Confused Woman Jokes
108 confused woman jokes and hilarious confused woman puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about confused woman that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Confused Woman Short Jokes
Short confused woman jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The confused woman humour may include short confused jokes also.
- It says here on your resume that you were a m-misogynist? "Yes, I used to give massages."
"OHH! I was confused because--"
"Because you're a woman?" - what did the white woman say to the other white woman who confused jay-z for lil wayne? thats ludacris
- What's the difference between an expression of confusion and an underground German woman? One's a furrowed brow and the other is a burrowed Frau.
- I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!? Am I a kitchen or an exit?
- Did you hear about the woman who confused her Vaseline with her putty? All her windows fell out.
- A woman on Tinder asked me what my ideal date would be. I said dd/mm/yyyy because other formats are confusing.
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Confused Woman One Liners
Which confused woman one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with confused woman? I can suggest the ones about bewildered and angry woman.
- If you want to confuse a woman, give her chocolate shoes. Milton Jones
- I like my woman like I like my Starbucks. Overpriced, and confused as to what my name is.
- Confused? Sometimes I like to dress up as a woman, and then pretend that I am a man.
Confused Woman Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about confused woman you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean confusing mind jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make confused woman pranks.
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman.
The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied,
"I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off."
The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told.
While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground.
As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor.
The hair dresser was very confused.
She picked up the head phones and listened.
This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife.
See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation!
So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man?
No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?"
"Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!"
The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife.
So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild s**... in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!"
The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."
A blonde woman looking to make extra cash goes into a rich neighborhood....
She comes across a house, knocks on the door and a man opens the door. I am looking for work and would do anything . The man looks at his porch and sees it needs some serious paint asks her to paint it for $100. She agrees. He shows her to the paints in his garage and she gets to work. About an hour later, the blonde comes back to the man and tells him she is all done. Confused that she is done so quickly, asks her: you realize the porch goes all the way around? To which she replies: Yes, it's all done. Impressed, the man hands her the $100 for her work. Just as she was about to leave, she says: oh by the way, that's a Ferrari not a porch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Panda and a p**...
A panda spent the night in bed with a p**.... The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the p**... yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up p**....'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous s**... activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the p**... and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'
11 Minutes
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. Uh, yes, officer?
The cop says: What are you doing?
The young man says: Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: And her, what is she doing?
The young man shrugs: Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater.
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: What's your age, young man?
The young man says I'm 22, sir.
The cop asks: And her…what's her age?
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Just write spaghetti
For two years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. He said, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18, and also pay for college. She ......agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back in the message area. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' She gave it to him and then watched as her husband turned white, then fainted after he read the card. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Please send extra sauce!!
What's in a name?
A woman sits down next to another mother on a park bench as their kids played together on a playground in Keswick, and they got to talking.
The woman was astonished that the other Mom had eleven children, all named Jayden.
Why did you call all your kids Jayden?" she asked her new friend.
"It's a great time-saver, I can just yell JAYDEN, time for bed", and they all will come running".
A perplexed look crossed the face of the first woman But don't you find it a little confusing? What if you only wanted to call one specific child, the second youngest, or the oldest? How do you get just their attention?
Simple… said the mother of eleven …then I just call them by their LAST names
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.
He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had s**... in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have c**... Charlie out back if you want".
The miner says "Thanks, but I don't swing that way", and turns around and heads back to the mines.
He comes back in another 6 months, and asks again. "Do you have any women since I was here last time?"
"No, but we still have c**... Charlie"
"Sorry, I don't swing that way". The miner buys a whiskey and turns around and walks out the door and goes back to work in the mines.
6 months after that, the miner comes back to the bar.
"You get any women? It's been a year since my first visit..."
"No man, sorry. We still have c**... Charlie though".
Now, the miner is pretty desperate at this point. It's been 18 months since he last got laid, and he's tired of waiting. After some deep consideration, the miner sighs and says, "Alright fine. The only people that'll know about this is you, me, and c**... Charlie, right?"
"Yep. And the two men that hold him down," says the bartender.
"Why would there be two men holding him down?" The miner asks with a confused look on his face.
"c**... Charlie doesn't swing that way either".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oasis
3 men are lost in the desert and dieing of dehydration. In the distance they see a small house with trees and gardens. As they near a morbidly obese woman approaches. They beg her for help. She looks at them and says,
"I will give you each something to eat or drink but first you must have s**... with me." The men look at her and are all disgusted by the rolls of fat, hair all over her body and skin lesions. They then look at each other and know what they have to do. One of them says,
"I'll go first." As he follows her into the hut he sees an ear of corn on the table. He grabs it and uses it to p**... her. After a few minutes he walks out with a glass of icy water and a large smile on his face. The other men look at each other and shrug their shoulders and the second volunteers. He follows the woman into the hut and sees a rolling pin. He uses that to p**... her. A few minutes later he walks out with a smile on his face and a large glass of milk.
Confused the third man walks into the hut and to his delight sees a cucumber to p**... her with.
Over an hour passes and the 2 men outside the hut are confused about what is taking so long. Finally the other man walks outside with nothing in his hands but a huge smile on his face. The first man asks,
"What are you smiling about?" which he replies,
"She made me a p**... of cream of corn soup."
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's...
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife
What type of bra? asked the clerk.
Type? inquires the man. There is more than one type?
Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need? Still confused the man asked, What is the difference between them? The lady responded, It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
Another Soviet Joke
In a small town outside Moscow a very proud primary school teacher began the Monday the same was she began every monday: by asking the students what they did to help their fellow comrads in the glorious Soviet Union. She turned to Illya Ivanovich.
"Illya Ivanovich, what did you do today to help the Collective?"
Illya thought a moment and replied, "Well, Katerina Maximovna, I helped an old woman cross the street."
"Wonderful," his teacher replied, "you truly helped your country. And you, Alexander Michaelovich, what did you do this weekend to help the Collective?"
"Well, you see Katerina Maximovna, I was helping Illya to help the old lady cross the street."
"OK. Good work. You certainly helped your nation and your fellow comrads." Katerina then looked at Dimitri Fyodorovich.
"And you, Dimitri Fyodorovich. What did you do this weekend to benefit the Collective?"
Dimitri thought for a moment, and then said, "Katerina Maximovna, you see, I was also helping Alexander and Illya to help the old woman across the street."
Katerina Maximovna paused a moment, and then with a confused look she said, "OK, Dimitri Fyodorovich, it is always good to help others. But I am confused. Why did it take three strong young boys to help one old babushka across the street?"
Dimitri thought for a moment and answered, "Well, you see, she didn't want to cross."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had f**....
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
Leroy
There was a man who goes to the bank and sees a woman with twelve children. He's astonished that this woman has so many children with her and so he approaches her and says, "Wow that sure is a lot of kids are they yours?"
The woman says "Yes all twelve are mine." The man shocked by this replies "What are there names." She says "Leroy, one e for the girls and two e's for the boys." At this the man is really surprised and asks "doesn't that get confusing?" She says "No it's great I just call for one and they all come. I say Leroy time for breakfast and there they all come down. I say Leroy time for school and they all come down and get on the bus."
The man considers this and asks "Yes but what if you want just one Leroy what do you do then?" She looks him dead in the eye and says "Oh that's easy I just call them by their last name."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy saw his mother n**.....
and asked her, "What is that between your legs?"
The woman, having not s**... her p**... hair in a while, says, "It's my wash cloth, darling." The woman shaves her p**... hair that night.
A few days later, the boy sees his mother n**... again. "Mom, where did your wash cloth go?"
"I lost it, darling," his mother replies.
A few days after that, the mom comes home to the excited little boy. "Mommy, mommy, I found your wash cloth!!"
"Where, darling?" She asked, confused.
"The lady next door was washing dad's face with it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy's first c**... story
I recall my first time with a c**..., I was
16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of
condoms at the pharmacy. There was this
beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new
at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I
knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first
time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one
out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight
and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the
store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the
door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.👙
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could
do was nod my head. She then said it was
time to slip the c**... on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her p**... and laid down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful,
that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that c**... on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to
show her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jew at Confession
One day, a Jewish shoemaker walked in to a Catholic Confession and sat down. The priest asked, "Son, what sin has brought you here?" The Jewish man told the priest the story of how a beautiful nineteen year old woman had walked into his shoe shop. They struck up a conversation and ended up having s**... for hours. At the end of the Jewish man's story, the priest, curious, asked the man, "Wait, aren't you Jewish?" The man affirmed the priest's question with a brief yes. The priest, confused at this point, asks the Jew what he is doing confessing to a Catholic priest. The Jew responds quickly, "I'm not confessing! I'm telling everyone I see!"
The Blind Clerk
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My old man (a doctor)'s Favorite.
A man waits patiently in the lobby of the ICU to see his wife, who has been in a coma for over a month, when a nurse runs out and says that he is needed right away.
Standing outside the room, the nurse tells the husband, "This morning we were giving your wife a sponge bath and we noticed something amazing!"
"What is it?!? the husband asked
The nurse explained, "Well, while we were giving her the sponge bath, we noticed that when we would touch her...uh....v**...... her vitals would spike on the monitor!"
Confused, the husband asked, "Well what do you need me for?"
The nurse responded, "Well we need you to go in there and perform o**... s**... on her, to see if that won't wake her up."
The man immediately agreed and closed the curtains as he entered the room.
5 minutes later the alarms sounded as the woman flat lined.
"Shes dead!" proclaimed the nurse, "What did you do?"
The man replied, "... I think I choked her..."
Five old ladies in a car . . .
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...
...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he responds with "Hmmm, welp, I think I may be able to help you. From now on, the second your husband walks through that door I want you to drink some water but keep some of that water in your mouth and swoosh through your teeth until he goes to bed. Do that and I promise he'll never lay a hand on you, ever." The woman, although slightly confused, thanks the doc and leaves.
Later on that night the husband arrives reeking of alcohol. Taking the doctors advice, she guzzles some water and starts swooshing it between her teeth until he goes to bed. To her amazement, it works so she repeats the process for a few weeks. Completely baffled, she returns to the doctors office to quiz him on this "cure". He then says to the woman, "that's called keeping your mouth shut."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police and Old Women
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles per hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
**(I dont make this joke. One of my best friend made this)**
Too soon.
I was sitting at the bar babying my drink and I turn to notice a beautiful woman sitting alone in the corner. She seems solemn and desperate. I can't help but feel like there is something I can do to help so I approach her table. Walking toward her I notice a tear rolling down her face.
Are you alright? I ask.
No, I have recently lost someone very close to me, she replies burying her face in her hands as the tears stream from her eyes.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, would you like me to leave?
Actually I could use some company, but could we go somewhere more private? Nothing about this seems right but before I stop to gather my thoughts the words were already out.
My place is not far from here, I said with nervous excitement. Opening my front door she is all over me, we fall onto the couch kissing and groping. My hand slides to her inner thigh, she pushes me away with a look of disgust.
Is something wrong? I blurt feeling foolish and confused.
This just doesn't feel right, it's too soon, she said looking down with mauled eyes. Without thinking I ask,
Are you a lesbian? she glares wide eyed as her vulnerable demeanor quickly turns to rage, she slides a knife from her boot and replies
No, I'm a necrophile.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into an ice cream shop
A woman walks into an ice cream shop.
She looks at the selection and says "umm... I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream please."
The guy working there says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of chocolate."
She nods and looks back at the flavors, "Ok...well in that case... I'll have a quart of chocolate, please."
The guy looks back at her a bit confused, "No, I'm sorry. It's not the quantity, we are completely out of chocolate right now."
The woman says, "Oh ok... well then I suppose I'll have a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."
The guy is bewildered. He responds, "Lady, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"Umm... Of course, S-T-R-A-W"
"Very good. Now can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"
She responds, "Well, yes... V-A-N"
He smiles and says, "Perfect. But now can you spell the f**...' in chocolate?"
She furrows her brow, "But there is no f**...' in chocolate!"
He goes, "I know, lady that's what I've been trying to tell you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Disappoiting Frog!
A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner.
"You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my s**... desires!"
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"
"Yes, d**...! I got n**..., lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, "It's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what's wrong."
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her p**....
"What?" she shouts.
Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you this!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Nuns die in a car c**......
...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."
The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions.
"Sister Anne," he says, "who was the first man on earth?"
Sister Anne says "Oh that's an easy one, Adam!"
-GONG- The gates of heaven open up, and Sister Anne walks through.
"Sister Mary: who was the first woman on earth?"
Relieved, Sister Mary exclaims "Eve!"
-GONG- The gates open again, and Sister Mary enters, leaving only Sister Theresa behind.
"Sister Theresa...what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
Sister Theresa pauses, the smile disappearing from her face. She realizes she can't think of the answer, despite her best efforts. Scratching her head in confusion and panic, she admits, "That's a really hard one."
-GONG-
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?
These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
22 mph speed limit
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 136."
Indian chief
So there's this Indian reservation, and the food stamps are 3 days late. People are starting to get uppity about it. So the local chief has to leave and go talk to the government people about it. He doesn't know English very well, so he is scared. But he makes sure not to let other see fear on his face. He goes down to the office, gets in line, and an old woman yells to him from the side of the room "hey! What's your name?"
He answers "Red Eagle Circle Water."
The woman replies "You don't hear a name like that every day."
The chief is confused, and he says back "Yeah I do."
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three young boys are walking home from school one day...
when they decide to stop and check out the new neighbors who moved in on their block. They walk over to the tall fence surrounding the yard and the first boy looks through a hole. He finds himself staring at a beautiful, n**..., sunbathing woman. He wildly gestures for the second boy to look, and then the third boy. However, when the third boy looks through the hole, after a few seconds he screams, and runs down the street towards his house. The other two boys look at each other in bewilderment and go home very confused.
The next day, the boys stop by the house in hopes of seeing the same woman, and again find her sunbathing n**.... Yet again, once the third boy looks through the hole he screams and runs down the street. The other two boys are still extremely confused as they walk home.
The following day, they stop by the house again, and lo and behold, the woman is out sunbathing n**... again. When the third boy gets his turn and screams, the other two grab him and prevent him from running off.
The first boy says "Look! Every time you take a look at that lady, you scream and take off! What is wrong with you?!"
The third boy turns and replies "Well...my mom always told me that if I ever looked at a woman n**..., I would turn to stone...and I felt a part of me getting reeeallly hard...."
Spaghetti
For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Speeding Drivers
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oldie but goodie: A Jewish man and an Italian woman got married.
Both were virgins, and both were so innocent when it came to the subject of s**.... On the wedding night, they just weren't sure how it all works. So the man decided to call his mother to get a few pointers. But she simply says, "Look, son, just get undressed, then undress her. You'll know what to do. Trust me."
The newlyweds get undressed, but they are still confused. So the man calls his mother again. Frustrated, she says, "Just stick the longest part of you into the hairiest part of her!"
A few minutes later, the mother's phone rings again.
"I've got my nose in her armpit. Now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, two old ladies are outside on a bench smoking...
...when it begins to rain. The first old woman flicks her cigarette away, knowing it's going to be put out. The second of the old ladies reaches into her purse, pulls out a c**..., cuts the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette. The first woman asks "What on earth is that?" "Oh, it's a c**..., they're designed to protect your cigarette from the rain," the second replies.
Now the next day, the lady who tossed her cig went down to the drug store to pick up some condoms so she can smoke in the rain. She asks the clerk "Can you please sell me some condoms?" The clerk is confused as to why this old lady would need rubbers, but in the interest of customer satisfaction, he says "Sure, what kind would you like?" To this the old woman responds,"Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter. Just make sure it can fit a camel."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor is walking down the street...
...and he passes a man with a head the size of a golf ball. Before he can stop himself he yells "sir!"
The man turns around, and the doctor says "I'm sorry to bother you, but as a physician, I've never seen a condition like yours. How do you have a head so small?"
The man says "Well, it's funny you ask. I was walking down the beach one day when a bottle happened to wash up on the shore. I picked it up and a genie came out in the form of a beautiful woman! She told me I could have anything in the world that I wanted. I told her that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and that my wish was that I could have s**... with her. She said 'I'm sorry mortal, but that is one wish I can't grant you.'"
Confused, the Doctor asked "Well, what did you wish for?"
The man replied "I thought about it, then I said 'Well, if we can't have s**..., how about a little head?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp
The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, counting money while getting a massage from a gorgeous woman.
The next day, the boy hears that the man is dead, hung from a tree by men wearing white robes, affiliated with the k**....
The boy confused, goes back to the train track where he saw the lamp and decides to rub it to see what happens... the genie comes out and says "sorry, I'm all out of wishes".
The boy says, OK, but tell me one thing, what did the man wish for yesterday? The genie replies: his first wish was to be rich, his second wish was to have a gorgeous wife, and his third wish was to be hung like a black man
A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...
...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.
Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."
She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been unfaithful."
There's an awkward pause, then with tears in her eyes she asks, "What does that have to do with the eggs?" "Well," he explains "whenever I was unfaithful, I put an egg in the drawer."
"Well three times isn't that bad in 30 years, but what about the money?"
"Oh." the husband says, "Whenever I had a dozen eggs, I sold them."
Atheist Kittens
So there's a guy named John and a woman named Pam. Pam walks up to John's box of kittens, Pam says "oh, what cute little kittens!" - John replies with "yes, they're christian kittens!
About one week later, Pam is with her husband Mark. Pam tells mark to go see the kittens. Mark says "oh, well they're just a bunch of cute little kittens!" John says "yes, they're atheist kittens!" Pam is confused and asks why they're now atheist kittens when they were previously christian kittens. John replies "Yea but now their eyes are open!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve
and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.
The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.
Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have s**... with him.
Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back on and the woman hands him a single dollar. Confused he asks "what's the dollar for?".
The woman says "well I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for christmas and he said 'screw him, give him a dollar'".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mathematician and an engineer agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful n**... woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the engineer in.
He explains the situation, and the engineer's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"
The engineer smiles and replied, "Of course! But in less than half an hour, I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"
Cemetery Plot for Christmas
One Christmas time, an elderly woman opens her present from her son-in-law and discovers a cemetery plot inside. Despite the confusion, she thanks him very much for the gift.
The following Christmas, she approaches her son-in-law and asks where her present is. He simply replies that he didn't get one for her.
"Why not?! You always get me a gift..."
"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes to the doctor...
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I f**... all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have f**... twenty times since I came into your office, and you didn't notice a thing. What should I do?"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and says, "Take one of these a day and come back in a week."
A week later, the woman returns, very confused. "Doctor, what did those pills *do*? I still have silent farts, but now they stink like crazy!"
"Good," says the doctor, "we've got your sinuses cleared up. Now let's work on your hearing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Topical Jokes for 2/8
A company in Denver has created a dating app that connects fellow p**... smokers. The app is great because even if you don't like the person you meet, sparks are gonna fly.
In Florida, a woman who didn't know she was pregnant set a state record by giving birth to a 14 pound baby. The woman realized she was pregnant when the 14 pound baby started k**..., and cracked three of her ribs.
Researchers have developed a smartphone app that lets you test yourself for STDs. The app can be a bit confusing to use at first, especially if you've never seen the You've Got AIDS emoji.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What to Wear
A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi. 'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most s**... negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?' The rabbi responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get s**..."
A woman wakes up one night
...to see that her husband isn't in bed for some reason. Curious, she gets up and walks out to the kitchen, where she sees him sobbing over the sink. "Honey, what's wrong?" She asks. Her husband turns to her and says,
"Do you remember that day twenty years ago when your father caught us in my car at that drive-in theater, and said that if I didn't marry you he'd put me in jail for twenty years?"
The wife, confused, says "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" to which the husband replies "I would have gotten out today."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**...-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...
He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".
The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures her, saying all the doctors are doing it but they're still working out standardized names.
Just then a patient walks up looking a little embarrassed. The specialist asks her what's wrong, and she says she's been referred to him by another doctor for a procedure. The specialist guides her to a chair and asks her for clarification.
The woman blushes and stammers "I'm not sure if I'm saying this right, but I'm here for my addadictome."
________________________________________
(If you don't get it, try reading it out loud).
*edited for clarity*
LIAR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Finally had a baby
A woman longed to have a baby, and finally at age 65 had one, thanks to modern medicine. Her friends all came to visit, excited to see the new baby, but she said "You can't see it till cries." They were puzzled, but they sat and chatted a while, and then asked again. Again she said, "You can't see it till it cries." Now they were really confused, but they stayed a bit longer. As they were preparing to leave, they asked one last time, and again the answer was, "You can't see it till it cries." "Well, why is that?" "Because I don't remember where I put it down."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What question would confuse a t**... who used to be a woman?
"Have you ever been abroad?"
An old woman was driving down the highway...
An old woman was driving down the highway at 35mph when a highway patrol officer pulled her over. He asked the woman if she knew why he pulled her over. She said "I have no clue, officer. I was obeying the speed limit..." The officer then replied with "Ma'am, you were traveling far too slow to be driving in the highway." The woman, with a confused look on her face then pointed to a sign up ahead and said, "But officer, that sign says the speed limit is 35! I had to have been obeying the speed limit!" The officer turned to see the sign that marked what highway they were on, highway 35. He then turned around, and looked at the women's friend, sitting in the back, eyes as big as silver dollars, he asked the woman in the back what was wrong. She replied quietly with "We just got off of highway 160."
A man walked into McDonald's and saw a black woman with 8 children running all around her.
"Mike, stop that!" she shouted at one.
"Mike, stop bothering your brother," she yelled at another.
"Mike, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick your nose," she chided yet another.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the man said, "but... are all your boys named Mike?"
"Yes sir," she replied.
"Isn't that confusing?" he asked.
"No, they all have different last names."
A woman was 9 months pregnant...
...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman posts on dating website...
... what's she's looking for perfect husband who wouldn't run away from her, wouldn't beat her, and would be amazing in bed.
Week later, she hears someone's ringing the door, and as she opens it, she sees young man in wheelchair, but he has no arms or legs.
Confused, woman asks *"What are you looking for?"*
He responds *"I'm that perfect husband you're looking for. As you see I've no legs, so I won't be able to run away, and I don't have hands either, so I won't be able to beat you!"*
Slightly interested she asks him *"What about s**...? Are you good?"*
*"How do you think I rang the bell?"*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The p**... and the gorilla
A p**... is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the p**...'s skirt and starts performing o**... s**... on her.
The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The p**... says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"
The gorilla just stands there looking confused.
She pulls out her phone and Googles "p**..." and shows him.
>a person, typically a woman, who engages in s**... activity for payment.
He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.
>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I haven't had s**... since 1956!
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to s**... and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A confused doctor asked an outraged woman why she refused to take her vitamins. She replied....
"Because this medicine you gave me is f**... and nails!"
The dad, husband and pastor of a woman arrive outside a hospital delivery room
The nurse stated that the hospital policy only allowed one person to be in the delivery room with the woman. Unfortunately, all 3 became confused when the woman giving birth screamed, "FATHER I NEED YOU".
Social services are talking to a recneck woman about her ten kids...
Social service guy: "ok miss, what's the first boy called?"
Recneck woman: "Billy-Joe"
SS guy: "and the second one?"
RW: "Billy-Joe"
The SS guy pauses for a second and asks "What's the third child called?"
RW: "Billy-Joe"
Ss guy: "hold on... Are ALL your boys caked Billy-Joe?"
RW: "They sure are."
SS: "doesn't that get confusing"
RW: "Naw, it helps. If I want the house clean I say "Billy-Joe clean up!" And they ALL clean up. At tea time I shout "Billy-Joe, food time" and they all come running."
SS guy: "but what if you need one specific boy?"
RW: "That's easy... I shout their surname."
A woman placed a personal ad in the local newspaper.
The ad read; "I want a man who will never beat me, who will never leave me and he has to be great in bed."
A few days later when she was doing her laundry, someone knocked at the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs; "I am the man of your dreams!" He said. The woman looked at him confused and asked; "what do you mean?" "I will never beat you," he said, " because I have no arms. I will never leave you, because I have no legs." The woman kept staring at the man and asked; "And are you any good in bed?" "How do you think I knocked the door?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man faintly hears "super s**..." one evening in his nursing home room.
There was an old man in his nursing home room playing checkers with his roommate. In the distance he hears one of the old lady residents yell.
"super s**...!"
His eye brows raise a bit and he looks at his roomie confused. He hears it again, but it is louder this time.
"super s**...!"
He then realizes that his roommates hearing aids are turned down. He says,
"George, turn up your hearing aids!"
At this George turns up his hearing aids. Just then the old woman jumps in the door way, lifts up her night gown exposing herself, and yells.
"super s**...!"
George looks at his roommate and says,
"I reckon I'll have the soup."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde got tired of hearing "dumb blonde" jokes.
A blonde woman decided that she was sick and tired of white men assuming she was s**... and easy because of her hair. She decided to buy a Muslim head covering and convert instead. After some diligent Googling, she set out to the mall to buy a Niqaab.
The next day she decided to sport it at the local Mosque because she couldn't figure out where all the Muslim men went to meet women. After an unsuccessful and quite confusing experience at morning prayers, she stopped a woman on the way out of the Mosque and asked if the men didn't talk to her because they could tell she was blond.
"No, but that's a real nice ski mask!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...
submitted 3 months ago by Daniel_Chavez
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to s**... and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman asked a General in the army when he last made love to a woman.
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to s**... and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
A younger woman receives a dozen red roses. . .
A much older woman and a much younger woman are sitting on the front porch when all of a sudden the younger woman looked up and saw her husband coming towards her with a dozen red roses. Disgusted, she said to her friend, "Well it looks like I'll be up all night long with my legs up in the air." Confused, the elderly woman ask, "What's a matter? Ain't you got a vase?"
A man goes to Japan for a business trip and decides to spice things up.
The night before the meeting, he goes out and meets a friendly Japanese woman who he takes back to the hotel. They get to action and all night the woman repeatedly yells, Chigau! Chigau!
The next day the man goes to the meeting and it follows up with Golf with the Japanese employees. As the man lines up his shot on a Par 3, he swings and gets a hole in one! His Japanese peers celebrate and the man, out of instinct, excitedly yells Chigau!
The company's Japanese translator, confused, asks the man, What do you mean 'Wrong Hole'?
A man and a woman are flirting in a bar
The woman asks the man what he does for a job to which he replies "I'm a vampire hunter"
"There are no vampires around here through" she says looking at him confused. He takes a long drink and says "you're welcome"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Military Time joke
Retired General meets a younger woman at a party and after getting a little flirty, the woman asks him the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, surprised, said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to s**... and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
3 pregnant women in a lobby
Three pregnant women in a lobby are knitting. The first one stops and takes a pill. "It's iron" she says "I want my baby to have strong muscles"
They continue knitting except for woman number 3 who is looking confusedly at her knitting.
The second woman stops to take a pill. "It's calcium. I want my baby to have strong bones."
They continue knitting except for the third woman who starts taking fistfuls of pills. The first two women stop and wait for her explanation.
"Oh it's just thalidomide...I don't know how to knit sleeves"
Blonde driver
A blonde was driving down the highway. Soon she heard sirens and saw lights behind her, and was pulled over. A cop, also a blonde woman, approached her door.
"You were speeding, miss," she said. "May I see your license?"
The blonde driver rummaged through her purse for a minute before looking up in confusion. "Well, what's it look like?" she asked.
"It's a small square thing with your picture on it," said the cop.
The driver looked again and finally pulled out a small mirror and handed it to the cop. The blonde cop looked at it and handed it back.
"Okay, you can go," she said. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a police officer."
A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.
"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."
"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"
"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."
"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."
The woman's husband is crying in the corner
The woman goes up to her husband and asks what is wrong
The husband replies crying: I'm upset because the world is flat
The woman confused tells him that the world isn't flat
The husband tells her: you are my world
A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...
I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.
I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.
An old woman goes to a clinic
She runs some tests, then somehow the results are mistakenly mixed and she ends up with another woman's test results.
She takes it to the professionals and they confusedly tell her that the results show that she's pregnant.
She gets shocked by the news, freezes for a moment and then says
Sweet lord, you can't even trust a cucumber nowadays