Quick Jump To
- Short Congratulations Jokes
- Congratulations One Liners
- Wedding Congratulations Jokes
- More Congratulations Jokes
Funniest Congratulations Short Jokes
Short congratulations jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The congratulations humour may include short congrats jokes also.
- Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
- As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season... I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
- Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment! I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.
- If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist... congratulations, you're doing great!
- Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
- Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...." Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"
- An Italian woman is pregnant. You congratulate her. She says "Grazie". What do you say to her after that? Prego.
- Job interview Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap in your resume?
Candidate: I was in Yale.
Interviewer: Congratulations! You are hired.
Candidate: Thank you. I really need this Yob. - Congratulations to Ukraine to winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Can't wait for Russia to host it next year.
- Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning the election. Putin said, 'Thanks, but why have you waited for over a year?
Share These Congratulations Jokes With Friends
Congratulations One Liners
Which congratulations one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with congratulations? I can suggest the ones about good luck and applause.
- Congratulations West Ham The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.
- Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today Congratulations Themi Lovato!
- I'd like to congratulate Whitney Houston... ...on being 24 hours sober!
- Congratulations 2020 graduating class Reigning senior skip day champions!
- Congratulations to Amy Winehouse For being sober one year.
- I would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse on almost 4 years of sobriety.
- Congratulations to Amy Winehouse... ...on six months of sobriety.
- Congratulations. You're 18. On a list of 20 people that I want to kill.
- Do you want to join the "P" club? Congratulations, ur-ine!
- The average person loses their virginity at 17. Congratulations you are above average.
- How do you congratulate a Jewish bodybuilder? Muscle Tov!
- Congratulations, you made it through 6 month of 2020! 3 more to go!
- How do you congratulate a slice of bread on his wedding day? Toast him
- Congratulations USA We have officially gone black and gone back.
- My friend is buying a pregnancy test kit for his girlfriend Congratulations either way
Wedding Congratulations Jokes
Here is a list of funny wedding congratulations jokes and even better wedding congratulations puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dad: Son, congratulations. Im sure you will remeber today as the happiest day of your life. Son: Thanks dad! But wedding is tomorrow.
Dad: I know. - A day before the wedding "Congratulations, my son, today will be forever in your memory as the happiest day of your life."" But the wedding is only tomorrow." "I know that, my son.."
Uplifting Congratulations Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about congratulations you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean luck jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make congratulations pranks.
A couple celebrating their 50th anniversary had many well wishers stop by to congratulate them.
After all of their guest had left, the two settled into recliners.
“Mother,” the man said, “our marriage is tried and true.”
“What’s that you say?” she asked. “You know I can’t hear without my hearing aid.”
“I said, our marriage is tried and true,” he repated, a little louder.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the v**... Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"
I said, "No. s**... that I can't tell anyone about."
Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election
He always did want to be a minority.
Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...
The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started b**... his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"
Two old friends meet:
- Wow, long time don't see! How are things?
- I'm fine and you?
- I'll be a dad for the first time!
- How cool! Congratulations! And is your wife happy?
- Right now she is. But once she finds out, she is going to be furious!
Mailman's last day on the job.
After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"
Obama
The Dark Knight (2008) The Dark Knight Rises (2012) Congratulations, Barack Obama.
A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door.
She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve.
"Good for you." the woman said, and closed the door, left the towel by the door and got back in the shower. A second knock came, and she saw it was John, another friend of hers. Again she wrapped the towel around her and opened the door.
"I won the lottery!" John said, and the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. for the third time, a knock on the door came. she looked through the peephole and saw it was Tom, her blind friend. she didn't bother putting on a towel.
"What is it Tom?! This is the third time I have been interrupted while showering!"
Tom gleefully replied:
"I can see!"
A guy walks into a bar...
He asks the bartender for eight shots of whiskey, doesn't matter what kind. Bartender asks "What's the special occasion?" The guy says "I'm celebrating my first b**......" The guy takes three shots quickly. The bartender says "congratulations! Have one on me, but why so many shots?" The guy says "To get the taste out of my mouth."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.
All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:
Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"
Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"
The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.
Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
Italian: "Once"
Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"
Italian: "Don't stop"
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
Two fisherman friends
Two fisherman friends meet for the first time in months and start to catch up.
* -So how are you?
* -I'm very well. I actually got married recently.
* -Congratulations, that's great news! So how is your wife, is she beautiful?
* -Not really...
* -Ah, so she's smart then?
* -Not at all...
* -Has she got money?
* -Nope.
* -Then why did you marry her?
* -She's got worms.
A guy walks in to a bar
he orders 6 shots of tequila
bartender says "6 shots? thats quite a bit"
guy says "im celebrating my first b**..."
bartender says "congratulations, let me get you another one on the house"
guy says "thats okay, if 6 dont take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will
My first job ...
When I was 15 I came home one day very excited, walked up to my father and said, "Hey dad! I just got a job!"
To which my father replies, "Congratulations son! How much does it pay?"
Confused, I respond, "Well, she charged me 50 bucks... If they're going to start paying me... Then I might end up a workaholic!"
( I think this is a bastardization of an old Andrew Dice Clay bit... I'm sure it was funnier when said on stage).
Topical Jokes for 6/1
A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber saying the n-word. People are calling it the least offensive Justin Bieber video ever.
In Illinois, a 115-pound-woman won a hot dog eating contest, after she ate 28 hot dogs. The judges then congratulated the 138-pound-woman.
The NSA is reportedly collecting millions of images per day to build a f**...-recognition database. The NSA is cataloguing the photos in a massive online database -- it's called Instagram.
Success is like being pregnant
Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
Congratulations to Alabama for making same s**... marriage legal
Now the men can finally marry their brothers
My boss bought an new car...
My boss bought a new sports car and parked it on his space while I was walking by him. I congratulated him to his newest purchase.
He said: "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals, do overtime and work with determination, I will be able to buy an even better one next year."
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots.
The the bartender pours the shots and asks the man what the occasion is. The man says "First time for a b**... today." The bartender congratulated the man and said "For such an occasion, I'll add a 12th shot on the house." The man said "Nah, don't worry about it. If 11 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 12 won't either."
Man walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and tells him he would like to have 7 beers lined up right in front of him. As the bartender is drawing his beers, he asks him, "So, it seems you might be celebrating something. What might it be, if you don't mind me asking?" Man tells him that he is celebrating his very first b**.... The bartender tells him "That's great, congratulations!" The man tells him "You don't understand, I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
Happy Valentines!
A little early I know, but l suffer from p**... congratulation
A military plane crashes on a cannibal island
The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"
"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."
"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"
High grades
The son comes to his father:
"Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test"
"Congratulations son! In which test?"
"Breathalyzer. And they kept your car..."
Whenever I go bowling....
I enter my name as "3 t**...".
That way, occasionally the monitor says "Congratulations 3 t**...! You got a spare!"
Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.
When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.
Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.
Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!
Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?
A man asks his boss for the day off...
"I must take today off sir, I am going to be a father"
The boss says sure and congratulates him
The next day the man comes back to work and meets his boss
"So do you have a baby boy or girl now?" The boss asks
The man says, "I don't know, ask me again in 9 months"
Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls.
He's won all 5/7.
I won $100 on a radio competition this morning.
The DJ called me and said, We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.
Okay I replied.
He said, 3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?
I said, I'm going to spend it on air.
A Grand Prize
I phoned my local radio station today.
When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."
"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling
confident?"
"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"
"7," I replied.
A man walks into a coffee shop
Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man: hey thanks!
Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!
Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?
Cashier: it is
Bagel: you have beautiful eyes
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
Jupiter heard from Neptune that Pluto was pregnant.
Jupiter said to pluto "Congratulations! I was surprised to hear that you're expecting!"
To which Pluto replied "Thanks. Yeah, I definitely didn't planet!"
"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college!"
"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college! How are you?"
"I'm doing well, I got that philosophy degree."
"Congratulations."
"Thanks. Hey, do you want fries with that?
Congratulations to my wife!
who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbors' smoke alarm!
Yet another job Interview joke
Interviewer: So what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: I never know when to quit.
Interviewer: Well that can always be turned to our advantage! Congratulations, you're hired.
Candidate: *I quit*
9 is enough.
Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."
Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election
An election official walks in and announces himself.
"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"
"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.
"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"
"And the bad news?"
"Nobody voted for you."
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
Met a girl that's into horoscopes
Her : I'm a Sagittarius, bet that already tells you a lot about me.
Me : So according to this website, would you say you're a curious, energetic person that wants to be a part of things rather than be a spectator?
Her : Mmmhm that's me to a T
Me : Congratulations you're an Aries.
A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"
The mother replies, "Like father like son"
Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.
Congratulations Harry, his boss said. I just wanted to tell you I've been married for 22 years, and I'm sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.
But, I'm not getting married until tomorrow, Harry said.
Yeah I know, his boss said.
Today is my dad's anniversary
I know he is in a better place. He is following my every step, watching my every move and listening to my every word. Congratulations dad for you 10 year work anniversary at Google.
Congratulations America. 51 years ago you landed on the moon!!!
Now you can't even go to Canada.
When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.
It's not going well.
Congratulations on winning most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you what this means to me
Three men were waiting outside the labor ward...
A nurse came out to tell the first man: "Congratulations. You are the father of twins." "Twins!"he exclaimed "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Co!"
Five minutes later, a nurse came out to tell the second man: "Congratulations. You are the father of triplets." "Triplets!" he said "What a coincidence! I work for the 3M Organization!"
Upon hearing this, the third man stood up & muttered: ''I need some air, I work for 7 up!"
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night's debate...
The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!
Got an old joke from my teacher.
A nurse was walking past a mother who recently gave birth to a son.
"Congratulations, your son's pretty handsome!" the nurse said to the mother.
Mother: "Thank you. Do you always say this to all parents?"
Nurse: "No, I only say it when I really think so."
Mother: "So what do you say to the ugly ones?"
Nurse: "Oh, I just tell them: Congratulations, they look just like you!"
Trump is leaving a rally and heading to his limo
When suddenly a would be assassin jumps from the shadows and takes aim. A secret service agent, brand new on the job, shouts Micky Mouse! This startles the assassin and he is captured in the confusion. Later the agents supervisor takes him aside, congratulates him and says but what in the h**... made you shout 'Micky Mouse?!' Visibly embarrassed the Agent replies I got nervous, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck'
Congratulations to Donald J. Trump for winning
the silver medal in the 2020 U.S. Presidential race!
Trump is being informed that Biden is getting congratulated on winning by allies domestic and abroad.
Trump asks How hot is the broad?
I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning
The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.
Found this one in my 2014 meme stash
A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Sorry, I suffer from p**... congratulation.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were s**...."
Paul was having dinner with his family when suddenly his elder daughter rose from the chair and said, "I have a confession to make.I'm a lesbian ."
Paul smiles and says, "Congratulations. I will still love you nonetheless."
Suddenly his younger daughter says ," Dad, I'm a lesbian too."
Paul begrudgingly exclaims , " Does nobody in this family likes d**...?"
His son says,"I do."
A man walks into a coffee shop
Cashier: Congratulations! You are our 10,000th customer. Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man: Gee, thanks!
Cashier: That will be £2.50 please. Cash or card?
Man: I thought you said it was complimentary...
Bagel: You have a beautiful smile
An old rabbi wins the lottery
The man wins $3,000,000.00
A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house
She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"
The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family, and $1,000,000 to the n**...."
The reporter, stunned beyond belief, asks the old Jewish rabbi, "Why on earth would you give money to the n**...?"
The old rabbi lifts up his sleeve, exposing his arm and says, "They gave me my lucky numbers."
My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.
He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.
After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no b**... Frenchman!"
